No sheets on beds bad mum?

[willywonka07]

Okay a little bit random here but me and my hubby had a bit of an argument over his SIL in which I said something negative to which he retaliated "Well your sisters just a gypsy letting her kids sleep on beds with no sheets!"
Later the dust settled, we apologised and all was fine but I asked him about this. He said in the heat of the moment it came out bad but yes he totally thought she was a bad mum.
Now we have 4 kids and my sister has 2. Neither of us could lay our heads knowing our kids were sleeping on a matress with no sheet or went to bed in clothes they were wearing alday not a chance. However I found myself making all these excuses for my sister. She works full time , husband isn't much help around the house, she is very disorganised etc but they have a lot of money and live in a really nice house ppl would be shocked to know this was going on behind closed doors. He said that if social services seen this they wouldn't be too pleased.
Now like I said we are entirely opposite to this mis matched pj's on my kids would give me palpatations but there is not a single doubt in my mind that she loves those kids so much and they don't want for anything, yet as this basic need doesn't seem to be met could she really be a bad mum. Thoughts and opinions please?

canyouforgive thanks for that post. Broken down it gives perspective and makes me question my role. By kinda knowing and not acting I do have to say I've been playing a part. But it is also good to read how you see your friend is still a good mother as I genuinely see this with my sis as difficult as that could be for others to comprehend. Just some ppl can't manage to get there shit together. I really think schools should do a lot more education on running a home, basic needs etc as it's often taken for granted everyone knows instinctively to do this or is brought up in a home that has( even though we have been)

well, willy, if you were brought up to know and your sister doesn't do it, would lessons make a difference? Schools have a huge burden already.

Please don't take offence but I wonder if your sister and BIL take drugs? There's an awful lot of well paid professions where a lot of that goes on.

Or, you might find there is no "reason" and they just aren't prioritising their kids. What do they say about the dental problems - I guess they just think "oh heck, we can pay the bills"? It really does seem like neglect - sorry, but it does.

You're right, OP, I like you I love to see my dcs go to bed and fall asleep in nice beds. It feels as good as if I were getting into a nice bed myself. It's a really lovely thing.

What is your mother's part in this? I realise that she helps, but has it occurred to her that she could play a leadership part in pointing out that things are jus not ok the way they are?

loreili9, reference to the tooth decay , the youngest had a few removed and few others filled she said he's a fussy eater and eats a lot of fruit which can rot teeth. I'd be annoyed myself but having said that few friends very particular like myself about eating and kids had these problems but I haven't had this issue with any of mine tbh. Also she is very strict with them not having phones, playing in street etc so she isn't like ah whatever it's just these things aren't prioritised. You see the worrying answer would be there is no reason? I know that she is able to tell me about a lot of things she watches on Netflix and I did question where the hell are they finding the time but then questioned myself cos maybe chill time hard days work need to wind down etc

thinking about this some more I think what the OP's sister is doing (I am not commenting on the father) is not prioritising her children. you don't have to be a martyr but I think children do like knowing that they rank high for their parents.

So my friend who is a complete slattern really - the thing is everything she does otherwise is for her children. She is utterly involved with them, cleans up the house so they can have parties, knows their friends, prioritises them

The OP's sister's family might be fine if that is how it works for them - they prioritise their children in other ways but without knowing that is sounds worrying

actually the tooth decay sounds worrying anyway.

Next time you see the children, why not ask them why there are no sheets on their beds? If you know your mum is helping out and putting sheets on, ask them why the sheets are off again and see what they say. At least then you'll find out if they're taking them off (and why). Could you have them over for a sleepover and chat to them casually about bedtime routines and get a sense of how often they have baths, brush their teeth etc.
Like you've said, when it's listed out, it seems even worse than the original post, with the dental issues etc.
It's difficult to confront someone, even close family, but something needs to change.

Howbadisthisplease..... exactly I love sleep, my bed, sinking into clean sheets aaahhh. Why not want this for your kids? Neway talking of sleep I think that's where I'm heading, clear head for a conversation with mum first then sis 2 mro! Many thanks everyone much appreciated!

willy, winding down is one thing - after you've taken care of your children, which they don't seem to be doing.

let us know what she says...I know it will be a hard chat to have but worth having I think.

yes Singaporeslinky something has to change! i'm just so scared of outcome like potentially she cpuld tell us to mind our own business n cut ties!? Mum would be broken hearted and worried sick about the kids. the only consolation is they are getting older mayb more self sufficient and awareness of whats right wrong.

If the children are loved and happy and fed I wouldn't be too worried - some families live in chaotic homes, not ideal maybe, and certainly not 'the norm' but not really neglectful. Sheets on beds at all times isn't the most important thing to some people and I can respect that. I'm a single parent, work ft, am disabled, don't have money for domestic help, so our house is pretty much always messy and needs cleaning. It would probably look chaotic to most of the people on this thread (beds always made up and pjs on though) but it is a loving home, everyone is ok. It is another matter if it is a sign the family isn't coping well, parents are depressed, children are struggling.

Morechocolates... thanks I can appreciate this and because I like everything in order I'm aware not everyone wants this and it's not a bad thing to take your foot of the brake sometimes, just not too long? Okay nights sleep everyone thanks night night.

