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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have wanted to give the crying lady a hug

126 replies

Whataboutreindeer · 14/12/2015 17:45

On the jubilee line this afternoon and there was a woman with what I assume were her partner and child in a pram. She was crying and I kept catching her eye, it was awful. I just wanted to give her a hug. I had my baby in a sling and it was the underground so she was safe from my unsolicited advances, but I really wanted to give her some support. I felt awful for what must have looked like staring, she was just in my eye line and it was pretty unavoidable. I hope she is ok and doesn't feel gawped at.

OP posts:

Motherinlawsdung · 14/12/2015 19:33

You are a kind person OP. There's probably nothing you could have done, especially as she wasn't on her own. I've been in the situation of sitting alone crying on a train, just looking out of the window, because my child had cancer. I've never forgotten a very young man leaning over to ask if I was all right. There was nothing he could do and I couldn't speak, but I will never forget the fact that he cared enough to ask. I imagine the woman you saw will have appreciated your obvious concern, even though you couldn't help her.

mygrandchildrenrock · 14/12/2015 19:38

This summer, a young adult woman got on the train and started crying and was very distraught. She said she couldn't do it and everyone ignored her. I got up and offered her my seat, she sat down and I rubbed her arm. I gave her a tissue and asked if she was alright. She explained it was crowds that terrified her and the train was crowded, she hated being so near people. I apologised if rubbing her arm was the last thing that would have helped her but she said no it was fine. She was going to visit her Nana and we chatted for a few minutes until she sort of calmed down. When she got off the train she thanked me.
I would hate to think one of my adult DC would be that upset and no-one would offer to help them.

winterswan · 14/12/2015 19:42

The flip side of this coin is that sometimes people do wish to be left alone and it can be very uncomfortable fending people off.

I flew to France this summer and the flight was a turbulent one and I was sick (into a bag) and although I was obviously vomiting I was otherwise fine but the people either side of me kept asking if I was all right, rubbing my back, giving me tissues. It was very sweet and I appreciated the gesture but I'd have been happier left to chunder in peace! Likewise I would personally be uncomfortable with strangers hugging me unless in very exceptional circumstances.

metimeisforwimps · 14/12/2015 19:47

I got a phone call while on a train to tell me a good friend had been killed in a car accident. I was distraught and everyone just gawped, didn't know what to do with myself so got off at the next stop and walked. If I had seen someone that upset I hope I would have tried to help. Difficult to get involved in a domestic though op.

Garlick · 14/12/2015 19:51

Nishky, I don't think you'd have called me a girl 20 years ago so I'm glad it wasn't me! I've been told I'm smirking when I'm doing a sympathetic face Maybe she didn't have it in for you at all ... ?

HermioneWeasley · 14/12/2015 19:55

IGotAPea your stepmother sounds like one of the worst people I have ever heard of - what a stone cold self centred bitch. I hope you have nothing to do with her now.

And hoping that the lovely lady who gave you a hug finds a tenner in her pocket that she'd forgotten about.

Fatrascals · 14/12/2015 19:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/12/2015 19:56

It's a difficult call to make. I have been known to cry in public but it's one of those situations where I am relieved to be left alone. I would far rather nobody acknowledged it, but that might just be me! I would also be a bit panicked by someone giving me a hug - I hate being touched.

So there's no right or wrong, although I agree with pp that staring isn't helpful!

EvaBING · 14/12/2015 20:01

I lost my job in April and bawled my eyes out on tube home. A man opposite me and a woman beside me, both offered me tissues. I thought no-one could see me!

They didn't say anything, just proffered the tissues. I wouldn't have been capable of speaking anyway.

It meant the world to me.

Kindness costs nothing. You don't have to hug someone as that can feel quite intrusive, but just a tissue being offered is the kindest thing.

marcopront · 14/12/2015 20:04

I'll never forget the lady in Durham Cathedral cafe who gave me a hug and asked if I was alright after she saw me arguing with my ex.

GoApeShit · 14/12/2015 20:08

to those who have shared sad stories on this thread. I'd give every one of you a big fat squeeze.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 14/12/2015 20:10

Sometimes a stranger is a bloody hero. When husband no.1 was beating me unconscious in public ( city centre ) lots of young able people walked past. Others just watched and whispered. One elderly gent, seriously about 60 apparently intervened and physically attacked exh to drag him off me. He ended up with a broken jaw I never met him ( was out cold ) I found out from the case going to court. If you're out there, bless you, you brave man. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes getting involved is spot on

CuttedUpPear · 14/12/2015 20:16

Thanks Fatrascals he is indeed long gone and he doesn't bother with his son much either so it's a relief never to see him. But it took a long time to shake myself out of that relationship so I have great respect for anyone struggling to leave a DV/EA relationship.

Potatoface2 · 14/12/2015 20:26

igotapea...thats terribly sad for you....

CoffeeChocolateWine · 14/12/2015 20:27

About 4 years ago, I got on the tube having just had received some heart-breaking news and the tube was busy so I couldn't sit down. I was stood up and suddenly couldn't stop tears from pouring down my cheeks. I felt quite embarrassed but couldn't help it so I just tried to avoid looking at people and most people tried to avoid looking at me. But one lovely lady stood up and put her hand on my shoulder and said "you need this seat more than me" and helped me sit down. I thanked her and really really meant it. I'd just found out I was miscarrying my baby and that random act of kindness from a stranger meant so much. Will never forget it.

