HELP..... no help from parents!

[pinky77]

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

Your mums done her time with kids!

I had it when people expect their parents to do free childcare, they are your children your problem!

I would hate to burden my mums retirement with my childcare.

So what if she does your sisters she obviously got in there first.

If you want your children to have a relationship with the their grandparents then that is a different issue.

Do you invite them round to you? Do you invite them on days out? Do you go round to see them?

If not, why not?

My assumption here is that your sister's children are all school age?

There's a huge difference between watching three children before/after school and caring for 3 children under 5. Your parents are older now than they were when Sister's children were toddlers/preschool age. I'm 60 and I could to the before/after school and/or care for 1 toddler/preschooler, but caring for three under 5 for 8 - 10 hours? No.

My parents were able to do much more for my DS1 during his 'preschool years' than they could for DS2. They were almost 6 years older, DS2 was much more 'boisterous', and my father's ill health in the intervening years made the difference in the amount of time they could spend with him and the activities they could do.

If your concern is that your parents aren't as close to your children as you'd like them to be, you can do something about that. We did more things as a family and had my parents over more for DS2 as it was easier for them as we were there to help Mum with Dad, whereas with DS1 they were more likely to fetch him for outings or to theirs. If your concern is strictly for providing you with free childcare, YABU.

Just to add my MIL did the childcare for her other grandchildren. She is now much older which is another thing to think about.

How selfish can children be. The mum has already brought up the OP. So OP should not help mum in old age because she didn't get as much help as the sister who had children 8 yrs ago so the mum was younger.

And they are not refusing to help. OP has grandparent for emergency cover, for parents meeting , doctors appointments and they pick up one of her children 3 days a week every week from nursery.

8 yrs is a long time ago - health deteriorates with age, energy levels flag. Also, the reality of 3 under 5 year olds is maybe clearer having committed to doing it once! No wonder she doesn't want to look after 6 kids 3 days a week - I bloody wouldn't WANT to do it either.
I get that you feel hard done by (and skint!), but to be brutal - it's just a quirk of timing and you need to suck it up.

Just reading through the messages and some valid points and many questions. So firstly yes absolutely we considered chilcare costs as even with grandparents help etc you don't know what is round the corner.
I suppose I,m looking at it from the perspective of fairness and having 3 children I will try to help them all out when they need it. I am certainly not saying she should look after all 3 kids but considering my sister has the option of after school care at a very low rate you'd think she would give my Mum a rest or a bit of free time. Basically I'm the person that organises occasions/presents etc for my Mum and go out of my way.My sister just leaves it to me, she isn't the most considerate and my mum acknowledged that if she didn't mind my nephews she would barely see them also she's perhaps not the most maternal lsister therefore my mother feels she has to compensate for the sake of the kids. However meanwhile should my kids miss out because of this?
The only time there was a bit of a heated argument was when the topic of caring for mum n dad when they're older, my sister said with her "career" it would be impossible and it would probably fall on myself! Now regardless of the current situation I would do my upmost within my circumstances to do as much care but I said angry to my sister " Well since she's brought your kids up perhaps you'd just have to cut back on work" to which she replied, "I couldn't give up what I've worked so hard for" which I thought was a flipping joke and so selfish. I have to say this whole childcare arrangement is just simmering under the surface and I don't know whether to just suck it up or broach the subject?

You told your sister that she wasn't bringing her children up? Will you stop bringing your children up when you go back to work, then?

Mum shouldn't be obliged to do any childcare which if was the case I would think she could help out in other areas or at least see the children or have them stay over once in a while etc.

She's not obliged to help you at all! She owes you nothing. She raised you and by the sounds of things spoiled you a bit too so she's done more than she had to.

How do you reckon the childcare your mum provided allowed your sister to "progress through her career to a high level", exactly? Anymore than not having unpaid childcare should necessarily hinder your career progression...
Most people have to shell out for nursery; you were most unwise to have 3 under 5 without factoring the cost into your decision.

FM id imagine the same way that many SAHP who provide childcare for their dp progresses the partners career. Its disingenuous to suggest otherwise. Isnt that one of the main reasons that SAHP dont walk away empty handed in divorces? because its recognised that their role in looking after children played a vital role in allowing the other to progress their careers?

