Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely this is just basic etiquette when visiting a newborn for first time?

255 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 19:47

Genuinely intrigued and posting here for honest answers.
Two family members met my newborn ds over this weekend.
I know babies aren't as interesting to others as the parents but surely

  • a passing glance in baby's direction
  • 'he's so cute' 'good name' type comment
  • if offered a cuddle you don't just say 'no I'm alright'
  • I always take a card and gift too but this isn't the case either Basic manners no?
OP posts:
Micah · 20/12/2015 20:39

I hated the "meeting the newborn" thing though, having my baby grabbed off me "for a cuddle" and passed round like a parcel while I was expected to make tea and hand around biscuits.

Especially when the baby cried and people would jiggle them and pass them around even more, rather than give them back to me to feed.

When I visit babies I try and leave the mother with the baby while I do the tea etc, and I'd refuse a cuddle if the baby was asleep or settled. I don't really coo either.

Hopefullyoneday1 · 20/12/2015 20:39

I don't have kids and I have a right to be on here just as much as those with.

Im with Abbey, some people just feel uncomfortable around babies. I avoid them if possible. You certainly won't catch me cooing and getting broody!

I love my nieces dearly but when they were babies I wasn't interested. Over the years numerous people have thought it funny to shove a baby in my face, I don't find it particularly funny at all. It's not that I hate them, far from it, I just feel more comfortable once they are toddler age

unimaginativename13 · 20/12/2015 20:39

Sorry, before I had my DS I would visit my friends and pay more interest in their cats.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 20:43

Lots of people saying they don't like holding babies. That's not weird imo (though I happen to love newborn cuddles I get that they are not everyone feels able / willing / confident enough to do it).

What is a wee bit weird is not looking at him / her, saying anything nice about him / her or bringing him / her a gift or card when they've come "TO MEET THE BABY". If you don't like meeting newborns then don't come to meet the fecking baby... obviously.

DickDewy · 20/12/2015 20:44

I don't go gooey over a newborn and have said 'no thanks' to holding them.

RiverTam · 20/12/2015 20:45

I notice you didn't answer my question, OP. Could you?

bettyberry · 20/12/2015 20:48

I struggle with newborns. Mostly because of previous losses but babies are just really dull, uninteresting and tend to sleep an awful lot plus in my head I'm sure the new mum would like to talk about anything but the baby every once in a while esp when they are sleeping so I make a cuppa and talk about the world instead.

Expecting a card or gift... I didn't with DS and tbh the gifts I did get weren't used because I'd already organised everything anyway. Gifts were usually reserved for the christening in my experience so giving a gift before that just seems a bit weird to me. Granted not every baby is christened these days.

I've also learned not to comment on any name choice after a cousin made up a name and had it tattooed on her arm and I misread it as 'kadaffi'

user7755 · 20/12/2015 20:48

I'm not a newborn person, I find the whole adoration very uncomfortable but go so that I can congratulation mum and dad rather than meet the baby (who doesn't give a shit whether I'm there or not).

I might make some comment about them being cute but I'm not someone who would go gooey over a baby and if I can avoid holding a newborn I will. They're much more interesting when they get a bit older.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 20:54

user that kind of makes sense. You wouldn't go "to meet the baby", you would go to see the parents. That's maybe not the norm but isn't weird like going "to meet the baby" and then not looking at him / her the whole time. That's odd.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/12/2015 20:56

Oyster - Abbey can I ask what brings you to Mumsnet? ... I thought it was for mums.

Abby is a mum, Oyster. She said ''before i had children i was beyond awkward with them''.

Lots of posters here haven't got children. I have got DCs but 'found' MN through googling about cat stuff and arrived in the Litter Tray!

KERALA1 · 20/12/2015 20:58

The holding baby or not is a red herring. The disinterest and dismissive attitude is very rude and hurtful.

