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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have wanted to give the crying lady a hug

126 replies

Whataboutreindeer · 14/12/2015 17:45

On the jubilee line this afternoon and there was a woman with what I assume were her partner and child in a pram. She was crying and I kept catching her eye, it was awful. I just wanted to give her a hug. I had my baby in a sling and it was the underground so she was safe from my unsolicited advances, but I really wanted to give her some support. I felt awful for what must have looked like staring, she was just in my eye line and it was pretty unavoidable. I hope she is ok and doesn't feel gawped at.

OP posts:

littlemermaid80 · 14/12/2015 22:21

When I was 19 I lost my virginity to a guy I thought I loved, who promptly dumped me and smoothly told me he had realised he wasn't in love with me and we were "just friends" (minutes after throwing the condom away).
I cried all the way home on the train.
I sat at King's Cross station and cried for 30 minutes while waiting for my delayed train.

A middle aged woman came and sat beside me and gave me tissues. She never said a word just smiled and gave me all her tissues, then we got on the train, and got separated.

I've never forgotten her.

Catsize · 14/12/2015 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsize · 14/12/2015 22:38

I was (embarrassingly) obviously crying in an airport after receiving bad news when travelling alone in my ear 20s. Started when on the phone then continued in the boarding queue, on planet etc. Not one person said a word, not even a member of staff. Much as I was embarrassed, I was also angry that this is how we have become. A tissue would have been great too!

Catsize · 14/12/2015 22:40

Sorry for posting twice - dodgy internet connection made my post disappear but it seemingly worked first time.

winterswan · 14/12/2015 22:56

They were probably just trying to be polite.

I generally don't assume crying strangers are in urgent need of me finding them tissues or hugging them.

Garlick · 15/12/2015 02:13

Ah well, Nishky, what an arse. I hope she lost something valuable and one of the nice people in these stories picked it up & kept it! 😈

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 02:34

I find it so odd that some people describe the idea of being hugged by a stranger "awful" when I find it so nice!! Aren't people strange in their differences!? Oh god - apart from vom-woman! I am shocked anyone went anywhere near her! Let alone stroked her!!! Ugh I would've absolutely panicked being stuck next to a puker! I can't even look after the children when they are sick. Strange people's vomit is somehow even more disgusting! I found out it has a name recently, emetophobia - fear of vomit/vommitting

ValancyJane · 15/12/2015 06:32

I was once really upset on a train, properly hysterical. A lady gave me her tissues and one of the train workers got me a bottle of water from first class for free. I've never forgotten how kind they were!

onecurrantbun1 · 15/12/2015 06:57

I saw a woman with a toddler of about 2 who was having an almighty strop about getting in the car. Once my own kids were safely in the car I noticed the woman was crying so i gave her a hug (and my last Freddo I was saving for with my cuppa at naptime!) I hope I did the right thing.

Don't know that I would've done so if she'd had a partner with her, kind of would have felt a bit like intruding,"especially if they were in the middle of a row.

Chimchar · 15/12/2015 07:11

I saw a lady once on a busy high St. She had just obviously had a devastating phonecall. She was walking in a patch of pavement around and around sort of sobbing 'oh God, Oh No'. people were crossing the road to avoid her. It was really distressing. I went to her and asked her if I could help...she flung her arms around me and just sobbed and sobbed. She told me her best friend had just committed suicide. we talked for a while and had a few more hugs. She calmed down enough to find her car, and thanked me, and I left. I cried all the way home. This lady's pain was so clear, and she was so grateful. I still think about her.

Last year, I sat alone on the well lit steps of our local cathedral crying. I'm not at all religious but I find it a very calming place. It was quite late in the night and I had walked there whilst trying to clear my head after a dreadful few weeks. About four or five Vicar type people (all dressed in long gowns)passed me, and every one of them completely blanked me. I wasn't looking for help or comfort from them, but I felt sad that they obviously were more interested in getting home than helping someone who was clearly alone and upset.

To everyone who has had the kindness of a stranger, I hope you are all in a better place now. To those who are the helpers,

Incidentally, this whole thread has made me cry!

Jw35 · 15/12/2015 07:13

These stories have made me cry! For those who think a hug from a stranger is awful I think I'll risk it from now on and give crying people a hug! Or maybe just a hand on their shoulder or something so they know they're not alone! By the way though, I sometimes cry when reading a book about something sad or a cute memory so not everyone is distressed! Although I expect the difference is probably obvious!

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/12/2015 07:33

This thread is making me cry, too. 😥

I was at the airport three months ago, catching a flight home to say goodbye to my Dad in hospital, and was crying. Not sobbing, but unstoppable tears streaming.

I was grateful that everyone left me alone, as I hate being made a fuss off, and I would had to have done the whole sobbing, fake reassuring laughing, 'don't worry, I'm fine, I'm fine!' hand-wavy thing, which is never a great look.

