Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No sheets on beds bad mum?

278 replies

willywonka07 · 15/12/2015 20:06

Okay a little bit random here but me and my hubby had a bit of an argument over his SIL in which I said something negative to which he retaliated "Well your sisters just a gypsy letting her kids sleep on beds with no sheets!"
Later the dust settled, we apologised and all was fine but I asked him about this. He said in the heat of the moment it came out bad but yes he totally thought she was a bad mum.
Now we have 4 kids and my sister has 2. Neither of us could lay our heads knowing our kids were sleeping on a matress with no sheet or went to bed in clothes they were wearing alday not a chance. However I found myself making all these excuses for my sister. She works full time , husband isn't much help around the house, she is very disorganised etc but they have a lot of money and live in a really nice house ppl would be shocked to know this was going on behind closed doors. He said that if social services seen this they wouldn't be too pleased.
Now like I said we are entirely opposite to this mis matched pj's on my kids would give me palpatations but there is not a single doubt in my mind that she loves those kids so much and they don't want for anything, yet as this basic need doesn't seem to be met could she really be a bad mum. Thoughts and opinions please?

OP posts:
leaningtoweroflego · 16/12/2015 11:42

Playnicelyforfiveminutes that must have been awful for you Sad

Are your adult teeth OK?

cleaty · 16/12/2015 11:48

IME parents who are neglectful of basic needs, minimise the importance of them.

Enjolrass · 16/12/2015 11:51

Have I got this right?

The sister and her dh earn in excess of 100K, her mother is acting as housekeeper and nanny for free.

Basic care for the kids still isn't being met and the sister doesn't want to pay for a cleaner.

This is ridiculous.

And as for people saying 'op should help her sister'.....the OP has 4 kids of her own.

At what point does her sister and her feckless dh start taking responsibility for their own lives and kids?

x2boys · 16/12/2015 11:53

Tooth decay is not always an indicator of neglect ds2 had to have quite a few teeth removed due to decay but he has a rare chromosome disorder which can cause his teeth to be week he is also severly autistic and has learning disabillities, so i really struggle to clean his teeth he wont let me. I have a special tooth paste that doesnt foam up and a three headed special needs tooth brush and i still struggle we are trying to keep ,on top of it and he sees his special needs dentist every four months and they paint flouride on his teeth ,his back teeth are coming through now and they seem to be ok i think there is a difference betweeen a child with tooth decay where its because the parents dont give a shit and because of other reassons such as my sons.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 16/12/2015 11:54

Lego! That's such a thoughtful thought to have :) my teeth have had thousands and thousands of cosmetic and orthodontic (?) done because they stuck out (i think the phrase used in school was bucky o hare) Never had a hole in them though! I floss :)

Twinkie1 · 16/12/2015 11:59

It is one of the pointers when looking at neglect cases as is dirty uncut nails and dirty soiled clothing.

Keeping kids clean and in a warm safe environment is basic parenting.

Are their other pointers that you can think of that make you uneasy?

Enjoyingthepeace · 16/12/2015 12:07

I will never forget reading about the 7 children that died in that house fire a few years back. The father a day mother were arrested. It was a horrendous tragedy.

The detail that struck me particularly was that when the children were pulled out, around 3am, of the 7, only one was actually dressed in pjs. The rest had been sleeping in their jeans. It's a small detail but indicative of neglect.

LardLizard · 16/12/2015 12:12

Wow I'm shocked at the reactions on here

Yeah sure it's not great but really ss??.

x2boys · 16/12/2015 12:16

Maybe not ba enough for social services, Lard but a lot of what OP written about would concern social services if they came to be involved

x2boys · 16/12/2015 12:16

bad*

cleaty · 16/12/2015 12:20

As one person above said, our standards should be higher for children than "would SS become involved"?

GinIsTheBestChristmasSpirit · 16/12/2015 12:24

My kids often have no sheets on bed at random times as when turn my back and they take them off to make dens on the bunks HmmI put them back best as I can but its bloody hard when they are sleeping on bare mattress... I am tempted to glue the fuckers down tbh.

Matching pjs is rarely a thing here as kids get their own pjs on and anything goes...

