Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where do you stand on this one...

419 replies

Marilynsbigsister · 15/12/2015 17:13

I'm not going to NC but will be slightly oblique about circumstances as quite identifying . Two very young 20 yr olds in a relationship. Been together 3 months. Male at Uni but lives at home, female working also living at home. The boy has mentioned to his parents (actually his mum mostly) that cracks are starting to appear because she is keen to move on to the next level and is putting the pressure on to get a flat together and 'settle down'. Boy has told her 'definitely not at the moment' his plans include post graduate study abroad for a couple of years . Anyway, the dilemma.. 2 days after the 'settle down' conversation, there was a contraception failure. Condom split, (apparently it was not just a small tear but from top all way to base. ) Boy has been taught from early on that he must be responsible for his own fertility and insisted on condoms as he is adamant he doesn't want children yet although gf is on the pill. Boy is now beside himself with worry, he begged his gf to go with him to get morning after pill. Gf reaction has been to refuse saying that if she gets pregnant against all these odds then it is meant to be . Boy is the sort to do the right thing. Would give up career goals of he had children to support. I know all the ins and outs because mum is close relative. Mum believes gf is manipulating her son into parenthood because this happened literally a couple of days after discussing settling down. What is the right thing to do if she is pregnant. ? Does he give up his plans and support a child he does not wish to have, took precautions to avoid and made his feelings very clear BEFORE conception. Or does he suck it up, leave Uni and get a job to support the child and learn never again have sex with someone he doesn't want to have a child with. ? For my part I have met the gf a few times so not enough to form an opinion except that she is much more mature than her boyfriend. (My relative is livid and truly believes she 'doctored the condoms - which would be impossible - she is too angry to be logical !)
BTW she was due AF on Monday. Apparently there are pts that are accurate to a few days late so all a bit tense in female relatives household at the moment.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/12/2015 19:30

When you have sex with someone there is always the possibility of pregnancy, a point he should have considered before he had sex with someone he was unsure off.

If a baby is the result of the mutual, consensual sex then he needs to be a responsible parent.

This thread is utterly depressing.

AyeAmarok · 15/12/2015 19:31

We are talking about a situation where it is known that there was a contraception failure, and the MAP was a perfectly valid option.

I think you are slightly overlooking the potential side effects of the MAP. Some people react very badly to it. It can mess up your cycle for months, cause month-long bleeds, terrible stomach pains, etc.

If I'd been taking the pill religiously and I was INSTRUCTED, by a boyfriend of 3 months, to take the MAP I'd probably say no too. Because there'd most likely be no need for it. And I'd rather not feel like shit unnecessarily.

She's being painted as the evil manipulating pregnancy trapper and him the poor naive little mummy's boy who did everything to protect himself. Come on, now. Don't be so gullible.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/12/2015 19:33

Thats right Osolea, women get more say in whether a pregnancy proceeds.

That's because the woman carries the baby, gives birth to the baby and takes a massive financial hit after the child is born.

Hurr1cane · 15/12/2015 19:37

I know what the MAP does and personally I couldn't go through with it. That's what it is TO ME. It doesn't mean I would judge anyone else for using it. Or for viewing it differently. But I don't think anyone else shouldn be forced to take it.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/12/2015 19:38

Gee Aye she has a peachy choice doesn't she.

Pumps her body full of chemicals or bear sole responsibility for any subsequent pregnancy.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2015 19:39

I think he should proceed with his career plans. The gf has decided not to take the morning after pill. Her choice. If the law says he must pay maintenance then of course he will have to. But I think the relationship is doomed as she is obviously far more keen on making it a long term one than he is. It sounds a very one sided relationship and he is very young and he'd be better off finishing it now. It's not unlikely the scenario will be repeated even if she isn't pregnant this time.

Osolea · 15/12/2015 19:39

You might not want to feel like shit unneccesarily, but that's not more important than someone else's right not to be a parent unnecessarily.

I realise that the options for women who have contraception failure aren't very nice, but as has been said, that's biology, there's nothing that can be done about it. We could do something about the shameful double standards that can see people unwillingly forced into being parents while others can choose whatever they want without even being expected to pay for it.

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 15/12/2015 19:40

He needs to dump her. She's probably not pregnant, but even if she is he should still do it. The child would be a separate matter and he should support it in any way he can. But staying together for the baby wouldn't work. He'd end up miserable resenting her, she would know deep down he didn't really love her and would spend her life on edge; maybe getting bitter. It wouldn't work.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2015 19:41

They would have to be terribly unlucky to have the pill fail at the same time as a condom failed.

Hurr1cane · 15/12/2015 19:42

Oh also I took the MAP once, against my beliefs, when there was little to no risk because I was on the pill when the condom split, because the man I was seeing was highly anxious and I didn't want to send him into any sort of breakdown.

Subsequently I was very very poorly.

AyeAmarok · 15/12/2015 19:45

This thread is utterly depressing.

Isn't it. I'm actually flabbergasted. I feel like I'm reading a thread in a parallel universe full of men

LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/12/2015 19:48

Women get to choose because they are the ones who become pregnant, with all that entails. Everyone understands that, right? They're not the lucky ones, they're the ones who have to go through the pregnancy, birth etc.

