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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU do think 12 is too young for lace underthings.

293 replies

Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 21:53

My daughter went shopping with my ex husband fiancé today and came home with several lace bra and panty sets. I've put them aside. She is developed for 12 but I think cotton is more appropriate. At what age should this be allowed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:25

He wasn't there. It was just the two of them.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 19/12/2015 23:25

Maybe agenda is the wrong word. I wonder if she is trying to form a relationship by being more easygoing, allowing things that you wouldn't approve of, what used to be called "turning someone's head". IYSWIM.

I hope it doesn't become a regular thing, you having to say no to something that she has bought your DD on a regular basis. That could become quite difficult to deal with.

My MIL used to do this with DS1. For example - she would bring large amounts of sweets and produce them just as I was serving lunch. I would ask her not to do this and she would immediately tell him that she had brought him lovely sweeties but mean old mummy said No.

She wanted him to like her better than he liked me.

Does that make any sense at all?

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:26

I don't think it was anything suspicious just maybe naive

OP posts:
Crazybaglady · 19/12/2015 23:26

Oh hang on she came home with lace knickers and red lipstick?! Scrap my previous response that's just odd!

Has she got any other make up?

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 19/12/2015 23:27

OP, if they're in that colour they are sexy undies and inappropriate. Don't take them off DD, but ask her to save them for special occasions such as family parties/weddings. I would see if you can have a quick chat with SM. thank her for being so kind and making such an effort with DD, but ask if she can run any potentially controversial purchases by you instead of going ahead. But do it nicely, because it does sound like she is making an effort to get on with DD, and she could do a lot worse for stepmothers.

But Good Lord. Some of the things I'm reading on here almost sound like a comedy sketch. I can't imagine what a teenager would think if they were lectured on having to have a hygenically breathable cotton gusset and be trussed up in sports bras for 'proper support'. It sounds like the Phys Ed teacher from St Trinians has been let loose on Mumsnet. What do you think is going to happen if they wear lacy undies? The underwire will make their breasts fall off? If their vagina comes into contact with man made fabrics it'll seal up?

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:27

That's awful!!!!! I wouldn't have let her come back for lunch.
I do see what you mean. I hope that's not the case. I've tried very hard to keep things light for everyone

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 19/12/2015 23:30

Turning into a bit of a which hunt on the step mum.

DD and step mum go shopping, step mum buys things she sees no issue with that DD asks for, some of it goes back to DD's house and suddenly there is a motive.

Who knows what the DD keeps at her dads house, more than likely most things if mum keeps taking it away.

3littlefrogs · 19/12/2015 23:31

Icrackedup

I am just sharing my thoughts. The OP is asking for people's opinions.
She is obviously feeling a bit uncomfortable, as I would, and I am trying to put my finger on what might be the reason behind it.

I am not trying to make anyone paranoid.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:33

I'm really not worried about it being creepy at all. Im not concerned for her safety with SM at all. Really. I never meant to imply that at all

OP posts:
Featherstep · 19/12/2015 23:33

This thread makes me feel like an old fashioned prude. I'm 34 and have no DD but I thought 12 year olds wear pastel cotton undies, some with lace maybe but not red and black mesh. That isn't just 'a bit grown up', that is proper sexy to me.

LilaTheTiger · 19/12/2015 23:33

Let her be. Why can't she choose what she wants to wear?

My DDs are 14 and 12. They wear what they like. I wouldn't dream of policing their underwear!

She's chosen pretty things and she's probably thrilled with them. She feels empowered because she's getting to choose. If you tell her she can't wear this, quite frankly she'll think you are mad.

I get the stepmother thing though... But you have to let it go. Pick your battles wisely

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 19/12/2015 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 19/12/2015 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:36

I hadnt considered my daughter asking like that. I've never told her no to underwear before and she has never asked for anything like that

OP posts:
Borninthe60s · 19/12/2015 23:36

If step mum doesn't have kids she might not realise she's doing things that are "your" job

I'd imagine they're enjoying shopping, daughter pushing boundaries a little as she knows what your restrictions are and step mum wanting to feel accepted.

