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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have wanted to give the crying lady a hug

126 replies

Whataboutreindeer · 14/12/2015 17:45

On the jubilee line this afternoon and there was a woman with what I assume were her partner and child in a pram. She was crying and I kept catching her eye, it was awful. I just wanted to give her a hug. I had my baby in a sling and it was the underground so she was safe from my unsolicited advances, but I really wanted to give her some support. I felt awful for what must have looked like staring, she was just in my eye line and it was pretty unavoidable. I hope she is ok and doesn't feel gawped at.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:42

Not angry, just amazed that someone would do that 😁

winterswan · 15/12/2015 20:43

Livia clearly isn't angry!

A good example of how it is possible to misread things.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:46

(air) high-fives winter 😄

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/12/2015 20:47

In my case when I was crying in public, I was grieving.

I wouldn't have been offended by a hug from a stranger - I would simply have felt intruded upon.

And then I would had to have pretended it was ok so as to make you feel ok. So absolutely the only person getting anything out of the exchange would've been you.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 20:47

Do what? Approach someone who seems upset and be open to physical contact if I thought I could comfort them ? You say you don't do physical contact, which is an unusual trait among humans. I think someone like yourself would make it clear to anyone who approached you that you aren't a tactile person, so I don't imagine there ever being a problem in real life. Have you ever been accosted before? I've never to my knowledge upset a stranger

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 20:50

Yes dowager I accept its not always welcome. People are different as this thread shows.
Glad Ive not upset anyone, its the opposite of what I meant to do

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/12/2015 20:51

See my last paragraph above - I bet you have.

winterswan · 15/12/2015 20:52

Quite dowager

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 20:53

Maybe, but I'd guess its been outweighed by the people who have felt better.
I hope people don't give it up altogether.

winterswan · 15/12/2015 20:55

It's a bit arrogant to assume your 'hugs' have healing powers! You aren't Jesus of Nazareth I am assuming Wink

TangledUpInGin · 15/12/2015 21:00

I was hugged by a lady in a chocolate shop not that long ago. I'd recently split with my husband and was buying chocs for my eldest's birthday. I had my youngest in a pram and was hauling the biggest balloon ever with me. I was silently sobbing and could keep it under control until she asked me if I was okay. I spilt everything to her and she was just lovelyBlush it made me realise how long it'd been since someone was nice to me, which made me worse! I sobbed even more and she gave me a chocolate Grin I think it's a lovely thought, but do appreciate that not everyone would be as desperate for some kindness open to such a thing. I'd always offer some support in such a situation, but also wouldn't be offended if rebuffed.

winterswan · 15/12/2015 21:01

Tangled, in that situation you spoke to her and she was able to gauge the situation. Others are describing hugging crying people which isn't really cricket IMO - it's invading personal space.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 21:02

I'll certainly remember that it won't always be welcome, but I really do believe it can make a huge difference in certain circumstances.
This thread shows that. I can remember cutter up pear for one who wasn't approached but would have appreciated it. And its Made my day more than a few Times. I'd hate that nobody ever offers me a hug again. But like I said I am probably the opposite end of the spectrum to livia. I am very into physical contact with all my friends, my Husband and I are as physically affectionate as we were when we met. So I don't feel at all awkward being hugged by a stranger

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 21:05

That's lovely tangled. Overall it's a really lovely thread :) obviously I'd talk to someone before I touched them : / I have basic social skills and I think I am fairly emotionally Intelligent (if I am using that correctly ? Does it mean Intuitive)

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/12/2015 21:06

I am empathetic, sensitive and usually very tactile - but I also absolutely hate being the centre of attention. Being the centre of attention when I was upset (a stranger coming over to hug another stranger in a public place draws the eyes of everyone around) would be hellish for me!

People are complex and even those who would normally welcome a hug, might not in specific circumstances.

You just don't know - of course it would be welcomed by some, but it won't be others.

