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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely this is just basic etiquette when visiting a newborn for first time?

255 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 19:47

Genuinely intrigued and posting here for honest answers.
Two family members met my newborn ds over this weekend.
I know babies aren't as interesting to others as the parents but surely

  • a passing glance in baby's direction
  • 'he's so cute' 'good name' type comment
  • if offered a cuddle you don't just say 'no I'm alright'
  • I always take a card and gift too but this isn't the case either Basic manners no?
OP posts:
novemberchild · 21/12/2015 04:13

Were the stand-offish people male or female? In my experience, men are less comfortable with holding babies. If it was a woman, maybe she had a mc or is struggling with infertility...I have recently had a mc and I would positively love to hold a baby right now to make me feel better, but I think I would be in the minority.

Of course, some people are just doucheclowns, and there is also that.

mathanxiety · 21/12/2015 04:49

Congratulations on your new baby! Hope everything is going well.

I think it's rude to go to see a newborn baby and mother in the first place unless you come with some nice dinners or lunches for the freezer.

That was an unnecessarily snarky post, Kungpopanda.

mathanxiety · 21/12/2015 04:54

Gosh, having read the whole thread, there are many more people besides Kungpo who seem more than a little hostile towards babies.

Many new mothers feel very sensitive in the weeks right after birth, and comments that are 'forthright' about babies may hurt quite a bit.

Stepawayfromthezebras · 21/12/2015 05:00

I don't like holding babies (which considering I'm 33 weeks pregnant is a bit of a worry Grin) so I've always just said 'no thanks, I don't really like holding babies' when offered.

Also it took me 2 years to conceive and while I was in the middle of all that, I found baby interactions really uncomfortable and avoided them as much as possible. If a close friend or relative had had a baby in that time I'd have visited and I hope I'd have been polite and asked questions about the baby but it's possible I may have a avoided the subject altogether and chatted about other stuff.

Bloodybridget · 21/12/2015 05:09

I think, if you go to see a friend or relative with a new baby, you summon up some interest in the baby. You don't have to hold it, but honestly, come on! (If you're there to read the meter, that's different.)

Toffeelatteplease · 21/12/2015 05:49

I don't like holding newborns. I would have told you "I'm alright".

Holding newborns reminds me how hard DS was as a baby (undiagnosed SN), how ill he was, how worried i was and what a horrendously painful period of time it was.

I look at a newborn and find myself running through a developmental check list in my brain. Not floppy, not throwing up, waving hands and legs around... phew! Healthy baby. Often I will do this repeatedly. check

I find myself reminded how I am done with babies. Most people give serious consideration to whether the would like a late baby. My "baby" is still majorly dependent and will remain so. It is likely a result of undiagnosed problem with the genetic code. No one can tell me yet that it isn't hereditary. I'm pretty sure I'm done with having babies. If I actually hold a baby I might start feeling broody, you have no idea how painful that feels.

Catch me on a very good idea I might agree to hold the baby catch me at

Toffeelatteplease · 21/12/2015 05:52

Sorry posted too soon

Catch me on a very good day I might agree to hold the baby, very rarely i might offer to aswell.

However I'm more likely to respond with "I'm alright" rather than explain all that to a doting mum.

Expecting a present? How ungrateful are you. Presents are nice but should never be expected!

Janeymoo50 · 21/12/2015 05:55

Yes odd, I would have wanted a cuddle asap (within reason) and certainly would have taken a gift. I love newborns but I have friends who would be terrified of holding one and flatly refuse.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 21/12/2015 06:13

I never wanted to hand my babies over (especially to other people's small children - why did people think I should give my newborn to their 3 or 4 year old to hold? This hit its peak with DC3 whom people seemed to think I should casually chuck across the room at any passing toddler and be bubbling over with gladness to be rid for as long as possible...).

I've never got why everyone expects newborns to be handed around like parcels, and that goes in triplicate when the visitor doesn't want to hold the baby but feels they ought to!

I also don't especially want to "have a hold" or "have a cuddle" with other people's newborns, though I am more than happy to hold any baby if the mum does want her hands free to drink her coffee or go to the loo!

I do think its polite to show an interest in the baby when visiting, as clearly the arrival of a new baby is the "big event" in the household, whether it is interesting to you or not. In the same way if somebody has just got/ is just about to get married its polite to show some passing interest in the wedding talk/ its polite to ask how somebody's holiday was if they've just got back from a special holiday (especially if they only go on holiday rarely rather than multiple times a year) etc. etc.

Expecting a gift is grabby but on the other hand it is something of a convention if - and only if - the visit is specifically to meet the baby (not if thy are visiting to drop off Christmas presents - expecting a baby present too is really grabby in that context)

I like babies but neither as mother of newborns nor as visitor to parents with new babies do I get the compulsion to hand them about!

AngieBolen · 21/12/2015 06:13

I love babies and would always love to hold them, but I can imagine if you're not used to babies they may seem terrifying and you'd be too scared to hold one.

For several years I couldn't hold babies (although I loved looking at them). If I'd held one I would have ached to have another baby of my own. I was even scared I might get a let down reflex when DD was still young. I was always honest about it though.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 21/12/2015 06:19

The absolute worst visitors are the ones who won't give the baby back until you physically force them to, and who constantly walk and rock the baby back to sleep in the evening when you want to be feeding, looking all smug and expecting endless thanks and congratulations at having got the baby back to sleep, despite the fact you have frequently asked for the baby back and explained that if you feed the baby in the evening he will sleep at night, whereas if he sleeps all evening you'll be up feeding him all night (when your guest is snuggly snoring in their bed)... [santa]

FanFuckingTastic · 21/12/2015 06:27

I just visited my cousin for the first time since her DS was born, he's about six weeks old now. I hate bugging people in the early days, because I remember being totally exhausted by it.

