HELP..... no help from parents!

[pinky77]

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

Thanks ovenchips that's been really insightful. Sometimes when your in the thick of it it's hard to see true perspective but tis so true I've always been more of a coper and as much as I don't want to have to I will and myself and husband will manage just fine. Whereas with my sister if Mums childcare fell through there would be 1many avenues she could take but she would tend to flounder. So as crappy and unfair as it all seems I've got to get on with it, like you said I can't change things. Also hearing some people worse off no mother around etc I'm lucky to have what I have despite it maybe not being in the capacity that I would like but is Mum seeing all her grandchildren the way she would like probably not but she's getting on best as she can. I feel a crappy daughter for thinking about my Mum like this now but my heads just been all over the place.

You can change the way she sees you. I think she is seeing you as someone you are not.

That will in turn alter your relationship and how she responds to you.

You may also be giving your mum the excuse to change.

Right now she has no need.

Sorry I didn't say you can't change things, I think you can! But more that you can't make other people change.

You can challenge every remark that reinforces a role you've been put in. "Do you feel that about me? I don't. I think I'm..." "Do you think my sister is in need of more help on this occasion? I don't. I think I'm..." "I know I am normally available to do that but that won't work for me on this occasion". So you're not saying "You must do or think this", because you can't enforce that. But you are saying what you think/ want to do. Which if you say enough times they will actually start to hear!

Pinky I think you're on to a loser expecting your sister to take the initiative and do something so specific to help you out, without you actually asking her. It is probably not even on her radar that your mum doing the before school run is depriving your child of anything. My nephew is looked after by my parents. I really can't see my brother taking it upon himself to put DN in paid childcare just in case that might have a knock-on effect of helping us. And if he had 3 DC, even less so as that's x3 the cost. Your sister is not a mind reader and she is probably wrapped up in the substantial logistical challenges of running 3 DC, school and work.

I think you might need to choose whether it's the childcare or contact that really bugs you. I can see a case for stepping back, but it will only reduce your children's time with their GP - there is a risk of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Regular invitations at the weekend might be more productive if it's the contact you're after. And realistically, despite the extra hours of childcare your sister gets, she probably doesn't have much spare time to help out with extra tasks. I struggle enough to juggle work and schoolchildren - the only time I've ever been on top of the housework was when I was on mat leave.

After all the difficulty you are having in just organising childcare, let us not mention childbirth, temper tantrums, difficult teens, etc. do you really think a mother has to keep on giving to a kind gesture from her adult child like teaching her how to use email?

Cressandra true my sister is not a mind reader but she is also not blind or devoid of any understanding of the difficulties I could incur surely? Sometimes it is easy to turn a blind eye. As for keeping on top of things Mum cooks and cleans for her the 4 days a week so I think that's quiet a help. Her work finishes in the office kids in bed at 9 and wine time. My work starts when kids are in bed she is aware of this as she sees it first hand if calls round my husbands business is car recovery he works on call she also knows this. We have chosen our lives and are very happy with it but I think it would be very naïve on my part to think she doesn't have that awareness. I have helped her in the past with her children when Mum holidays or is sick which is rare it's just a respectful loving thing to do help one another out. I think headofthehive55 you have so given me food for thought. I see how I really slot into particular roles. Maybe I have made a rod for my own back for always being pretty self sufficient and although it wouldn't be in me to throw the hands up wailing how I cant manage I should try and alter my family's perception. My fear is that by saying sorry I can't do A/B/C right now they could think I'm angry or reluctant to help as it would be out of character. I suppose your advice would be to slowly make these changes particularly as my circumstances change going back to an office environment rather than working at home.

I think a lot of mothers like a needy child as it makes them feel wanted, or useful....when you are more independent they are pleased for you but secretly gravitate towards the child who needs them more...

ssd I think that is true. Some mothers just like to feel needed and keep giving .I dread myself the day my kinds don't need me.I'll have to be careful I'm not bringing breakfast to bed for a hairy 30yr old lol

I run after mine and they are teens but it wont be forever and I know that.

