HELP..... no help from parents!

[pinky77]

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

I think it is a difficult one. I can see why you feel it is unfair- I suppose in some ways it is because your sister has had a lot of support from your parents which it looks like you won't be getting. It's a shame, but maybe there is a good reason for this. Circumstances change and what can be offered is not always fair to everyone.

However, look at it from your parents' point of view- can they realistically look after all the grandchildren most days of the week? I think that it is unrealistic to expect them to do so. So it follows, therefore, that you are expecting her to change the arrangement she has with your sister. Maybe she doesn't want to suddenly withdraw a long-standing agreement between them to suit you? Maybe the fact that they are away at school all day now is what allows her to cope, and she feels she will struggle to look after 3 under 5's now (whether or not she coped with a number of little one's before may not be relevant)? Maybe she enjoys having your neices/nephews and doesn't want to change the arrangement. Have you asked her?

I think if you want help you are going to have to ask for it, rather than hinting. You would not be unreasonable to ask, but I think you really have to be prepared for her to say no, or to offer for less than you would like in an ideal world.

I think if having 3 children and going back to work was contingent on your parents providing the childcare when you went back to work, then you should have discussed it with them in advance rather than assuming they would be fine with it because they help your sister. It would be great if they would help, but surely you had a plan b?

My parents do quite a lot of childcare for me and have done so since DD was quite small. They do a lot less for my DB's family. This is partly due to distance but also because it was a long-standing arrangement between us (made after ex-H and I split as I work shifts). DM would not rearrange this and cause me significant difficulties with childcare (due to my shift work) in order to help DB (although would obviously help in an emergency). Maybe your mum feels this way too?

I guess what I am trying to say is that your mum will struggle to be "fair" to you both. She may wish to honour a long-standing agreement with your sister, or may not feel able to cope with 3 under 5's. I don't mean to be harsh, and I can see why it stings, but I think your mum is a no-win situation.

My DM made it easy. She just said no. Emergencies and the odd day in school hols but just no to regular childcare. So your 3 days a week pick up looks pretty good to me.
I wouldn't have had DC without budgeting for their childcare. It cost us £1k a month for two.
I will never understand grandparents who wish to spend their retirement babysitting, or who do not wish to but won't speak up.

I can understand you feeling upset at being treated differently, however your mother is older now than she was when she first started looking after your sister's children and I'd imagine she finds it a lot more tiring now.

You have to do your childcare sums before deciding how many children to have and work on the assumption of no family care. This is why we have to stick at one as much as I'd have like more.

You sound really entitled, surely you thought about childcare arrangements before you had three children under 5 - yes, of course it might be 'nice' if your parents helped out but they are under no obligation to do so. My MIL routinely looked after my SIL's children - never did the same for mine - but I would never, ever assume that a grandparent should have to provide child care for a grandchild.

I certainly have no intention of becoming a child minder to any prospective grandchidren - I would expect to raise my own children to have the common sense to make their own arrangements before having children.

I am not sure if I interpreted your opening post correctly, but it looks like you are saying DM already picks up one of your DC from nursery three times a week?

So it's a bit unfair of you to allege she isn't helping you.

I agree with PP that you shouldn't expect free childcare from them just because they have done it for your sister. Maybe they are looking forward to the time when they can regain their lives, and by starting off on a new round of childcare with you, the end will be much further away.

If it's unfeasible to go back and pay nursery fees you might want to look at other options like au pair? Working Part time?

My parents have had my nephew one day a week since he was little, so nearly 12 years now. Every week they pick him up and then my dsis has dinner with them before taking him home. I feel a bit sorry for my kids who rarely see the gps but adore them. Even if nephew is off school he's over at my parents and I wish they'd make an effort to see my girls a bit more.

I don't want childcare, just for my parents to see my dc,a bit more.

YANBU but neither is your mother, she's looked after her grandchildren for the past 8 years, she's not getting any younger and maybe she feels that it is too much for her now?

Your poor mother, has she not had a break in all that time?

We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult.

Then why did you have three children that you can't afford the childcare for?

You sound very entitled and rather immature. Your mother already looks after three children four days a week for free, is now eight years older than she was when she started doing it, and you want her to look after another three on top of that?

