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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have wanted to give the crying lady a hug

126 replies

Whataboutreindeer · 14/12/2015 17:45

On the jubilee line this afternoon and there was a woman with what I assume were her partner and child in a pram. She was crying and I kept catching her eye, it was awful. I just wanted to give her a hug. I had my baby in a sling and it was the underground so she was safe from my unsolicited advances, but I really wanted to give her some support. I felt awful for what must have looked like staring, she was just in my eye line and it was pretty unavoidable. I hope she is ok and doesn't feel gawped at.

OP posts:
Luxyelectro · 15/12/2015 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 15:11

Jw35 If you decide to 'risk' it, that's fine, just be aware that you may not be helping and in fact may be making the situation unintentionally worse.

Roussette I would think most people who don't like the hugging wouldn't intend to be unkind or impolite.

You are all really kind and it shows that humanity is not dead! But I honestly think that it would be better for you to approach the person and speak to them first.

Over the past few weeks I have had major crying fits (think 6 or 7 hours) so it isn't practical to hide away in that time - I keep my head down but I'm terrified that someone will try to hug me. I couldn't guarantee that I would be polite even though I would like to be. I don't do physical contact with anyone so it would really bother me.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 19:58

Please don't do as luxyelectro says and swear off all public hugging because I am the total opposite and love being shown any sort of affection from anyone !
I think it would be such a shame if nobody hugged anyone any more incase they might come across an autistic person!
I will continue to give out hugs and if someone was autistic and didnt want to be hugged, then I'd prise myself off them !
Hugging is great, someone can tell you if they'd prefer you didn't but I'm sure most people would like it.
Whenever I hug people they like it and I do too

winterswan · 15/12/2015 19:59

Good grief. You don't have to be autistic to not want strangers hugging you Hmm

How about politely showing concern, offering tissues, but not invading personal space?

Rinceoir · 15/12/2015 20:03

I don't have autism, I just don't like hugging people I don't know. Some people are very tactile, others are not!

Helmetbymidnight · 15/12/2015 20:21

Only those in the circle of trust may hug me...

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 20:21

Sure, but there's no need to stop offering altogether just because some wouldnt appreciate it. How about autistic/non tactile people just say if they'd rather not? Seems a shame for people who are the opposite to never be offered a hug because people fear offending someone

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:24

Don't most people teach their DC that their bodies are their own - why bother if you are just going to maul complete strangers? It does no harm to approach and speak to someone - if you decide to hug them regardless of whether they want you to, don't then ask us to be polite about it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/12/2015 20:25

Oh for heaven's sake, playnicely! Grin

I normally loved being hugged - hug and kiss friends hello and goodbye, and am a tactile person.

I just would not necessarily want a hug from a stranger when I was dealing with a personal upset.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:26

Playnicely So are we supposed to walk down the street saying 'don't hug me' in case some random stranger decides to invade our personal space? You think you are being caring but you happily put someone in a position where they could feel incredibly uncomfortable because you know they will enjoy it?

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 20:26

Oh yes it doesn't fit with the underwear rule etc that children are taught in schools. I pulled mine out for that though, so hugging strangers is in line with my parenting Grin

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:27

And it's not about offending someone - I can deal with being offended. It's about making someone feel sick that someone has invaded their personal space at a time when they are already upset. But hey, don't let other people's feelings get in the way of you doing a good turn!

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 20:29

I suppose I feel the risk of potentially offending someone is worth the positive feelings I get and feel I have given. But I can't Imagine how it would feel being on the other side. I think the people who would be really angry or upset about it are probably few and far between

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:29

I'm not talking about the underwear rule and I think you know that. It's bodily autonomy. Nobody has the right to touch me and I don't have the right to touch anyone else.

Doublebubblebubble · 15/12/2015 20:30

I cant help but ask people if they are alright if I see them in distress... More often than not I do get told to f off or that they are fine but i just cant help myself.... I hope that she is alright x

winterswan · 15/12/2015 20:31

Play, Im finding your posts very strange.

But actually you are right about one thing, that men comforting young distressed women by hugging them would not be seen as the done thing.

Hugging people is something you are doing for your benefit. It is rare, I would think, someone would want a hug from a total complete stranger - the only exception I can think of is after everyone witnessing something awful (9/11 comes to mind here, where the reporter hugged a crying woman) but if you were struggling to hold it together in public for whatever reason, many MANY people would not want to be hugged by someone they don't know and that isn't an odd or peculiar thought.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:31

You talk about the positive feelings you have and feel you have given. So it's not about the person you are comforting, it's to make you feel better! If you approach someone and speak to them and still feel it's appropriate, go for it. But as you are trying to make someone feel better, read the signals, rather than just diving in!

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 20:31

I think you're probably in the minority there livia. Sorry that you feel that way though. Most people release oxy something and seretinon after 6 seconds of hugging. Nausea must be a horrid side affect!

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 20:33

It certainly is my aim to help someone, but I don't think I'll have much luck explaining that to you as we seem to be quite opposite personalities

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:34

It is a horrid side effect but hey, you go ahead and hug strangers - it's not like their feelings matter.

winterswan · 15/12/2015 20:35

I feel exactly the same as livia and I am tactile with people I know well but would be very uncomfortable with those I don't know hugging me.

You do seem to be assuming since you are OK with it, everyone should be and its your way or the highway.

Helmetbymidnight · 15/12/2015 20:37

Yes I'm tactile with my inner sanctum but if you hug me unrequited I will go stiff as a board until you stop.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:37

winter But it makes Playnicely feel better so that's okay!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/12/2015 20:38

Actually serious question Playnicely - how would to react if you did that and someone told you to sod off?

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 20:40

Sorry I've made you so angry livia, I'm sure it won't come to anything though, you'd probably make it quite clear you wouldn't want to be approached so dont worry too much