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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No sheets on beds bad mum?

278 replies

willywonka07 · 15/12/2015 20:06

Okay a little bit random here but me and my hubby had a bit of an argument over his SIL in which I said something negative to which he retaliated "Well your sisters just a gypsy letting her kids sleep on beds with no sheets!"
Later the dust settled, we apologised and all was fine but I asked him about this. He said in the heat of the moment it came out bad but yes he totally thought she was a bad mum.
Now we have 4 kids and my sister has 2. Neither of us could lay our heads knowing our kids were sleeping on a matress with no sheet or went to bed in clothes they were wearing alday not a chance. However I found myself making all these excuses for my sister. She works full time , husband isn't much help around the house, she is very disorganised etc but they have a lot of money and live in a really nice house ppl would be shocked to know this was going on behind closed doors. He said that if social services seen this they wouldn't be too pleased.
Now like I said we are entirely opposite to this mis matched pj's on my kids would give me palpatations but there is not a single doubt in my mind that she loves those kids so much and they don't want for anything, yet as this basic need doesn't seem to be met could she really be a bad mum. Thoughts and opinions please?

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/12/2015 21:33

How is your relationship with your sister? Maybe you and your mum together can stage a gentle (gentle because it is more likely to be effective) intervention?

ghostspirit · 15/12/2015 21:35

when i had ss ages ago they did bring up at confrence that i had no sheets on the bed... but they failed to ask why. ie i washed them every day so they would be stripped of every morning. in washing machine and dryed for the evening. but no one bothered to ask just made assumptions.... we did not have much bedding at the time but who cares as long as it was clean.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/12/2015 21:35

unlucky your poor DH. That is a very interesting post.

Twinklefuck · 15/12/2015 21:35

cheesy SHE needs told by her SISTER. Going from what I said I would want if you bothered to read my full post.

Original poster
willywonka07 · 15/12/2015 21:36

Yes it is a bit of a miracle considering they forget their school books etc but they are both top end of class and musical instruments higher achievers than my kids academically etc. Honestly it's just all a worry now. My four range from 2-10 and one is in their cousins class and he said once his cousin had lots of wax in his ear. This really annoyed me and I mentioned to my sis who said oh he gets very waxy ears. So I just thought well maybe he does who am I to intervene and I use cotton buds against doctors recommendation as apparently your not meant to on kids!! My parent fail but eughh hate wax.

OP posts:
Ickythumpsmum · 15/12/2015 21:37

Social services must be on their way round here. Two DS, both have rolled their sheets into a ball at the bottom of their beds, one is wearing the same t shirt he wore to school as he was exhausted and decided to have a shower in the morning, and the other has taken his pj bottoms off and is sleeping in his nappy.
They do have pjs and sheets though - they just aren't keen on them.

CheesyNachos · 15/12/2015 21:37

No, what I am saying is that everyone is focusing on her. I was echoing your very valid words to apply to them.

It may have not come across the way i meant.

findingmyfeet12 · 15/12/2015 21:39

I think op is describing a different situation to opeople who provide bedding which their dc then remove. It's obviously more than that if her dm has also been upset about it.

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/12/2015 21:40

Unlucky that's so sad we take for granted basic things but if you haven't grown up with it...

Fantasy my ds sleeps naked he's got loads of pjs but is more comfy naked. I have persuaded him to wear at least pyjama shorts now he's getting older as he'd forget and go and eat his breakfast naked.

You're really not supposed to stick cotton buds in your ears.

Adelecarberry87 · 15/12/2015 21:46

My 7 year is a buggar at climbing into his sheets and pulling them off dispite me putting them on does that make me a bad mom? I think this is abit silly

Baconyum · 15/12/2015 21:46

Cereal for dinner?! I'm now very concerned that these children are being very neglected. Especially as this is just what OP knows about. What's going on that OP and the gran DON'T KNOW about?!

DixieNormas · 15/12/2015 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklefuck · 15/12/2015 21:48

I get you now, I read your comment with a sarcastic tone Grin

findingmyfeet12 · 15/12/2015 21:48

Not sure why people are insisting on giving examples of children who are offered bedding and refuse it or who have pyjamas and remove them as being similar to the scenario that the op has described Hmm

Dowser · 15/12/2015 21:49

Very strange.
It was one way of showing my love for my kids with nice pjs , nice bedding , duvets matched their decor etc and I always bought good quality beds and mattresses so I don't understand it when there's no sense of lack in their household.

All of our beds had waterproofs on the mattresses so if there was an accident wee or vomit no one was sleeping on a smelly bed.

That was the bottom line. I can't get my head round anything less than that.

As much as they are loved, they should have that extra bit of caring.

I feel like your mum is trying to hold back the tide. Like the little Dutch boy . Whatever she does it will never be enough because your mum is just spreading herself too thin.

If she is doing as much as you say then your sister needs a housekeeper to do those basics and your mum can enjoy her time with the kids. As can your sister.

