HELP..... no help from parents!

[pinky77]

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

I would explain you feel it's better for the kids to have quality time with her where they can enjoy a story or a game, and if she will let you know a time that suits her you can deliver the kids/have her pick them up for that. But you have every right to return to work as your sister does! Sounds like they're trying to keep you in their mould for you. I would be so annoyed by all this, not the not providing childcare aspect but all the other things. This would be very childish I admit but I would be tempted to add that if she really can't put aside any time to provide your children with regular significant slots of the when they can enjoy building a relationship with a grand parent, you would like to know as you are thinking of signing up to an adopt a grandparent scheme. She would never in a million years stand for that, would she!

Stick to your guns. You can't be messed about then. I couldn't rely on someone who thinks I should stop at home rather than work.

Good for you Pinky. A new dynamic for you and yours.

I dont know what goes on in your mums head but there she is not wanting the other granny to look after your sisters kids for very dubious reasons, and here she is not wanting other people to look after yours.

So if she cant or wont then no one can

So if she cant or wont have them then no one should have them will either.

And she has your sisters children so no one else can have them either.

Its all pretty screwed up.

Is your MIL alive?

Another effort at the above post

Good for you Pinky. A new dynamic for you and yours.

I dont know what goes on in your mums head but there she is not wanting the other granny to look after your sisters kids for very dubious reasons, and here she is not wanting other people to look after yours.

So if she cant or wont have them then no one should have them either.

And she has your sisters children so no one else can have them either.

Its all pretty screwed up.

Is your MIL alive?

Yes I think your right I need to organise the childcare regardless so I don't really need to be asking is this okay. Yes it is okay because I'm deciding what to do. Like this is seriously making me question my whole family dynamics, my Mum is a really great loving mother and the motives aren't particularly clear to me. My husband says she wants to continue collecting 3 times a week because it enables her to say she is helping both my sister and I out. She does seem to care q a bit what other people think relatives etc. and does love going on about how much she does for my sister etc. So as great as it would be I don't really want to be part of that do I?
This sounds silly but a friend at the nursery my 3 yr old goes to said "oh your Mums so good the way she minds you and your sisters children"
I said Oh yes its great she picks up 3 times a week so I can pick my son up school same time but she drops him straight up same time as I get home. She looked at me confused. I probed a little more and she said "Oh I just presumed because a few times she said she was headed home to start the tea for all the grandkids" Now she's never kept my kids for tea so it's little things like this that piss me off because it's insinuating something that isn't happening. Her heart is in the right place and she always helps everyone out but she does like to go on a bit about whatever she's done.

Pinky, I never thought for a moment your mum was anything but a great loving mother. Honest

Nothing stays the same forever and that includes how we see those we love when we're willing to open our eyes to their not so nice bits. So this really is just a wee bump in the road for now and soon you'll all be back on an even keel. And you'll still love your mum, and perhaps more importantly, you'll still like her. But most of all - you'll really like yourself as well.

Pinky, as a SAHM it really suits relatives and family for you not to go back to work, because you are younger, probably drive and in their mind just love all that selfless caring.

It suits your mum and sister for you not to work, like the spinster who was expected to stay at home to care for the parents in the bad old days.

You were being taken for granted, you were a back up plan, someone to ask for help from.

I'm only saying this because it seems from what your sister and mum said they don't want you to work, you are expected to provide care in years to come.

They wil have to get used to the new normal and not rely on you. Likewise you have got around not relying on them. It's easier to retreat from being there all the time than to suddenly find yourself having to be more self reliant.

Don't let them belittle you over going back to work, if they are not supportive of your decisions then you have to ask yourself why and act accordingly.

Yeah, it's a bit mean not doing it but pretending to everyone else that she is. I was going to suggest that you mention that as your sis had such great childcare in the early years, enabling her and her dh to further their careers so well, that it was a bit sad that you didn't have that opportunity, and maybe even ask nicely if she and sis could perhaps work out how to give you that sort of boost.

BUT

mum wants to hang onto sis' kids so she can be best gm and depriving other gm of opportunity for close relationship with gcs.

Mum is implying to others that she is helping equally

Mum has said that 5 mins twice a week is enough for your children

Not nice. Not fair. A bit small minded.

Do it alone; much better.

(Ask your sis if/how much she has to kowtow to mum in return for childcare?)

It suits your mum and sister for you not to work, like the spinster who was expected to stay at home to care for the parents in the bad old days.

You were being taken for granted, you were a back up plan, someone to ask for help from.

Really is it not the other way round? It's the mother who is like the spinster in this situation, isn't it?

I'm sorry OP, that this has upset you so much, but if you could get your head around the idea than anything your mother does for you is a plus to be grateful for, you would be a lot less unhappy.

but if you could get your head around the idea than anything your mother does for you is a plus to be grateful for, you would be a lot less unhappy.

I think thats a really sad way to look at it.

Atenco unfortunately I do find that aspect to get my head around difficult. So seriously 5 mins a week to my kids versus 50 hrs to 3 other kids and I should be so grateful? I am grateful I have a Mum around but it is that very fact that she is around way more for one daughter than the other. I wish I could be just as straightforward as yourself.

Sansoora, what is sad about being grateful in this world? We have so much going for us, why do we have to concentrate on what is wrong when, for most of us, it is such a tiny part of our lives.

