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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have wanted to give the crying lady a hug

126 replies

Whataboutreindeer · 14/12/2015 17:45

On the jubilee line this afternoon and there was a woman with what I assume were her partner and child in a pram. She was crying and I kept catching her eye, it was awful. I just wanted to give her a hug. I had my baby in a sling and it was the underground so she was safe from my unsolicited advances, but I really wanted to give her some support. I felt awful for what must have looked like staring, she was just in my eye line and it was pretty unavoidable. I hope she is ok and doesn't feel gawped at.

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 14/12/2015 18:00

Poor woman. A random stranger gave me a hug about 2 years ago when I was struggling with 4 dc on my first trip out with all 4 of them. I've never forgotten it although I've never seen her again.

Fugghetaboutit · 14/12/2015 18:15

Was her partner consoling her?

Original poster

Whataboutreindeer · 14/12/2015 18:25

He wasn't even speaking to her. He walked off ahead with the buggy when they got off the train. It seemed pretty fraught whatever was going on.

OP posts:

winterswan · 14/12/2015 18:26

I think you certainly weren't unreasonable to have wanted to hug her, but I think it was best you didn't, on the whole.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 14/12/2015 18:28

I've offered a crying woman in the bus a tissue before. Sympathetic but non-invasive.

Sorry to be harsh, but not sure of the point of the thread. You didn't do anything, except stare at this woman and probably make her feel more uncomfortable.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 14/12/2015 18:29

I would have felt that way too yanbu. Empathy is a wonderful trait. You sound wonderful op.

queenofthepirates · 14/12/2015 18:35

I think I might have whispered 'hug'? to see if she responded? Too late now but lovely that you cared.

AliceScarlett · 14/12/2015 18:48

Sweet that you wanted to hug her, YANBU, but maybe if that happens again either ask or offer a tissue, or if out of "reach", don't stare. Hindsight a wonderful thing though.

abbsismyhero · 14/12/2015 18:52

i was offered a hug in tescos by the staff once she would have given me one too i thanked her but said i would sob my eyes out and unfortunately she had a queue forming she told me not to worry anytime i needed a shoulder hers was available i went home and cried instead

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 14/12/2015 18:55

That is nice :) I clicked incase it was me! I have an overactive cry reflex and people have hugged me in public before. It's so lovely.

NameChanger22 · 14/12/2015 18:56

A year or two ago I saw a woman and a boy of about 8 outside an accountants both crying their eyes out. I really wanted to stop and ask if I could help, but I was too nervous. I've since regretted that decision and often wondered why they were both so distraught. I might have been able to help so in future I'm always going to stop and just ask.

Original poster

Whataboutreindeer · 14/12/2015 18:56

She was out of my reach and I just kept catching her eye. I was trying to look anywhere but at her. I felt like such a dick every time I caught her eye.

And Pp this probably is a totally pointless thread so you know, just move along. I guess I was wondering if my feelings of helplessness towards another human being were reasonable or not. Should I be just having no thoughts towards someone I don't know and never will know or is it reasonable to give a shit.

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 14/12/2015 19:00

I wouldn't want a hug- a sympathetic smile, a tissue, and a 'hey can I help?' Would be more welcome for me.

Preminstreltension · 14/12/2015 19:01

I think you were probably right just to send caring mind waves

I once saw a woman on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I went and sat next to her and said "Can I help you with anything?" and she said, or shouted really, "Just go away!" I knew it was almost inevitable there was nothing I could do to help but just thought I should put my hand out as it were - and unsurprisingly she wanted to be left alone . I think of her often and wonder what had happened as she was really sobbing.

VulcanWoman · 14/12/2015 19:03

good the point of the thread is the OP felt bad and it's still playing on her mind by the sounds of it.
OP, it's reasonable and normal to give a shit for sure. Most people have regrets about not saying/doing things in situations, it's hard to know what's best sometimes. I'm sure if it happens again you won't hesitate.

Bloodybridget · 14/12/2015 19:09

I was on the Tube not that long ago sitting opposite a very young woman who was crying, on her own. The carriage was quite busy and I felt awful for her sitting there with everyone pretending they couldn't see her (or, politely ignoring her, I guess) - anyway after a bit I got up and sat next to her, gave her a tissue, said quietly that I was sorry she was feeling so upset, would she be able to talk to someone when she got wherever she was going? Maybe it helped a bit - she thanked me anyway and didn't tell me to go away.
OP I suppose it would have been easier for you to approach the woman if the bloke hadn't been there - I would never hug or touch in that situation though.

Naoko · 14/12/2015 19:16

A man came and asked if I was ok when I was sat down leaning against a wall in Rome's Termini station softly crying (which is notorious for pickpockets/crime/being generally not that safe). He didn't hug me which might've unnerved me but I was very thankful to him for asking.