I wouldn't make a big think about it, but suggest as they're pretty/nice they are kept for weekends or non school uniform times.

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:37

I said I wasn't concerned. I trust her SM

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 19/12/2015 23:39

One of my dds' relatives recently bought them a cami top and knickers which were quite lacy and featured a see through bit. I was quite aghast at first, but have now realised nothing terrible has happened since they've worn them mainly at night instead of pyjamas. They both like them and think they look pretty, I don't think the 'sexy' connotation is there at all for them. They are not as adult looking as that bra and knickers though, I have to say I do think pale red/pink and black lacy with see through is too much at 12.

It's not that anything terrible will happen if she wears it, it's about having already to conform to very restrictive standards of what is attractive already, and very adult standards of what is attractive/pretty already.

It's an odd gift to buy, and that combined with the red lipstick (I let my dds' of a similar age wear lipgloss on weekends, that's it) seems like she's pushing an agenda here, not only about bonding and being fun step mum but having a more grown up step daughter and you have to wonder why that is (fun, to seem cool).

Original poster
Tiptoethroughthetinsel · 19/12/2015 23:43

I think she wants them to be friends and I'm happy about that. I just don't want to be second guessed either

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 19/12/2015 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpendSpendSpend · 19/12/2015 23:49

Im 28 and i think the underwear you linked to is very sexy!

I dont think it should be worn by a young girl. An 18 year old yes, not blooody 12!!!

The underwear with red lipstick and foundation does not sit right with me. Why is this woman trying to sexualise such a young girl??

Over my dead body would my 12 year old by wearing that

Keeptrudging · 19/12/2015 23:58

I'm a stepmum, DSD is 12. If I ever had to go shopping for underwear with her (god forbid), I would be playing it ultra - safe. Grab a pack of 5 cotton pants/plainish white/pale bra. No chance would I buy something like that, it's not age - appropriate (and her Mum would kill me). My own DD is also 12, she's still in cotton/fairly plain underwear. When she's older she may choose to buy fancier stuff, but I do think the set OP posted is more like someone much older would wear.

It seems like the stepmum maybe doesn't have a good understanding of children of that age and is trying to be like the cool older sister/friend, I wouldn't see it as malicious, more misguided.

ovenchips · 19/12/2015 23:58

The underwear set you linked to looks like it's for and aimed at adult women to me.

If I was out shopping I don't think I would either suggest or sanction the purchase of 'sexy' underwear for someone else's daughter.

12 is also quite different to say 15 or 16. Yes, your DD has reached puberty but she is at young end of the process of changing into a woman.

I don't think harm will come of having it or wearing it but if I am being honest, I did look at it and think I wouldn't like someone to buy that for my 12 year old daughter.

It's hard to know what to do about it - nothing and this issue may keep coming up or having a word and it blighting your future relationship with this woman, who, as you say seems nice.

VinoTime · 19/12/2015 23:58

Just how lacy are they, OP? Are they cotton with lace trims or all out lace panties?

From a personal POV, I don't wear lace things down below. I find it to be an incredibly uncomfortable material and it has always kind of baffled me how so many women wear them. Just the thought of them...yeesh. All that chafing and getting wedged up your butt - no thank you! Grin

I think for me, there's a line between what I would see as 'pretty' underwear and what I would see as 'sexy'. All out lace panties I would feel were too grown up and a little inappropriate for a 12 year old child. I think some lace trim however can look very pretty and is perhaps a gentler step towards slightly more 'grown up' undies for a girl heading into her teenage years.

I suspect SM and DD have just been having a lovely girly day out together and SM has treated her. I think the best thing to do, without raining on what has probably been a nice day for the two of them, is to say to DD to just keep them aside for really special occasions Smile

itsbetterthanabox · 20/12/2015 00:07

My very first bra at age 8 was lace. At 12 I picked my own underwear! Weird you are so concerned with her underwear. If she isn't uncomfy in it then it's fine.

itsbetterthanabox · 20/12/2015 00:11

Underwiring is more supportive. If she feels she wants support that's up to her. I have D cup breasts at that age. I wanted support.
Why is she only allowed to wear make up if she washes her face twice a day?