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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely this is just basic etiquette when visiting a newborn for first time?

255 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 19:47

Genuinely intrigued and posting here for honest answers.
Two family members met my newborn ds over this weekend.
I know babies aren't as interesting to others as the parents but surely

  • a passing glance in baby's direction
  • 'he's so cute' 'good name' type comment
  • if offered a cuddle you don't just say 'no I'm alright'
  • I always take a card and gift too but this isn't the case either Basic manners no?
OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 21/12/2015 16:38

Thanks you floisme i have two beautiful children now and i wouldnt have them if i hadnt had the mc.

nooka · 21/12/2015 16:41

Personally I just don't really like babies. I wasn't keen on my own and I find seeing pregnant women and parents with tiny babies doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy. so I tend to hang back.

If visiting a relative I'd say something nice about the baby but focus much more on the parents (think just the mum in this case from the OP's description). I'd likely bring a present for the parents (food most likely) and want to make them a cup of tea etc but I'd totally not want to hold the baby because I don't find babies sqidgy and gorgeous, I think they look like aliens!

If I wasn't in company I expect I might come across as a bit off hand. Generally when babies visit my office or are in other group gatherings they are surrounded by baby worshipers and so it's not an issue.

I like toddlers, children and teenagers :)

Jw35 · 21/12/2015 16:48

Nooka do you think you had Pnd?

I really don't understand why people wouldn't like babies? You don't have to be a baby worshipper to enjoy babies? They are people like everyone else! I'm so baffled by this thread! Confused

unimaginativename13 · 21/12/2015 16:56

Jeez people are allowed not to like babies!!
No need to throw the PND in there!

I used to admire the car seats and pram set ups even when I was pregnant and ignore the little person inside.

Having a baby was something I did as a step in life because my husband wanted children. I massively under estimated how much love I'd have for the little chunk currently over my shoulder dribble sick down my back.

It has surprised me that my friends with babies have admitted they feel uncomfortable holding mine.

Or mums who hated the baby stage as they feel they got nothing back.

ShelaghTurner · 21/12/2015 16:58

If anyone in Surrey has a newborn that needs holding I'm right here and willing! Grin I adore newborn cuddles and am waiting on about four people to give birth in the new year so I can visit Wink

Jw35 · 21/12/2015 17:00

She said she didn't like her own babies! That's odd to me hence the pnd question

nauticant · 21/12/2015 17:01

I really don't understand why people wouldn't like babies? You don't have to be a baby worshipper to enjoy babies? They are people like everyone else! I'm so baffled by this thread!

So there you go, today's lesson is that some people feel about things in a way that's different to how you feel about them. If you keep this in mind as you go through life it'll help enormously.

AbbeyBartlet · 21/12/2015 17:25

jw35 I don't get why people would think babies are cute either but I accept that everyone's opinion is different and don't feel horrified about that.

Just as some people really want to cuddle a baby, plenty of us don't. I'm not sure why that is so confusing.

GreatFuckability · 21/12/2015 17:28

i dont see where/if the OP has said why they were in the house. did they come to specifically meet the baby? because they were expected to? perhaps they didn't actually want to be there.

i had a MC when a friend and I were due the same week. I found it very hard to be round her child. still do in fact and its 19 years later. she didn't know, so the fact you dont know if she wanted kids or even got accidentlly pregnant doesn't mean anything.

unimaginativename13 · 21/12/2015 17:41

I know loads of women who say they hated the baby stage. The fact they can't interact with a crying baby or feel out on control. They would say they much prefer a chatty toddler.
Doesn't mean they have PND.

Jw35 · 21/12/2015 17:57

It also doesn't mean they don't! A lot of pnd goes undiagnosed! You don't have to love it all as much as I do but to not like it at all when its your own child is worrying.

As for being confused. I have as much right to my opinion as you do! I don't get it. There you go.

PrincessMouse · 21/12/2015 18:34

I really don't understand why people wouldn't like babies? You don't have to be a baby worshipper to enjoy babies?

Honestly. Although DD is clearly a comic genius and the most intelligent toddler in the universe... Wink Grin I think babies are kind of boring. If I go to visit I want to see my friend and check on them. The baby is secondary to my visit.

avote4commonsense · 21/12/2015 18:58

Mmmm not sure who the family members were/are but maybe they had just had a miscarriage, been trying silently for years for a baby or perhaps they just came to see you and can't relate to a baby.

Personally for me- I would always acknowledge the baby and would love a cuddle. But not everyone feels like that or has the self awareness to see it's important to you that they comment in the appropriate way regardless.