I've seen it time and time again, most notably in dh's family. His parents, esp MIL really never bothered with him or our kids, even though they were the only grandkids. MIL ran after his grown up but single siblings and they let her, into their 30's and 40's. She always said dh was more independent, but like you we had no help and really struggled around shifts and lack of money etc. If she ever babysat when the dc's were young she had to leave early everytime to cook SIL's evening meal, even though she was 35 at the time....She always knew his siblings would take more from her then dh would/did, so she gave them everything him him/us very little.

human nature is very weird.

It's how you do it pinky excited voice, gushing, oh you know me I'd help if I can, but guess what...must dash, byeee

You start straightaway. Because you need to sort out that childcare. So they need to get used to a new person coming...

Very pragmatic. No blame. What cross? Me? No? I've just got sooo much on. Then change the subject.

When someone thinks they will always be there, available you just don't treat them the same. Value yourself. Start talking exams. Celebrate your success and make sure everyone knows. Dress for the role you want to be seen in...you are important too. You might not get any childcare, but let's hope you mum can see you in a different light. And eventually see your children too.

To be a good mother doesn't mean you need to be self sacrificing. Perhaps a childminder can pick your child up from nursery so you could do a bit of work earlier? You must be shattered.

Perhaps don't say no, just not at the mo, or don't get round to it....

It's hard isn't it and appreciate your frustration. I don't think that people appreciate how difficult it is to have "useful" relatives nearby.
I have 2under 3 and juggling it is tough.
Best of luck to you anyway

I think posters are being unfair as we all want the best for our DCs, a happy childhood, and often that includes doting GPs. It is very hurtful if your DCs come second place to others who have the attention, time and hearts of GPs.

The OP is upset partly on their behalf. But I think the relationships are as they have always been, DSis the one needing and demanding attention, the more difficult, and OP is the coper.

My DM favoured my DNephews over my DDs, didn't bother me at the time But in the long run it lowered my opinion of my DM, that she could be so inconsiderate and unfair. In later years she blatantly said she preferred little boys to little girls.
When she became incapacitated in old age it was me who booked her into the care home against her wishes. I'd realised we did not have a close enough relationship for her to live with me full time. As the only DD it fell to me, DBs (the favourites) didn't see it as their concern. Karma maybe.
If there are a load of posts complaining of my hardheartedness then Good!

Ssargasso, I don't think badly of you. I know how hard it is to have relatives, even much-loved ones, living with you. My mum lived with us until she died. That was fine; we've always had a pretty good relationship, and she didn't really play favourites. She and dd were sooooo close, it would have been worth it just for that. Now my brother lives here. He and I have always been very close and got on really well. I would trust him with my life, more than I trust dh tbh. BUT living with him is different, and we are not as close as we were before he lived here.

Pinky, having read more of your posts, since I posted, I think YANBU, and that your mum is being unfair. That may distress her but that doesn't help you. I agree with those advising being less willing and able, and letting your sis put something in. Sad for your children, but it's your parents who will lose out, really.

Keep going with your fantastic family, and have the best of times.

Sadly, I think mothers are quite capable of perceiving their manipulative/selfish DC as "more needy/deserving" and their more considerate/altruistic DC as "copers/helpers".

Pinky, I think you had a lot of reasons to cry after that conversation because it really did illustrate very clearly how everything is. When she sees them for the 5 minutes or so .................... I find that heartbreaking.

And for what its worth your mum should be ashamed of herself for being so possessive that she does childcare so another granny cant get a look in. What's going on there? What's it all about? Is it your mums personality or is there another back story going on?

I think you're going to have to change your family dynamics a bit because you do deserve more of a feel good factor as a daughter and your children certainly deserve more as grandchildren. Its not even about the babysitting anymore. Its the dynamics of your family life as a whole.