Musicaltheatremum · 14/12/2015 19:16

My daughter was sobbing her heart out in Gatwick airport and nobody asked how she was. She was18 and we had just called her home as my husband had just taken a turn for the worse. Fortunately he rallied for a couple of days before he died but I wish someone had given her a hug.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 14/12/2015 19:17

Since I clearly said I've been in the same situation and actually done something, not sure why you're trying to make out I'm a heartless bitch. This just seems like an odd thread. "AIBU for wanting to help a fellow human being?" No, clearly not. But I'm not looking for a pat on the back for being a decent human being.

madmotherof2 · 14/12/2015 19:21

I had a lovely hug from a stranger about several years ago

I was at chessington theme park with my eldest, who was 5 at the time. We'd been queuing for a ride, it was boiling hot, massive queue, when DS decided it was perfect timing for a temper tantrum . He was massively lashing out and we were right at the front of a long winding queue and it took all my strength to carry him past everyone to get out. He was kicking and screaming and I was terrified he'd hurt someone!!

When we got out of the queue I was in tears and this lovely couple approached me, the lady gave me a hug whilst the man had a chat with DS and calmed him down. I've never forgotten them, after having several people stare at me as I tried to get out of the queue it was just what I needed

GoApeShit · 14/12/2015 19:24

ignore the shitty 'What's the point of this thread?' comment. Hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing and it's not surprising you are pondering whether you should have offered a hug.

If have cried on the tube before and it's bloody embarrassing. A tissue and a kind word would probably make me sob harder at the time, but you sound like you have a good heart, OP. I hope the lady is ok now.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 14/12/2015 19:26

When my DF was dying, we all received a call to come to the hospital. I hadn't passed my test yet so had to get the train. I sat there on my own, quietly crying and not a single person acknowledged me. Not even the conductor who stood waiting impatiently whilst I looked for money for my ticket. I guess my point is that someone on their own crying may actually appreciate an offer of a tissue, or an 'are you ok?'.

I think the tricky part for you OP was that the crying woman had someone with her and it's difficult to intrude in those circumstances and also it's not always the wise decision since the partner could react angrily either then or to the woman later.

Nishky · 14/12/2015 19:27

You are much nicer than the girl in the pub when I was silently weeping because of something my abusive ex had said-who smirked at me.

20 years on it still makes me seethe.

IGotAPea · 14/12/2015 19:27

Hug I'll never ever forget was at my Dad's funeral a few years ago.

Dh was coaxed into giving up his seat in the funeral car so that stepmum could have her friend with her. (Because she said she needed extra support, her son and her own parents were already travelling with her but she didn't feel it enough) fair enough. Dh was meant to travel ahead and meet us at the church to walk in, but ended up cut off by other people going to funeral so actually ended a few cars behind us and then had trouble finding somewhere to park. It was packed. I thought stepmum would have waited for him but she looked at me on my own then started walking in! I kind of got forgotten about as everyone from funeral cars was focussing on themselves and followed her so I had to make quick choice , go to dad's funeral alone (dh wouldn't walk in if it had already started) or wait for dh and miss the start.

I'm usually pretty strong and would have asked them to wait a few mins for dh but dad's death was so sudden I was knocked sideways and felt lost and not very confident. A woman who must have seen what step mum did and the tears and panic on my face as I was looking for dh, came over to me and gave me a proper squeezing hug, she caught the vicars eye and signalled for him to wait, a sweaty dh came running round corner 30 secs later and the woman whispered in my ear to take care. I love her for that because I think I'd have turned and gone home if my family went in and started without me. I never got to tell her the strength and comfort that hug gave me.

If Dh was mega late, fair enough,I can understand not waiting forever, but stepmum didn't wait at all, and vicar looked horrified that he almost started when stepmum said she was ready, dh would have been with me and not late had she not guilted me into letting her friend have dhs seat in the first place.

CuttedUpPear · 14/12/2015 19:30

Years ago when DS was in a pram we were out for the day at a famous attraction with XP and his other DCs. I can't remember why, probably just the stress of a hot day and 5 DCs but tempers were fraught (well his was, and he was a bullying bastard) and just as we were walking across the main concourse where everyone stopped to have their photos taken, he loudly shouted at me that I was a cunt.

I felt like the world actually stopped turning as everyone within earshot stopped and turned to look at me. It was mortifying.
I just kept my head down and kept pushing the pram across what seemed like miles and miles of paving. Tears were streaming down my face. Gosh I would have loved someone to walk up and put a protective arm around me - that insult was just the tip of the iceberg.

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