HELP..... no help from parents!

[pinky77]

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

Sorry, I think YABU and don't recognise how lucky you are to a) have such cheap childcare and b) have your mum already picking one child up from nursery three days a week.

Which children your DM cares for is completely up to her.

For comparison - full time nursery care for one child would cost me £850 a month, hence why DS only goes two days a week. We have no help from parents at all, which IME is very usual.

Your sister is a disgrace.

Meant to add...... you may need to delay your return to work until you can make arrangements for childcare that does not involve your DM.

Wrap around care is different to looking after children all day.

Also looking after 3 kids under 5, would be very tiring. I know many older people would struggle to do this.

It's hard but possibly your mum is finding it hard too after 8 years and is not in a position to do more. And fairness or not, I'm not sure it's realistic to expect her to dump her current responsibilities to take on your children. Especially when those responsibilities are actual human beings who are settled in their childcare.

I so get that you feel hurt to be treated differently, but asking anyone to look after 3 under 5s week in, week out is a huge ask. The fact she already does it doesn't diminish that, it makes it harder.

FWIW we found there are a lot of compromises in asking family to be your day to day childcare. The grass isn't always as green as it looks.

Why don't you just ask her, talk of shared time, otherwise your sisters kids will know her so much better. Ask her outright? She won't know your financial situation.

'YABVVU to expect your DM to care for your kids because it is 'your turn'.'

It does sound like a teenager's response.

think it's really poor form of GPs not to recognise that if they help one sibling, then they should also help the others

Disagree. I've worked hard all my life and brought up two kids as a single parent. If it fits my lifestyle at the time I'll help my DCs with their kids, if it doesn't I won't.

I was one of 5. Had my DPs looked after our kids they would have been childminding for 30 years.

It's up to parents to manage childcare. There should be no expectation that their parents give up their time to cover.

How old are the sister's children though?

Today 16:30 M48294Y

Your sister is a disgrace.

why? What is she doing that OP isnt wanting for herself? If the sister is a disgrace then OP must be too as she would be doing the same if her mother agreed.

guessing mum has now had enough. Tough on the OP but them's the breaks, I'm afraid. Grandparent childcare is a bonus, not a right.

no, it isn't 'fair' but that's life for you. Sorry, but you'll need to make other arrangements which you presumably considered before having kids.

m48 why is her sister 'a disgrace' though?

OP hasn't spelled out exactly what amount of childcare she'd ideally like from her parents, but her sister is taking the absolute p! Big style. 8 years of childcare for 3 children?? Surely that is miserable for op's mum?

So your mum does a couple of hrs before school & a couple of hours after?

What hrs do you think that she should you for you?

Of course she doesn't owe you both the same imo.

My youngest is ten yrs younger than my niece, so parity was never going to happen!

No, they are at school all day. And it's over 4 days

And presumably the mum agreed or offered

Depends if the relationship is an honest and open one, where the GP has always felt able to draw a line when she wants to.

OP hasn't spelled out exactly what amount of childcare she'd ideally like from her parents, but her sister is taking the absolute p! Big style. 8 years of childcare for 3 children?? Surely that is miserable for op's mum?

Again, where is the disgraceful part? Also, OP hasnt spelled out what she is after but i'm guessing returning to work means at least part time so thats what the childcare would consist of, at least. Which is exactly what her sister is currently getting. So, whats the difference?

Sorry m48 I still do t see how her sister is 'taking the absolute p'

When grandparents help out there is always problems.

Is it fair, that she has your sisters kids and not yours...not really.

Would it be fair if your sister had io reduce her hours since you have decided you don't want to be sahm anymore? Not really.

Is fair that your mum is looking after children 4 days a week when she has already raised hers? Not really.

My mum had my dd one day a week at her request, while I worked. The rest of the time she was in nursery or with me or dh. She didn't have my son at all. When dd was 9, my dbro had his first.

So mum was nearly a decade older and had suffered ill health. She was no longer having dd.

Dbro kept insisting it was only fair that she had his children (they now have 2 under 2) one day a week too. Except his wife is a sahm and her mum has them 2 days.

Even mum does have them they are always asking for favours. Like can mum go sit with the kids so sil can go to the supermarket.

Mum has had to put a stop to it. It's too much but all dbro can say is 'that's not fair' but our situations were different. Mums healthy was different. Fair and equal aren't always the same.

It's seems to me that once a parent offers to help with childcare they put themselves in the middle of a tug of war between their kids.

What if your mum decides to make it completely fair and look after no ones children?

I would feel protective of my mum's free time/ space to have time for her own life if she'd already given 8 years of help when presumably already raised you and your sister and wonderful as parenting is it can be tiring.
I totally get the feeling of inequality but I think your mum is being forgotten in the face of everyone else's 'needs'.

There are differences in treatment it seems, but I don't know how you raise it without looking spoiled/entitled. We have taken lifestyle and income hits to have one parent at home. We would never expect our parents to pick up any responsibility for our children (and they have always made it clear they won't). Three times a week nursery collection is way more than my parents have done and they live locally, as do my partner's. I am guessing you chose to have three children.

If the relationship between you, your sister and your mum is ok, could you arrange a time to sit down and discuss it?

It's important to know what your parents are be happy with. It maybe that they're shattered after 8 years of looking after your sister's kids and don't want to continue providing any/as much care.

If they do want to help out could your sister get other childcare some of the time, so your DPs can spend time with and do a bit of care for your little ones?

I don't have this issue as Ive only got the one dd, but in the same position, I'd not want to favour one family over another. I would also find looking after 3 kids some of the time and 3 at other times, absolutely knackering and with the best will in the world, wouldn't be up to offering as much as your parents have been doing.

I think a calm discussion is the way to go if everyone gets on ok.

There are loads of reasons why your dm cant look after yours including the fact she is older now and might just be able to cope with school age which is very kind of her as she doesnt have to. Yabu to expect free childcare.

It does seem a bit unfair. But at least you have a mother to give some help. Some people have to rely on paid child care and reciprocal arrangements with friends.