It's really low that one of the reasons your mum doesn't want to see your children more is because she wants to be ahead of the other granny. I would be really, really hurt and annoyed by that. And would probably have let her know.

as a mum of boys, I really feel for the other granny, it must be hard enough being a MIL going by what I've read on here, but when the other granny doesnt give you a look in either and hogs the kids attention it must really hurt

sorry op, your mum doesnt sound like a very nice person.

honestly, this is awful

"Secondly she said she truly enjoys it, if feeling a little pushed at times but couldn't face the prospect of my sisters mother in law now that shes retired stepping into her shoes and developing as good a relationship with the GC. I pointed out how her trying competitively to be the best granny to one set she was missing out on being much of a granny to another set at all. To which she replied she certainly didn't love mine any less and that a glimpse or 2 for 5 mins or so a week at mine was enough as she knows how well we look after the kids"

A. she's deliberately not letting the other granny get a look in

B. 5 minutes a week of your kids is enough for her

it does sound as if your mum and your sister are very similar personalities and you are the one who is better less selfish.

Pinky - you have done well with your talk - so much better than I did! I had similar with my mother, and it all ended in an out and out row, and things just got more entrenched. It was never really about the childcare/attention from grandparents. My DC were 'dumped' for the younger more local ones. I was a coper, I coped and because they were focussed elsewhere, I could see the DC's relationship with their DGP dropping off. They were not even there to greet us when we arrived after a 5 hr journey at times! I think they stopped knowing me, and never really got to know their dgc. I carried on doing what was right and proper but lost all respect.

What set it all off was my DM telling me to organise my other siblings to buy my 'needy' sibling a set of matching cutlery for Christmas. This was because we had matching cutlery and she did not. She was 32 FFS, had just got married and had money and vouchers as presents to buy stuff and quite capable of buying her own set of matching cutlery. It was just so ridiculous.

If you are going back to work, you will just have to be pragmatic about your priorities and people will just have to live with it.

Why do people always come onto these threads and say that parents aren't obliged to provide free childcare? Of course they're not obliged to. But the fact that they have for one means that they should, in the interests of fairness, do the same for the other if they also need it.

No it doesn't. My son is 13. Does that mean that back in 2002 when I had him I had to take into account that he might have four children and I'd have to look after all of them? No. I might help with number one. I might help with all. Or I might not help with any. That's my choice. Equally if I'd had two children I might only help out with one grandchild even though they might have had 5 between them for example.

GPs have no obligation AT ALL to look after grandkids. They might do for the first sibling with kids. But they're not getting any younger and they might decide that they want a life of their own. People really take the mickey when they expect their parents to look after their kids. Nobody holds a gun to your head and makes you have kids, so have a think before you decide to have them about how you will cope, and don't make assumptions about parental assistance.

In this case, the mum already helps 3 days a week and for appointments etc. Sounds quite good to me.

Hey all, thanks for all the advice. Talked it over with my husband and we have sorted the nursery collections 3 times a week as like I said the reasoning was because pickup times for 5 yr old and 3yr old were same time. So 3 yr old is goin in2 the paid nursery these 3 days for longer and my eldest an afterschool club just to get them prepared for the childcare which will be starting in March. Leaving with my youngest these afternoons to get some loose ends tied up. This is all happening in the new term January and all of a sudden I just feel more confident about it. Of course the cost is a lot but as I've realised this probably hasn't been the main issue. So anyway Phoned Mum and let her know. It was like the end of the world. It seemed like everyone just thinks I'm toying with the idea of going back to work and by not offering any chilcare help it would mean I'd stay at home? Neway now it sunk in she said You realise strangers will be looking after your children. Whatttt? Like if I've no family to help out then yes strangers will be looking after them but qualified strangers .... please don't make me worry anymore about it!? Also she wants to continue with this 3 times a week pick up thing but I don't want to be beholden to it. So if I'm going going to be independent i'd rather just do it all on my own. I said theres no problem seeing the kids she can pop up anytime whenever but she seems adamant that she wants to continue picking up and that suits her!!???

It does not sound like letting her know was a good idea - just make your arrangements and inform her of what affects her.

She is really going for pushing and pulling you around, isn't she!

It is probably more important that your childcare arrangements are sustainable and dependable.

Oh and . It really is not nice when people do that to you.