HELP..... no help from parents!

[pinky77]

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

But why have three children if you haven't factored in the cost of childcare, did you honestly assume that your mother would provide childcare for you?

Yes, I can understand that you might be (privately) a little resentful but it is your's, and your DH's, responsibility to organise childcare.

Many of us delay having children or just have one for many reasons - but one of the most obvious is the cost of childcare.

Thinking as your mum. I would never feel comfortable doing all the after school childcare for one set of grandchildren and nothing for the other set. It's just really imbalanced. As a GP I would love to have more equal closeness with all my grandkids.

aren't you a bit old for the 'it's not fair' thing, OP?

perhaps it isn't fair. Perhaps there's other reasons. If your mum is reading this, do you think she'd change?

and no, office presenteeism and kids are mutually exclusive unless you have extra help. Parents can't have it all. Sorry.

How old is your mum OP?

Her bit was raising you.

All this is extra. Yes your sister should think more about her mum.

Again why is your mother picking your kid up 3 days a week? When you don't work?

I think since you are a sahm picking your kids up 3 days a week is bloody fantastic.

I got pregnant after being with dh for only a few months (wasn't dh then, obviously) but we'd already discussed how we'd split our time so there is always one of us at home to look after the kids. I don't know why people have dc if they're just going to palm them off on other people.

My Mil looks after dh sister's dc a lot, but she has already offered to look after our ds too, although apart from the occasional baby sitting, days out etc, we've declined. So I guess we're just very lucky!

I think the fact they collect three days per week is great.

My parents can go two weeks without seeing my two and they live in the same town!

Count your blessings that they do anything!

Usually I'd say you can't really expect parents to help. But this unequal treatment is grossly unfair and no wonder you feel hard done by. If it was me I'd just not bother with any of them tbh if no help is forthcoming. But I can see why your mother feels she needs a rest after looking after your sisters children all this time.

But I agree with people saying you should have known the childcare costs for three children would be high and that your Mum was already committed. Still think this unequal treatment is unfair.

I don't know why people have dc if they're just going to palm them off on other people.

Using childcare so you can work isnt palming your children off on other people. You're very lucky you and DH can arrange work so that one of you is always with DC. That is not a common scenario.

I would like to add one thing. When GPs are doing childcare, they do things pretty much THEIR way -- up to their own level of understanding or... ignorance. And can seriously undermine you as a parent. Lets say you want your dc to have a healthy diet, and they intentionally feed them sweets all the time. Its not like having a nanny whom you can give a set of rules.
So think about it OP. Maybe its unfair and more difficult for you, but in that sense you're more independent as a parent.

I can understand your feelings op. I think people are giving you a bit of a hard time. It must feel unfair, I can only suggest you discuss this with your mum, to see if she can cut back on doing so much for your sister.

She perhaps feels she can't say no to your sister, whereas you perhaps have always accepted more what's given, whilst seething inwardly. I don't think you come across entitled, I think your mistake was thinking that your parents would treat you equally. It's hurtful when that's not how it works.

I can see how your mum might be older though and not be as keen, often with the first children, GP leap in desparate to hold a new baby and promise all sorts...then get a bit jaded bu the time e fourth baby arrives, well it's much less exciting.

I would suggest an alternate job evening working or night time work that would coinside with your DH working hours. Your mother commited herself 8 years ago and now those kids attend school so she has some time during the day to do her own stuff. Now you want to monoplised that time by her having not one, not two but three DC under 5. I'm 28 i couldn't cope with three under five.

My mam and auntie do two days with DD whos 2 for five hours. I pick and collect my DS from school, i have also worked weekends and evenings when my DH is home. I'm expecting third DC and there is no way i would expect my DM to watch my toddler and baby. Thats only two under 5. Your expections are fair to high and your stubborness is unbelievable. You need to get over it, 8years ago when your DM started helping your sister is along time for health to decline. Older DC are fair easier and more independant to look after than little ones. We all know this.

As for a relationship with the DC invite her round for dinner it works both ways. Its seems all your bothered about is lack of free childcare rather than your DM relationship with them. Which is very sad. My dad regularly enjoys having my DS whos 7 to visit on his own but his health couldn't cope with the demands of a toddler. He does not love either more than the other. Fact is DS is older and more independant. I think you need to look at the nugger picture here.

Bigger*

I think my eldest sister is being pretty selfish considering the childcare from my mum has let her progress through her career to a high level. I haven't said anything because I don't want to rock the boat but surely to God minding grandchildren shouldn't operate on a first come first served basis?!

Well, yes sometimes it does operate on a "first come, first serve" basis because circumstances change! Your DM was younger when your sister's children came along. She may not feel able to manage 3 under 5's now. Even if she can, maybe she doesn't want to do it all over again. Looking after children before and after school, or on occasions where they are sick, is a whole different kettle of fish from running round after 3 under 5's. Can't you see that?

Your DM agreed to help with childcare and now has an arrangement with your sister (and also with her grandchildren)- is she supposed to just drop this to suit your needs? What about if she does not want to? If my DM had done that to me, it would have left me in difficulties.

Your sister is not being selfish- she made an agreement with your mum when you had no children. That agreement is on-going. Yes, it has allowed her to progress her career but that arrangement is nothing to do with you.

You need to speak to your mum and see what she can offer. However, if significant help with childcare is what you needed from your mum- surely you should have discussed it with your DM before embarking on having 3 children in 5 years?

Granny here.

