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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU do think 12 is too young for lace underthings.

293 replies

Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 21:53

My daughter went shopping with my ex husband fiancé today and came home with several lace bra and panty sets. I've put them aside. She is developed for 12 but I think cotton is more appropriate. At what age should this be allowed?

OP posts:
honeyroar · 20/12/2015 00:22

As a step mum I don't think it remotely strange that the step mum bought underwear, the child needs underwear at both houses surely, and the step mum ought to have a better idea than the dad as to what to buy bra wise. However that set looks a bit too sexy for a 12yr old. Somewhere between the plain cotton mother wants and this would be a good compromise. Accept some lace but in a pale colour and less vampy?

Italiangreyhound · 20/12/2015 01:32

Lace Padded Underwired Balcony Bra not suitable for a 12 year old in my book. And it is not weird to think so at all. And step mum should definitely know better!

cigarsofthepharaoh · 20/12/2015 01:34

Jesus christ. Low standards for being concerned for a daughter? Ffs! I was coerced into sex at a lower age than 12 and a desire for "sexy" underwear as a first sign. It had nothing to do with the person buying the underwear, it had to do with my desire for it, which stemmed from very unhealthy (unknown to both my parents) backgrounds.

The mum is not to blame for worrying, regardless of how misplaced that worry is in your opinion.

Honestly OP, just listen to your instinct. It's probably right. If you think it's just inappropriate but not pushed by any innappropriate sources then maybe a just conversation is in order. If you think it's more (and I'm not talking step-mum but neighbour/school friend/TV/magazines) then a more comprehensive talk is required. It's really up to your instincts, nobody else can tell what the situation is.

Italiangreyhound · 20/12/2015 02:28

cigarsofthepharaoh I am very sorry for your experiences, thank you for sharing them for the sake of the Op's daughter.

PitPatKitKat · 20/12/2015 02:54

Hmm. First sets here were one white broderie anglaise with blue ribbons, one cream lace with pink ribbons. There's nothing wrong with pretty at any age. But what you've linked to is a bit beyond that. I agree with cigars- find out where this is coming from, gently but firmly.

If it's a bit of teenage rebellion/child of divorce playing both ends against the middle, fine, that's normal. Deal with it but don't worry too much it make too much of a fuss. But if it's anything else you'll need to know what you're dealing with asap.

Nataleejah · 20/12/2015 02:56

Honestly... Its JUST underwear. They didn't buy thongs or some pornstar outfit

kali110 · 20/12/2015 02:59

I don't see the problem with them.
Don't see the problem with sm buying them for her either.
Marks bras are really comfy too.
I think they're pretty, i would have loved them. I certainly don't think they're risque.
When you said lace i was expecting lacy see through things.
These are just nice looking bras.
Bet the daughter just feels grown up, that's all.
I had the piss ripped out of me when i was growing up for my underwear!!

I associate rimmel with the young market so not inappropriate for the daughter.
What is it with red lipstick being so bad?
As soon as you put it on does it make you slutty?Confused
As for not wearing makeup at that age, i had strict parents, but i still wore foundation at that age.
I had very bad skin and this was the only thing that made me feel better about it.
I also was allowed to wear lipstick when we went out together, even red lipstick!

Baconyum · 20/12/2015 04:12

I've a 15 year old and no way would she wear that style of underwear now! And that would be by choice! She'd realise its too adult for her. She started wearing make up around that age but neutral eye colours, tinted moisturiser and pink gloss, mascara. She wears a bit more than I'd prefer now but it looks appropriate for her age.

I wonder how old the fiancé is and if they have kids particularly daughters of their own? Also does the father know exactly what was bought? Or does he just know 'undies and make up'? Because twat though he is my ex would not be happy with that style of underwear or make up being bought for dd at 12! Dd's stepmum wouldn't have bought it either though. I have my issues with ex and his wife but I'd never need to worry about inappropriate sexualisation of a 12 year old!

Also OP I'm sorry but I also think you need to find out where the impetus for this is coming from because if it is dd that's asked I'd be concerned and you need to talk to her.

Enjolrass · 20/12/2015 07:21

Quite honestly I don't see the fuss.

I love nice underwear. It makes me feel nice. I often wear tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie over it but still feel nice.

Dd is 11 and doesn't wear make up. Other family manners have bought her bits and her best friends mum did too. I feel a bit 'meh' about it all.

Dd is still in the sports bra stage (she is sporty so it's probably best)

Lacy underwear wouldn't bother me either, except for the comfort factor.

The SM May have instigated it or your dd may have pointed them out or asked.

If the step mum is like me I would guess she didn't even think it would be an issue. I wouldn't even blink of dd picked out lace underwear.

I can't say that if it was my niece or another relative it would enter my mind that the mother Paul's have an issue with it.