It was so fun though. I asked if I could change his bum because he was dirty, and got to be mummy again for an hour. She was actively relieved to have a break, so I think etiquette differs depending and the best thing to do is ask and not have expectations.

I've had visitors so terrified of babies they've been fine to just look from a distance, to those pushing me out the way because I was "doing it wrong" with my first.

OldFarticus · 21/12/2015 06:47

I am terrified of tiny babies and would have been another "you're alright" I am afraid - I am really clumsy and cack handed and worry constantly that I will accidentally break anything that tiny. I have a 3-month rule - they look robust enough to survive an encounter with me by then. Grin

Congratulations on your newborn and enjoy Flowers

AngieBolen · 21/12/2015 07:15

Oh, yes the ones who won't give them back are the worst!

orlakielyimnot · 21/12/2015 07:17

Why are some posters surprised that there are a range of feelings towards babies? We are not all the same. Some coo, some don't . Some want a cuddle and some don't. There are aldo people who are also "hostile" toward babies but I haven't seen it on this thread. I have seen some people taking the rare opportunity to explain, in response to op's question, why they might not want to cuddle her newborn. That in itself is not a "hostile" act. War, aggression, abuse, etc., those are hostile acts. If someone comes to visit you after you have had a baby, they may be an ass but the signifier is not the lack of interest in the baby. Some people are just not that into babies and they don't have to have a personal trajedy for that to be the case.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 21/12/2015 07:31

I'm not surprised there is a range of feelings towards babies. Up thread I mentioned a former friend who has a dislike of babies which is very obvious. No fertility issues (she once had a pregnancy scare) or anything, she just doesn't like babies or children to the point where she can't look at them and is openly hostile towards them even if they are strangers' babies in a cafe or something. She's got some other... 'quirks' shall we say? All in all a very difficult person to get on with which is why she is a former friend.

Anyway, difficult as she is she would never in a month of Sunday's come "to meet the baby". That is the odd thing. Nut that they don't like babies, the fact that they don't like babies and still show up. Why? Even visitors with the best intentions are a bit of a nuisance at times when you have a new baby. Don't feel you have to visit if you don't like babies. If it was my baby I'd rather you stayed the fuck away! Everybody's happy then no?

Tokoloshe · 21/12/2015 07:32

Good manners require that visitors make some attempt to take an interest in the person they're visiting. If you've just had a baby then that is probably top of your list of 'big things in my life right now' and it would be polite to have prepared a couple of questions or comments...

The first time I did a visit to a friend with a newborn she plonked him in my arms while she made me a cup of coffee - I was terrified, and just hoped that it wouldn't die/explode/mutate into a dinosaur during the 3 1/2 minutes I had to endure Grin

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 21/12/2015 07:35

Grin at morph into a dinosaur tok

Iggi999 · 21/12/2015 07:44

If you're not coming "for" the baby, bugger off and don't visit a mother with a newborn then. If I visit someone with a new baby, it's all about the two of them. If I visit someone with a new dog, we talk about the dog. Or a new car, I admire the car. Or a new kitchen etc etc. You get the picture. To completely ignore the reason for your visit is bad manners and a lack of social skills. Even if you have to fake it, you say nice stuff about the baby and mother, or you don't come.

PrincessMouse · 21/12/2015 07:51

Nut that they don't like babies, the fact that they don't like babies and still show up. Why?

I will try and answer this from my prospective. I am not hostile just not that interested in other peoples kids and babies aren't that entertaining. I don't turn up straight away but there is an expectation that at some point you will/have to go. If you don't go then you leave yourself open to been accused of abandoning your friend because they have a baby or whatever. We have all seen the threads on MN over the years. If you go and don't want to hold the baby it seems you are accused of been rude. You can't win. Also, I go because I want to see my friend not so more much the baby. That's why I leave it a few weeks.

That sounds awful and I really don't intend for it to sound that way but it's as honest as I can be.

Strangely other people's toddlers (even the shy ones) have always seemed to be attracted to me. I have never understood that.

ThreeRuddyTubs · 21/12/2015 07:55

Well really people who don't like babies can't really win. If they stayed away you'd be thinking "why haven't they come to see how I am those bastards". I don't like babies and I have no desire to hold one. An old MN saying is that no is a complete sentence and tbh I don't owe you an explanation why I don't want to hold it so you would get a "no I'm alright thanks" off me too. Although most parents aren't so precious and that usually does just fine. The baby doesn't care if I hold it or not

Iggi999 · 21/12/2015 07:57

Totally agree you shouldn't have to hold the baby if you are uncomfortable (jump up and make the coffee instead) but the OP mentions four ways they ignore the baby, not just one. I'm sure Princess you comment on the baby/ask about them, even if you're not that bothered about the answer! (Just as when we enquire about our friend's jobs, our mil's cough or whatever).

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 21/12/2015 07:57

That makes sense princess. I'd still rather you didn't bother if I was the mum but hey ho. You sound much nicer than my former friend. She would scream if a toddler approached her. Her own nephew said recently "aunty x doesn't like me does she"? She doesn't. Because he's under 18. So very odd.

diddl · 21/12/2015 08:01

I would have thought even refusing a cuddle politely is likely to upset/offend some/most mums isn't it?

I wasn't comfortable holding babies until I'd had my own.

I would of course acknowledge them though!

PrincessMouse · 21/12/2015 08:08

IIt would be odd to completely ignore a baby in room. As in pretend she/he doesn't exist.

Monty yes, your former friend does sound somewhat strange.