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AIBU?

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Original poster

Where do you stand on this one...

419 replies

Marilynsbigsister · 15/12/2015 17:13

I'm not going to NC but will be slightly oblique about circumstances as quite identifying . Two very young 20 yr olds in a relationship. Been together 3 months. Male at Uni but lives at home, female working also living at home. The boy has mentioned to his parents (actually his mum mostly) that cracks are starting to appear because she is keen to move on to the next level and is putting the pressure on to get a flat together and 'settle down'. Boy has told her 'definitely not at the moment' his plans include post graduate study abroad for a couple of years . Anyway, the dilemma.. 2 days after the 'settle down' conversation, there was a contraception failure. Condom split, (apparently it was not just a small tear but from top all way to base. ) Boy has been taught from early on that he must be responsible for his own fertility and insisted on condoms as he is adamant he doesn't want children yet although gf is on the pill. Boy is now beside himself with worry, he begged his gf to go with him to get morning after pill. Gf reaction has been to refuse saying that if she gets pregnant against all these odds then it is meant to be . Boy is the sort to do the right thing. Would give up career goals of he had children to support. I know all the ins and outs because mum is close relative. Mum believes gf is manipulating her son into parenthood because this happened literally a couple of days after discussing settling down. What is the right thing to do if she is pregnant. ? Does he give up his plans and support a child he does not wish to have, took precautions to avoid and made his feelings very clear BEFORE conception. Or does he suck it up, leave Uni and get a job to support the child and learn never again have sex with someone he doesn't want to have a child with. ? For my part I have met the gf a few times so not enough to form an opinion except that she is much more mature than her boyfriend. (My relative is livid and truly believes she 'doctored the condoms - which would be impossible - she is too angry to be logical !)
BTW she was due AF on Monday. Apparently there are pts that are accurate to a few days late so all a bit tense in female relatives household at the moment.

OP posts:
Osolea · 15/12/2015 18:09

To people saying he would have to support the child financially if there is one, how would that work?

If he is only living off student loans or grants, would the CMS take some of that from him? Seems incredibly unfair to me if they would.

But if he doesn't leave university and get a job, then how can he financially support his child? He could be like plenty of ex's people talk about on here who either pay nothing, or a fiver a week.

BlueJug · 15/12/2015 18:11

sorry - I know that refusing to take the MA does not = manipulation - BUT along with other circs it tends to suggest it, rightly or wrongly.

Good point about his mother not playing the blame game. Important to think about any future grandchild.

Justaboy · 15/12/2015 18:12

I blame mother nature myself for giving them the capability to have children before their brains have matured;!

SoupDragon · 15/12/2015 18:15

Given the conversation, I'm not sure I would trust the gf to be taking the pill correctly.

Regardless, if I were the parent of either of them, I would advise the boyfriend to finish his studies so he is better placed to support the child financially in the future. I would help until that point.

Original poster
Marilynsbigsister · 15/12/2015 18:15

Young man has already told his parents he will dump her as soon as there is a negative pregnancy test. He feels he can't at the moment. He is a very naice boy from a naice family who would not leave someone in that situation. (His mum wants to make a wax effigy and stick it with needles ) but is supporting him making his own decision

OP posts:
hefzi · 15/12/2015 18:16

Billy I've had one that completely split, and ended up like a ruff around the bottom of his shaft: I don't know if it was caught with a nail or something going on, but there was no indication until it was too late that it had happened.

That said, I do think it's a mighty suspicious concatenation of circumstances - and I'm not sure why you wouldn't just take the MAP if you were already (as in this case) using hormonal contraception: it would derail her life as much as his to be a mother now, if she hasn't finished her studies. People do it, of course, and a lot more commonly now than they used to - but her comments about "meant to be" after pushing for more leave me a little sceptical.

notquitehuman · 15/12/2015 18:16

He should definitely stay at uni, otherwise it's going to be very hard for him to create a secure future for them. Most well-paid jobs will need a degree at the very least.

Do condoms still have spermicide? Hopefully that'll help, and even if the girlfriend hasn't been taking the pill properly, the odds of pregnancy after one time are very low unless it's a fertile time of the month.

Hopefully, things will turn out OK. I think i'd be very pissed off if after 3 months my partner wouldn't take the morning after pill though. It's awful to say but she does sound a bit unhinged. I'd be wondering whether there's any future there.

Youarentkiddingme · 15/12/2015 18:18

Oh dear what a mess Sad. It really does annoy me that woman do have more say than men re pregnancy but the men have to take equal responsibility. And I say that as a LP to a DS, been alone for 10 years and his dad is a twat pays nothing. Ds wasn't planned but we were in a long term relationship and engaged and were planning children.
We both agreed to carry on with pregnancy.

I do agree the boy needs to finish the relationship now. He needs to make it very clear to the girl that he has no plans for a future with her. It's possible once she sees he won't be trapped into staying with her because of a child she may change her stance on it? He needs to make it clear if there is a child involved his involvement will be with child and not her.

Stimpack · 15/12/2015 18:18

He needs to stay at university but dump her ASAP, she sounds batshit.

