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Original poster

Surely this is just basic etiquette when visiting a newborn for first time?

255 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 19:47

Genuinely intrigued and posting here for honest answers.
Two family members met my newborn ds over this weekend.
I know babies aren't as interesting to others as the parents but surely

  • a passing glance in baby's direction
  • 'he's so cute' 'good name' type comment
  • if offered a cuddle you don't just say 'no I'm alright'
  • I always take a card and gift too but this isn't the case either Basic manners no?
OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/12/2015 21:25

I find that form of words - 'No, I'm alright' or 'No, I'm OK, thanks' not right in this context. It would be fine in response to 'Would you like a cup of tea?' I understand perfectly that not everybody is interested in or comfortable with babies, and you have a perfect right not to hold a baby, but surely the most straightforward way to say no would be to say 'No thanks, I'm not good with babies, I'd better pass on the cuddle' or similar. Saying 'No, I'm alright' does rather imply that your life is complete without any contact with this tiny precious little creature who is transforming the parent's life out of all recognition. Dismissive is perhaps the word I'm groping for here.

I adore babies. I never, ever turn down the opportunity to hold one. Smile

Micah · 20/12/2015 21:30

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp6alIALDHA

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 21:36

Eponas I'll go with your answer instead! :) ha ha

OP posts:
orlakielyimnot · 20/12/2015 21:44

How presumptuous! Why would I want to hold someone else's baby? If I come to see you after you've given birth it's to see how you are and hear the tale of the extraordinary event. I bring something but it's always a present for the parents since the kid doesn't have a clue what's going on. I'd really say "no thanks" to the offer of holding the baby as I'd presume they are asking if I want to, if i'm interested, and I'm not.

AppleSetsSail · 20/12/2015 21:51

Count me among the ones who think this is bizarre. I adore babies and would kill love to hold one.

Viviennemary · 20/12/2015 21:54

Not everyone likes babies that much or coos over them. I quite loike to hold a baby butonly for a few minutes and then give it back. My Mum didn't like babies much and hardly even acknowledged them. But most people at least feign interest to be polite

VaticanAssassin · 20/12/2015 21:54

OP, it depends who the family member is, and how close they are to you. If they had had infertility or MC or this year would they be close enough to tell you?

Not to derail your thread, and it may not even be relevant to your relatives. but we've just had DH's DSis, her DH and their new baby visit, and I didn't hold him or make much contact or attention with him. I MC in June, and my baby was due this New Year. We hadn't told everyone, so they didn't know- and i didn't want to upset her pregnancy with what happened.
Usually I'm the most baby friendly person in the room, but this year I don't want to and can't bring myself to be. I looked at him, but when I was asked if I wanted a hold, i said I'd strained my arm at the gym I go to, so I'd have to leave it for now.

If this isn't the case then I am sorry for putting this on your thread, i just wanted to say that maybe the relative has had things this year she hasn't explained, that you could misinterpret as disinterest.

I look forward to seeing my nephew properly, but am just not ready to do so yet. Sorry again, it was just a thought x

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/12/2015 21:54

The main reason I avoid newborns is because I have experienced a couple of new mums obviously anxious and watching me like a hawk to check I was holding the baby properly etc. So off putting. I handed te baby back as soon as I could. It has put me off holding any more.

I was the opposite as a mum, reassuring any childless friends that they weren't obliged to have a hold if they didn't want to, and I also joked that if they did want to, then newborns are not that fragile so they shouldn't worry on that score.

No card, or interest or polite cooing is strange. But I wouldn't think too much of it in case there were underlying issues such as infertility/miscarriage/unlikely to ever have kids because of being single t an older age etc.

GarlicCake · 20/12/2015 21:57

Congratulations, Wishful!

I think you might be being just a tiny bit ... PFB. Some people genuinely don't like babies, not even yours. Most of 'em feel very awkward around them, can't think of anything useful to say about them, and would much rather discuss golf/cars/crochet with the new parent.

But they know they're supposed to show up and do the congratulations. Don't hate them for making a cack-handed job of it Xmas Wink

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/12/2015 22:07

Who could resist smuggling a squidgy new born and don't get me started on that, new born baby smell. It's like you can smell the newness on them . Oh I could eat them, squeeeeeeeeeee. Grin.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/12/2015 22:13

I've never understood. How anyonbe can not like babies. I mean I get not all women are maternal or yearn to be a mum or have the nurturing gene, and I understand a women could be bitter about babies say if she is having fertility problems for example.
But babies are harmless and innocent and don't ask to be born. . I can't believe adults can be so hostile to something so precious.

AppleSetsSail · 20/12/2015 22:18

I don't understand not liking babies either. I have to refrain from touching random baby squidgy cheeks in the street.

AbbeyBartlet · 20/12/2015 22:19

ilive It's not hostility, it's lack of interest - there is a difference! You make it sound like we hate babies which I think is a tad over dramatic.

