No sheets on beds bad mum?

[willywonka07]

Okay a little bit random here but me and my hubby had a bit of an argument over his SIL in which I said something negative to which he retaliated "Well your sisters just a gypsy letting her kids sleep on beds with no sheets!"
Later the dust settled, we apologised and all was fine but I asked him about this. He said in the heat of the moment it came out bad but yes he totally thought she was a bad mum.
Now we have 4 kids and my sister has 2. Neither of us could lay our heads knowing our kids were sleeping on a matress with no sheet or went to bed in clothes they were wearing alday not a chance. However I found myself making all these excuses for my sister. She works full time , husband isn't much help around the house, she is very disorganised etc but they have a lot of money and live in a really nice house ppl would be shocked to know this was going on behind closed doors. He said that if social services seen this they wouldn't be too pleased.
Now like I said we are entirely opposite to this mis matched pj's on my kids would give me palpatations but there is not a single doubt in my mind that she loves those kids so much and they don't want for anything, yet as this basic need doesn't seem to be met could she really be a bad mum. Thoughts and opinions please?

She needs someone to step in and point out she needs to get on top of it. My dc are 1&3 and I struggle to stay on top of housework at times but a bath every other night (every night if they need it), brushed teeth, clean clothes and not necessarily matching clean pjs and for sure sheet on the bed is bare minimum.

As for sleeping in uniforms, I take it their wind down routine is non existent and when do they brush teeth? 8 & 10 they should be taking control and changing and making sure they do what they need before bed. I'm not one to bash fellow mums but if I was doing this I would appreciate concerns being spoken about to me so I could snap out of it!

At least your mum is offering some support op which is great for the children.

Maybe it would help if you and your mum approached the subject with them together?

The thing is, if they aren't wanting for money, then they need to pour some money into the problem. Spare sheets. A tumble dryer. Plenty of spare jammies and so on. You still have just as much to wash, but it creates more of a buffer if you get behind on the laundry, or the washer develops problems.

Like a poster upthread, I don't change the kids' sheets weekly, but, barring emergencies, I never take sheets off without having some more to put on.

How are the rest of your your Dsis's domestic skills? (I'm gathering your BIL's are pretty much un-exercised, if there at all, from what you've said already) Fresh food in the fridge? Well stocked kitchen cupboards? Is the house reasonably clean? Basically, if the kids felt hungry, could they make themselves a slice of toast?

Well, they've clearly made the choice to be on the ball at work. Sounds like they blatantly can't be bothered at home. Those poor children.

... THEY [the parents] need someone to step in and point ou that they [the parents] need to get on top of it. The sis is not a lone parent here responsible for everything. The OP said dismissively that the husband is useless around the house. That is no fucking excuse.

Two, intelligent, solvent parents. They need to get it sorted.

If they're well off why doesnt sister in law get a clearner then?

I think its bloody awful that the kids dont have sheets on their beds.

and the title of the thread is blahblah blah 'bad mum'.

Not bad mum. Bad parenting by two parents.

[head desk]

Still if the OP is actually talking about her sister then it is bad mum.

There are basic minimums and a decent bed is one of them. It's one thing if you have no money for sheets. It's neglect if you can't spend ten seconds putting one on imv.

I would get more worked up over your H using 'gypsy' pejoratively tbh!

Surely if OPs Mum goes in to do housework she would put sheets on beds?

So your mother basically attends to most of the caring needs of the DC? If your mum is there a lot of the time tidying and cleaning, why wouldn't she have made the beds?

Not very sure how they can all be super-smart if they roll out of bed in their uniform, and the house is so disorganised that washing bed linen and remaking beds is such an unachievable task with 8 & 10 year olds and two parents.

It sounds unusual, but as you haven't worried about it before now and there is other family support then it's probably not as bad as it first sounds.

But being high earners and working 40+ hours a week is not really an excuse for not having clean sheets. However perhaps your standards are just very very different to hers, so a once-off or whatever, combined with messy kids rooms, is sounding worse than it is. Impossible to tell from behind a screen.

This thread gives me such a great idea for a parenting book. Instead of all these "expert" books that tell us to do a thousand things and make us feel guilty all the time, maybe someone could write the book "List of things Social Services care about". That way, people who are a bit stressed would know which things actually matter and could stop worrying about whether they are doing their baby-led weaning, baby yoga, and baby swimming lessons properly.

It would be like:

Sheets on bed and pjs (hygiene)
Regular healthy meals
regular washing (minimum and maximum frequency suggested)
bedtime routine
regular outside play
tooth brushing etc...

Wouldn't that be the most fantastic thing for worried first-time Mums?

this is a bit like a reverse benefits street isn't it? we have blatant racism neglected kids and big screen tvs incidentally my two year old is in bed dressed in his joggers and t shirt because he refused to get into his pajamas he still has clean sheets on his bed and he will be washed and changed in the morning at his age and with his piss poor sleep history i would rather he slept if i miss his "window" he is up screaming for hours however when he gets older i would consider this unacceptable he will be old enough to understand wash/teeth/pajamas bed

I tend to agree with your husband. She might not be a "bad" mother but if she can't cope with laundry, what else is being neglected?

