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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU do think 12 is too young for lace underthings.

293 replies

Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 21:53

My daughter went shopping with my ex husband fiancé today and came home with several lace bra and panty sets. I've put them aside. She is developed for 12 but I think cotton is more appropriate. At what age should this be allowed?

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 20/12/2015 18:00

goodnight it definitely is for support. I don't have massive boobs but they're medium sized and without underwired I get back ache, sore boobs and they just feel horrible.

Bras are just as much for practical reasons as to look better

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 20/12/2015 18:05

She said she picked it because it was more like mine. I don't think she was trying to impress anyone

OP posts:
Owllady · 20/12/2015 18:06

So if your twelve year old looked like a young woman, was 5ft 6 and a 32b. You would be quite happy with her wearing underwear that looked like it had been purchased from Ann summers? I really don't think it's necessary
But you know, if you are happy with your own adolescent daughter wearing it, then that's your call. Honestly, it is.
Personally my call is to try to make them less vulnerable than they already are. My 16yo has sn, so this is a pertinent issue for me, but even my 15yo (no sn) is vulnerable, still a child and I prefer age appropriate clothing

I realise I sound like a fuddy duddy parent. I'm reading my own posts back half smiling at them :o I don't wrap them up in cotton wool at all but I don't want them to be forced to be older just because of exterior pressure.

But we are all different in what we feel is UN/acceptable

Owllady · 20/12/2015 18:10

Tiptoe, it sounds like I'm aiming that post at you, I'm not Blush

I've realised this is a touchpaper subject for me. I'll piss off :o

Young, tall and early adolescence with divorced cool parents was not a great mix for me and I'm most probably projecting too :) I think you've handled it really well

0christmastree5 · 20/12/2015 18:17

I haven't read all replies but wanted to add.
Did your dd choose the underwear herself?
I'm a prude, and when I take my dd (abit older than your dd) underwear shopping she selects alone. I helped her initially with sizing etc but don't any more.
With make up as well I'd be really annoyed as I would want to do those things I suppose so yanb.

TaliZorah · 20/12/2015 18:19

owllady I personally would be okay with it. I just see it as underwear and I would hope she would talk to me about potential relationships.

I suppose we are all different in how we look at it

Janeymoo50 · 20/12/2015 18:26

I loved lace as a young teen, to me they were pretty and a step up from the Ladybird vest and pants sets I normally got. I guess it all depends if the underwear is sexy as opposed to just pretty? I would not however have purchased underwear for someone else's daughter of her age though, it's a mum thing if that makes sense.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 20/12/2015 18:26

I didn't take it personally Owllady.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 20/12/2015 18:35

How does lace underwear make a teen more vulnerable? Can someone explain?

Hotpatootietimewarp · 20/12/2015 20:30

Just my opinion but I think it is too much at 12 also and I'm only 27. Me personally I would pick a set like that as surprise for OH or for going underneath something for a night out not day to day wear (which I can't see your DD using it for everyday wear especially if her school shirts are white). Myself as a teen I did have pretty bras and pants with a by of lace or a pattern overlay but they were just soft padded plain white ones. Of course not a lot can be done now she has it but I'd encourage it to be used for special occasions under dark tops.

As for the red lipstick same opinion a bit much at 12, I have red lipstick but only use it for night out wear. I wouldn't have taken it off her but encouraged it for special occasion use. The rest of the make up I'd have been meh about as long as it was correctly applied. I have started having chats with DD who is 7 (maybe a bit young but she asks) about how a little make up is ok but the 6 inches of orange foundation trowelled on, spider eyelashes and eyebrows drawn on with a sharpie is not a good look!

itsmine · 20/12/2015 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneWeasley · 20/12/2015 20:53

12 is a child

Lacy underwear and red lipstick are like booze, fags and hardcore swearing - things which are fine for adults but NSF children .

Just showed DP the link to the underwear and it's total agreement that the underwear set is not appropriate for a 12 year old.

LalaLeona · 20/12/2015 20:54

Ewww cringing a bit at op's use of the word 'panties'!

Italiangreyhound · 20/12/2015 21:23

TaliZorah re Italian how is it about making bodies look better? confused it's lightly moulded to hide nipples and its underwired for support. it's lacy and sexy and designed to look attractive on an adult woman, I am not sure how that is not clear. Whether you or I or anyone else thinks adult bodies look better unlcothed is not really the point this type of underwear is designed to look good on a body. I don't think a 12 year old needs to think about that, is all.

