No sheets on beds bad mum?

[willywonka07]

Okay a little bit random here but me and my hubby had a bit of an argument over his SIL in which I said something negative to which he retaliated "Well your sisters just a gypsy letting her kids sleep on beds with no sheets!"
Later the dust settled, we apologised and all was fine but I asked him about this. He said in the heat of the moment it came out bad but yes he totally thought she was a bad mum.
Now we have 4 kids and my sister has 2. Neither of us could lay our heads knowing our kids were sleeping on a matress with no sheet or went to bed in clothes they were wearing alday not a chance. However I found myself making all these excuses for my sister. She works full time , husband isn't much help around the house, she is very disorganised etc but they have a lot of money and live in a really nice house ppl would be shocked to know this was going on behind closed doors. He said that if social services seen this they wouldn't be too pleased.
Now like I said we are entirely opposite to this mis matched pj's on my kids would give me palpatations but there is not a single doubt in my mind that she loves those kids so much and they don't want for anything, yet as this basic need doesn't seem to be met could she really be a bad mum. Thoughts and opinions please?

also just because you earna lot of money it doesn't mean you want to spend it on "throw away" sheets. This kind of behaviour is exactly why we have ended up with international trade which thinks nothing of exploiting workers in poor countries to enable us to keep up with the JOneses here in the west.

But we need OP to drip find out where the sheets are going!

It seems to be a more complicated story than "bad mum" with invisible partner failing to cope and children left to own devices. OP's mother is going round twice a week. If she doesn't make the beds, why not? And if she does, where do the sheets go?

YABU, Maryz!

It's very odd to me and definitely a hygiene issue, not to mention comfort. With no sheets, sweat, skin flakes, drool and who knows what else will be going straight into the mattress. And if the kids are often falling asleep in clothes, does that also mean they're not brushing their teeth before bedtime?
I would probably mention it to your sister, and if it is a case of her not having time to get laundry done, suggest a cleaner. Or at the very least, get her kids to make the beds themselves. They should have sheets.

MaryZ

I have a fever. I shall retire from this thread. I trust your judgement, if you say OP is being reasonable I believe you and sorry OP

I'm going to bed. I have a sheet on my bed, fleece blanket on top of it. I'll lie down then will wrap myself in fleece-duvet-fleece sandwich.
Look after the kitties. Merry Christmas to you

Cross-posted, willy :)

You sound a bit resentful about your mum but never mind that, for now.

It's a good idea to see how you can help. A joint blitz - and some talk time - with your sister could make all the difference.

@cleaty - we don't really do housekeeping. Though fortunately our rather lovely cleaner does. She keeps us just about the right side of chaos. I am sure we could do more domestic stuff, but there is always something we would rather be doing, either working, or doing stuff with DCs.

Maybe OPs sisters family gave other priorities. If the way they are living bothered them, they could afford to do something about it. I don't know many parents in real life, but some of those on mumsnet seem massively opinionated re how other people should organise their lives.

Ok mum. X

And it's goodnight from me too! Feel better, Zing. Enjoy your fleece sandwich. Wishing you reasonable dreams, Maryz, and a resolution to OP.
🌜

These Windoze emoji don't work too well on here ... that was a nice, smiley moon for us all.

willy, if there's a lot of dental decay and your mum is even cutting their nails, there's a lot wrong here.

I would talk to them about it. Btw my guess is that they don't want any paid help because they don't want people to see how they live? i'm not suggesting there's a correct way for people to live - there are several. But all of those include making sure the kids are properly looked after and it doesn't sound like that is happening.

Now there's a post that completely misses the point of the thread, bankerror Kids sleeping on clen comfortable beds has shit all to do with keeping up with the Joneses.

willy I'm glad that such an horrible argument with your DH has at least turned into a more positive discussion. Your sister and BIL need a kick up the arse. I think your mum is already in a difficult position because she's stuck between enabling and doing something to make sure the kids receive a basic level of care.

