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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU do think 12 is too young for lace underthings.

293 replies

Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 21:53

My daughter went shopping with my ex husband fiancé today and came home with several lace bra and panty sets. I've put them aside. She is developed for 12 but I think cotton is more appropriate. At what age should this be allowed?

OP posts:
PippaPug · 19/12/2015 23:01

Hmmmm I don't see much harm in it to be honest, but I may be biased because so have just brought my friends daughters underwear sets (and then just knickers) from Victoria secret who is just turned 14 - no thongs but all different styles because she likes the brand :)

goodnightdarthvader1 · 19/12/2015 23:01

But surely if you thought anyone was pushing her sexually, you wouldn't be pissing about worrying about a bit of lace on her underwear?

And how would you find that out? This may be the first red flag. A 12 yo may not always feel comfortable confessing all to mum no matter how good their relationship.

LBOCS2 · 19/12/2015 23:01

That's just adult underwear. And IMO if her breasts are large enough to fit into an adult sized bra, she should be wearing adult underwear - with appropriate support, including well fitting underwire. It's much better for your back than the crappy triangle shaped ones that New Look et al sell for pre teens.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 19/12/2015 23:02

I think that's a bit inappropriate for a 12 year old tbh - as is red lipstick. I'm making myself sound old fashioned but i'm mid 20s. I think fun brightly coloured lacy stuff is fine but i'm not surprised you feel a bit strange about it.

I'd talk to your ex. I'm surprised her dad is OK with that stuff - mine wouldn't have been! And then i'd take her shopping and buy her some mascare, lipgloss, eyeshadow and blusher - maybe at a nice makeup counter for some fun mother daughter time?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 19/12/2015 23:03

tiptoe, she's talking to me as I dared to float it as a possibility - and a reason for a good chat about the motivation behind wanting the underwear, in case there's more to it than just wanting to look "grown up" for her own reasons. Apparently 12 yo girls exist in a vacuum, who knew?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 19/12/2015 23:04

pippa, I'd be less uncomfortable if the OP's DD was 14 instead of 12. 2 years is a fairly long time for someone of that age.

Puffpastry1 · 19/12/2015 23:04

Battle of the feminists going on now Grin Im a woman, that says enough surely.

It's hard isn't it OP when they start to grow up.

This I feel is more the issue and I have certainly gone through it.

MySordidCakeSecret · 19/12/2015 23:05

jesus that is very inapropriate!! shocked anyone could consider it not to be! Confused

Puffpastry1 · 19/12/2015 23:06

You also wanted to be the first to do the lace stuff too, not the other person. I get it.

Chattymummyhere · 19/12/2015 23:06

None of the main parts are see though. Looks a nice set

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2015 23:06

goodnightdarthvader1 I think you seem to be running away with your own imagination on this thread.

The OP knows her DD and isn't worried about the boy thing.

PeachFuzzzz · 19/12/2015 23:07

I think that the underwear is a bit adult, tbh. I would allow her to keep it to keep the peace, but I would sit down with ex-H and the fiance (perhaps?) and have a chat about what you think is suitable and agree some ground rules to prevent further issues. Its twice already, and as exH is marrying her, then it would be better to be proactive about it. In a nice way. " I appreciate you want to fit into DD's life and be cool but there are also rules to follow and its not fair that I have to keep saying NO to things." and find a way to work together in the future?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 19/12/2015 23:09

Battle of the feminists going on now

Indeed. I'm not suggesting there's a "right way" to "woman", but what's "empowering" to a 25 yo woman can be "too much too soon" for a 12 yo girl. But dare to suggest that and you're being unfeminist and an uncool mum.

For the record, I have no problem with lacy underwear, extravagant make up, "sexy" clothes, vibrators, or anything else. But I would suggest caution in WHEN these things are introduced (and what TYPE is introduced) at certain ages. I think that will make me a sensible and cautious parent, not a prude. And certainly not my DD's best friend - because my job is to be her mum, not her mate.

Enough, I'm off to bed.

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2015 23:09

Xmas Grin at 'as is red lipstick'

I honestly don't think girls today even know about their great grannies' bosom hoiking over red lipstick.

That really is a blast from the past Grin

According to my gran, red lipstick or ankle bracelets were what 'ladies of the night' wore.

Bless her!

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:11

I done feel the need to be the first at all. I just assumed she'd be quite a bit older that's all. I don't feel competitive with the new step mom. Or I didnt. The last few weeks are firsts really. She seems nice I'm not feeling nasty twords her. I'm just concerned

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 19/12/2015 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3littlefrogs · 19/12/2015 23:16

I just showed that to my 17 yr old DD and asked her if she considered it suitable for a 12 year old. Without hesitation she said No.

I asked her opinion about the red lipstick and she said that was a bit Hmm too.

I agree with you OP - it just doesn't sit right with me. I wonder if the new partner/STB stepmother has an agenda here?

Icrackedup · 19/12/2015 23:17

Stop judging your daughter by your low standards. She's only 12 ffs.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:18

What sort of agenda?

OP posts:
Icrackedup · 19/12/2015 23:20

Oooh there's an agenda? Please do share, 3littlefrogs.

Some people are masters at making others paranoid. This thread is evidence aplenty of that.

Husband stays out - he's having an affair.

Stepmother buys red lipstick and nice underwear for child - dubious agenda.

Honestly, OP, your daughter probably asked for a red lipstick. What brand is it?

Crazybaglady · 19/12/2015 23:22

I dont see the harm. Maybe thats why she went underwear shooing with step mum? Because mum makes her wear ugly cotton underwear that shes embarrassed about in the school changing rooms?!

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2015 23:22

I don't think that is appropriate style for a 12 year old. All the 12 year olds I know (well enough to be familiar with their underwear anyway) are in cotton with maybe a little bit of lace.
By 14/15 not an issue but 12, no way. Ditto red lipstick. Some things can wait a bit.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:22

Rimmel. Does it matter?

OP posts:
NanaNina · 19/12/2015 23:23

I am astonished that this underwear was bought for a 12 year old. It's pretty but too old for her. Everyone is talking about the step mum but what about the girl's father. I think it's a bit weird that of all the things they could have bought her, they bought underwear, unless of course she asked for it. Most 12 year olds certainly wouldn't want their dad with them when buying underwear. What's the step mum up to - adult underwear, red lipstick and other make up.

OP you sound lovely and clearly want to keep the piece but I do think you should have a word with both of them about these purchases. Can you ask your DD if she asked for underwear or whether it was their idea. It's just a bit spooky as far as I'm concerned.

NanaNina · 19/12/2015 23:24

the peace even!