Sansoora, what is sad about being grateful in this world? We have so much going for us, why do we have to concentrate on what is wrong when, for most of us, it is such a tiny part of our lives.

Atenco, I guess you understand it or you don't and I think it all boils down to how a family operates. We clearly have differing views but its not that one way is better than the other. We just approach things differently. The OP is entitled to a variety of opinions and I don't agree with what you've said.

So, people can be appreciative of all they have as a member of a family without having to thank their lucky stars day in and day out that they have all they do. People just know. It goes without saying. Actions speak louder than words. Do as you would be done by. But this business of be obviously grateful for all you have of me as my child? No, Im sorry,it just doesn't work for me.

But maybe we our wires are crossed here and the last thing I want to do is insult another persons way of being a family

I think you are doing the right thing, I don't think you should let your mum pick up anymore as its not really helping you but enabling her to kid herself she is seeing enough of your children.

you are rocking that boat. Go girl! I bet she'll be concerned about the children, worried whether it will all be too much for you, anything to keep the status quo and get you questioning your decision.

Just say matter of factly, need the money. Needs must. I found that tends to be accepted better at first!

I stand by what I said because Pinky's sister has already made it clear she thinks Pinky will be ideal for elderly parent duties.

Subconsciously Pinky's mum goes to her first for help, emails etc. Perhaps she thinks Pinky will be following in her footsteps with selfless devotion to the family? But the family dynamics are changing and Pinky wants to put her children first, well good for her.

It's not unheard of for parents to think that their children will care for them when older and if one of them is a SAHM I bet they are the favourite candidate.

I have experienced token grandparentism. All gushing on FB about their wonderful grandkids but going absolute months with no interest or desire to actually meet them or forge a relationship. The kids are a status symbol for their friends. So I've backed off from organising and phoning because it was upsetting my children. They know when they are not really valued and it's not a God given right to show up briefly in a child's life, spend zero time getting to know that person, expect cuddles and many staged photographs and disappear into the sunset leaving a child confused. A child can spot favouritism a mile off. Anyone with 2 or more kids will know what I mean, you can't give to one without the other how is that different with cousins?

Sorry. Haven't read the thread.

I've got 2 small ones. We have had zero help with childcare. Didn't expect it and haven't taken it. They're our children, we decided to have them. My parents have done their bit. It's time for a rest for them.

I've packed in work as FT for two is double what I earn! Our choice.

Yes, it's crap she's treated your sister differently, but really. They're yourkids. Not hers. I'd move on and stop making it an issue personally.

Needaninsight REading the thread might have given more insight to the issues.

what is sad about being grateful in this world? We have so much going for us, why do we have to concentrate on what is wrong

OP is dealing with what is wrong. You can do that, you know, and be grateful for what you have.

One doesn't rule out the other.

There is no virtue in being a martyr and being grateful for stale crumbs when your peers are being hosted to fresh cake.

OP is dealing with what is wrong

I agree we should all deal with what is wrong, but it does not look like OP can change either her mother or her sister, so apart from feeling hard done by, how can she deal with this?

It is amazing that when YOU make changes the dynamics change.

So hopefully if OP makes a stand, stops DM martyring herself (supposedly to 'all' of her DGCs), DM can stop the farce that she is treating all equally, this might change dynamics between DM and Dsis, as the bias is made obvious. OP has made a stand, after a fashion, and is getting on with her life.
At the very least there should be a bit of respect from her DM instead of the nonsense she spouts at the moment.
It doesnt' suit OP as it is at the mo, so definitely worth making changes.

I agree we should all deal with what is wrong, but it does not look like OP can change either her mother or her sister, so apart from feeling hard done by, how can she deal with this?

By changing her dynamic within the family which will result in others changing theirs, for better or worse. Its not even about the babysitting anymore. Its about the new way of being the OP and its knock on effect. And no one even needs to fall out about it.

Thank you wise ladies, I happily stand corrected.

I think posters are being unfair as we all want the best for our DCs, a happy childhood, and often that includes doting GPs

We all come at these things from our differing perspectives. I never really realised that GPs had a close relationship with grandkids, both grandfathers died before I was born and both my grandmothers were quite old when I was born, lived a long way away and were distant figures that sent me money for my birthday and Christmas, I sent them cards and saw them once a year at most.

My MIL has six grandchildren and was getting on a bit by the time my son came long. She does send him things, and has done him a stocking etc but has been far less involved in his life than she was in his cousins due to being older and living further away. It would never occur to me to think that this was in any way unfair. He doesn't have a lot of contact with his cousins so I don't suppose he has any idea that she was more involved in their lives.

My mum only has the one grandson but lives a long way away. However, she does see us as much as she can, my son stayed with her for a week in the summer holidays and they have a reasonably close relationship. It's nice to see but it's not something I was particularly concerned about either way, because I didn't experience it myself and didn't know that I was missing on anything. I think she feels she's missed out a bit through the distance though.

BUT your more recent posts do beggar belief. So your sister is allowed to work, but you're not? That is just bizarre.

You should have considered the cost when having the children. They are your children and whether or not your mother has raised your other sisters children she is under no obligation. Also as your mother gets older should she not be entitled to spend her retirement time as she wishes.m rather than looking after her children's children?

This, sorry. Surely you should have considered the financial implications of having three small children who will need looking after on your return to work? I'm guessing that you expected GPs to offer to help.