Like I said upthread, I always make a gift, it takes months, it costs me quite a lot of money and I'm happy to do it. But it doesn't mean I want to 'meet' the baby particularly and I certainly don't want to hold him/her.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 22:26

Sorry for your loss Vatican.
In this instance one is an older relative with grown up children and the other is newborn's aunt who to my knowledge isn't wanting a family any time soon.

OP posts:
Mmmmcake123 · 20/12/2015 22:27

Vatican, sorry for your loss Flowers and best wishes for new beginnings in the new year.

OP, I tend not to expect behaviour considered the norm as everyone is different. I had a newborn thrust on me as a teenager to hold whilst mum tended to an emergency and literally held 'it' at arm's length, as in a comedy sketch. I really didn't know what to do.
Years later I visited a close friend in hospital and she was horrified when she asked me if I wanted a cuddle with the baby and I said no. I was equally horrified as I was petrified I would drop the little one or squeeze the life out of him, or breathe germs near him lol. Don't think she ever understood!

PrincessMouse · 20/12/2015 22:29

Op congratulations Flowers

I am afraid I am one of those people that really isn't into all that interested other people's kids. I am not nasty and certainly no intention to seem rude but I just don't get it. If I were at a friends who had a new born I would not want to hold the baby and that's the reason I don't tend to rush round. I do send a card and gift though. I have known most of my close friend going on 20 years so they all know what I am like. Blush

When DD was born I never asked anyone if they wanted a cuddle with her and that was mainly because it's not something I would want to do so just assumed everyone was like me. Blush People had to ask for a cuddle which I was fine with. DH on the other hand used to offer cuddles out left, right and center.

hibbleddible · 20/12/2015 22:31

Yanbu. I wouldn't expect a present, but not getting a card would seem a bit of a snub.

I was quite upset by a certain family member who visited without so much as bringing a card, took lots of selfies with the baby, then sat there expecting to be served dinner when I had just been discharged from hospital.

PinkHairExtension · 20/12/2015 22:45

Not everyone does things the same way in life so I wouldn't read too much into them not being all over the baby or them not bringing a card. Maybe they just don't do cards for that type of thing so it never crossed their mind you'd be expecting one.

Also, sometimes people aren't so good at hiding the fact they are somewhere out of obligation rather than genuine interest. Just part of life.

unimaginativename13 · 20/12/2015 22:49

In the age of baby showers I can understand why people may not bring gifts and cards.

VaticanAssassin · 20/12/2015 23:02

Thank you cake123, and Op wishful Smile

As you've explained that's not likely to be the case at all, i would probably feel the same as you.
We bought a little outfit for Dnephew, DH held him too, and i did say how beautiful he was! A total ignorance is just rude imo.

Jux · 20/12/2015 23:24

Older relative has been there and done that, and possibly been through 'meet the newborn' umpteen times in their life. Or is maybe finding going round dropping presents in/visiting etc a bit tiring. Aunt doesn't have any interest in babies right now. May be different some years in the future.

It's hurtful when it happens, but not worth getting upset over.

KERALA1 · 20/12/2015 23:41

Well you have carte Blanche now op to show absolutely no interest in anything that's important to them! You can yawn as they talk about their dog and visit their new house without making a single comment.

CrazyOldBagLady · 20/12/2015 23:45

I'm terribly awkward with babies. If they appear in an office environment I just pretend I'm none the wiser. If I really, really like the parent, then I pretend to be interested and make some complimentary noises (a few stock remarks I've learnt over the years, that are quickly exhausted and then I'm back to awkwardness, and try to slope off before I'm asked to hold the baby).

Honestly, I'd hold a baby if you were desperate for a pee and had nowhere else to put it, but if asked 'Would you like to hold the baby?', in my mind I just think, 'Um, what for?', so would probably stammer something completely unsatisfactory to the proud parent and make a knob of myself in the process.

That said, if I was on my way to meet a new baby, I would take a gift and remark that that they were cute, ask a few of my stock questions and try to be interested. I wouldn't want any interaction with the child, I don't even know how to 'coo' so no chance of that.

honeyroar · 21/12/2015 00:01

I'm another who is left cold by a newborn. I go to visit, always take a lovely present and pretend to coo about how beautiful they are, but I hate it when mums thrust them into my arms. When the baby is over 6 months and plays and has a personality I'm great with them (I was an au pair and fab with 1-3 yr olds and have taught kids for years and interact well with them. I'm maternal but I couldn't have kids myself. I'd like to think I've been a good step mum. But tiny babies do nothing for me at all.

kungpopanda · 21/12/2015 03:49

So people didn't bow down before the mighty and totally remarkable and unique baby. Shame! 'I'm all right, thanks' is quite polite, compared with 'Keep that drooly bag of guts away from me' or similar.

Babies are honestly not that interesting.

Doesn't sound as if these people were on specific 'baby' visits, just, er, visiting.