HELP..... no help from parents!

[pinky77]

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

Pinky, I get your point entirely and as a very hands on Nana to 5 the one thing I do try to make sure of is that everyone gets their fair share of me. It must be horrible to be the child who's children are short changed of time and attention because a sibling has commandeered it all.

Your mums the same age as me and I have to admit that I tire more easily with my younger two than I did with my eldest 3 so if your mum says she's not as up to it as she previously was then its more than likely true.

I'm a grandmother with only one dd and one dgd, whom I adore. I am still not available everytime my dd needs childcare, nor will I be. Honestly, OP, it is easy for you to say at this stage in your life, that you will do all the childminding your three children need, but catch yourself on. I really angry that instead of being grateful for all the work your mother did bringing you up and for the emergency help she gives you with your children, you believe you are entitled to permanent day-to-day childminding. I find it fun but exhausting looking about one child, I cannot imagine what looking after six children would be like, even official childminders aren't expected to do that single-handedly.

Maybe your kids are more hard work? Maybe she doesn't want for look after them.

My MIL doesn't look after 2 of her GD as much because they are little terrors. So avoids them.

Nursery is that for one here too- is it really £1k for 3 kids full time??!! Where, I need to move!

I think its 1k for a couple of days a week. Not a full week.

OP I really feel for you. My dm provides 1 day of childcare for 2 dnieces and has done for many years. My sis has never paid a penny for childcare as dm and other family help. We moved away for my husbands job and pay about 600 pounds a month.

My sis has holidays/ activities for the kids etc. My dm has made clear that even if moved closer to them I shouldn't expect the same treatment (no explanation given on this). I don't want my ds or dn to go without but it is hard to see how much easier my dsis life is because childcare costs so much.

My dn are far closer to my parents than my dc ever will be, which hurts the most. Because they look after dn and visit elderly dgm in a care home on a weekend they can't come and visit us. So even though we are absolutely broke we spend money on fuel driving up every 3 months. I asked my dm for a loan of a grand to buy a car (old one kept breaking down) and she asked why I didn't manage my money better.

Sometimes it favouritism, sometimes it's chance, sometimes it's unexplainable! Just keep on trucking and do your own thing OP.

My mum did full time childcare for my eldest sister's children whilst she went back to work.

By the time I had children she was much older so I had to make other arrangements. It would never occur to me to think that she was showing favouritism to my sister. It wasn't favouritism, it was a case of 'things change'. When I read the OP I just thought 'meh, things have changed in the past 8 years and she doesn't want to look after very small children any more' which seems reasonable enough to me.

It's a puzzle to me why anyone would rather spend their precious retirement doing the school run and changing nappies. GC are lovely in small doses I'm sure, but there's a whole world out there. I guess some grandparents just like to feel more needed than others.
Horses for courses.

When I read the OP I just thought 'meh, things have changed in the past 8 years and she doesn't want to look after very small children any more' which seems reasonable enough to me.

so agree with this.

My mum can not longer cope with looking after babies. My eldest is 11 so is very easy for my mum to look after. My youngest is almost 5.

This is why mum had to put her foot down with dbro and his wife. Looking after 2 under 3 is far more difficult than an 11 year old.

They expect mum to take their kids out when she has them because she takes dd out. But it completely different and some people just don't get that.

It's no one fault I had kids way before them, it's not mums fault she is older. It's not mums fault dbro decided to have 2 close together.

It surprises me that so many people are focusing in the childcare element of this rather than the role the OP's DM is actually playing in the lives of her grandchildren. The OP didn't have children ten years later or at a considerable distance away from her DM. Her children are only a bit younger and they are at the same nursery as their cousin's school.

In this circumstance the DM should absolutely be changing her arrangements to make it fair for all involved - why on earth would then OP be 'entitled' yet the sister is not?! When one set of grandchildren is monopolising the GP's time at the detriment of the other GC then there needs to be changes made. Yes, the sister has worked hard for her career but choosing a career means choosing to pay for childcare, particularly once there are other GC involved. The sister has had this arrangement for so long but perhaps now it's time to look at other options.

OP there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, it's an unfair situation that your DM should be able to see your perspective on. However, you don't need to end up consumed by bitterness. I've avoided saying anything and, honestly, on the days that it doesn't bother me so much in glad I've avoided it. Take the high road and say anything you might regret.

You should be very factual with your mum and ask her when she last spent time with your DC and actually, what sort of situation she would like to happen with regards to them - sunday morning? Saturday afternoons? Tea one night? That's what I've had to do and although it does feel like booking time it works quite well because more often than not she ends up being busy, but I know that I've made the effort.

Whatevva I've had to really try to make my peace with the situation. Luckily, my DH is not as hot headed as I am and has talked me round but was right all along. I just take comfort in the fact that I'm not contributing to the stress my mother is under. OP I'd stop being the coper and I'd explain that Christmas arrangements need to change. Don't host them, it can't work that way forever and a bit of distance really helps.

need the reason I am not focusing in it, is because the OP is currently a sahm.

