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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No sheets on beds bad mum?

278 replies

willywonka07 · 15/12/2015 20:06

Okay a little bit random here but me and my hubby had a bit of an argument over his SIL in which I said something negative to which he retaliated "Well your sisters just a gypsy letting her kids sleep on beds with no sheets!"
Later the dust settled, we apologised and all was fine but I asked him about this. He said in the heat of the moment it came out bad but yes he totally thought she was a bad mum.
Now we have 4 kids and my sister has 2. Neither of us could lay our heads knowing our kids were sleeping on a matress with no sheet or went to bed in clothes they were wearing alday not a chance. However I found myself making all these excuses for my sister. She works full time , husband isn't much help around the house, she is very disorganised etc but they have a lot of money and live in a really nice house ppl would be shocked to know this was going on behind closed doors. He said that if social services seen this they wouldn't be too pleased.
Now like I said we are entirely opposite to this mis matched pj's on my kids would give me palpatations but there is not a single doubt in my mind that she loves those kids so much and they don't want for anything, yet as this basic need doesn't seem to be met could she really be a bad mum. Thoughts and opinions please?

OP posts:
Garlick · 15/12/2015 22:02

Ipsos, that's a brilliant idea! You're right, some things matter a whole lot more than baby massage classes.

I often sleep in my clothes and sometimes without sheets - I roll myself in the duvet. Lucky I'm neither a child nor a parent, I guess.

It sounds like this couple could use a housekeeper, to be honest. It would be a life-altering investment for them.

Do they pay your mum, OP? I feel this could be influencing the story.

frillybiscuits · 15/12/2015 22:02

I was left to change my own bedding from the age of 11. If I couldn't be arsed and was too tired then I would often sleep without sheets on the bed or covers on my duvet and would also often fall asleep in my school clothes by accident. Doesn't mean SS need to get involved

MisForMumNotMaid · 15/12/2015 22:05

Something would be good.

Would a few hours a week for several months be a possible approach though to establish propper routines?

Its going to take time to learn and practice the skills to get i to good routines.

You could work on one new activity each time like purchasing three sets of linen for each bed week one, change all the beds and wash week two plus order tooth brushes, brainstorm new house rules for bedtime routine week 3 etc.

CheesyNachos · 15/12/2015 22:06

Oh those plastic drawers are good. I have a set and have the top drawer for school jumpers, the second drawer for school shirts, the third for school bottoms, the fourth bottom drawer for school socks and PE kit.It makes it really easy. And I am not terribly organised in other things.

Original poster
willywonka07 · 15/12/2015 22:07

Also people who do not put kids to bed in matching pyjamas that is totally fine it's just a little quirk of mine mind you my knickers haven't matched my bra in years!!! Also kids will drag sheets of beds etc this is not the case here.Beds are made cos mum does it but it is kinda beyond me how they are stripped again so frequently so I may not know the full story hence I don't want to go so over the top. Yet I had them 3 times in my house sleeping over and no bedwetting sheet stripping. This has all come up over my husband and I arguing over who was comin for xmas drinks to our house xmas eve and his sisters latest boyfriend....whattt? He says he has been astounded by this going on for so long but even more so the fact that we as a family have been so accommodating in turning a blind eye and accepting it. Also I'm not too pleased at his accusationary finger but he says he's shocked at me of all ppl considering we pride ourselves on maintaining a high level of care for our kids. Like I'm sorry but how does me looking after my kids mean I am neglecting my own sisters?! Isn't it funny how arguments bring up all sorts ?

OP posts:
sugar21 · 15/12/2015 22:08

OP if the dc are going swimming and music lessons plus scouts, who is taking them if your sister is still at work,/ on her way home?
Can this person help the dc with changing into pjs and putting sheets on?