Original poster
willywonka07 · 15/12/2015 21:50

xtra curricular after school so music, swimming, scouts etc. So it's not always uniform but sometimes clothes they've changed into you know. Pyjamarama I don't get your suspicions what do you mean?
Heres the thing she has bought new matresses once a year so either they get in a state or she is attempting to clean up her act you know? I know sheets everyday would just be less hassle expense etc. Anyway ppl are getting judgey but have you watched those tv programme hoarders and the way ppl live I think if we all looked behind closed doors we could be surprised. Also once she made a remark about me treating my kids like minions because I make them get uniforms off straight away in2 house or outdoor clothes and put bags lunch boxes away etc straight away but I explained I have to with 4 kids if I didn't my standards would be awful wouldn't have uniforms washed dried in time etc. Also I have a nice but modest home and income, I am noway jealous just confused to their priorities and concerned for her.Also when sickness hits our house the shit hits the fan and I feel so out of depth with the amassed washing , mess etc so she must feel so overwhelmed!
she is a good sister,daughter and mother in other ways honest. Do you think it would be offensive to suggest that she takes a weeks holiday off work and I would help her sort and tidy to get on track. I know part of the problem is she doesn't have systems or routine in place. Also kids wardrobes old clothes that don't fit anymore making it difficult to find things etc I like tidying n cleaning so I could say sure I love it we could do it together or would this be so out of line?

OP posts:
ghostspirit · 15/12/2015 21:53

i think i have done most of the things on this thread...

hope no one knows me in RL on here. might get ss on my door step...

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 15/12/2015 21:54

If kids regularly fall asleep in their uniform and subsequently end up sleeping in it, then surely the thing to do is to get them to change into clean Jammies BEFORE they get to that stage?!

Letting this happen is just idle, as is not having clean sheets on the bed.

findingmyfeet12 · 15/12/2015 21:55

That sounds like a good idea op.

CheesyNachos · 15/12/2015 21:56

sorry twinkle I wrote it in a sort of frustrated tone, but not against you, if you see what I mean. Sort of carrying on from the convo and being frustrated in a general scattergun way.

Usually I try and not post before re-reading. [rolls eyes at myself]

HowBadIsThisPlease · 15/12/2015 21:57

I think someone needs to have a word with your sister because it isn't fair to the children to not have nice beds and not to have a bedtime routine. When they are older they might feel really weird about it. Even now I really don't like the idea of children regularly falling into a grubby bed with no adult nurturing time. I think the lack of chats and cuddles and stories is even more upsetting than the no sheets, and that's extreme from someone like me who loves a comfy bed.

Does your sister have sheets and a nice bedroom, for herself?

The children are old enough to help and in fact they're being let down by not learning to do basic housework, normal practical things that make them comfortable in the home.

If they have no visible sheets then you don't know why - are they all in a dirty laundry pile somewhere? Are there none in the house? Are they all clean in a cupboard? - maybe just buy some nice duvet sets as presents, with designs or characters that the dcs will like, and then you can offer to put them on - "shall I help you put them on the bed right now?" and then you (or your mum) can talk to your sister about their beds, their bedtime routine etc and can be something you can approach in terms of helping the dcs to get involved and see it as a normal thing.

I would be horrified to see that, to be honest, and I am not super particular about domestic stuff. There is a lot of stuff you can not bother with, before you get to that.

steppemum · 15/12/2015 21:59

by the way, really no-one cares about mis-matched pjs or bedding, and no it isn't necessary to have spotless bedding changed once a week, and the bedding doesn't have to match the decor either.
It is about bedding and pjs or any sort being available.

What you are describing is different

ghostspirit · 15/12/2015 22:00

wonka you know them plastic drawer sets you can get. i know someone who has them and on each drawer in mon-friday and in each draw is a school uniform for that day plus anything needed for that day. ie swimming stuff/pe kit. so its all set up for the monday to friday... im gonna do this :)

could you go on a shopping trip with your sister in a sister bounding sort of way and get her to buy some bedding.

maybe help her set up some sort of roater?

HowBadIsThisPlease · 15/12/2015 22:00

"have you watched those tv programme hoarders and the way ppl live I think if we all looked behind closed doors we could be surprised."

I agree with this, actually.

I have no idea how she would take it if you made the very kind offer of helping her get under control. It is something to approach carefully, she may take it well or she may take it badly, but someone has to say something, if not you then who?

If you are sisters, then did you grow up together? What was your home life as children? Did you both have sheets and PJs etc? (I imagine so as you seem to take this as standard) - so can you appeal to shared memories, talk about "remember when Mum used to put our PJs on the radiator in winter..." or something and talk about how things should be for her dcs? And make it clear you mean it kindly and want to help?

Anomaly · 15/12/2015 22:01

If you're going to intervene please include Dad too its his responsibility as well as your sisters.