The ops mother is not looking after the sister kids during the day.

There is still plenty of time for the OP to visit her mother with the kids. But doesn't.

but there's a whole world out there.

Yes there is, and having your grandchildren as a big part of your life doesn't preclude you from having a life in any other way.

For eg Ive had 3 fabulous holidays this year all done as a solo traveller, the last of which was a whale watching holiday around Alaska a few weeks ago. And just this weekend Ive put the finishing touches to 3 holidays in 2016. One to Beirut. Another thats 3 weeks in Italy with a friend for her 70th birthday, we're going by train and just making our way down from the North to the South. We've set some challenges that involve not staying in hotels, only taking a wee bag, and doing it all as cheaply as we can. Its our version of the gap year we never had. Then later in the year I have 2 weeks away in the Carribean and Florida with another friend who's going to be 60 whilst we're away. On top of that there are my hobbies, my vegetable gardening - I keep 5 houses in all of their vegetables at this time of the year, plus there's general day to day living which takes up hours a day. And last but not least - looking after my disabled son who lives at home with me and a team of round the clock carers.

I certainly don't need to feel more needed than others and I suspect there's a sad back story to your rather cutting replies as well as the comments you make such "GC are lovely in small doses I'm sure, but there's a whole world out there".

My own mother died at the age I am now which is 57. I think of that everyday and try to never waste a day. Life really is too short and whereas my memories of Alaska and other trips Ive done will never leave me, the memories of my grandchildren pushing me in the pool yesterday after helping me with the garden, or seeing them at their school assemblies, will always trump anything I do or see when not with them.

I have to go now. Im not ignoring any replies from you. I have 3 of my grandchildren for the next ten days, their parents have gone on holiday and its time for the school run. Then there's football club for one and horse riding for the others. Then homework, bath and bed. I love it even though I fell asleep in the cinema yesterday when we went to see The Good Dragon and my DIL had to wake me up.

I don't agree that OPs mum should alter things to make it "fair".

She perhaps doesn't want to do full day care anymore.

Things like her taking her other nephews from the same school for a meal & not OP's son would be the things that would upset me more.

Your Mum picks up of your children 3 times a week from nursery? That's help in my eyes and more help than I get.

your Mum has her hands full, do you want her to stop caring for your sisters children in favour of yours? I can understand that she couldn't cope with yours, full time in addition.

When I read the OP I just thought 'meh, things have changed in the past 8 years and she doesn't want to look after very small children any more' which seems reasonable enough to me

Agree with this completely.

My mum had mine a couple of days a week when I went back to work - they were 3 and 1. They are now (nearly) 8 and 5.

It was fine a few years back. But my mum is now 60 and has developed arthritis in her hip. If one of my sisters had a baby now there's no way my mum could cope with running after a toddler again. And my sister would probably play merry hell about it and how unfair it was too

Childcare.

Family dynamics.

Inequality.

It's a mine field isn't it? And emotive too, as there's always something else / personalities / unreasonableness going on behind the scenes.

I hope you can sort it out pinky. I feel you need to assert yourself and change your role.
Try mediation?

It may well be that you have to suck it up, but mediation will help redress some imbalances, and air some grieviences with a view to resolving them into a win win for all parties.

Thanks for feedback it's really good to hear from actual grandmothers perspectives too. I understand you all saying about seeing the grandkids during the school hours but this is when she tends to do the things she needs to do, shopping, messages seeing her own mother. I can see she is totally pushed. I'm not suggesting for one minute she drop my sister and switch to caring for my kids. what I do think is more reasonable would be to have my sisters 2 days a week and the other 2 days free again but within that frame perhaps collect the eldest from school spend the afternoon. Or in the morning spend an hour or two with the toddler. I t is hurtful knowing that my mum has a room all set up for grandkids yet mine have never stayed in it. Also as a family of 3 I used to treasure getting the odd afternoon with a granny this was special time away from siblings my kids are missing out as our my parents. My mum also said I was very lucky that the kids all sleep through 7 to 7 and eat well and have a good routine but in my eyes that isn't luck it's been hard work on my part . My kids aren't hard work and my parents know that we do everything in our power to make life the best for them, I bring them up just as I have been brought up so it just seems at odds that my mother doesn't play a role like my grandmother did with us.

My DF died aged 54 and never saw my DC. I think of that everyday too. Maybe that's my sad back story.
That aside, if I left my 3 DC with my DM for ten days to go off on holiday and you were so tired you were falling asleep in the cinema, I'd be thoroughly ashamed.