Kaytee1987 · 16/12/2015 12:29

Haven't had time to read the whole thread so am probably repeating. I would say this is really bad, I'm assuming the kids aren't even brushing their teeth if they're falling asleep in dirty clothes, why are they allowed to sit up so late that they're falling asleep? Do theu shower in the morning and change into clean clothes at leaat for school? It sounds like your sister and her husband need some support and guidance.

shoeaddict83 · 16/12/2015 12:29

Op you said in a thread a while back that your Siser buys NEW mattresses every year for them - sop clearly money is not an issue!! The cost of ONE mattress would cover enough basic sheets to have a new one daily for weeks so how can money be anything to do with it?

So for a year she lets the kids sleep on dirty, soiled mattresses (sorry but sweat and being unclean as they obvs do not shower before bed from what you are saying/poss weeing the bed etc is ingrained in thoses mattresses for a year) then changes them and thinks this is ok?

Also why on earth cant she put sheets on when she puts duvet covers/pillow cases on or do they literally sleep on a mattress with an uncovered duvet too? Christ im sorry but if i allowed my Stepkids to sleep this way id be entirely understandable if my DP's ex refused to let them stay!!!

Fatherwishmas · 16/12/2015 12:31

Until recently my DD slept on top of her duvet in a sleeping bag, we are trying to teach her to sleep under her duvet "like a big girl", I never had bed sheets until we started this. Now I am worried what people might have thought!

When I was looking at bed sheets I saw that Asda and Amazon were the cheapest, maybe buy some bedding sets for Christmas? As a child I remember asking for clean bedding, maybe encourage them to do the same?

BloodyDogHairs · 16/12/2015 12:47

Some people might think I let my dc's sleep on the matress with no sheets.....I have bedwetters so the beds get stripped in the morning and I don't make the bed again until bedtime. I like to air the duvet and matress.

ricketytickety · 16/12/2015 12:47

Sounds like your mum already knows there is a problem as she is round there 3 times a week making sure they are washed and dressed for school.

What happens on the 2 days she is not there? Do they go to school in the uniform they wore the day before and slept in? If so, this is physical neglect. As is having no tea unless they get themselves cereal or your mum makes it.

Your mum is plugging some of the gaps but not all. Children take physical neglect as a sign they are not loved enough to be cared for properly. The older they get, the more they'll notice the difference. Teaching staff might notice too. Do they have their hairbrushed? Do they clean teeth in the morning? Decay suggests they don't. Your mum might do it 3 times a week but what about all the other days. It's def a worry. A sign your sis is not coping.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 16/12/2015 12:47

I don't believe that they fall asleep and get carried up to bed. They are aged 8 and 10! I wouldn't have been able to carry mine up the stairs, when they were that age.

I can't believe that you Op, haven't raised this with your sister. It is a sign of neglect. No sheets, not cleaning teeth, no bedtime routine, sleeping in uniform....it's just not right. They must look very crumpled when they go to school. I hope the other kids aren't laughing at them.

ricketytickety · 16/12/2015 12:51

You need bed sheets because you clean these to get rid of bed bugs and dust mites. Bed bugs bite and leave itchy spots that disturb sleep. Dust mites can aggrevate asthma. You can't clean a mattress regularly. Unless you hoover it. But it would still smell. As would the kids sleeping in the same pants they wore all day. Girls get itchy and sore and are more susceptible to water works infections. So actually it is not hygenic for lots of reasons. Also, rooms get mouldy if they're not cleaned properly and this can affect lung function.

ricketytickety · 16/12/2015 12:54

Yes fatherwish has a good idea - sheets and pjs for christmas!

Maryz · 16/12/2015 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brioche201 · 16/12/2015 13:06

If your mum is providing childcare at your DSis house, could she not boss the kids in stripping and remaking their own beds.At 8 and 10 if they work together they certainly are capable of doing it themselves. On school trips children this age are required to make up their own beds at the Outward bound centre they go to each year

Snowglobe1 · 16/12/2015 13:29

I think it's very odd. I'm not an immaculate housekeeper but everyone's bed is always made up and clean! It sounds like her whole lifestyle is a bit chaotic, not sure what can be done really. With her finances she could presumably afford a daily cleaner.

Snoopadoop · 16/12/2015 14:02

If your mum is providing childcare at your DSis house, could she not boss the kids in stripping and remaking their own beds.At 8 and 10 if they work together they certainly are capable of doing it themselves.

Actually that's a good point, stop them falling into the bad habits of their parents. I was at boarding school at 11 and changing my own bed so 8 and 10 year olds should be able to manage this.

Lightbulbon · 16/12/2015 14:05

Have you considered your sister may have aspergers?

Having non conformist ideas about hygiene and housekeeping is a sign. As is inability to organise at home tasks.