My sister in law stayed for a weekend once when my kids were little and ignored them the entire weekend. She never wanted kids and to her they were just little annoyances/irritations. I felt a bit hurt but accept that what's important to me means diddly squat to her.

UninventiveUsername · 21/12/2015 19:07

Congratulations on your new baby. Before dd I had no interest in holding babies. If I visited a new one I'd bring a gift and say it's cute or whatever but I hated when people tried to make me hold it them. I've not met a new baby since dd was born so I'm not sure if I'd feel differently now as I loved being with dd. It probably helped that my dd was the most interesting and wonderful baby ever born.

BananaThePoet · 21/12/2015 19:09

I haven't read all the posts in this thread but has anyone considered that maybe the family member/s might have some sort of disability that meant they didn't feel safe holding a baby but that they didn't want to announce to the world their medical history? There are any number of conditions that mean a person might not have a safe grip to hold a baby. Alternatively they might be on the autistic spectrum and their personal version of being autistic meant they don't get on with babies very well or they are freaked out by them. I've never liked babies much. I've met one or two I could get on with but I wouldn't expect to like every single baby ever born nor would I expect every single baby in the world to like me.
Maybe they could see the baby being passed from person to person and felt the baby might not be enjoying being treated like a cuddly toy? I've often felt sorry for babies in that situation and wouldn't want to add to their stress levels.

KERALA1 · 21/12/2015 19:55

Love it when people contort themselves into knots to invent reasons for people being rude gits. The simplest explanations are usually correct. That they are mannerless gits.

All these self important baby dislikers are missing the point too. You show an interest in what is important to those you are supposed to care about. Be that fils tedious classic car, sils office politics or a new baby.

CastaDiva · 21/12/2015 20:24

The baby is also entirely secondary to my visits to women with newborns - I've come to see my friend, primarily, and my friends would say the same.

And while I'm more than happy to hold a baby if it's for some useful reason such as its mother taking a shower or a break, I tend to assume that the 'offer' of a baby to hold is purely a formal one, that (as I did, when I had my son) would prefer it not be passed around like a parcel.

I don't remember any friend ever offering me a newborn on the assumption 'this is what you do - and I would find it very strange if someone was vehemently offended that a friend didn't derive some intense delight from holding their baby! Most of my friends found the newborn stage grim, so our associations with very small babies are more likely to be intense sympathy with the mother than a desire to cuddle her child.

AbbeyBartlet · 21/12/2015 20:31

Loving the ironic description of 'self important baby dislikers' when it's the mothers of the PFBs who are rather self important, expecting everyone to queue up to fuss over their kid 😂😂

And it's not necessarily about dislike - babies are just boring to some people. And there is the risk they will pee/poo/vom while being held which is reason enough to refuse

AbbeyBartlet · 21/12/2015 20:33

Oh and I wouldn't be so self absorbed as to assume that anyone else was remotely interested in anything just because I was.

53rdAndBird · 21/12/2015 20:47

But OP wasn't expecting people to queue up to fuss over the baby. She was expecting that people who had come round to meet the baby wouldn't totally ignore it.

I am not remotely interested in pet snakes. But if one of my friends got a pet snake she was really excited about, and I invited myself round to meet it, I'd at least fake enough of an interest to say something nice about it...

nauticant · 21/12/2015 20:55

You show an interest in what is important to those you are supposed to care about. Be that fils tedious classic car, sils office politics or a new baby.

This is true so the OP INBU to consider this an etiquette fail. But really, it's not that important so the OP IB(a little bit)U to spend time mulling over her list of etiquette infractions.

KERALA1 · 21/12/2015 20:56

Exactly 53. All so entitled me me me I don't like babies etc etc. So what? The op has had a baby that's massive surely not hard to fake some sort of interest for half an hour. The tedious shit I have pretended to be interested in over the years to spare people's feelings.

Abbybartlett its not pfb to be hurt that visitors that are supposed to care about you show no interest in your baby. that's bloody harsh. My friend has a new puppy. I dislike dogs but they are in love with her so on my first visit I ask lots of questions and make like I care. Because they are my friends.

nauticant · 21/12/2015 20:57

and I invited myself round to meet it, I'd at least fake enough of an interest to say something nice about it

But would you cuddle the snake if offered?

Gwenhwyfar · 21/12/2015 20:57

"I don't like being asked to hold babies, I think that if I wanted to, I would ask myself."

I'm the opposite. I won't volunteer because I'm not good with babies, but I kind of want them to offer.

KERALA1 · 21/12/2015 21:02

Frankly if you can't be arsed to feign some sort of interest in friend or families new baby don't go. You obviously don't care enough for them to do the bare minimum so you may as well be honest and cut them out.

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