I change the sheets every Saturday morning without fail and have for the past 25 years. If I'm going on holiday or on a business trip I change them before I leave the house -- can't recall the last time I came home to unwashed sheets. It is simply not that difficult to establish basic routines for household cleanliness and at the age her kids are they could be taking over some of it.

When I was younger than those children are, my mom made a game of cleaning, we all had our 'cleaning lady names' and would tie on kerchiefs and help her with basic chores. My dad cleaned a lot too. They were not fanatics but our house was very small and needed to be kept after. They showed us that cleaning was not something negative or punitive but rather a way to create a pleasant home, to have lovely nice fresh sheets to sink into, a shiny tub to bathe in, etc. I feel sad for those children if their parents can't even muster the minor self-discipline required to keep them in clean bedding, towels and clothing.

Well in that case it sounds as though your sister and her husband have their priorities wrong.

Could you approach your sister about some of the issues?

They need the basics which is a made bed, brush teeth and clothes off for bed.

so:
no washing/bath/shower/washed faces before bed
no bedtime routine, cuddles, bedtime story, etc
no teeth cleaning
no getting ready for bed, regular time, and being put into their bed/bedroom
no pyjamas
no clean uniform ready for the morning
no sheets on bed, so bed dirty (sorry, but you can't stick the mattress in the wash)
no washing being done in the house, so presumably dirty sheets and clothes piling up

OP - this is why it is a concern. The lack of sheets isn't just 'a bit chaotic' it does show quite a deep lack of priorities where her children are concerned.

Yes everyone your right I say bad Mum but there is a husband although he isn't domesticated, is no help maybe creates more mess.Not an excuse as I would not stand for this from my husband! Well yes they aren't up on the whole clean/tidying schedule either. Food wise she comes home 7 ish and they do tend to eat takeaways a lot or on occasion kids just cereal in the evening but again my mum has stepped in by making them tea 3 nights a week for kids sake. They have a lot of xtra curricular activities.
To the person about bragging about their big house and mod cons.... I am ashamed of this situation and would die if anyone knew. I was not brought up like this nor was her husband....we don't know were this has come from? The cleaner has been suggested so other than Mum helping as much as she can we can't do anything and as the kids are getting older hopefully less of a problem.

Not at all suspicious of this thread with gypsies, big TVs, swanky bungalows, gossiping about messy rooms

SS do note it as a concern.

My ex SIL never has sheets or duvet covers on the beds. It makes the bedrooms look so neglected.

It's not hard to wash a few sheets. I think you should have a chat with her. Her husband also needs his arse kicking in to gear.

Who takes the dc to their extra curricular activities in their school uniforms OP?

we dont really know the situation. for all we know she might let the kids fall sleep on the sofa because other wise they play up and shes up and down 15 times every half hour. and we dont know how early they fall to sleep.

Do people really worry about mismatched pyjamas ?

I'd hate to think what people thought of my 9 year old sleeping naked as he gets very hot at night and he says they feel restrictive.
Even when I've put him to bed in 'mismatched pyjamas' by the time I check on him they are flung on the floor as he really does get hot at night.

DP comes from a really abusive, poor background...and he did end up in care as an older teen.
When I first met him he slept with no sheets - he didn't even own any. He would make a nest in the duvet - I gave him one of my old duvet covers... Even after living together for 15 yrs I have to have stretchy things to keep the sheets fastened in place otherwise every morning the sheets are off on his side (and that includes the mattress protectors etc) -I think because he grew up not having any - and he wouldn't care. When I've forgotten to make the bed he has got in (no sheets or pillow cases/duvet cover) - says he can't see the fuss. (I went mad). He also used to sleep in his clothes and he still does sometimes (again something I'm not happy about) .
He didn't have the concept of a bedtime routine for the DCs ...i
Left to his own devices the DCs wouldn't have sheet or pjs ...
But your Dsis has been taught better - she knows better ..she must because you do.
I would say that the no sheets was a tiny part of DPs abuse and neglect but I would say it is an indicator of a lack of care.
My DCs always have sheets on the beds and sleep in PJs -except the 8yo recently. After bed time traumas -with lots of messing around meaning a couple of times she wasn't getting to sleep to gone 10pm - I changed to where I send her up to bed on her own (do give her a kiss and cuddle before). She does her teeth and puts her pjs on - and it works much better...except for a while she got into the habit of getting in to bed fully dressed (thankfully has stopped now). If she did I strip her off (at least her bottom half) and put pjs on her whilst she asleep...then told her not to do it in the morning -and send her up to bed with a strict put your pjs on, brush your teeth (and get into your own bed -still gets in ours sometimes . I can just about still carry her...but more often than not sleepmarch her into hers) .
I feel bad about not putting her to bed - but this is working much better and the no pjs, my bed etc I take as a sign of trying to force me to put her to bed again - which I did try again - fine for a few nights but then slips back into the messing about...and bed time starts getting later and later ...