Enjolrass · 20/12/2015 07:23

Have no idea where Paul came from Blush

Should say

That the mother would have an issue

wonderpants · 20/12/2015 07:33

I remember being mortified and have never bra shopped with my Mum. I saved up to buy one as I felt she would judge me, not listen to what I want.
I think if my DD came home, I would feel sad that she had asked someone else to buy it and not been able to talk to me.
Maybe if you are taking things like make up off her, she feels you aren't accepting she is growing up.
It is tough, I can see my DD doing the same, and I would be pissed off with the step mum too. But maybe start by accepting your DD for her tastes, her choices. A lacy bra is not dangerous. Foundation and red lipstick isn't causing harm. Keep it in perspective! It isn't crack cocaine she is experimenting with!

cariadlet · 20/12/2015 07:46

12 seems to young to be buying undies from the underwear section M&S or similar - they might stock sizes that are small enough, but they are still designed for adults.

My dd is 13 and likes the Kylie matching knickers and bras that you can buy from the teenage section of M & C. They're cotton and have designs like flowers, butterflies and dogs. She'd soon let me know if she thought they were too childish, so I guess that her friends have the same sort of thing.

I'm still in a bit of a state of shock at the poster who bought silk French knickers and a camisole for her 5 Year old. Really? Or is that a wind up. I've always taught Foundation or Year 1 so have seen hundreds and hundreds of 5 year olds change for P.E. and have never spotted any silk. Very odd.

SorrelForbes · 20/12/2015 07:49

I'd also be concerned that the bra is the wrong size and your DD has been started down the path of badly fitting bras. She probably needs a 26 or 28 band which M&S don't really do.

Toffeelatteplease · 20/12/2015 08:12

My mum never banned anything... she just took me re-shopping for something along the same lines that was more appropriate.

I wouldn't have taken the make up off your DD, she's 12. Show her stuff that is more appropriate to her age and show her how to get it done well.

The washing things seems like a dumbass excuse to try and delay something your DD wants to experiment with. I have never cleansed twice a day because when I did it gave me spots. Now I'm very sure if your DD needs a more regimented regime she will work it out by herself or you can say you told her so.

Stepmum may be overstepping her boundaries but frankly if you ban any kind of experimentation with growing up your giving her a hell of a lot to work.

Gowgirl · 20/12/2015 08:22

Maybe she used m&s as it has a fitting service! If she does not have dc's she wouldn't know different and m&s is hardly le senza! They do almost utility and their 'pretty range'. I wouldn't worry about it.

Gowgirl · 20/12/2015 08:28

Just a thought....I brought my first wonder bra at thirteen.....
As a flat chested teen who was often mistaken for a lad ( bloody haircut looked great in smash hits!) it was a revelation! Happily spent my teens saving for more and stuffing ALL the pads into the days bra lol

kesstrel · 20/12/2015 08:33

Had a similar problem with stepmother buying DD age 13 bra and knicker set, with back of knickers entirely see-through. I was Shock.

Enjolrass · 20/12/2015 08:34

sorrel dd has had bras in a 26 from M&S. I took her there to get her measured

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 20/12/2015 08:35

Cigarsofthepharaoh :( :(

OP posts:
Anomaly · 20/12/2015 08:42

Have you talked to your DD? My mum did not really take on board that I was getting older. She didn't like it when I started wearing crop tops and my aunt actually bought me my first bra as a birthday present which I wore until it fell apart. I would have loved someone to have taken me underwear shopping. Or shown me how to use make up and help me buy some.

Anomaly · 20/12/2015 08:45

Posted too soon.

It might be your daughter finds it less embarrassing talking to someone who isn't mum. I know I never talked to mine as I was too embarrassed.

Hulababy · 20/12/2015 08:48

Dd is 13y and chooses her own underwear usually , has done for a little while - some of what she has probably has some lace on. Sometimes her bras are underwrites, sometimes not. We make sure she is measured beforehand properly and that aspect is far more important to me than if there is some wire or a bit of padding.

Mind you, I also allow make up when she isn't at school (not allowed though she is known to put some concealer or bb cream on if she has a spot or two to hide.) yes, Dd has lovely skin and doesn't 'need' it - but young teens have experimented for years with no real problems. I let her colour her hair too, etc.

I tend to be fairly relaxed about things like that. I'm saving the angst for anything bigger that may come up tbh.

SorrelForbes · 20/12/2015 08:51

Enjolrass Hmmm, I've never seen 26 bands anywhere on the high street. Slightly heartened to hear that M&S measured your DD as a 26 as IME they always add 4/5" to the under bust measurement.

Hulababy · 20/12/2015 08:53

Mind there is no chance Dd would chose the red/black set linked too. She wouldn't consider that colour combination and likes a bit more coverage.
If it was in some other brighter colour perhaps.

Hulababy · 20/12/2015 08:57

And m&s do do 28 back sizes at the very least.

Most of the teen ranges don't do much more than a B cup which tbh once a girl starts developing its not going to last that long.

Dd can't get a cup size to fit in most teen ranges - well, she could of she used the m&s style measuring I guess but I'd rather have her measured properly.