AIBU do think 12 is too young for lace underthings.

[Tiptoethroughthetinsel]

My daughter went shopping with my ex husband fiancé today and came home with several lace bra and panty sets. I've put them aside. She is developed for 12 but I think cotton is more appropriate. At what age should this be allowed?

What's inappropriate about a balconette bra? It's not a push up or has nipple holes..

OP that sounds like a really great resolution! You sound lovely and I'm glad it's all working out.

I was going to suggest you got one yourself to match and she'll never were it again.
But you've sorted it anyway.

when it's just underwear! It's not 'just' underwear, it's sexy underwear. You can't add the word 'just' before something and make it sound OK. Pants and bra is just underwear, sexy underwear is sexy under wear. Does a 12 year old need sexy underwear? Some parents feel not! I agree.

Italian, I think a lot of people on this thread are vastly underestimating a teenager's / preteen's motivation for 99 percent of the stuff they want / like / do.

Will it make me seem more grown up?
Will it make me more likable / attractive?
Do my peers think it's cool?

But nah, it's "just" underwear. They are TOTALLY able to look at stuff the same way an adult feminist woman does. Totally.

I don't find her stepmum buying her underwear strange at all.it wouldn't bother me.

I have a nearly eleven year old and wouldn't mind her wearing lace underwear in a year but it would be age appropriate and bright colours or cutesy. I do think that sets too grown up in appearance.

Red lipstick I have absolutely no problem with my daughters wearing for an occasion. I don't see the problem with red as opposed to pink. Foundation isn't needed on a 12 year old unless they have really bad skin that makes them insecure, even then id probably get a bb cream or tinted moisturiser for day to day but would allow a foundation for special occasions as long it was an exact match.I worked in cosmetics for years until March and children of that age can wear make up but look like they aren't if it's the correct colour. They don't need to look too done up.

Why are some people making underwear a feminist issue?

A (young) woman selected underwear that she wanted to wear.

There is NOTHING wrong with that.

Silk is hardly 'sexy'. You can buy silk babygrows!

www.cambridgebaby.co.uk/catalog/0-2-yrs/cloth-nappy-clothing/all-in-ones/all-silk-babygrow

Goodnight, i'd go as far as to say maybe most don't have teenagers. Not that 12 is a teenager anyway. I think most people forget how frightening and confusing it is and how vulnerable you can be. You are still just a child and it's up to your parents to protect you from the big bad world. I think with adolescent girls it's worse as they look so much older than they are, usually

I'll most probably get accussed of being over protective now, but i'm not really. I just like mine to know they've got a get out clause if they need it (uncool me) as a back up if they din't feel comfortable with things

we spend enough of our life having to be grown up, we dont need to force it

I think most people forget how frightening and confusing it is and how vulnerable you can be. You are still just a child and it's up to your parents to protect you from the big bad world.

I'd say your parents should prepare you for the big bad world so you can cope.

Teenagers aren't babies hiding the world from them will make it worse

Tali, because young girls do not exist in a vacuum! Despite our adult feminist desires, teens do not think the same way! Most decisions they make are underpinned with motivations gleaned from a social media, their peers, TV shows, and those motivations might need guiding or help to make sure that they're coming from the right place to keep them healthy and balanced. Yes, she likes the underwear, but why? Why do YOU choose sexy underwear? Just cause you like it? But WHY do you like it?

Tali, ffs, no one is suggesting hiding them. You're taking viewpoints to the extreme.

goodnight but if you've bought up your girls to think critically I don't see the problem. If you haven't bought them up to idolise celebs and to be obsessed with social media they won't be.

Why do I personally like sexy underwear? Well I like supportive bras cause they're comfy and I like them to also look pretty. I like all my clothes to look pretty, because I think it brightens things up

Im on the fence about the underwear. It does strike "grow up" to me, but st the same time I dont see the problem with a 12 year old wearing it because they like it. If you want to know why, thats a conversation to have with your daughter OP if its going to bother you. And I think its a bit hrsh accusing a woman of ulterior motives when taking her future stepdaughter underwear shopping.

We dont know what your like OP. You might be a dragon and future SM finds it difficult to approach you. Plus, whether you like it or not, your exH is as much a parent to her as you are. If i was buying for a future stepchild- as far as im concerned, as long as had my partners (and the childs father) consent then that would be good enough for me.

