Where do you stand on this one...

[Marilynsbigsister]

I'm not going to NC but will be slightly oblique about circumstances as quite identifying . Two very young 20 yr olds in a relationship. Been together 3 months. Male at Uni but lives at home, female working also living at home. The boy has mentioned to his parents (actually his mum mostly) that cracks are starting to appear because she is keen to move on to the next level and is putting the pressure on to get a flat together and 'settle down'. Boy has told her 'definitely not at the moment' his plans include post graduate study abroad for a couple of years . Anyway, the dilemma.. 2 days after the 'settle down' conversation, there was a contraception failure. Condom split, (apparently it was not just a small tear but from top all way to base. ) Boy has been taught from early on that he must be responsible for his own fertility and insisted on condoms as he is adamant he doesn't want children yet although gf is on the pill. Boy is now beside himself with worry, he begged his gf to go with him to get morning after pill. Gf reaction has been to refuse saying that if she gets pregnant against all these odds then it is meant to be . Boy is the sort to do the right thing. Would give up career goals of he had children to support. I know all the ins and outs because mum is close relative. Mum believes gf is manipulating her son into parenthood because this happened literally a couple of days after discussing settling down. What is the right thing to do if she is pregnant. ? Does he give up his plans and support a child he does not wish to have, took precautions to avoid and made his feelings very clear BEFORE conception. Or does he suck it up, leave Uni and get a job to support the child and learn never again have sex with someone he doesn't want to have a child with. ? For my part I have met the gf a few times so not enough to form an opinion except that she is much more mature than her boyfriend. (My relative is livid and truly believes she 'doctored the condoms - which would be impossible - she is too angry to be logical !)
BTW she was due AF on Monday. Apparently there are pts that are accurate to a few days late so all a bit tense in female relatives household at the moment.

A male contraceptive which isn't a barrier is due for release in 2018. It's an injectable gel which is basically a reversible vasectomy.

They're lying NeedAScarf!

I can't find it right now, but there was a male contraceptive pill trialed that was so successful no company wanted to buy it. The men (I think it was trialed in India) who took it had zero contraceptive failures until they were given the reversal drug. It was covered on Gawker about two years ago. So 100% effective, no side effects, but men would only need to take it once, making it near useless for medical sales companies. And if you do google you'll find that every couple of years another version of this is run, and found to be very effective, but there is always some reason why it can't be implemented. In one case, I recall there were no side effects reported, but there was a concern that there 'could be' side effects at some point. There's a lot of squeamishness about doing anything unpleasant to men's genitals unnecessarily...

Yeah, I can imagine that an effective one dose treatment with no side effects would scare the drug companies shitless as they would be scared of the loss of pill revenue.

I also think the 'men won't take it' generalisations are unhelpful too. It's sexist. Some men make the same generalisation about women and the pill too, which is misogynistic.

I Have had the opportunity to read through the thread and the one thing that jumps out is the incredible amount of conjecture regarding DN - his family and his now Ex- Gf. I am not sure where I ever said my Dsis family were wealthy or rich !.and gf was 'the wrong sort' If anything, it's the other way round as dbil and dsis are junior management and gf family quite well to do professionals and it would seem financiall y much better off then my DN family. Anyway, all has been quiet today on gf front. I have had the opportunity to talk to DN on his own. I was not happy with the way he had left things. I was also surprised by his 'you're on your own attitude'. It was very unlike him , I know I am biased but he really is a kind thoughtful Young man and this reaction was out of character. He explained that up until the PT he was under the impression they were on the same side , kinda in it together supposedly both desperately hoping for a negative. However the shenanigans with the first test being 'slightly' positive yet 'throwing it away before he could see it and her obvious upset at the second being negative, made him realize that she had a completely different agenda. He was angry and feels that she has lied about the pill and lied about not wanting to be pg. So he has told her she is on her own. He wants her to make a decision about any pregnancy that may come to light, based upon them having no relationship and very little money in maintenance in the early years. He is especially angry about the MAP. He cannot get his head around someone who is happy to take the hormone contraceptive pill but not the hormone MAP. He feels she has a choice and he does not. He wants her to understand what the circumstances of her choice will be . He is very focused on his studies and will not be diverted . As he said, if I am going to be forced into fatherhood I am going to have to earn enough money to support myself this child and my future family. I agree. Now all we can do is wait.