How much peers influence kids is really very varied, I was just saying I don't think all parents need to do is bring kids up well and they will follow parents example. Lots of kids go mildly or majourly off the rails (OP this is not about you or your dd I was just saying something to Tali about peer pressure). I do think parents can influence children for good, definitely, but sometimes, with the best will in the world peers win out. I stated smoking at 12 because of a friend, went to the pub at 15, because of same friend, my parents knew about neither. But of course things vary.

itsbetterthanabox re How does lace underwear make a teen more vulnerable? Can someone explain? Well IMHO for one it is an indication that someone might be more grown up than they really are. It may make them look more grown up. Of course if no one sees the underwear it won't be an issue. Also, if someone had asked a young person to buy or wear grown up underwear this could be a worry. This is NOT saying this is the case for the OP's dd but it could be a reason a young person chooses or wears something because a boy/boy friend/male or other asks them to.

itsbetterthanabox · 21/12/2015 00:46

If someone is seeing their underwear then that's the issue not the underwear itself. Lace won't cause a young girl to have sex and cotton won't stop her doing if either.
No one has explained yet what harm lacs underwear does. Imo demonising an item of clothing and sexualising it to her will cause far more damage and is the attitude of victim Blamers.

Ericaequites · 21/12/2015 02:49

Sexy underwear is inappropriate for schoolgirls. I'm not saying your daughter should wear a vest, but not a suggestive bra. Plain white or pale pink is best, or beiges if a person of color. Underpants should be all cotton, and never thongs. Thongs encourage infection, so aren't suitable for anyone.

itsmine · 21/12/2015 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dratsea · 21/12/2015 11:11

Dad here, 'tis hard watching them grow up. I gave my son a razor just over 2yrs ago, he needed it not at the time but... They grow up fast, 2,5 years later and I occasionally ask to borrow a blade or a bit of foam. Now 15, and he has had an allowance for clothing for a couple of years, buys on line, and really does spend it on clothing, including his trendy branded underwear.

As for emptying the washing machine/clearing the line... Until a couple years it was really easy to separate washing into my, grey saggy M&S Y fronts (well yes M&S, but mostly blue and why spoil a story), mum's granny pants, dd thongs and lacy "bits" and the now sporty elasticated boxers for ds. Well.. perhaps. All Y fronts are still mine and mine alone, sporty "branded" boxers might be on loan from ds to dd but no... got told in no uncertain terms that they are "hers" and the thongs might be on loan from dd to her mum (only on loan but go in her drawer as not sure she brave enough to actually buy then), and heaven forbid, some of granny pants (think they be a bit more "slinky") actually belong to dd? The end of the world is nigh...

And I do my best with the bras, underwired, easy, = dd, can "recognise" a few as belonging to dw but many have to be left out for "collection"

So, please OP empower her, or allow Ex's partner, to get her whatever she wants or rather feels she "needs", it is certainly part of growing up and with the benefit of hindsight part of parenting. You will all have a giggle about it in a couple of years, esp when you try to sort the washing.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 21/12/2015 11:23

Dad here

A MAN HAS ARRIVED.

You will all have a giggle about it in a couple of years, esp when you try to sort the washing.

Yes, my child might feel pressured into growing up too soon, but at least sorting the washing will be a fucking barrel o' laughs.

I'm not sure why you're trying to compare giving your 2 yo son a razor to a 12 yo girl getting adult-style underwear, when shaving beards is not associated with early sex. (The "cool parents" on this thread will argue that sexy underwear isn't either, but as I keep trying to point out, the desire for it can be symptomatic of other issues.) As you correctly point out, 2.5 years is a long time. We're not talking about a 14.5 yo girl getting sexy underwear, she's 12.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 21/12/2015 11:23

12 yo son, sorry*

mrtwitsglasseye · 21/12/2015 11:33

I wouldn't feel comfortable. To me, lacy underwear and underworld bras are sexual.

TaliZorah · 21/12/2015 11:40

How are underwires sexusl at all?

I disagree that lace is but I can see WHY, underwires though are for support

itsmine · 21/12/2015 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorah · 21/12/2015 11:49

What difference does the colour make

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 11:53

I think that the colour makes a huge difference. That set in white or cream would be a bit grown up for 12, but Ok, in my opinion. Red and black makes it properly grown up.

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