Enjolrass and Jacks are spot on. I think YA largely BU, OP. But I think you have a point about the relationship between your DCs and your mum being squeezed out by the amount of time your sister's DCs spend with her. Maybe you should mention that? If your mum is beginning to tire of the amount of childcare she does for your sister (and why wouldn't she - it sounds pretty onerous), she might welcome a good reason to renegotiate it, which in turn might result in a more equitable arrangement all round.

I'm a few posts in, reading from the top of the thread, and I want to stop and shout out "Hey! Your mother is NOT your servant." You are not entitled to her time or her work, neither you nor your sister.
What a shocking attitude.

I don't want childcare, just for my parents to see my dc,a bit more.

Why dont you have your parents over for sunday dinner once a month/fortnight?

Can I also add- my DD and my parents are very close due to the time they have spent together. She (and they, I suspect) would have been really upset to suddenly have been "dropped" in order that my mum could do more childcare for my nephews. I don't think my mum would have wanted to do that, as unfair as it seems on my nephew.

It's not just childcare, it is changing the routines of children too.

YABu

8 years ago you DM agreed to sit your sisters kids. They are now older, at school and presumably not much work. You mother now probably doesn't want to start again with a new 'batch' of DC. its a shame it's worked out like this for you but I think it would be very unfair to expect you really DM to look after your kids.

It is not favoritism unless you think your mum wouldn't have looked after your DC had they been the first batch of DGC.

Were you sisters kids as close together in age, looking after three DC as close in age as your DC is hard work. I speak from experience

Hang on, you don't work and your mum picks one child up three times a week already?

You definitely should have factored being able to arrange your own childcare, without any free handouts, into your family planning.

You have chosen to have three children close in age. You now pay for them to be in childcare or you/ your DH doesn't work. Nobody owes you free childcare regardless of whether they are doing it for someone else.

Your sister's scenario is irrelevant to yours. You are adults- it's not like when you were little and your parents had to buy you the same number of presents as her.

If Ops mum isn't doing childcare in the day, there's nothing to stop herseeing OPs children, is there?

Except that maybe she wants a life of her own, diddl.

OP, you say your mum already picks one of them up from nursery 3 days a week. You don't work. Why aren't you doing this yourself?!?! Shocking attitude. What do you do all day?!

First post, I wonder if the OP is going to bother coming back, or participating in her thread?

Why would you describe childcare when you have emergencies or parents evenings and 3 nursery pick ups each week as getting no help!

I don't think you are being totally unreasonable - it looks pretty unfair that your DM can do masses of childcare for your sister and none for you.

There may be reasons for this that you don't know about. Your DM may reasonably feel that after 8 years she can't manage preschoolers.

However what really isn't working is not saying anything to avoid family rifts. Because it isn't, it's eating you up inside, it's spoiling your relationship with your DM and sister and as you've pointed out your kids aren't seeing their grandparents the way their cousins do.

You need to have a calm conversation with your DM and your DSis about how you see it and how you feel - bearing in mind the end result is unlikely to be an equitable split of childcare in your favour. Be honest - you didn't expect your DM to do your childcare, you can afford it but it feels you are treated differently to your sister and your kids are treated very differently.

'Why would you describe childcare when you have emergencies or parents evenings and 3 nursery pick ups each week as getting no help!'

Because, like, it's soooo not fair that my sister gets more? Yeah?

If Ops mum isn't doing childcare in the day, there's nothing to stop herseeing OPs children, is there?

Only the desire to have her own life! She is also caring for one of OPs dc already 3 days a week!

I suppose the Mum may just have had enough of doing childcare and doesn't want to start another lot of x years of providing it. My sister feels like this but does feel obliged thought deep down she simmers with resentment. As she points out she is not 50 any more she is 62 and tires more easily and has a chronic health condition now.

If Ops mum isn't doing childcare in the day, there's nothing to stop her seeing OPs children, is there?

Apart from perhaps wanting to do what she wants, rather than being a child carer?. Perhaps she has elderly parents of her own to look after, a house to run, voluntary work, hobbies, spending quality time with her husband, friends to meet - why on earth should she spend all her free time looking after grandchildren