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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP..... no help from parents!

332 replies

pinky77 · 12/12/2015 16:03

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

OP posts:
diddl · 12/12/2015 17:25

"Except that maybe she wants a life of her own, diddl."

I wasn't talking about hildcare.

OP says that hermum doesn't see her children much.

Initially I thought it was because she was busy with her other GC, but I think she isn't in the day so could see OPs kids then if she wanted?

ArmchairTraveller · 12/12/2015 17:26

'why on earth should she spend all her free time looking after grandchildren'

Especially if it's seen as a right that her daughter is entitled to, rather than a wonderful favour.

HackerFucker22 · 12/12/2015 17:28

It's shitty but sadly it's not your mother's responsibility. She probably should have forseen this could become an issue though.

My folks have 11 grandchildren aged between 7y - 4 months and my mum who doesn't work made it abundantly clear years ago that in the interest of fairness she would not be offering childcare as such [she does quite a lot actually but nothing as formal as having kids so parents can work. She tends to look after kids to allow parents to attend appts]

Ragwort · 12/12/2015 17:28

Russell - good point, quite a few of my friends are grandparents and feel utterly taken for granted in the expectations of their grown up children to provide childcare ........... they are too frightened to say anything for fear of damaging their relationship with their children/grandchildren which I think is incredibly sad. I have even heard some of the grown up children say 'mum loves having the grandchildren - it keeps her young' Hmm. They seem to have no empathy with their own parents, I think it is quite shocking and would sincerely hope never to let myself get into that situation.

harrasseddotcom · 12/12/2015 17:29

YANBU. I think that family should be there to help and to help fairly. That said you cannot force your mother to look after your dc. But when your mother is older and needing care, will it be your sister doing the lion share of the caring? This imo is the give on both sides.

Enjolrass · 12/12/2015 17:29

diddl I get what you mean.op doesn't work, her mother doesn't have the other kids during the day. The OP could visit every so often during the day or vice verse.

Not childcare, just visits

diddl · 12/12/2015 17:30

Hello!!

I'm not saying that OPs mum should do childcare!!

Enjolrass · 12/12/2015 17:31

harras are you saying the mother should be obliged to help out so that someone cares for her in old age?

She brought the OP and her sister up! Isn't that enough?

RudeElf · 12/12/2015 17:34

THE GRANDMOTHER ALREADY DOES 3 DAYS OF CHILDCARE FOR ONE OF OP'S CHILDREN!

My granny has over 30 grandchildren. One of them lived with her for the first 2 years of his life and then again for a couple of years in his pre teen years, and for a while as a mid-teen. He got oodles more of her time than any of the rest of us. Can you imagine if everyone had insisted she did the same for all her grandchildren? She'd still be doing it now in her late 80's! Grin

blytheandsebastian · 12/12/2015 17:35

I think it's asking quite a lot, given the ages of your children. It wouldn't be at all the same as looking after school age children before and after school. Also, your mum is now a bit older than she was when looking after tiny children before, and has had a number of years of doing it. Isn't she entitled to think, 'I can't start that all over again at my age?' In a way it's unfair, but I don't think anyone is being unfair to you as such.

I can't help feeling that you shouldn't have had three children so close together if you weren't prepared for either you or your DH to not work for the pre-school years, or of course pay nursery fees.

Would it be possible to support a closer relationship between your DM and your children on the three days a week that she doesn't have the others? Bearing in mind that supporting a relationship with grandchildren is not the same thing as expecting her to provide childcare - you may have to stay and help.

m0therofdragons · 12/12/2015 17:36

You may find a nanny works out cheaper op. I had 3 under 5 (my second pg was twins). I had to drop my hours significantly and worked from home flexi hours. It was very hard work for very little money but now all 3 are at school and I went for a pt job in a dept I wanted to work in. Within a year I've been promoted and finally everything is feeling much more in control. Those years when I thought I'd lose my employability due to taking time being a mum actually was time well spent with my little dc and my career is back on track so just plan what you can and be poor for a little while. It will all come together eventually.

m0therofdragons · 12/12/2015 17:39

Oh on the grandparents issue. I would hate my parents to feel they had to care regularly for dc.mine have them for a couple of weeks a year to help with school holidays but dh's offer but then come up with excuses why they can't. I never expect it but then we live a fair distance.

Jibberjabberjooo · 12/12/2015 17:39

It may seem unfair that you and your sister will get treated differently but equally you cannot expect your DM to provide childcare for you. £1000 for three dc is good, did you not think of childcare costs before you had children? I know I did. Your DM has had eight years of providing childcare, don't you think she needs some time off?

