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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU do think 12 is too young for lace underthings.

293 replies

Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 21:53

My daughter went shopping with my ex husband fiancé today and came home with several lace bra and panty sets. I've put them aside. She is developed for 12 but I think cotton is more appropriate. At what age should this be allowed?

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 19/12/2015 22:29

She did buy her the make up. I told DD she couldn't wear make up until she turns washing her face twice a day into a religion.

Er, I know step-mums get a hard time on here and I'm not trying to bash, but she needs to relook at her boundaries.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 22:31

How do I do that without sounding awful. I really want everyone to get along and then I'm the bad guy and she is the fun step mom.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 19/12/2015 22:32

Why did you take her makeup off her? :/

Chattymummyhere · 19/12/2015 22:32

Does the step mum know you have said no to all of this though? Could your DD be saying it's ok to her? So she buys it when asked.

TaliZorah · 19/12/2015 22:33

chatty I was thinking that

monkeysox · 19/12/2015 22:33

Chattymummy you said about seeing garments when changing for sports. I feel sports bras would be more appropriate and educating young girls about support is distinctively lacking.

Underwiring and lace as long as it fits and is fit for purpose is fine. A wonderbra not so much.

Willow33 · 19/12/2015 22:34

Personally I don't think they are appropriate. Lace in underwear is suggestive as far I am concerned. As a school teacher who is used to supervising girls of that age getting changed for P.E , I can't say I have ever seen girls wearing lace undies / bras.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 22:35

I did explain why I thought she was too young for make up. She seemed to take it ok but my ex called to complain later so maybe she wasn't happy.

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 19/12/2015 22:35

Does the step mum know you have said no to all of this though? Could your DD be saying it's ok to her? So she buys it when asked.

Is the step-mum that fucking naive?

As for how to approach, OP, no experience here so I'll defer to anyone who would like to be helpful

I would have suggested a neutral, non-confrontational approach outlining that it's important to make joint decisions about your DD so everyone's on the same page, and that you're not against her having things like make up or grown-up underwear necessarily, but that you would like to be consulted so a compromise on the type of things bought for DD can be agreed by all. But she will probably take it wrong no matter how reasonable you are.

Youarentkiddingme · 19/12/2015 22:36

Places like new look sell the boxer style knickers that are lacy with bras that are full material with a lacy cover. I wouldn't find it even figured on my mind that a developed 12yo would buy these if they fit.

However There is a big different between the new look lacy styles and those from somewhere like Contessa.

My best friends DD is nearly 12, 5"6, size 8 and 32B. My friend says it's really difficult because she wants her shopping for adult clothes because they fit her better but doesn't want her choosing clothes that a 20yo student would be wearing out on the town! But like she says she also doesn't want to expect her DD to dress like she does!

Chattymummyhere · 19/12/2015 22:38

No doubt sports bras are better while doing the sport but how many teenage or nearly teenage girls are wearing sports bras all day at school? It was practically a catwalk at my school comparing styles and where was best to buy in the girls changing rooms here. Apart from those who rushed off into the toilets to change so nobody would see your undies.

At 12 she's at that age where the more you ban something the more she will want it or just spend her own pocket money/birthday/Christmas money and just hide the items from a parent who bans it.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 22:38

These aren't cutsy H&M type things. They are from Marks and Sparks but look very grown up. Cutsy with a bit of lace wouldn't have bothered me

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 19/12/2015 22:39

E.g. the compromise could be light pink lipstick rather than red, cotton underwear with lacy bits, etc.

Italiangreyhound · 19/12/2015 22:39

The main thing for me would be under wired as an issue, I feel it's not good necessarily.

If my dh had married again/had a new partner, I would not want her buying my dd underwear.

The fact it is lace is the least concerning bit for me but I see your point, it would still concern me a bit.

I'd have a chat to dd, in your shoes, and encourage her to wait for lacy underwear.

TaliZorah · 19/12/2015 22:40

Because she doesn't wash her face twice a day?

OP maybe buy her a good cleanser and show her some techniques. Be involved instead of just YOU CANT HAVE THAT.

When I was that age of something was banned I was more likely to go for it

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 22:41

Exactly!!! These things just seem a bridge too far

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 19/12/2015 22:41

Underwires aren't unhealthy

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2015 22:41

It's just lace underwear. I really don't see the big deal.

Nor do I see the big deal in the future step mum buying her underwear when out shopping.

The girl is 12 years old. I'm sure she has a mind of her own and was obviously happy with the shopping trip.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 22:43

She has better cleanser than I do and I've shown her how. If she isn't taking off the make up at night it's very bad for her skin. Until she does it as a matter of course then I don't feel she is ready. Washing her face twice daily isn't really a huge ask. Taking it off is part of the responsibility of being able to wear it.

OP posts:
Jw35 · 19/12/2015 22:43

I've got a 12 year old and I wouldn't like it. I don't think yabu. Just because others think it's ok doesn't mean it is for you, she's your dd.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 19/12/2015 22:44

I now totally sound like my mother, but there are too many girls who slather themselves in foundation, then start getting break outs, so get stuck in a cycle of using foundation. Plus SO MANY OF THEM don't need foundation, their natural skintone is beautiful. You don't have to cake yourself in make up to be attractive, but unfortunately loads of teenage role models do just that. So depressing.

I desperately needed foundation as I was spot prone, but I only covered my spots, not my whole face.

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2015 22:44

And what TaliZorah said with bells on.

My Mum was anti make-up when I was 12, so I used to wear it when I stayed at my friend's house.

She also wouldn't let me shave my legs so I borrowed my Dad's non safety razor and shaved them using a bar of bloody soap - OUCH!

She's growing up and buying some pretty underwear really isn't the end of the world.

Pick your battles OP.

fieldfare · 19/12/2015 22:45

I think you're overthinking it tbh.
My Dd turned 13 a month ago, she wears a 32e and still growing. She has to wear under wired bras, as long as they're well fitting,flat against the rib cage and not of a push up or plunge nature she can choose which ever pattern, colour or material she likes. Same for knickers, as long as no thongs then she can choose.
I accidentally bought some pale cream lacy shorts in the wrong size, they were mislabelled so Dd has taken these, she liked them so much we went back and bought more.
It's one of those things I don't really mind about, why does it matter so much to you?

specialsubject · 19/12/2015 22:45

none of it is unhealthy, as long as it is not an up-the-bum dental floss design.

if she can stand the itching, good luck to her. I hate lace on anything, and it is always ghastly tatty nylon anyway.

ditto underwires; if she finds them comfortable, fine. They are only a health risk to a washing machine.

TaliZorah · 19/12/2015 22:46

Obviously it's bad for her skin but lipstick snd mascara won't hurt surely. Foundation I can see why you would t want to if she's not taking it off. Buy her some wipes and see if she uses them

I think a compromise would work much better than a ban