HELP..... no help from parents!

[pinky77]

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

Do people even read the thread anymore or just the first post and launch into a tirade?

Many people do that, captain. I do think if a thread is quite long that people might realise that there's a bit more to it though, and feel prompted to read at least from the last post the op made. I suppose some think their words are so important, they must be committed to the screen immediately. Or maybe they have small children who are playing with matches.

Actually, I have sometimes written most of my response, been called away before I post, and when I've got back posted without refreshing.... It's embarrassing

but has been far less involved in his life than she was in his cousins due to being older and living further away. It would never occur to me to think that this was in any way unfair
And your point is - as, in this case, the DGM is not older, not far away and the DCs simlar ages??????????????????

The point is that it is obvious the DGM cares for, is interested in, even possibly loves her sis and DSis's DCs much more than the OPs. Then tries to cover up for this fact by implying/lying to everyone around her that she spends as much time with the OP's as with her DSis's DC.

I suppose that it is asking too much of a DM to actually, even if you don't care equally for your DCs, to make out that you do, But no, MNers who haven't RTFT think that the OP she suck it up and stop whingeing and thank God that she has a thoughtless, selfish DM at all.

pinky

I have read the whole thread. I don't think you are being entitled etc.

Your DM doesn't want the other GM to look after your DN's...but is OK to see your DC for five minutes, because she is looking after her other GC She also implies to other people, that she does far more than she actually does with your DC. This speak volumes as sargrass as so eloquently posted.

I would organise your childcare and ignore DM about still wanting to pick up DC....because really what is the point? If she drops them to then rush off to make tea etc for the other GC, let her get on with it.

When you return to work, stop hosting Christmas every year. Either spend it with your in laws or let your family know that it is their turn to do it.

The above is not being passive/aggressive, but it's about changing the role they have assigned for you...the dutiful daughter/mother, the one who looks after everyone else and the main carer for the DP when they age.

I really feel for you OP - it's not a nice situation.
I would be tempted to just get on with your life and do your own thing.

Without wanting to be confrontational i would still be tempted to gently ask why do you like feeding dsis' DC and not the other grandchildren , in as neutral a tone as possible just to try to find out why without any upset ie just sound calm/ curious. I wonder whether she hasn't even realised what it might make your DC feel like as perhaps she's overstretched or just got used to things.

I am normally often on the side of grandparents as feel helping isn't their responsibility and instead just lovely if they get joy out of doing it (I hope I will one day). But reading more on this thread makes me really sad for you OP and your children as I'd never ever dream of looking after grandchildren differently without an understandable reason (distance/ higher needs) and I'd always make every effort For them to know they each meant a lot.

(Eg My grandparents spent more time my eldest cousin and this was completely normal as she was closer geographically and perhaps partly as a result they were very close to her; but they quite definitely loved each of us very much And always fair to each of us - I really miss them.

YANBU. Its upsetting to be left out like that.
But its hard to see a solution, so just get on with doing your own thing and dont treat your own kids like that.