On the flip side, if I was sitting across from someone clearly crying or upset, it would really upset me in turn, and I'd feel completely helpless.

bittapitta · 15/12/2015 07:45

Last time I cried in public transport (in the summer) a stranger handed me a bottle of water and a tissue. It made me cry more at his kindness, I wish I could somehow thank him properly, it was a shit day and I was desperate to get home. A hug would have been too invasive but the kind gesture was more than enough.

Pranmasghost · 15/12/2015 08:01

My most memorable hug from a stranger wasn't in public. It was in a hotel room 10 years ago. I had just finished chemo/radiotherapy for breast cancer. I was bald, sick and exhausted but had forced myself to go to a two day meeting which would guarantee me some work later in the year. I had taken my wig off and lay down to rest when there was a knock on the door.
It was the chambermaid. I realised I had forgotten to put my wig on and I burst into tears of embarrassment and distress.
She put her arms round me, led me into the room and just sat beside me for a few minutes.
Her name was Bonnie and she worked in the Renaissance Hotel in Manchester. I will never forget her kindness to a complete stranger. I wrote to the hotel when I left complimenting her on her caring and had a lovely letter back saying they had made her employee of the month.

Krampus · 15/12/2015 08:08

I'm the type of person that wouldn't like being hugged or asked what is wrong. If I am trying to hold it together enough to get home it would be the event that would make me break down into a non functioning heap

It's a little like if you're crying when you hurt yourself and then people keep asking you what is wrong. I internally growl that I can speak because I'm in too much pain, let me concentrate on dealing with that please. If that makes any sense

On the other hand someone sitting by me, offering tissues and asking if there is anything they can do is nice. I have done it to someone in their early 20s early one morning at a train station. The one thing I could do was make sure they were safe, could get home and had a cup of tea.

Rinceoir · 15/12/2015 08:38

I'm with those who wouldn't like it. I cried in public once in my adult life- I was flying a few hours after finishing a busy 36 hour shift in a hospital, and I had been caring for a young woman who died tragically. I obviously had to hold it together speaking to her partner and family as well as the countless other patients I had to look after. I went straight to the airport after work and almost missed my flight. When I sat down I burst into tears. A kind lady beside me asked if I wanted to talk, and I said no thank you. I appreciated the gesture but if she had hugged me I know it would have made me even more uncomfortable.

Roussette · 15/12/2015 09:10

To all those who don't like anyone approaching you, can't stand anyone asking if you're OK or offering tissues, please be kind in your rejection. The kindness of humanity is wonderful and do we all really want to go around in our own little bubble ignoring those in pain? I'd hate to think that those who want to help others feel uncomfortable and stop doing it.

I had some bad news once and I was due at the hairdressers. I thought I would be OK but I wasn't. I was just silent crying, and the girl who does my hair didn't ask, didn't do anything too much, it was just a quiet acknowledgement that I was hurting. She just offered me a cuppa and did my hair in a corner of the salon where no-one could see me. I shall never forget her sensitive kindness.

Pran what a heartwarming story. There's some wonderful kind human beings out there.

Fugghetaboutit · 15/12/2015 09:27

Pran that's set me off I hope you're ok now

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 15/12/2015 09:36

I would ask someone what the matter was if they were alone. I would see how they responded and if it was positive give them a hug. If there was actually some sort of argument or threat I might intervene. It's hard to judge in these situations, because sometimes you might just make it worse for them when they get home.

But I wouldn't have intervened in this situation. It doesn't look like the man was doing anything wrong besides not consoling her. Not necessarily abuse. What if they'd had a big bust up because she'd spent all the kids Christmas money on gambling or been caught sleeping with his best mate?

Rinceoir · 15/12/2015 10:01

Oh I wouldn't mind being approached, just not hugged!

Helmetbymidnight · 15/12/2015 10:20

Yes- approach good, all that body contact- not so much

VulvaVoom · 15/12/2015 10:23

I was put in a room after the just been told my pregnancy was ectopic recently and there was another couple in there. DH had to go off to make some calls and I just sat there, devastated and stunned. I so wanted to be alone and could feel their awkwardness. I don't think I'd have appreciated a hug but a kind word maybe. Having said that, not sure I would have done if it was the other way around.

waitingforsomething · 15/12/2015 10:27

Poor lady. I was crying in the emergency doctors waiting room on Saturday - very very ill and an elderly lady gave me a hug. It was lovely and made me cry more but it was still so kind.

Naoko · 15/12/2015 12:48

A member of the cabin crew was incredibly kind to me once when I had a huge panic attack on a plane. I couldn't breathe, couldn't stop crying and felt like I was going to throw up. She got me water, and some cold wet facecloths to help the airsickness and wipe the tears, and just crouched in the aisle and talked to me while I tried to get a grip. It was so kind. Everyone says Delta Airlines are terrible but they were really good to me.

VicWillia · 15/12/2015 14:42

I've cried in public a couple times. First time, a lovely man came and sat next to me on the bench and talked to me. It was good to talk to him and its not something I've ever forgotten. However, the second time was on a bus and I was totally ignored but tbh I preferred that.

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