Tbh if you told me I wasn't bringing my kids up because I work and mum helped me with childcare I would have told you to fuck off.

Why is your mum picking your child up 3 days a week?

So OP should not help mum in old age because she didn't get as much help as the sister who had children 8 yrs ago so the mum was younger.

Exactly this!!!!

Your mum provides before and after school care 4 days a week for your sister and you call that "bringing up her kids"? So anyone who uses a breakfast club and afterschool
Club is having their Dc brought up by someone else?

Anyway, its painfully obvious this goes much deeper than a need for childcare. You have some serious sibljng rivalry issues that for whatever reason didnt end with your teenage years. Time to grow up. "Its not fair" gets boring very quickly and isnt cute in adults. Get over any perceived wrong doings of your sister and make the decision just to be an adult independant of what she or your mother does. Arrange and pay for your own childcare, build your career and get on with your life. Or keep building resentment of your sister. Whatever. It makes no odds to any of us but i can tell which will be a happier existence for you.

isnt it the fact that the dm is still helping the dsis out now over and above the op?

So just to reiterate to everyone...yes we did factor in the cost of childcare however with a combined income of £60,000 nearly a fifth of this on childcare of course it is something we would like to lower. also nursery is open until 6pm and of course it hinders your career if you've to be back for that deadline. What would be a great help is that on a seldom occasion when stuck in office I could could call on mother to pick up and mind for an hour but of course she is with the other 3 grandkids until 7/8?!
So seriously ppl who are saying suck it up etc. Would you be completely fine with the differences being made and not at all resentful. I love all the comments of your mums done her bit etc..... yeh shes done her bit for one person not me. I've done my bit for my Mum more than anytime she needs something it's me she comes to and I'm starting to really feel like well why don't you go to my sister and I do not want to be feeling like that towards my mother! However by this unfair treatment whether intentional or by not broaching the subject with my sister she has created it. So really by me just shutting up I will still be feeling this way if not worse!

Looking after 3 under 5 all day is hugely different to 3 school age children. You can surely understand why they wouldn't want to go back to the hard work that is full time childcare of young children? You don't seem grateful that your mum already picks your child up from nursery and does do emergency childcare.

id say that trying to ignore it and pretend that your mother is not giving your sister preferential treatment would never work, especially if it is you that your dm relies upon for help, and that it is blatantly obvious that there is preferential treatment towards your sister. I would suggest accepting that you are not going to get any more help from your dm but point your dm in your sisters direction most some of the time that she is asking you for favours. Life is give and take and it works both ways.

All you can do is speak to your parents and say that you find it hurtful because it feels like favouritism and that they make time for her kids and not yours.

It does really hurt when you ask for half a day a week in some of the school hols and get told no whilst the other sibling is helped out an awful lot and for us it wasn't about the childcare it was about our dc getting the opportunity to build a relationship with the grandparents

Eight years ago your mother was eight years younger. It sounds as if she's now only doing before and after school for your sister - plus, of course, nursery pick-up for you 3 times a week.

If I were her, I'd be v wary of committing myself to another how many ? years, full-time ?, for you. She knows what a hard grind it is looking after small children when you're not a spring chicken any more.

It feels unfair to you, but really it's swings and roundabouts when it comes to birth order. You may well have benefited in the past from being younger than your sister. But, unfair or not, your mother may well not be physically able to give you the same amount of child-care as your sister got. The poor woman sounds run off her feet.

But she's also done her bit for you OP. She collects your child three days a week from nursery. She has filled in for doctors appointments and parents evenings. She has also brought YOU up.

I've never said this on MN before, but you sound horribly entitled.

I love all the comments of your mums done her bit etc..... yeh shes done her bit for one person not me.

Err no! Her 'bit' was raising you! So yeah she has done her bit for you. Maybe done a bit too much going by your sense of entitlement to her time!

Well as a working mum with limited help from my parents, I know I will go above and beyond to help my own children should they have children when they grow up and if they want me to. It is tough working and having that help would make a massive difference to me. I envy those who do. YANBU.

And actually she alteady does 3 days a week childcare for you so you are getting "your bit". Bloody ungrateful if ever i saw it.