Original poster
pinky77 · 12/12/2015 17:40

Hey thanks for all the posts I,m grateful as its too easy to lose perspective in the thick of it. The chilcare costs are for 2 days I'm only going back 3 days. I have basically taken 5 years out of work but the career I practice in I would be unemployable if I took any longer so need to go back. Also I am thinking more long term workwise for my kids toowhen they're older.
I totally get what you are all saying that my Mum shouldn't be obliged to do any childcare which if was the case I would think she could help out in other areas or at least see the children or have them stay over once in a while etc. I just feel my kids are missing out on a proper grandparent relationship like I had myself. I think my eldest sister is being pretty selfish considering the childcare from my mum has let her progress through her career to a high level. I haven't said anything because I don't want to rock the boat but surely to God minding grandchildren shouldn't operate on a first come first served basis?!
Myself and husband generally cope very well and are very independent whereas my sister gets help even when children are sick etc while we just muddle through at times like that. Sometimes I feel like the more you cope and put yourself out the less help you'll get!?

OP posts:
Girlfriend36 · 12/12/2015 17:41

The issue is that the op mother has already over stretched herself and her sister has taken the piss.

I generally think you should never expect anyone other than a paid childcare provider to look after your kids so you can work. I'm a single parent who went back to work when dd was 7 months, my mum is very hands on Grandparent but it would never have occurred to me to expect her to have dd! For a start she still works and has her own life to lead.

LittlestLightOnTheTree · 12/12/2015 17:42

Doesn't look like op was ever really bothered.... She posts a goady thread and disappears

harrasseddotcom · 12/12/2015 17:44

what im saying is that if you are gonna blatantly favour one child over the other, then dont be surprised if the less favoured child is less keen to help out in future, hence trying to treat all your children equally.

But yh, i do think that as generations of people are living longer, then really you should factor in whats gonna happen in your old age. Maybe other families are different, but my family, and luckily my dp's family, all help each other out as fairly and equally as possible, . It goes without saying that once dms/dfs are older then the burden of care will fall onto our shoulders. If either dm or dmil had treated us significantly less than other siblings then i dont think i would be feeling quite the same way.

Bubbletree4 · 12/12/2015 17:45

Thing is it's not really about fairness. I reckon your mum has done 8 hard years of childcare and is exhausted physically and mentally by it. She is probably terrified at the though of it starting all over again and/or adding 3 more dc to the 3 she's already minding. I doubt she can manage all 6, particularly with your 3 being nursery age. I couldn't and I expect I'm half her age.

On the other hand, I can see your perspective - it is grossly unfair for your sister to have had such a lot of help which no doubt has enabled her to earn a lot of money over those 8 years and significantly enhance her career. If I was in your mum's position, I would definitely not want to mind your kids but I would recognise that your sister had a huge benefit so if your mum has the means, she could consider helping you with nursery fees.

But, that said, I am unsure why you had number 3 if money was tight. Most people I know, including me, would be utterly broken by the expense of a third child so money was a major factor in deciding not to.

bunnie1975 · 12/12/2015 17:45

We get zero help from any family, in fact we haven't been out as a couple in nearly 5 years, such is life tbh!

MaudGonneMad · 12/12/2015 17:45

surely to God minding grandchildren shouldn't operate on a first come first served basis?!

How do you think it should operate?

NerrSnerr · 12/12/2015 17:46

You do get childcare though, even though you don't work your mum picks up one child three times a week. That's good going.

MaudGonneMad · 12/12/2015 17:47

Wait. So now the OP's mother should pay nursery fees to make up for not wanting to provide free childcare?

Wow.

LyndaNotLinda · 12/12/2015 17:49

I assume if the mum has been looking after the sister's kids for 8 years, she helped out since they were tiny.

I really think GPs should think about this stuff more so as not to lead to simmering resentment between siblings. My mum cared for all our children for one day a week from the end of maternity leave until they turned two. And then she expected us to fend for ourselves which is totally fair enough. She was very clear from the outset that she wouldn't provide free on tap childcare before any of us had children. And it worked really well. She's built really good relationships with all her grandchildren and we all have benefited from her help in that tough phase when you first go back to work and childcare costs are at their highest.

I wonder if the OP's sister considered childcare costs before having her kids? Or did she assume her mum would do it? Why hasn't the mum talked about all this stuff.

I have a real issue of siblings being treated unfairly by their parents. My parents are scrupulously fair - probably because my mum's parents really favoured her brother and she has made a huge effort to ensure that none of us feel like we're second best.

Coldand · 12/12/2015 17:51

OP you do get a lot of help. We don't have anyone not even to help out in case of emergency and I would never assume anyone would provide regular free childcare for mine. Your mum is doing you a favour by doing nursery pick up three times a week.

Bubbletree4 · 12/12/2015 17:52

Maud, I said the grandmother could consider helping with the nursery fees if she wished to treat her daughters fairly. I didn't say she should, but as others have pointed out, there are consequences to treating people very unfairly. These consequences include the two daughters resenting each other, reduced contact with dc/less close relationship and reduced/no help in old age. Really this is basic logic isn't it? If you considered the monetary value of the help the sister has had, it would run into tens of thousands of pounds.