HowBadIsThisPlease · 15/12/2015 22:09

Slight derail - Garlick, how do you get no sheets on the bed? I can understand sleeping in the same sheets for weeks, but if you ever had any, and then you stripped the bed out of a sense of, I suppose, domestic responsibility - what happens that you only get so far and then just think "meh, sheets, not that important" - or what?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/12/2015 22:10

If she and her DH can hold down full time jobs that pays well, the problem isn't lack of intellectual capability. If you had a good normal upbringing then she knows what children need.

If they aren't willing to provide even the most basic care for their children that's a mental health problem not an organisation problem.

Could you help your sister to recognise that she (and her DH) need MH support?

HowBadIsThisPlease · 15/12/2015 22:11

"He says he has been astounded by this going on for so long but even more so the fact that we as a family have been so accommodating in turning a blind eye and accepting it. " I was just thinking about this the other day. I was thinking about how in English culture we tend not to speak directly with perhaps quite justified criticisms. I am learning things about myself at work the hard way that I wish someone had just told me years ago. When things don't work out for us we can often sense them not working, but making the leap to why they aren't can be tricky. It's terrifying but sometimes I think maybe we should be like my Chinese friend and just launch in there and say things to each other.

Twinklefuck · 15/12/2015 22:12

Don't blame you, I'm more frustrated with each update Hmm

Op if it were me who had let things slip I would appreciate my sister pulling me on it (as I would with her) and even more so help. I've recently cleared out all the outgrown clothes and toys and with two (albeit young) kids it's not easy and for days I had bags waiting on the landing to go to charity, a tool box in my en suite and tonnes of washing waiting to be put away with more on the go at the end of the bed. I would have loved my sister to come help (but she's 300 miles away so not likely). My point is she may need it pointing out, she may realise she's slipped and need a morning and evening checklist, we don't know. Just simply share what works for you and offer to help.

Garlick · 15/12/2015 22:12

Yeah, HowBad, that's exactly it! I have ME/CFS. Taking the bedding off can finish me for the day. [shrug]

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/12/2015 22:13

Op I do think a chat with your sister would be a good start.

My sister and I don't always get on but we are able to point thins out and take them on board.

If I was struggling I know for a fact she would point out things she would have no qualms saying ds teeth look dirty or asking where his sheets were and I would take it better from her as she's my sister.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 15/12/2015 22:16

Oh ok Garlick, thanks! (After the revolution you will have a many-bedroomed house in which you can stroll from room to room over days, changing sheets in stages to suit your powers on that day)

Garlick · 15/12/2015 22:17

Oh, I LOVE this plan, HowBad Xmas Grin

Bogeyface · 15/12/2015 22:19

When I had a malicious report to SS they came out to us, which I was happy with . He checked the kitchen, the fridge, the bathroom, the kids rooms. I asked on here and was told (by a working SW) that it was to check that all their basic needs were met, clean clothes, clean beds, regular food etc. So yes, it is an issue and yes you need to discuss it with your sister.

90sforever · 15/12/2015 22:23

I think a lot of posters are being really unfair. It's obvious this situation isn't the same as your children occasionally falling asleep downstairs and taking their own bedclothes off Hmm

It also seems obvious OP knows about the sleeping arrangements etc because it's her sister. People
Know lots about their immediate family.
And as for the posts about the racism- that was her DP- how does if help to berate her? He's not even here. It's not her fault he's racist.
And the loser sister husband comments- again, OP is Discussing her sister. What can she do about the loser husband?

Anyway, all that said, OP I would
Speak to your sister. Recently I watched a episode of how clean is your house from 2000 and the house was DISGUSTING and they had kids. And they'd just gone on TV! How times have changed. Those people still exist, you never know what goes on behind closed doors.
Maybe your sister is overwhelmed and needs support? Regardless of earnings she may not be able to afford a cleaner but you do need a huge amount of time to clear the decks and reorganise everything. Sounds like she's just going from day to day firefighting and not having a chance to organise. Or, she's feckless in which case she might be ashamed by your conversation and act

MammaTJ · 15/12/2015 22:28

All I know is that when I was reported to SS, they did check the beds and the bedding. They pulled the duvets back and looked at the (clean) sheets!