RaspberryOverload · 15/12/2015 19:50

I do agree the boy needs to finish the relationship now. He needs to make it very clear to the girl that he has no plans for a future with her. It's possible once she sees he won't be trapped into staying with her because of a child she may change her stance on it? He needs to make it clear if there is a child involved his involvement will be with child and not her.

I agree with this.

I think the relationship should end now. If cracks are showing this early, then the relationship never had any longevity about it. And if this pregnancy was a hoax to push the lad into committing to her, the GF may well keep trying until a pregnancy is a reality.

The pregnancy is another matter. I think the young man should continue with his studies, because that will be the best way long term to offer proper support to a child, as clearly he'll have better prospects this way.

The relationship and the possibility of a child are actually two separate issues; it is possible to support the child while not being in a relationship with the child's mother, plenty of people do this, and the young man needs to see that committing to the GF is not inevitable should she be pregnant.

hefzi · 15/12/2015 19:53

I genuinely don't get the whole "crisis of conscience" thing with the MAP Confused Taking hormonal contraception prevents fertilisation/release of egg/implantation of fertilised egg etc So does the MAP. It does not work if you are already pregnant - it's just a mondo dose of contraceptive that works in a similar way to the ones you take daily.

I get that it can make you feel shit and mess up your cycle - but I'm with Osolea that it's a bigger deal to force someone into parenthood than it is for you to feel crap - especially when it's another form of the same contraceptive method you are using already.

IonaNE · 15/12/2015 19:54

I hope for his sake that she isn't pregnant. I agree with those who said there are a few suspicious "coincidences" in all this.

There are positives, too: 1. that he has confided in his mother; and that he has decided to dump her as soon as there is a negative test.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/12/2015 19:59
Preminstreltension · 15/12/2015 19:59

I don't agree that it's depressing. Nobody, man or woman, ought to be forced into relationships they don't want to be in, particularly after three months. A child needs to be supported but that's a different matter.

Tenpastlate · 15/12/2015 20:01

Bloody hell.
You have only one side of the story, filtered through the man's (heavily invested and biased) mother.

Can anyone explain how the woman is supposed to have willfully damaged the condom in such a way that the man didn't notice when he put it on? Or why indeed she would want to?

Or why the man or his mother have assumed that the girlfriend's wish to move in together after 3 months is so shocking?

Imagine she was the parent of the girl.. my daughter is 23 and has been dating a lovely man for 3 months. She feels that them both moving out of their family homes and into their own flat would be the next step. Imagine her surprise when, after discussing this, and his seeming agreement, she found herself unceremoniously dumped after not wanting to take the MAP (failed condom) as she is on the pill so pregnancy is highly unlikely anyway.

The advice on this thread is sickening

Preminstreltension · 15/12/2015 20:03

But it's really not a good idea to move in with anyone after 3 months - certainly not at this age. And when cracks are already beginning to show. Who would really think that was a great idea for their university age son or daughter?

BasinHaircut · 15/12/2015 20:07

osolea no she doesn't absolve herself of a living breathing human being, she terminates a pregnancy. She doesn't leave a child out here in the world without a mother that supports them either financially or otherwise.

Whilst it might not seem fair that a man cannot choose to terminate a pregnancy, that's just how it is.

To suggest that therefore he should be able to just walk away because it's the woman's choice is outrageous.

kali110 · 15/12/2015 20:09

But the map isn't an abortion pill?
If you're pregnant it won't do anything.
There is a reason to take the map even if you're on the pill, if you haven't taken it correctly or are on medication that may interact with it like antibiotics.
I've taken it before when on the pill.
No side effects.

AyeAmarok · 15/12/2015 20:10

I've seen the light. I totally agree this is just awful for him.

This whole issue could be resolved if men were able to force women to take the contraception option the man chooses for them. Or to make the woman have an abortion if something goes wrong with contraception. Or because The Man decides it doesn't feel as good with condoms and doesn't want to use them.

Women just don't know what's best for them sometimes.

RudeElf · 15/12/2015 20:10

Does he give up his plans and support a child he does not wish to have, took precautions to avoid and made his feelings very clear BEFORE conception.

Yes and no.

Yes he supports this child because despite not wanting a child he still had sex which everyone knows can still lead to pregnancy despite 7 layers of condoms and every brand of pill available.

No he doesnt have to "give up" his plans, but being a good parent will mean altering them. It could mean delaying his post graduate study, or forgetting the abroad element and studying at home. Studying as a parent is still possible (ive done it) but of course you dont have free reign on what you can do and where you can go, and you will have tighter financial restrictions but it isnt a case of dreams dashed and no future because he is now a parent. If he wants to study and be a good parent he will make it happen.

FWIW he should immediately stop having sex with his girlfriend. Tbh they are on completely separate pages and baby or no baby i dont think they should be together.

kali110 · 15/12/2015 20:11

I don't think moving in with someone after 3 months is good advice no matter what their age.

kali110 · 15/12/2015 20:13

My god how has this already turned into an evil man thread already?
This lad hasn't done anything wrong apart from getting scared of a gf wanting to move in with him after 3 months and who suddenly maybe pregnant.