No sheets on beds bad mum?

[willywonka07]

Okay a little bit random here but me and my hubby had a bit of an argument over his SIL in which I said something negative to which he retaliated "Well your sisters just a gypsy letting her kids sleep on beds with no sheets!"
Later the dust settled, we apologised and all was fine but I asked him about this. He said in the heat of the moment it came out bad but yes he totally thought she was a bad mum.
Now we have 4 kids and my sister has 2. Neither of us could lay our heads knowing our kids were sleeping on a matress with no sheet or went to bed in clothes they were wearing alday not a chance. However I found myself making all these excuses for my sister. She works full time , husband isn't much help around the house, she is very disorganised etc but they have a lot of money and live in a really nice house ppl would be shocked to know this was going on behind closed doors. He said that if social services seen this they wouldn't be too pleased.
Now like I said we are entirely opposite to this mis matched pj's on my kids would give me palpatations but there is not a single doubt in my mind that she loves those kids so much and they don't want for anything, yet as this basic need doesn't seem to be met could she really be a bad mum. Thoughts and opinions please?

As a child in the 40s I had no sheets on my bed in Winter and slept between blankets which were washed regularly and dried over the boiler in the airing cupboard! When my grandma found out she said to my Mum,"Now that looks like poverty and you're not that poor'! She bought me 3 sets of flannelette sheets which were still being used when I went to college 14 years later! I always had nice pyjamas and felt warm and cosy in my blanket bed.

There are still some people saying that a lack of sheets on a bed doesnt matter, and kids falling asleep in bed in their school uniform is fine. It is not.

If this is happening it is unlikely the DCs teeth are getting brushed. They don't have a bedtime routine so may never be getting read to. Doesny sound the case here but when children sleep overnight in their uniform, many then wear the same clothes to school which is unhygienic. And having sheets on the bed is such a basic thing that if this is not being provided, other basic care will be missing as well. That is why SS does actually take children having no sheets on the bed seriously and would investigate further.

What an adult does for themselves is irrelevant. Many adults live in conditions that are not suitable for children, but they are adults, so up to them.

"I often sleep in my clothes"

Me too, but I have to say it's usually after quite a bit of wine and the clothes get changed and washed in the morning

"and sometimes without sheets"

I wouldn't do this unless really, really desperate, but then I have developed quite a sensitivity to dust mites ...

my child sometimes sleeps in her unifrom. because im not risking waking her just to cause loads of stress. not having a story is not the end of the world. sometimes if she has fell sleep in her uniform her teeth wont get brushed. but they mostly do and she does them well in the morning and after her dinner. and she does not go to school in the uniform she went to sleep in she has a fresh one.

Have mentioned this to my lovely liovely aunt who is a children's social worker and is staying with us for a few days.she doubted that a social worker would have the time to get involved in a case of mildly sloppy housekeeping. The more useful thing she said was that different people have different ways of doing things.if the DC are getting up and washed and pitting on a fresh uniform each morning then it is very different to them being smelly and wearing the same uniform all week.

Maybe you and your husband could have a chat with your sister and offer help and support instead of bitching about her?

In the past human fleas were common. the last places they were known, in the 20th century I think, were in the tenements of Glasgow. you can't get human fleas unless you wear the same clothes, literally the same set, without bathing, for a few weeks. These conventions we have for taking clothes on and off at regular intervals have developed for a reason. I doubt that these children are at risk of human fleas of course (not least because how could they get them if they no longer exist?) - but these things we all do with sheets and PJs and baths and so on are, up to a point, just nicer and more comfortable than not doing them, and healthier.

What a refreshing post, Brioche

Meanwhile - OP, your idea about spending a week with your sister to flatten the chaos and talk her into LTB is lovely & definitely worth an offer.

I think there's more to it than idleness. If your sister was just idle and slovenly then I'd think it more likely that the sheets your mum put on were just left on and slept in until they were beyond filthy, rather than her actually go to the effort of stripping them.

Your mum seems in a good position to ask, if she does childcare and gets the children up in the morning. Find out if the sheets are being stripped and not replaced for any particular reason.

I don't know why we are all thinking of social workers as the arbiters of what matters. I hope I look after my kids a damn sight better than if they were taken into care (no disrespect to foster carers but really who thinks going into care is a great outcome?) what counts as decent everyday parenting has a much higher standard than "if I don't do this will my kids attract social services attention?"

Imagine if someone suggested you should maybe read to your kids and you said "I know loads of people who don't and haven't had their children put on the "at risk" register, so why should I?"

Different Social Services Departments have different trigger points at which they investigate.

"Find out if the sheets are being stripped and not replaced for any particular reason." yes, this is the bit I find confusing. Bedwetting for instance might make it really hard to keep on top of things. OP, did you say something about changing mattresses frequently? Might there be a bedwetting issue your sister is shy of talking about?

Even if there is frequent bedwetting, the family earn over £100k. They could afford to simply throw away sheets at times, and have lots of spare sets.

No sheets or duvet cover on a bed isn't exactly unusual in our house. It isn't a priority. Nor is it massively unusual for one or other of us to wear clothes to bed and shower in the morning. So far (4 DCs in) the sky hasn't fallen in. As long as we have clean clothes to wear, and plenty of hot water, we are not that fussed. But there again, we are not exactly domestic gods / goddesses.

You don't have to be a domestic goddess, it is very basic housekeeping.

Not reading thread.

You had me at "mismatched pjs would give me palpitations"

Do you want to be judged here or what? Is your DH a dick? Are you a bit precious? Have you offered her help yet?

Think what you like but do not call her a bad mum. Bed sheets are not everything. And who the fuck actually cares what pjs kids wear when they are asleep in the dark?
Unclutch your pearls before you get arthritis

I think that we are only getting one side of the story here. I would hope very much that if ss ever investigated me they would be able to see past lack of housekeeping. I would feel worried if I had palpitations about non matching pajamas.

HowBad but if something is so bad that it would attract SS concern, then in my mind I would be failing spectacularly at parenting. That doesn't mean that if I felt I passed that bare minimum I was doing well!

cleaty "Even if there is frequent bedwetting, the family earn over £100k. They could afford to simply throw away sheets at times, and have lots of spare sets".

throwing them away won't make a difference if the parents cba to put new clean ones on the beds, sadly.

The OP was being silly about the mismatched PJs. She was using it as an exaggerated example of her different standards. Please forget the mismatched pyjamas. There is a world of difference between no sheets, and a blue top with pink bottoms - and everyone knows this - including and especially the OP.

If its more frequent than once in a blue moon then yes, pretty lousy parenting! None of my business though

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I think the general consensus is that it's not on. I know that the kids get washed and a fresh uniform the mornings my mum comes up for sure. However I don't even know how much my mum covers now to be honest which is worrying me a little now. I know she loves those kids like her own and always puts them first way before mine etc and says "I do it for the sake of the kids" There is quiet a bit of dental decay and I know she cleans and cuts their nails however they are active outdoor boys and having 2 boys myself do know how dirty they can get.
Also there is certainly no intention of finding out what to do or not to avoid social service as surely it is a more overall picture. However the more I'm looking at this picture I can see I'm going to have to intervene. My husband says use what we would do as a benchmark if you wouldn't do it for our children it's not acceptable. I have done this and the answer is very clear. I am by no means a perfect parent but know I would never care for my kids like this so something major must be up. I really think I know a lot about their relationship, health, finance, drinking habits etc as we are close so I'm not worried about the mental health route and you are all right there are 2 ppl in that house and I think because my own role sahm I find it harder to see that he is equally to blame you know, which is my fault.