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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take one of my DC on holiday with us?

236 replies

livvielunch · 11/12/2015 23:38

I have four DDs aged 9, 4, 3 and 9 months. My 9 year old is from my previous marriage. She's currently going through her preteen moody phase and is particularly keen on pushing boundaries, ignoring DH and I and being mean to her siblings. We want to go to Disneyland at Easter and I'm considering whether to go when she is away at her fathers. Obviously she will have holidays there that her siblings here do not, which she then gloats about to them. If she came she'd be constantly moaning it's babyish, telling her sisters the characters aren't real, complaining about sharing a room, calling her sisters babies and idiots for liking princesses etc. The younger three would have a much, much better time without her but it feels wrong going on a family holiday without a member of the family. Aibu to consider going without her?

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 12/12/2015 11:02

Your nine year old daughter knows already you are not as fond of her as her sisters She knows that and she is jealous of them because of it That is the issue and bullying her by leaving her out will not solve the problem, but further deepen the wounds she feels
You need to change your behaviour towards her, to give her a chance to feel, as much as her sisters others do, a valuable, wanted member of your young family You have a very busy family, and very little time, but you could try this:

Try commiting to spending just 15 minutes one-to-one time of giving your undivided positive attention twice daily (happy, encourageing, warm tone of voice, ask what are her favourite activities/friends/songs, etc, maybe play cards/have hot chocolate and sit somewhere alone together) If you do this twice a day, she will notice, and may start to feel more wanted, and that you do care about her as much as the younger three sisters You can offer the same to her sisters, and they will respect that it is our nine year old's turn, and look forward to their one-to-one time

As an outsider who lives with her Dad, she is walking into a busy, well-connected family every time she comes to stay. She may feel second best and feel very insecure about her relationship with you as she has o re-establish her connection with you each time she comes  compared to the others.       I hope you can find a way to connect/re-connect with your daughter
Solina · 12/12/2015 11:04

I suggest you sit down alone with your dd and ask her? Alone so she wont pretend in front of her sisters and you will get a real answer. Explain her the plan and ask if she wants to come or stay at her dads instead. She should be allowed a choice rather than you choosing for her. But I see no harm leaving her to her dad if that is what she really wants.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/12/2015 11:06

Moonriver1

"What I suspect is that your dp finds her an inconvenience."

The dp has barely been mentioned, yet it is still their fault, ffs.

GinIsTheBestChristmasSpirit · 12/12/2015 11:13

9 year olds are a pain in the arse. They are desperately trying to be grown up and prove how mature they are when really they are still little girls.

My 9 year old has me tearing my hair out regularly with similar things.

I would sit her down and talk to her about it. Tell her you know it's all babyish for her but her sisters will love it and you would all be sad if she wasn't there. I've not been to the Paris Disney but the Florida one has some rides that the little ones wouldn't be able to go on but she would. Enthuse about those and how you need someone to come on the big girl rides with you. Ask her if she could help you with the others, you need someone special and important to help you and stepdad after all as there are 3 little ones.

Sell it to her but do it right. Focus on how you know how she isn't a baby anymore but you know she loves her sisters and would love to see them so excited. Focus on "grown up" things you could do together to make it fun for you all.

This worked with my eldest when we had similar outbursts. She just wanted to be acknowledged as older and important as she felt like the younger ones got more attention (especially the baby) and wanted to feel special.

midsummabreak · 12/12/2015 11:18

I believe it could be hurtful to ask your child if they want to be part of a family trip Obv the child will tell you if they dont want to come
By asking her, she feels as though you are just adding her on to the real family, who were, of course not asked, but automatically included.
It will immediately alert her that you are already considering the possibility of leaving her out Please try to treat her as equally wanted and needed on your family holiday
Can you try a holiday that is really fun but shorter first?

