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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU do think 12 is too young for lace underthings.

293 replies

Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 21:53

My daughter went shopping with my ex husband fiancé today and came home with several lace bra and panty sets. I've put them aside. She is developed for 12 but I think cotton is more appropriate. At what age should this be allowed?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 20/12/2015 09:05

For me it's not the style so much as the colour. It's horrible! And red underwear still has a sort of subtext to it......

I am pretty sure if it was white or cream people would be reacting very differently.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 20/12/2015 09:06

She was measured which I was happy about and wearing the right size. I'm sure the fit is good. I talked to her this morning and she was told to pick out whatever she liked and that's what she chose. I also received a text from SM. She said the same thing but when DD chose the ones she did she didn't feel like she could say no. I feel a little better knowing she felt they weren't maybe just the thing either but she will have to learn to say no sometimes.

OP posts:
Artandco · 20/12/2015 09:12

That's good. I think it's good allowing her to choose as that way she's more likely to find out herself if they are uncomfortable and choose different next time, than rebel against something she doesn't think she likes.
I would tell your daughter to make sure she lets you know if they begin to feel small at all as she may grow quickly. If not you will go with her in 6 months time to just make sure she's the same size or needs altering whilst she is growing the next few years

I personally think it's good she has a good relationship with step mother also, as at least you know she is happy to turn to her when there if she has any problems rather than waiting until home if needed.

Toffeelatteplease · 20/12/2015 09:16

Maybe not this time. She was told to pick out what she liked, she did. Itwas clearly a positive experience for her and it would be a shame to sour that.

Next time might be the time to do a lot of "this is nice, have you seen this?"

I dislike the "right" way to measure a bra. Ime translates as more uncomfortable and harder to find a bra that fits.... except from their expensive range. Whatever feels comfortable and fits well imo

Let the poor kids have a bit of make up. If you don't like what she bought go out and get some with her...

diddl · 20/12/2015 09:21

I personally think that that underwear it too old for a 12yr old, although I've nothing against lace.

Perhaps the overriding thing is that it's great that they get on well & at least the stuff is coming home to you & not being kept as some secret between them.

bigTillyMint · 20/12/2015 09:27

If your DD chose them, then it's not quite the same as the step-mother choosing them for her. She perhaps didn't know/feel confident enough to say that underwired bras aren't suitable whilst you're still developing.

They do look quite a grown-up style - DD will wear that sort of thing now, but she's 16. At 12 she might have chosen them, but then felt too embarrassed to wear them, despite being very well-developed at 12. And she would only wear white bras because anything else showed through her school shirt.

It'll be interesting to see if your DD actually wears them!

sashh · 20/12/2015 09:56

I have always (as long as I can remember) loved nice undies, my bra and pants always match and I have a vast array - strangely I don't cvare much about outer clothes.

SorrelForbes · 20/12/2015 09:58

Tiptoethroughthetinsel Sadly, if she was measured at M&S she's almost certainly wearing the wrong size, sorry. thebetterbracampaign.blogspot.co.uk/p/fitting-advice.html

BoboChic · 20/12/2015 10:02

Nothing wrong with pretty underwear. Presumably she didn't buy crotchless thongs and quarter cup bras?

Waitingfordolly · 20/12/2015 10:27

I have a 12 yo DD and there is no way at all I would buy her the set you linked to. She wears cotton bras and knickers and had never shown any interest in anything else. If she were to want something a little more "grown up" I would definitely want to have a conversation with her about the expectations that women have on them to look attractive / sexy and whether there are parallel expectations on men/boys. I definitely would consider it inappropriate for someone else to buy it for her.

ActivelyAnxious · 20/12/2015 12:32

I've been looking at the set the OP linked and I think it makes a difference to look at the photo of them not on the model. Obviously on an adult model they look grown up! But just hanging on a shelf I can see them appealing in terms of colour, pattern etc. If as you say this was your daughter's preference then I think she probably wasn't even thinking of the fact that they could be perceived as sexy!

Owllady · 20/12/2015 12:41

I think that's completely inappropriate for a twelve year old (I have a sixteen year old daughter)

Owllady · 20/12/2015 12:48

And btw as a mother of teenagers I do not want to be 'cool' or 'mates' with them. They deserve someone who will parent them and act like an adult in the relationship and sometimes that means making decisions for them that they may not like but are appropriate.

I realise this makes me sound like an old fart. I'm 38 so not old :o

knobblyknee · 20/12/2015 12:48

I'm fucking horrified. It might be my age. No, yanbu in mho. I'd fucking bin them.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 20/12/2015 12:52

I've told her she may keep them but for special occasions only and her SM and I agreed to both take her shopping together in the sales and find her some things that are lovely but more age appropriate. It'll give us a chance to get to know eachother better and it will be good for DD to see us all as a team.

OP posts:
Owllady · 20/12/2015 12:58

That sounds like a very grown up compromise :)

TheFairyCaravan · 20/12/2015 12:58

I'm 45 and if I was wearing the underwear you linked OP DH would think it was his lucky night. It's far too sexy for a 12 year old IMO.

I was expecting something like this which would be borderline for me.

I am so bloody glad I've got boys

Toffeelatteplease · 20/12/2015 13:00

Wow that sounds an incredible result! Much admiration.

itsbetterthanabox · 20/12/2015 13:13

I really think this strange focus on her underwear is what will cause real issues. You are the one telling her this underwear is too sexual when it's just underwear!
This old fashioned fear of under wiring is strange too. Bras are for support. If it's not for support which is what under wiring gives then what's the point of wearing them?
The makeup rules you have make it all about 'sexiness' too. Young people play around with their look and look bad sometimes. It's part of growing up. Controlling her doing this makes it just about her looking good.

TaliZorah · 20/12/2015 13:29

And btw as a mother of teenagers I do not want to be 'cool' or 'mates' with them.

I don't get this. It's possible to do both.

Good result OP Smile

honeyroar · 20/12/2015 13:35

Wonderful decision Op, especially involving Sm, hats off to you.

timelytess · 20/12/2015 13:37

I'm still in a bit of a state of shock at the poster who bought silk French knickers and a camisole for her 5 Year old. Really? Or is that a wind up
I think you're probably quite easily shocked.

Owllady · 20/12/2015 15:29

I think being a parent is a very different relationship to a friendship, to me anyway. But I'm most probably damaged by my own relationship with my parents, who imo treated me as a sibling rather than their child. They were incredibly cool (immature) it wasn't natural. I remember being jealous of my friend who had uncool, older parents, as they parented her and didn't try and be her mate. It made me incredibly insecure.

I think it most probably is possible to be both, but not in my life. I just wanted to explain.

My teenagers tell me hell of alot, more than I used to tell my parents so I don't think I'm doing too badly :)

Baconyum · 20/12/2015 15:33

I'm not easily shocked but I do think that style of underwear for a 5 yr old is ridiculous!

A few of the comments from pp are ones that haven't seen the linked to set. Black n red not only lace but see through micro mesh sections (large ones) and a balconette bra. Not appropriate.

I think what you've come up with is an excellent solution op but it may be worth having a chat with dd over why she chose that style of underwear.

TaliZorah · 20/12/2015 15:35

Fair enough. My mum is a "friend" type parent, dad less so but still relaxedand I think it's great. I found it really helpful growing up and I have a great relationship with both of them! I never felt they didn't care or anything

Different strokes for different folks