I have feigned interest / being impressed at all sorts of things I don't like or care about its called being a decent and polite person. Do I want to hear about sil office politics no not really. Do I think my school friends hideous new build house is nice no I do not. But to both I pretend to be interested and say how nice the garden is etc because that's what you do.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 20/12/2015 21:01

I found Mumsnet in the same way Eponas!

DH still reminds me about the first time we saw his grandson and he had to nudge me to remind me to take a picture of him rather than any more of the cat. It wasn't intentional, just that the cat was doing things and the baby wasn't!

KERALA1 · 20/12/2015 21:05

I found the not interested in babies brigade expected new parents to be terribly interested in the stuff going on in their lives. Cuts both ways folks.

AbbeyBartlet · 20/12/2015 21:06

Oysterbabe Because there are many sections of MN that have nothing to do with parenting. is that okay?

PandasRock · 20/12/2015 21:07

I wouldn't want to cuddle a newborn. I barely touched a small child (ie under about 18 months) and certainly not a newborn, before I had my own.

I would likely say something similar - 'no, I'm ok, thanks'. I just don't want to. I would be mildly interested in the baby (more so if I had actually gone out of my way to meet said baby), but would probably forget some vital question, like birthweight, or some such. It's just not interesting to anyone but the parents. I would ask name etc, but if it were an odd/unique/outlandish name I may not comment further.

But then, my youngest dc has never even met most of his family (on dh's side, I hasten to add, so nothing to do with my social ineptitude!) and he'll be 4 next year!

sandylion · 20/12/2015 21:08

What is the relationship with the baby? If it was grandparents I'd be aghast but most other relations I wouldn't worry about (especially if you're not close). Some people just don't like babies. Oddballs.

HelenaJustina · 20/12/2015 21:11

I got called the perfect guest when visiting a newborn with my DC last week preen.

We bought cake to eat, cake for the freezer, gifts for the baby, everyone had a short cuddle and we left within half an hour. That's the way to do it!

motherinferior · 20/12/2015 21:11

Isn't it just what you say? "Oh, how adorable, have some of the cake I've brought, no sit down while I make you some tea," etc etc. I am partial to a cuddle myself, but even if the baby isn't madly fetching you make "adorable, ooh aren't you just lovely" remarks.

SladeGreen · 20/12/2015 21:16

They were very rude. Its just basic good manners to show an interest, and it sounds like they couldn't even be arsed to do that.

Although, to be fair there is nothing wrong with saying no to holding a newborn. I love my nieces and nephews dearly, but I really didn't like it when I held them as babies and everyone looked at me and made comments like "That'll be your own baby in your arms within a few years," and "oh, does it make you broody?"

I know they meant well, but it made me feel very uncomfortable and I much preferred cuddles with them, without the audience.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 21:19

River tam
Anyone can refuse a cuddle but I think there's a polite way of doing it as I said and 'no I'm alright' just doesn't cut it- a little white lie in that instant world be better.

OP posts:
Wobblystraddle · 20/12/2015 21:19

An ex-friend, on meeting dd2 for the first time, said "I won't hold it, they aren't very interesting at that age." I hadn't even offered.

She hasn't seen dd2 since.

53rdAndBird · 20/12/2015 21:20

Liking newborns isn't really the point. If you go somewhere specifically to meet one, you at least bother yourself to make some polite small talk.

Have been seriously unimpressed with some of my friends' boyfriends over the years, but wouldn't have gone to meet them then acted like they don't exist!

EponasWildDaughter · 20/12/2015 21:21

River - Do you think that if you offer someone a cup of tea they should say yes even if they don't want one?

Op didn't answer, but my answer would be yes!

IF the whole point of them coming to your home was on account of your new tea and you were proudly offering them a sip of said tea then yes, i would think it would be reasonable to expect them to say yes to a quick cup and make approving noises Grin

EponasWildDaughter · 20/12/2015 21:23

Sorry, x post, OP has answered. Slow typing (DH distracting me with tea, ironically!)

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 21:25

Wobbly, your ex-friend sounds a lot like my ex-friend. Did she actually say "it"? Sounds just like the woman I know!