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AIBU?

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Original poster

Surely this is just basic etiquette when visiting a newborn for first time?

255 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 19:47

Genuinely intrigued and posting here for honest answers.
Two family members met my newborn ds over this weekend.
I know babies aren't as interesting to others as the parents but surely

  • a passing glance in baby's direction
  • 'he's so cute' 'good name' type comment
  • if offered a cuddle you don't just say 'no I'm alright'
  • I always take a card and gift too but this isn't the case either Basic manners no?
OP posts:
Ethylred · 22/12/2015 20:39

Basic etiquette when visiting a newborn is to bring gold frankincense and myrrh.

FFS.

Cerseirys · 22/12/2015 22:48

Wait, there's people who drop friends who get pregnant? What sort of shallow idiot does that? Just because you have a child doesn't mean you no longer have the interests you did before you became a parent. I'd wager that anyone who does that wasn't much of a friend to begin with.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/12/2015 23:05

ERM a 'shallow idiot' who has suffereD a pregnancy loss, or can't have children. Cers.

Cerseirys · 22/12/2015 23:09

Sorry, should've stated that I was referring to people who do that merely because they don't like children.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/12/2015 23:12

Oh OK. I apologize for jumping in too hastily

mathanxiety · 23/12/2015 00:34

seagreengirl Tue 22-Dec-15 17:42:45
But you don't NEED to like babies, you just need some social skills, and manners.

^^This, x 1000.

AbbeyBartlet · 23/12/2015 01:36

I might be shallow but I'm hardly going to be a good friend to someone when I don't appreciate their child, am I? It's for their benefit as much as mine - their life is going in a dramatically different direction to mine, I'm never going to be at the point where I would want children and of course becoming a parent is going to alter their entire lives. So why would I want them to waste time with me - surely it's kinder to walk away and leave them to it!

CallaLilli · 23/12/2015 01:48

That's a very odd attitude. People with children are able to take an interest in other things, God knows life would be dull if all they did was bang on about their kids!

FastWindow · 23/12/2015 01:58

I think most people know who is a 'baby' type and who isnt, out of friends/family. Its easy to get tunnel vision when you have a newborn (that's the point!) but social etiquette is tricky. A lot of people dont feel comfortable around babies, for whatever reason. Id agree with op on basic manners, but also with trying to take into consideration that some people arent all that bothered (hard to do when you are all loved up with new person) and go with it. Appreciate the ones who coo and shrug off the ones who dont do that.

AbbeyBartlet · 23/12/2015 02:04

Okay so I didn't explain that well - it's just that transition when they have their first baby - of course it's the most important thing to happen to them, their life changes immeasurably. And being the friend who is child free and has zero interest in babies isn't really conducive to continuing a close friendship with someone.

Most people that I know tend to be a little more laid back and not quite so precious when they are having subsequent children.

FastWindow · 23/12/2015 02:10

Totally agree abbey child no. 2 is business as usual. Grin

If you are that person who is finding no common ground with the precious first time parents, give them time. They will need you. For mad nights out. Grin

mathanxiety · 23/12/2015 02:18

Abbey, surely it depends on how much you make it clear that you don't appreciate their child?

Would you dump people who were preoccupied with cancer or a parent who had alzheimers too?

FastWindow · 23/12/2015 02:26

Yikes math i dont think she meant it quite so vehemently. The situations are hardly comparable.

Cerseirys · 23/12/2015 02:53

Wow. No wonder so many new mothers say they feel alienated, if that's how their friends treat them. Guess I'm fortunate that I've managed to have a child, pursue a career and maintain friendships too. Or maybe my friends aren't dicks with strange preconceived attitudes about what people with children are like Hmm

AbbeyBartlet · 23/12/2015 04:14

math Of course not - and if you think that having your first born is in any way comparable to those situations, then I'm a little surprised.

People change when they become parents - how many of you would have wanted people in your lives who didn't really give a toss about the most important transition in your life?

I'm delighted for them but I would rather walk away than deal with the fallout caused by their reaction to my lack of interest. The OP is obviously very hurt by the reaction of her visitors and that is the kind of situation I would prefer to avoid.

But feel free to consider me a dick or whatever.