What an adult does for themselves is irrelevant. Many adults live in conditions that are not suitable for children, but they are adults, so up to them

This is not compleatly true. One of the things being assesed is if there is a difference between how the children are treated and how the adults are. Beds can be a very good indicator in the differences in care.

If parents have a nicely decorated and furnished carpeted room with a nice made up bed in it and the room is clean but the child has a very sparsely furnished uncarpeted (or any flooring) dirty room with very differnt standards of bedding then you often have a much bigger problem than if both are much the same.

On a different note (not withstanding that this appears to be quite different because other things like dental decay are a problem. I once knew a family whose child never had sheets or duvet covers always slept in his day clothes, it was hard to get your head around it but that child had the cleanest bed I have ever seen and started each day immaculatly clean and well turned out.

He has sensory issues that meant he couldn't tollerate sheets or duvet covers or blankets and with them on the bed he just wouldn't sleep or he would get out and sleep on the floor. He also hated PJ's.

His parents replaced all his bedding twice a week and his matteress twice a month and I do mean brand new stuff (they tried washing it all but he couldn't cope with how it changed the feel).

They were able to stop replaceing the mattress so frequently when after an unexpected hospital stay as a teenager they discovered he liked hospital mattresses and they are steam cleanable. So now he gets a new one of those every year.

His day clothes were 7 identical track suits worn over thermals every morning he would have a bath have a fresh set of both and he would stay wearing them until the following morning as he couldn't tollerate getting into bed with fresh clothes.

All this talk had just reminded me of how privileged I was to have met that family

Willy - I have tried to help 2 relatives in different ways and in both cases I was verbally torn apart. They took me to be criticising when in fact my only thought was to be helpful. You are right to say that she could tell you where to go and that would cause even more worry for you and your mum. It is a very delicate situation.
Another idea is could you and your mum spend a day in the sister's house doing housework and show her what a tidy house looks and feels like. You could also claim to want to talk about "women's stuff" in the kitchen and while talking start cleaning up.
Be careful and very very tactful!

The tooth decay is very worrying.
Fruit does not do that to teeth unless you don't brush them.
If the kids are regularly falling asleep in their clothes I'd guess they don't have a bedtime routine, and therefore aren't brushing their teeth.

I have skimmed through this but can't see the ages of the 2 DCs. But surely the easiest thing is to get them to do stuff for themselves eg tooth brushing. and they can liaise with DGM regards Pjs for bed time. And possibly fitted bottom sheets or fitted mattress cover, then a cover. Not hard.

I had a disabled friend and carers came in to put Dd to bed etc. Which DD didn't like. I pointed out that in the past in the days before carers DD would be learning to do it herself, maybe with a bit of input from a friendly neighbour. This is the way they went.

Perhaps you could ask at the school for leaflets about tooth brushing for DCs. Give them a chat, no child wants to go to the dentist.

Something is not right but unless DCs are tots I think they can survive it ok. DGM can also buy fruit for DCs as diet seems poor.

You cannot change another adult. Lecturing or advising will prob cause a barrier between you.

Children have to be taught to do these things. If they are taught that teeth brushing is optional as are sheets and changing for bed, then I am not surprised they don't do it.

there could be a reason for the teeth thing other than not brushing. i dont know what its called but my son has something with his teeth and they need fillings really easy. dentist said you can have one child that have sweets everyday and their teeth are fine and another may have them once a week and their teeth decay. but of course it could be the other way and teeth are not even tempted to be looked after

By mum Brushed my teeth twice a day but aged 4 I Had no teeth at all, just black stumps. None of milk teeth fell out naturally, they just rotted away! My mum was educated and had me at 35. But she gave me -apple juice in a Bottle! So In my experience fruit can cause cavities

The odd night falling asleep in clothes is fine and very silly of the poster to imply social services should come.

No sheets on the bed constantly is not acceptable. Bed sheets are about £4 in Asda. Buy three, go without wine or takeaway that week. Make a rota for hoagie work and washing.

OP relax about the pyjamas and maybe help your sister.

they say giving juice is a bottle is one of the worse things to do. also would apple juice have sugar added to it.

Yeah, I looked a complete disgrace. In school photos the teachers asked me to smile with my mouth closed, because they were black, like the photos on cigarette packets to put you off. My mum doesn't want to admit fault of course so she claims the dentist advised juice in a bottle, but I doubt it somehow. Still, a child can have terrible teeth without being poor or neglected. Probably rare though

Haven't RTFT but just wanted to add that no sheets on the bed does not equate to a dirty bed. Settees carry much more bacteria than a mattress (Kim et Aggie; How Clean is Your House) but I doubt anyone washes these weekly. The matching pj's is ridiculous.

Disclaimer: I am OCD about changing sheets as my Mum never did mine.

No sheets on beds and sleeping in day clothes is neglect. Sheets are a basic need.
My house is a mess, sometimes it even gets to being a bit dirty. My ds has clean ironed uniform every day, clean matching pj's and a bath every second night and clean bedding. The house I let go sometimes. My ds basic needs, no.

Goingtobeawesome "Bed sheets are about £4 in Asda. Buy three, go without wine or takeaway that week."

The parents earn £100,000 plus! Money is not the issue.