If our dog died and I was crying in public, I'd probably be quite receptive to a hug from a stranger (because I'd feel able to talk about it). But when I was dealing with the imminent death of my beloved Dad, I absolutely just wanted to be left alone.

laughingatweather · 15/12/2015 21:14

Wanting to hug someone that is in distress is for many people an involuntary response to want to comfort someone who's upset.

Actually offering it or doing it are different things.

I don't think most people on this thread are suggesting we hug random distressed strangers but OP didn't do that. She wanted to. It's different.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 21:15

I don't like the limelight either. It's more the gesture of offering than the actual physical contact that I appreciate. I suppose there could be a time when I wouldn't want to be touched.. In that case I'd say so and be grateful for the thought.
I'm satisfied that I'm doing the "right" thing because i mean well. If I am unlucky enough to meet someone who despises human touch to the point which it makes them throw up, I might reconsider!

swarskicat · 15/12/2015 21:56

I do struggle with people who think everyone wants to be hugged. Everyone is different and people should respect that.

Huggers seem to have the attitude that everyone is like them and loves a hug.

I am definitely in the 'circle of trust' camp. I love to hug people I love but I feel the need to grant this Permission to people.

Maybe I am weird.

However, a tissue a friendly smile or a 'are you ok' are all good and most welcomed.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 22:31

I don't think you're weird swarzi. You appreciate you gesture and realise it is coming from kindness. Looks as though I'm the one who's inconsiderate. I recognise that people aren't all as physical as me, but I am sad by the thought that its seen as nothing but an interfering egomaniac who has no genuine consideration for the other person. It's a bit sad that anybody would think like that, and yes, I suppose I will think twice before approaching someone in future. It Makes me quite sad to think I've probably made people's bad day even worse and seen to he self serving and arrogant, when i thought I'd helped in some way. Bye bye warm fuzzy memories

CwtchMeQuick · 15/12/2015 23:02

I total stranger showing me she cared was the one thing that got me through the worst day of my life.
She didn't hug me, or do anything big. She just asked if I was okay and stood and kept an eye on me from a distance while I sobbed, just so I wasnt alone.
Personally, I think the good that a kind smile or offer of a tissue can do far outweighs the harm it can do if unwanted. I wouldn't go round hugging people, but equally I won't ever ignore someone who's upset unless it's very obvious they want privacy

Roussette · 16/12/2015 08:40

I probably wouldn't go in for a hug straight off at all. I would however, touch someone's arm or possibly shock horror put my arm round them if I felt I got the signs. i.e. someone was crying so much they made the first move and fell into me sobbing.

I really don't want to have to change because of what I've read on here because I think in general everyone appreciates the human kindness and would know that the actions came from the heart.

Last time this happened, someone had fallen. Everyone walked round this poor lady - I think she was having a minor epileptic fit or something. I knelt down and covered her with my coat and stroked her forehead whilst I got someone to call an ambulance. There is nothing I did that I would change as a result of this thread.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 16/12/2015 08:54

I can't believe people walked around her! That's just horrible behaviour! I'd've thought it'd only be the odd person who didn't sTop, not the maJority. When I'd just had my 3rd child my 2nd child pushed the pram off the kerb and the baby fell out into the road. It looked awful even though he was unharmed, but I went to pieces and all three were bawling too. I was very grateful for a hug then

Roussette · 16/12/2015 09:05

Yes, people even almost stepped over her, I presume they thought she was drunk. It was in a bit of a notorious part of a big city but still....

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 16/12/2015 09:13

Somebody falling/having an epileptic fit etc - I would hope that most of us would stop and help (although I know some wouldn't) as they are obviously in need of practical help - I have helped in the past. I think that's different to someone being upset though as they may not want or need help.

And reading people's body language correctly isn't likely to result in an awkward situation.

My suggestion would be to think first, and only hug someone if you are sure they are amenable! That way everyone wins!

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 16/12/2015 09:25

I wont go near anyone again expect in an emergency. I had no clue that it could be interpreted so negatively