KERALA1 · 23/12/2015 09:35

Kind of a shame. Think it's biological that humans are programmed to be preoccupied with babies and newborns - human race would die out otherwise! But after a while that wears off - my friends and I all have school age kids now and focus turns outwards. Maybe back off for the early years but rekindle the friendship when it gets less intense? Otherwise you are self limiting to quite a narrow group

RhiWrites · 23/12/2015 11:32

New parents always want you to hold their baby. I don't personally get anything from it. I wouldn't call it a cuddle myself.

But I know new parents see it as a rejection to say no so I always say "oh yes" and make appropriate remarks about tiny fingers, lovely new skin and hair (if they have any).

In the OP's example I'd be politer than the visitors she had. I'd probably bring a gift too.

But secretly I don't give a fuck whether I hold your baby.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 23/12/2015 11:44

Though it's not what I'd do (obviously), I actually appreciate what Abbey says she does. The friend I keep banging on about mentioning who strongly dislikes babies wants us to remain friends I think, but I just can't bring myself to maintain a friendship with her when she so vocally dislikes babies (including mine). I'm the one trying to distance myself in this situation. I have plenty of friends (with and without their own DCs) who love me enough to show a genuine interest in my DD despite some of them not being 'baby people' themselves. I don't mean that's all we have to talk about - it isn't, but we will mention her and how she's doing occasionally in the same way we talk about new jobs, relationships, whatever else is going on in each other's lives. Why would I want to be friends with someone who can't even discuss DD or be in the same room with her without pulling a sick face?

So well done for being honest with 'friends' Abbey and not being passive aggressive or toxic about it.

CallaLilli · 23/12/2015 12:17

Your friend sounds like a cunt. And lacking in basic manners. Though not as much of a cunt as a woman I once knew, who hated children so much she'd say she wished her pregnant friends would miscarry.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 23/12/2015 12:21

Fucking hell Calla that is revolting! First time I've used this in a while - Shock

CastaDiva · 23/12/2015 12:33

New parents always want you to hold their baby.

That is honestly not my experience, and my friends, of various backgrounds, nationalities and ages, have been having babies over the last twenty years - several (including me) as first-time mothers over 40 in the last few years. Experiences of meeting friends and their newborns for the first time vary a lot, but have more often involved a mother desperate for conversation, or for someone to hold a shrieking baby while she goes to the loo/has a shower/walks around the block. I don't think I've ever come across the expectation that I would derive a particular pleasure from holding a newborn.

Several friends - and I agree with them - found the newborn stage so difficult that their immediate emotion on seeing anyone else with a new baby is sympathy, rather than cooing.

Jux · 23/12/2015 12:37

I always disliked babies - well, disliked the way I was expected to behave around them. Most of my life I had very little interest. I loved my own baby, but only had a vague interest in yours if I loved you.

The worst thing was at work - all those people who bring their babies in and expect everyone to stop work and spend ages cooing. I'm afraid I didn't do any of it.

I am much nicer now, and far more polite. I will bring gifts, and cake, and meals for freezing. I will hold and exclaim over how small they are.

If I love you, I will love your child.

BuggersMuddle · 23/12/2015 12:40

I never hold newborns as (a) I don't really want to and (b) growing up with no younger siblings or cousins, I am rather worried that I will do it wrong as they look so fragile!

I also thought the holding offer was a formality. My mother (who obviously did have kids) used to say she should never understand 'pass the baby' as thought it was a parcel, especially when people brought their new babies into work. Germs and whatnot, just seems a bit unnecessary to pass tiny babies around a bunch of randoms - different if close friends / family I suppose.

Once they're a bit older, I'll happily hold the baby for a purpose, but tbh I am not all that interested in babies.

BadLad · 23/12/2015 12:58

I never hold newborns as (a) I don't really want to and (b) growing up with no younger siblings or cousins, I am rather worried that I will do it wrong as they look so fragile!

Same here. It's rude not to feign some sort of interest in the baby at the very least, but I pass on holding them until they look a bit more robust.

AbbeyBartlet · 23/12/2015 12:59

Monty Thank you - I recognise it's my issue, not theirs, so to act like your 'friend' would just be a shitty thing to do!

They always get a load of hand knitted items from me though whether they want them or not - I try to reserve my ability to treat people like arseholes for those who deserve it 😁

I have found that people who are having baby number 2 or more tend to be more relaxed about things like that. I have a relative who is about to have her third, she's one that doesn't like babies unless they are her own, so I don't anticipate an issue Grin