Zingdramaqueenofsheeba With reference to the mismatched pj's I'm not saying your a bad parent if they don't match what i'm trying to show is the parallel of my parenting style. I know that could seem ott so am I being over the top at thinking she is a bad parent for her housing conditions.I point out i'm a sahm not setting any boardrooms alight so our housekeeping is way different yet I think there are basic needs.
If you read the threads correctly mayb you'll get a better picture but your comments are just jumping one sentence you don't like the look of! Also just as an aside if wanting my kids to be in lovely matchin pj's going to bed is it really such an uptight thing? I love when kids are all washed bathed, story and bed. I like it to be a perfect end to possibly a really difficult challenging day but then I can sit down knowing everyone is tucked up comfy happy and sound asleep. I'm sure most Mums will testify to a certain sense of happiness felt like this.

I have a friend whose LO regularly sleeps on the mattress with a pillow and throw, it drives me up the wall. I personally couldn't sleep like that, it must be very uncomfortable and to me it shows a complete lack of consideration for the child.

As does sending them to bed in clothes they've worn all day. Does she bathe them and put them back in the clothes or not bathe them at all?

Whilst the 2 may not seem like big issues to some, they would make me wary of something more going on. Regardless of work responsibilities or a lazy DH I think these are things that can't be excused. I doubt she would sleep on a mattress in clothes she'd worn all day through choice.

if you forgot to put the sheets on once for one night, or stripped the bed in the night and had no dry, or the sheets did not dry, and you havd gone through extra set due to illness or something... understandable. as a regular occurance, not on.

thankyou ouryve some sense "keeping up with the joneses"??? have you ever. Oh I must have a shower 2 mro keep up with mrs jones in the office?!!! What planet are you on bankerror. Anyway thanks so much guys this post has got very long and many are getting tired, bored, lost or all 3!!lol Also the whole attacking thing i'm trying my best to do whats right for sis and kids at the end of the day she does the whole homework / xtra activities way better than me with kids so I sure aint perfect. Always room for improvement and way too much mummy guilt.

Earth

OP you mentioned drinking.

What you have described sounds like a household with a substance misuse issue.

Ss won't remove dcs for this but they will offer support and expect improvement

"Earth calling bankerror, earth calling bankerror"

So what do you sleep on, then bankerror? Breezeblocks? Nice to see that you have no problem with that terrible sign of wasteful affluence, the Internet, though. Or is your post really a clacks?

your sis is neglecting her childrens basic needs, clean bedding, clean clothes, falling asleep in clothes isnt right, maybe odd night for toddler, but not for school aged children and teeth decay etc

tho takes 2 to tango so both sis and bil are both to balen and even worse if they can afford it, but they just dont

so yes ss would be interested in something simple as no bed sheets, as its the start of a bigger picture

tho i understand the need for matching pj's and im always in matching underwear

Sorry lightbulbon what I mean is they're not drinkers that i'm aware of as if they drank much that would be an immediate red flag to me. soz my miscommunication.

So for these children

There is quite a bit of dental decay

They sleep on the mattresses without any sheets

Your mother is worried about them and the state of the house generally

Your husband is worried about them

They sleep in their clothes quite often

They have no bedtime routine

this is just sad.

Who gives a shit what SS would say. these children are your family. there is probably a reason your sister isn't dealing with this. But in reality her life is fine - she is working and married and has children. Her children's life is not fine. You need to talk to her.

I have a friend who skirts along the edge of this kind of thing. She and her husband are very high earners and they do have a housekeeper but I am nearly always shocked when I am in her house at the chaos/dirt/lack of routine/lack of basic comfort. But she is a fabulous mother, wonderful woman, her children - now all teens - are loved and minded. But the utter chaos in which they often live does affect them too (I know this because they live in the same small community as my sister). Honestly I think routine - knowing clean clothes, beds, baths, routines will always be available at home is incredibly important to most children and children who don't have this get stressed.

In other news, DAYS OF THE WEEK DRAWERS!!!!

Fuck me sideways, why didn't I think of that???? Thanks Ghost