Snowcoveredthoughtcage · 15/12/2015 18:19

Well, even if she is desperate for a baby she is an idiot to not take the MAP with a bloke that begged her to. What kind of basis is that for a child's life? He shouldn't give up his plans, even if there is a baby, and if there is he must support the child. His earning potential will be more with a good/post grad degree and babies don't cost much to start with - it's later when nursery fees etc kick in that they'll need it. But he shouldn't stay in a relationship with her.

Stimpack · 15/12/2015 18:20

If the condom was deliberately ripped by her then I don't get why he then has to support her and the baby if it turns out she is pregnant.

HicDraconis · 15/12/2015 18:20

He needs to finish the relationship before the pregnancy test outcome is known - he'll find it more difficult if it's positive!

She will also have more information to base any decisions regarding the pregnancy on; while they are still together she may feel a child will force the settling down issue. If she knows he has no intention of staying with her she may opt for a termination, adoption or single parenthood but with more knowledge of what she's getting into.

I also think he should continue at Uni regardless including his time abroad - he stands a better chance of a reliable income (with which he can support a child) than if he drops out now.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 15/12/2015 18:21

Cracks were starting to show but he was still happy to sleep with her, eh? If you have sex, you have to be prepared for pregnancy, not to rely on MAP (which isn't always effective anyway).

She sounds manipulative, but they both sound immature. If he had his doubts he shouldn't still be sleeping with her.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2015 18:21

I do agree the boy needs to finish the relationship now. He needs to make it very clear to the girl that he has no plans for a future with her. It's possible once she sees he won't be trapped into staying with her because of a child she may change her stance on it? He needs to make it clear if there is a child involved his involvement will be with child and not her.

I agree. He needs to make it very clear that he will support a child if there is one but they have no future as a couple whatsoever.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 15/12/2015 18:22

If he's not comfortable with settling down and he knows it's what she wants, my advice to him would be to stop sleeping with her.

Tiggeryoubastard · 15/12/2015 18:23

If she isn't pregnant now then i guarantee she soon will be. I'd actively be advising him to dump her ASAP. She sounds very bunny boiler fixated.

hefzi · 15/12/2015 18:24

yy to both Dragons on the thread: he needs to end it now, so if - as a naice boy - she is indeed pregnant, he doesn't feel duty bound to stay with her as a result.

DixieNormas · 15/12/2015 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 15/12/2015 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dani240 · 15/12/2015 18:26

Isn't everyone in this family getting a bit ahead of themselves Confused? The young woman is on the pill. A pharmacy isn't even going to give her the MAP if she is already on a reliable form of contraception herself. If she ends up pregnant then that will be highly suspicious, but I wouldn't take the MAP while on the pill, however much a partner wanted me to!

For everybody to be waiting for live updates on this poor woman's uterus and planning out the career of the poor 'trapped' man seems a bit hysterical!

Ipsos · 15/12/2015 18:28

In his shoes I would end the relationship and keep sex as a think that is done after marriage.

Hurr1cane · 15/12/2015 18:29

I don't see why he shouldn't stay at Uni. I went to uni when I was a single mother. He an provide a lot of care for the child at least, and, with the amount of nights out my friends had on their student loans, I suspect he can sacrifice any social life to give her some financial support as well.

But if there is a baby he needs to be there for it. The MAP isn't an easy option, it's essentially a very early abortion and if a woman doesn't want to do that then she shouldn't have to. I know I couldn't morally. But I believe the choice should be there either way. I'm pro choice, but that means CHOICE. And if a woman doesn't feel that the MAP or abortion is something she can deal with then she should not have that forced on her.

LeaLeander · 15/12/2015 18:30

I totally agree with Osolea.

As a woman I would never cede control of my fertility/reproductive choices to another person, but by the same token I feel there is nothing more heinous (short of murder, torture etc.) than forcing a man into parenthood if he has expressed a desire to not become a father.

He ascertained she was on the pill (we hope) and still chose to use a condom as a further degree of safety. Clearly, he is not a man playing fast and loose, consequences be damned, but one who short of abstinence is doing what he can not to impregnate anyone. Women don't have to be celibate to avoid parenthood, why should men? She can decide to terminate the pregnancy if she desires - but if not, he's on the hook for the rest of his life due to one broken condom? Not fair at all.

He should run for the hills and not look back. Leaving aside the pregnancy scare and her needy, desperate and rather neurotic request that a young university student whom she's dated for three months "move to the next level," live together and settle down - her "meant to be" comment shows me that she is someone who isn't a rational planner. The most momentous decision a human can make is one to bring another human into being, on a planet teeming with 7 billion and growing fast. Baybees don't "just happen."

Argh, I cannot stand women like that.

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/12/2015 18:31

Its not the baby's fault that he or she is going to be born into a mess. He is 20 years old. 20 year olds are men not boys. He should try to go part-time at Uni and get a job for the rest of the time. I can't believe that some people are suggesting he keeps his travel plans - how would you feel if you divorced and your OH's didn't make the slightest effort to pay for their child? Nappies, food etc don't grow on trees. Whether he wants to be with her or not is immaterial - being a father must be his priority, in the same way that she will also have to put being a mother first.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2015 18:32

"Young man has already told his parents he will dump her as soon as there is a negative pregnancy test. He feels he can't at the moment. He is a very naice boy from a naice family who would not leave someone in that situation."
It's not really a matter of 'leaving someone in that situation' he needs to consider if knowing the relationship is over will , erm, 'affect' the result of the pregnancy test. ASAP would be better.