Judydreamsofhorses · 14/12/2015 20:30

As a little girl I was out with my gran and she stumbled and fell over in the street - she had terrible arthritis and couldn't get up, and loads of people walked past, some tutting that she was drunk (she wasn't) and in charge of a small child, what a disgrace. I vividly remember the two very flamboyantly dressed punks, both young men, who picked her up and helped her. 30 years on it still makes me teary, especially because she pretty much stopped going out with me or my sister/cousins without another adult after that - she was too scared of falling and embarrassed about being thought drunk. (She was teetotal!) Sometimes the kindness of strangers is so important.

IGotAPea · 14/12/2015 20:33

IGotAPea your stepmother sounds like one of the worst people I have ever heard of - what a stone cold self centred bitch. I hope you have nothing to do with her now.

I went no contact a few months after the funeral, for reasons that are a mile long and I was making myself genuinely ill. best thing I ever did tbh, and my brother has done the same recently, he's tried for years with her but she makes it very difficult and still gives him abuse over Facebook and voicemail.

I know stepmums get a rough deal, but my dad's third wife was always cold and mean towards us growing up, and it hurt that my Dad allowed it, after he died she really ramped up, her last rant to brother was that dad didn't want us and left a large amount of money to her son (not his son) as he loved him more, and that she got hundreds of thousands, which her son will also inherit. I don't give a shit if it's true, I'm perfectly happy with my life, nit rich but I'm happy and content, more than can say for herself. But it's really hurt my brother as he was close to dad and her son (who's also been a twat). He's hurt that dad has either left him out, or that his wife and stepbrother have tried to hurt him by lying. He's better off without them too and he will realise it soon enough and not feel guilt.

MimsyBorogroves · 14/12/2015 20:33

It's difficult to know what to do, especially in domestics.

Years ago I ended up sitting on the London Embankment bawling my eyes out. A nice couple came up to me, and the girl asked me what was wrong. I explained that my partner had just ended our relationship, run off with our house keys into the distance to spend the weekend with the girl with whom he was having a long distance affair, and I was going to have to spend the next who knows how log sitting there as I now had no home, and no money to get anywhere or do anything (as he'd taken my debit card). They both backed off slowly and walked away, so I guessed they wished they hadn't asked.

Hoppinggreen · 14/12/2015 20:40

IT is hard to know what to do, there was a case locally where a young woman was killed after trying to intervene in a domestic dispute outside a pub and I know of another case where a man was badly beaten by both parties when he tried to protect a woman from her abusive boyfriend.
I would offer a tissue etc in some of the circumstances other people have described but I'm a very private person and I would be absolutely horrified if a stranger touched me. A hug would be awful for me (I know possibly not for others).

HermioneWeasley · 14/12/2015 20:40

pea yes, there's only one way to deal with poisonous people like that. for you and your brother

Nishky · 14/12/2015 20:46

Garlick I don't think she was being sympathetic, she clearly thought it was funny.

DickDewy · 14/12/2015 20:46

For balance, not everyone would welcome a stranger's involvement. I have never done it, but I am pretty sure that if I were crying in public, I would want very much to be left alone or else consoled by someone I actually knew. It's a very vulnerable position to be in.

I would hate, hate a stranger to approach me if I was upset. Being hugged by a random person would be just awful to me and it would be a massive intrusion.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 14/12/2015 20:47

When I was in the convoluted process of breaking up with a Bad Ex, we once had a quiet and tearless awkward cup of tea in a cafe somewhere (due to meet her family shortly afterwards so were killing time).

When she went to the toilet, the bloke at the next table wordlessly slipped a couple of origami flowers onto the table in front of me, mouthed "you'll be OK" at me and left. It was an unexpectedly soothing gesture at a really shit time in my life.

notasingle, that's horrific. Thank goodness for the man who intervened.

BifsWif · 14/12/2015 21:09

That's awful notasingle

My husband and I once saw a man beating his girlfriend as we walked home from our local pub. We ran over an intervened and my husband was seriously injured by the man involved. I was in such a state I couldn't dial 999 and although we were in a residential area at 10pm on, not one person came to help. I couldn't have screamed any louder, they must have heard me. Eventually some men having a cigarette outside the pub we had left heard me and came running down.

We saw the couple involved walking hand in hand the next week.

I'll never intervene again if I see something similar, I'd call the police from a safe distance instead.

imip · 14/12/2015 21:19

Just over 9 years ago, I sat in a local churchyard - a thoroughfare from the local hospital to bus/train station/high street bawling my eyes out. In Jan of 2006, I'd lost my first dd, who was stillborn. I was almost 9 months pregnant again with a risky pregnancy and the consultant refused to induce me before 40 weeks despite having a problem with my placenta. I was so throughly devastated, our odds of losing our next dd were put at 20%, and I just wanted her out while she was still alive.

I cried my heart out, and many people stopped to offer me assistance. I didn't want them to talk to me though, I just felt so completely beside myself with all the stress and grief. It was very kind of them to offer to help though and I will never forget it....

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