I am amazed that people's parents are willing to regularly take on childcare. I love my little grandson to bits, but I find him so exhausting. I couldn't look after him full time anyway as I have to work to support myself, but even if I wasn't at work there is no way on earth I would be able to cope with him, let alone two, or possibly five more.

My family lived hundreds of miles away when my children were little so we just had to get on with it.

Grandparents (in my book) should only be requested to supply childcare in emergencies. We are too old, there is a reason for the menopause.

Maybe she could help out with the older one only, it would be a help. She doesn't have to have all three. I think talking to her would be the best thing.

It is very difficult. We live a long way from the grandparents so childcare was never an option but it would be lovely to have the incidental childcare for parents evenings, doctors appointments (I had a very critical nurse because I took my 7 month old to a smear, way to make a new mother with no family support feel shite), and the odd night out. But we chose to live a long way away and there are advantages to not having the grandparents providing care.

My brother lives next door to my Mum and she does all their childcare (3 kids, 2 at school). She wants to and they have a close relationship. But what I find upsetting is that Mum is difficult about babysitting for us when we visit her, we were asked to cut our last visit home short so she could look after DBs kids while DB and SIL went abroad (I know she'd never babysit for us in a similar situation), she hasn't come to see us for 6 months, she raves about how SIL gives her 'lovely' expensive presents (sure I could afford to give expensive presents if I had thousands of pounds of free childcare every year) and she is always going on about how she insists on being 'fair' to us all. Well, in that case stop providing free childcare to one child and a free flat to another but nothing equivalent to your other children.

I do think grandparents should not give free childcare unless they feel sure they can treat all their children equally. It has a massive impact on the finances of the different families and is very upsetting for the less favoured child.

I can see that eight years ago your DM was eight years younger and she may be seeing/counting on the responsibility for your dsis's kids getting less and less each year as they get older and the before/after school care decreases, and feel she is near the end of this time. The thought of starting again with caring for under fives, particularly three of them, with years more of this responsibility ahead of her, may well be more than she can handle and quite a scary prospect. She may feel that she has done her time.

Yes, I can see why you're unhappy. You would love the opportunities your dsis had, to not have that expense, to be able to put your career first as she has been able to do. Who wouldn't (honestly) feel it's unfair that a sibling had all that while you'll have a struggle? The thing is though that there is no entitlement to this help, and just because she was able to and chose to offer that gift to your dsis eight years ago doesn't mean she is compelled to do equally by you now. There can't be an expectation of her 'doing her bit' for you, she has no responsibilities to your childcare at all and you don't have a right to that time. You also can't expect your dsis takes the financial hit in fairness to help you out- it would be lovely if she offered it, but you can't expect it and don't have a right to it. It's sad for you that you're in the harder circumstances but this is where your choice to have children has to take first place, and if that means for a few years you have to make difficult choices or downsize to manage the costs, then thems the breaks of having children. Other options may be that dh needs to take a career break for a year or two and be a sahd.

The sadder thing is that by doing this lovely, generous thing for your dsis your dm has caused a problem that you feel deprived of that same gift or your turn, and has caused bad feeling to arise between the three of you. I'm sure she didn't see that coming, but that she is sympathising with you but not offering concrete help suggests she doesn't have the time or capacity to give it. If you're currently not working I can see why your dm relies on you more than her full time working daughter, and naturally if you go back to work you're going to have to protect your boundaries. Equally if your dsis is already laying down the expectation that you will be the one to do any caring needed in future for your parents this is where to start clearly stating and managing expectations and boundaries. I don't think YABU for having these feelings, but the hard part is going to be being the grown up about this and reminding yourself your children are no one's responsibility but yours, and you don't have an entitlement. Help is lovely to have but not owed. If there is an inevitable cost to your relationship with your dsis and dm as a result then that's very sad.

Maybe she could help out with the older one only, it would be a help

She already does. 3 days a week.

I am certainly not saying she should look after all 3 kids but considering my sister has the option of after school care at a very low rate you'd think she would give my Mum a rest or a bit of free time.

Yes, so your DM can then do more childcare for you by the sounds of it! You didn't say "I think my sister should arrange alternative childcare as to give my DM a rest". You posted about your DM not helping you enough with childcare. Even though she picks up from nursery 3 days a week- and you aren't even working at the moment!

I do agree with the posters who say you shouldn't rely on GP care, but I think in this situation it's unfair on you. Mention it, she might not even be aware.

I think it's perhaps a lesson to all GP not to start childcare!

YANBU to feel unfairly treated by mother/sister. But this is one of those "life isn't fair" moments, and you mustn't let it upset you (too much). The thing is, people always justify favouritism so that it doesn't look like favouritism to them, and they will be genuinely hurt and baffled if you bring it up. It will be all: "oh but OP, you're always so independent!" / "but OP, we thought you wanted to be a SAHM!". You have to face the fact that your closest family formed their ideas about you decades ago and there will be a reason why your mother has rolled over for your sister and allowed herself to be treated like a bit of a doormat.

Be proud that you will not be treating your mother like that. Don't go looking too hard at your place in the family hierarchy. Also, what Nataljah said.

Can you partners parents help - I'm not sure why granny daycare is so often on the maternal side.

Why don't you pick your own child up from nursery? Why does your mother do it? Why can't you do it yourself? You're not working.

I think rumble is right in saying you now feel deprived. It would be the same if they had provided a house deposit for your sister, but not you. Or some other gift. You have no right to expect it, but it's natural to feel disappointed in the inequality.