They also looked in the fridge and cupboards.

Garlick · 15/12/2015 22:29

It could be anything. Maybe they row every night and she's too frazzled to sort the kids out. Maybe the pair of them drink a lot in the evenings or do something slightly less legal. Maybe she's not physically coping with both career and crappy husband.

Whatever the ins & outs of it, there seems to be a chaos problem in the home and the mother is not fixing it. So, pending deeper issues getting resolved, I still recommend a housekeeper. Someone that comes in every day of the week, sorts out the house, does the shopping, arranges repairs and transport, and just generally 'does'. It'll cost quite a bit but, god, will they be glad they took the plunge!

Verbena37 · 15/12/2015 22:36

Does she never have sheets on the bed or have you only noticed when you're round on the odd occasion? What I mean is, perhaps someone has wet the bed or thrown up and they've not got the washing done in time etc. Could this have been one off instances? Or if you're round there staying, perhaps she realised she didn't have enough bed sheets for all guests and gave them to your kids overnight?

Perhaps she steam cleans the mattresses every week?

And my DS (ASD) either a) doesn't wear any PJs, b) wears mismatched ones or c) won't remove the top he had on in the daytime because it's warm and soft so wears it that night and puts it in wash bin next day. Nothing odd about that really and no biggy unless they're in the same dirty clothes day in day out.

Crazybaglady · 15/12/2015 22:37

Is this no sheets ever? I haven't got a tumble dryer so if my DS sheets havent fully dried i would chuck a large feece blanket over the matress... Or is that cause for concern? DS also hates jammies... Will spend the evening in a onesie but sleeps starkers! (He is 6)

leaningtoweroflego · 15/12/2015 22:37

"Do you think it would be offensive to suggest that she takes a weeks holiday off work and I would help her sort and tidy to get on track."

My house is in utter chaos (DCs do have sheets and PJs! But the place is a huge mess more often than not).

I would love my sister or a friend to suggest we spend a week tackling it together. If you can suggest it in a totally non-judgemental way, then why not. Spending some time with her could be a good idea anyway to see if there is anything else going on that she could do with your support over.

Zippidydoodah · 15/12/2015 22:37

Oh god, I worry that my kids' lives are a bit chaotic ..... But they do have clean sheets and pjs!

Willy- I agree that perhaps you should try and go in and support your sister. My chaotic tendencies are depression related; I gave no energy to do household stuff sometimes, and just feel so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start, so I don't start anywhere! By going out to work all day, they are probably turning a blind eye to what needs doing at home, maybe because they're overwhelmed by it all and struggling to manage.

DN4GeekinDerby · 15/12/2015 22:41

willywonka07 - If your mum is making the beds as you said then you or your mum could ask why they're being stripped so quickly either to your sister or the kids directly. Maybe her kids are rough sleepers or maybe it is something else, but neither making excuses nor throwing accusations about the parent is going to help when you could get answers. I personally have a rough sleeper who destroys her bed so anyone who came in in the morning would think we gave her nothing on her bed when really I struggle to keep it in shape regularly.

Personally, I'd have far more of a talk with my partner about his thinking if he thought bringing up unrelated family business or insulting multiple ethnic groups with such language was considered okay enough to do even in the middle of an argument. I would have ended any argument there if the person I was talking with was going to be that thoughtless.

Ipsos - I think a prioritized book like you describe would help many parents :)

Gwenhwyfar · 15/12/2015 22:41

"The clothes I'd chill about but no sheets on the beds is disgusting"

Exactly. Not hygienic to sleep on beds without a sheet on the mattress, but I don't see the problem with sleeping in clothes as long as you change in the morning.

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/12/2015 22:43

That's what I was trying to establish whether it's one of those things you e witnessed once or twice and jumped to conclusions or whether you're certain that it's the norm.

Like my dsis insists that brother lives in tinned food and to be fair he probably does but in reality she only visits twice a year.