He's done the right thing ending the relationship. He doesn't trust her, had to be done. But he has no right to be angry with her about the MAP, it was her choice entirely when it came to that point. But regarding telling her there will be no relationship and he won't give up his studies was the right thing to do. The choice about the MAP was hers alone, but the choice about his education was his alone.

not surprised your disappointed in him.

He has the choice to have sex, condom or not, or to abstain. And to remain in a relationship or not. To be a decent father or not.

He doesn't have the choice to tell her what to do.

Starting to agree with Aye. I just don't know any families where not only is the auntie called in to come round and observe son's girlfriend having a meltdown, but a nephew is also more than happy to discuss his sex life, relationship and future plans with his auntie.

His right to end the relationship. I doubt she's pregnent but if she is he at least needs to support DC in the best way he can whilst he studies. I agree an education will be much more beneficial to any "potential" DC long term.

aye I thought hunting was against talk guidelines and all that. You know where the Report button is don't you?

He has said he will be a father of that is what happens. What he won't be doing is getting a flat and settlting down with a child to a life of domesticity with this lady and the child . He wants her to realise that when/if she is in the position of making the decisiont that will effect BOTH their lives, she makes that decision based on him not being in UK and not being in a position to provide much in the way of money for the child's formative years. Obviously if she is happy to do that then that is her choice. What he is trying to get across is that by saying 'I'm pregnant' he is not going to suddenly offer marriage, home and roses round the door .

Forgetting about what she wants, how would he feel about missing the first couple of years of his child's life?

Slightly that some folks find it unusual that I have had a heart to heart with my DN after he had had a rather traumatic time of it.( I know his gf has had a hard time too but hopefully she is sharing her troubles with a friend or family.) I live in the same street as my sister, she is my best friend. Nothing strange from where I sit. He didn't 'discuss his sex life ' he simply told his mum the reason he was stressed was because of a pregnancy scare. She hasn't discussed with him at all. She has stayed right out of it. She has however discussed with me alot (till the cows come home) that's what we do when we have a problem, for us it's normal. Sorry if others find it weird !

Op. I don't find your situation unusual at all. I am very close to my 18 year old niece and she shares more about her personal life with me than she does my DB and exSIL. I act as mediator some times.

Nature of the beast MN what is normal in RL to some is completely unusual or unheard of to others. Take the rough with the smooth..

So if he became a father he would still move abroad to study?

Charming sense of responsibility there.

One thing to not wish to be in a relationship with the mother of your child. Another to have very little contact with your child because you prioritise a wish to travel. (Studying/working can easily be done in the UK)

I don't think discussion is unusual but ramping up the drama when it's highly unlikely that the girl is pregnant isn't helpful. Someone should be telling them both (& the mother) to calm down until they know for sure. If she ends up pregnant (which doesn't sound likely) there's plenty of time to make decisions regarding education. He can't force her to take the MAP or have a termination (thank god - did you know in Japan you need the father's signature for a termination as well - at least you did twenty odd years ago). He's made his reluctance clear - she can make any decision (in the unlikely event a decision needs to be made) in that knowledge.

Hopefully they'll both learn & grow up a bit from this.

It's highly obvious that she isn't pregnant and that they're not suited.

She probably doesn't even want to be pregnant herself but is clutching at straws because he doesn't want to follow her idea of moving in.

DuckDaemon, not necessarily. He's doing post grad research, he will need to go where the funding, expertise and facilities for his specialism are. This may well not be the UK.

Spot on booyaka . The funding for DN field is only possible if he moves to Oregon state university. Whoever said the drama needs to die down is also correct. DBIL said as much last night. He had enough and simply told her to go home and take a rest. And she did. No contact at all today, so it seems she has taken his advice. Although from what DN says, it probably won't last. He is convinced that she will be pregnant. !