RE the makeup- I do think you are being a little harsh. Shes 12, you have to accept that sooner or later she is going to start wanting to experiment with it. Maybe rather tahn bright red lipstick and foundation you surprise her on Xmas with some BB cream, a light lipgloss, a subtle blush and some mascara and you have a pamper afternoon showing her how to apply it properly.

Honestly? I think you need to lighten up. Because I certainly dont need my crystal ball to tell you this will continue if you let it. If you dont get it for her, she will run to her dad and SM.

Dont sweat the small stuff.

"To think critically" - so if you haven't, by now you should just shrug and back off? Oh well, fucked that up, will try harder with the next one. Sure honey, buy whatever you want.

In any case, I think you're underestimating the power of peer pressure and the media.

goodnight I'm not saying you should just shrug it off but it's a disservice to young people to assume they're all weak willed and easily pressured

Again. I'm not assuming either way, which is why I think it doesn't hurt to have a gentle conversation to find out. That's what parenting is, IMO, making sure everything is on the right track.

goodnightdarthvader1 re They are TOTALLY able to look at stuff the same way an adult feminist woman does. Totally. and I would also say totally not able to, TOTALLY. Which is it? I would say the parent can find out. My comment was just to say that we can minimise or maximise anything with language, it is 'only' this or 'just' that but it doesn't make it so. And in the same way, it doesn't make it bad or wrong either. We are all just expressing our opinions. I was a feminist at 16, it's taken me to nearly 50 to really understand what goes on between men and women in the patriarchy we live in, not sure I would have understood a lot of stuff at 12.

Owl re we spend enough of our life having to be grown up, we dont need to force it I totally agree.

Tali re If you haven't bought them up to idolise celebs and to be obsessed with social media they won't be. IMHO that is totally untrue, you can't just bring kids up to be a certain way! Of course we can influence them, yes, for the good, sometimes for the bad! Sometimes by objectimng to something they can go all out for that, watch kids who were brought up without sweets or a tv when they are at a party with sweets or a play date with TV!

To be honest past a certain age who influences them most, their peers! If as a parent we can totally control how our kids think and will think and react I'd guess we have just ended up with kids who naturally similar to us! Or have managed to cut them off from their peers or surround them with peers who think like we do IMHO!

Sometimes kids do their own thing. So no matter what we tried to do in the upbringing they have set their own course.

My dd had a sleep over for her 11th birthday, they all put on make up and looked 15! Well, not all, not my dd because she is not into that much, she had made her own mind up, not my opinions, not her peers, she is very strong willed, it is both comforting and scary!

There are tons of reasons for wanting to look older, I guess it is natural to want to 'grow up', maybe kids want to get into pubs, I easily looked 18 at 15 and visited pubs with no problem. That's about making faces look older. Because this type of underwear is about making bodies look better I do think it needs careful consideration why a 12 year old feels they need that kind of underwear. I do not think the OP is overreacting in being concerned. And I am really glad they have found a compromise.

Sorry --- Because this type of underwear is about making bodies look 'better'!

I don't think that it is remotely necessary to send the message to girls that pretty underwear is a for men't benefit and hence something to postpone wearing until they are of an age to engage in sexual relationships. Pretty underwear is for one's own benefit.

Italian how is it about making bodies look better? it's lightly moulded to hide nipples and its underwired for support.

I really disagree about peer pressure. Something adults totally overstated in my time growing up. same as the "just say no to drugs" thing, no one actually offers everyone drugs. Not saying it doesn't happen but I disagree it's a massive influence

bobo I agree

For support. Yes, totally for your back and not because sagging pendulous baps are considered to be unattractive.

As for peer pressure, I agree it depends on your upbringing. It was rife in my (rough) area growing up.

Bobo, agree, but again you're looking at things through adult eyes and not pre-teen eyes.

Yes, she likes the underwear, but why? Why do YOU choose sexy underwear? Just cause you like it? But WHY do you like it?
Maybe i'm old or just different culture, but myself growing up, when i started wearing a bra, it was a sort of what any adult woman would wear. There was no "teen" range for those things. And "sexy" is in the eye of the beholder really.