Op I am on the other side of this and can completely sympathise! Dm has minded my children for several years now while I worked part time. I am currently a fulltime student and all of my children are at school, so it isn't too bad now for her. I do pay her a small amount but more importantly her relationship with my children is fantastic. I am so happy that they are so close with their GP's especially as the PIL's have no interest in them at all. Anyway roll on to now, my sister has recently had a baby which was a big surprise to all. I naturally assumed that my mother would help her with childcare and I would need to make alternative arrangements (too many children to fit all in DM's car for school run) but my mother is adamant that she cannot suddenly stop minding my lot after all of these years. It looks like my sister will need to use paid childcare which seems so unfair I have said that I will mind her baby when I am off in the summer and will help out as much as possible after that, but I am certain when it comes to it my mum will want to help too. I feel like maybe it is up to me to just go ahead and find other childcare, but to be honest as a student I really cannot afford it and I genuinely think my mother's feelings would be hurt. Nightmare situation! Anyway just putting the case across from the other side op so you can see that it can be a difficult situation for all when things change like this. My sister and I both work shifts (mine is an NHS course) so paid for childcare is awkward and expensive.

Your mum does make time she picks your child up 3 times a week and you are a sahm.

I don't believe that you couldn't find a couple of hour here and there.

I also think that you are so stuck on the idea that your mum has to do the same for you both or it's not fair, that you can't see the wood for the trees.

Your children maybe very well behaved. It still harder looking after younger children.

I am in my thirties and I don't want anymore, because I find babies too exhausting. Young children are harder, it's par for the course.

your sister's career has been prioritised, both by her and it sounds like by your mother, while you have been taken less seriously career-wise

Actually given OPs own post prior to that comment i disagree.
"It was said at the time when my sister and I were both pregnant with our firsts by my mum that she would help us out equally as much as she could and it would be to help us in our careers until things became easier for us."

OP's sister's career wasnt prioritised. They were both told the same thing when they were both pregnant with their first babies. They had the same offer of help at that moment in time. Unfortunately and very sadly OP wasnt able to take up that offer of help at that time and her sister was. OP carried on working and then when she did have her next baby she chose to stay off work for 5 years so she opted not to return to her career but to SAH, meaning she didnt need the offer of help. That means it was 8 years after the initial offer of help and of course things will have changed in that time! The offer may have expired or have different terms or whatever but it is unfair to say the sister's career was prioritised by the mother. Its truer to say OP's career was put on the back burner by her own choosing.

The OP didnt prioritise her own career so why should her mother be blamed for that. She currently doesn't work and still has her mother doing a nursery run three days a week!

A relationship with the grandchild isn't about grabbing as much free childcare as possible. The OP is free all day every day and could arrange to spend time with her mother so the children see her.

Wanting free childcare two days a week is very selfish, childcare is a cost that's not unknown. Three children will come with costs but parents should be responsible for that not others.

OP I think I know how you feel, yes your DM is not obliged to help and yes taking on 6 kids would be too much for most people but it's the seeming unfairness of it.

My DM looked after my DNs for years and regularly babysits etc. my sisters kids are older, so she was younger, they live nearer etc - there are loads of reasons why it makes sense logically.

But I still feel sad that my DCs won't be as close, and that I could really do with some help and don't really get it. It's not my mum or sisters fault but it still hurts.

Bit OT, but I am always slightly amazed when people are old enough to have children of their own, and still haven't clocked that life isn't always fair I remember vividly my grandmother telling me that life wasn't fair when I was 2 (and complaining about something to do with my cousins): ever since then, I have realised that no-one like a whiner, and life isn't always fair...

You have children: you need to factor in the expenses involved, and not assume that your mother will do the same for you as she has done for your sister. You are an adult. You know how the world works. As my mother would - and does - say: get over it.

That aside, if I left my 3 DC with my DM for ten days to go off on holiday and you were so tired you were falling asleep in the cinema, I'd be thoroughly ashamed.

CP, you are being so nasty. Of all the things you could have picked up on in my post you picked up in me falling asleep in the cinema so to clarify - Yesterday was day 1 and falling asleep had more to do with hotter than usual temps (for me) in the garden in the morning than anything else, as well as a birthday party for one of my other grandchildren that had happened the day before that I thoroughly enjoyed. There was also a late night visit to the airport to pick up a staff member who had been on holiday. And as it happens I quite often fall asleep in the cinema, even when I go on my own, which is why my children always joke - sit Mama at the end of the row so she can rest her head on the wall when she falls asleep.

Im sorry you lost your dad, that he never saw your children, and whilst nothing can ever make up for not having your parents around here's hoping that if your children have grandparents they've stepped up to the mark and given them all the love and attention they deserve. I think to be in the position where an adult child and their child is favoured over others must be the absolute pits and would make a soor ploom out of anyone - not that its done it to the OP. .

Our conversation started when you said you couldn't understand why people who were retired wanted to spend a lot of time with their grandchildren and I explained why some of us do. You obviously don't like the idea of it but there really is no need to shoot the messenger.