tuilamum · 12/12/2015 11:22

Oh I feel for you DD, I was in this situation when I was younger, left out of holidays, accused of being a stroppy (pre)teen, etc. That's because my stepdad was a knob tho... Idk what your DP is like.
Just be careful, take her opinion into account, and realise that now you have a new DP and new kids she probably feels a bit like a spare part.
Ask her what she would like to do - "we're going to go on holiday to Disneyland but I noticed you didn't seem very keen on it the other day, i would like it if we could all go together but I understand if you'd like to spend time with your dad instead"
That way you're making it clear that you want to include her but also that you're not going to force her, and that you're taking an interest in her opinion and noticing her likes/dislikes.
Please don't just leave her without explanation/giving her a choice, because despite her outer demeanor it will probably break her heart

Scholes34 · 12/12/2015 11:28

I love family holidays with just us and no distractions from each other's company, and that's why it's important to spend holidays together. We've had the best times holed up in a tent whilst it's pouring, playing cards and eating cake.

YABU to miss an opportunity to spend quality time altogether on holiday. Disneyland doesn't seem to be an appropriate choice for what your family needs.

Spitefulness amongst siblings doesn't have to be accepted as the norm as a pp said.

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 11:43

spanky yes sorry should have said my opinion doesn't apply to children with SN or additional needs - obviously that's very different I'm talking about people who's children just seem an inconvenience to them like the OP

Apologies if I offended Christmas

MascaraAndConverse89 · 12/12/2015 11:51

Mascara Because I'm old and I've seen this happen many times. I also struggle to believe or understand that a parent can actually feel this way and act this way towards their own child. So I suspect cohersion or manipulation from the partner who is not the child's parents. Of course I could be wrong. I only suspect it.
I think it's just a big shiny chip on your shoulder tbh.
The OP has her own mind. Parents can and do treat their own children differently.

Narp · 12/12/2015 11:52

I agree with you, midsummer. Even asking the question is making the point that she is different from her siblings.

liinyo · 12/12/2015 11:56

People can and do treat children differently.

Indeed they do. My inter and I were the offspring of my mum's first, abusive marriage. Our brother was the child of her much happier second relationship. My sister and I were treated (and loved) very differently to him by my mum (not by her second husband, a lovely man who I considered my dad in every important way). Fifty years on our fractured unhappy family is the legacy of this treatment.

WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww · 12/12/2015 11:56

Agree Mascara. My mother hated me because I was like my father (who left her) and his mother (who did not approve of their marriage). She made my life hell, I actually used to wish I would die in my sleep. To my siblings though, she is Mother Teresa with bells on.

liinyo · 12/12/2015 11:57

Not inter, SISTER. Damn you autocorrect.

DiscoDiva70 · 12/12/2015 12:11

Another poster pointed out something I also found odd, that the Op's 4 year old would respond to the thought of going to Disney land with "that sounds amazing".

Imo it's not something a child of that age would say.

I actually hope the Op isn't really this poor girls mum and that it really is a reverse story, because then this little girl most probably has her own real mum who loves her unconditionally, as a mother should.

reni2 · 12/12/2015 12:12

She is hurting and you need to address that. Having been on the planet for 5 more years than somebody else is no achievement at all and I would tell her exactly that.

Do try and convince her to come. Have a blanket ban on the word "babyish" and "idiots". Whatever the reasons for her to feel left out, making someone else feel shit about who they are is no way to feel better, she has to learn that.

Moonriver1 · 12/12/2015 12:16

Why do you think I've got a chip on my shoulder Mascara? I'm not in this situation, nor are my children.

I never fail to be amazed at the arsiness on AIBU for no reason! Grin

As I said earlier, it was a suspicion and one of the first things I thought when I read the OP.

I might well be absolutely wrong.

ChristmasHousewife · 12/12/2015 12:17

Sorry too, Piper I was slightly aggressive. It's a sore point, and I shouldn't have been rude.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 12/12/2015 12:25

Not just you Moonriver. The others who automatically thought a stepparent was behind this. Some actually suspected that the OP was actually the girl's SM rather than mum.

It just shows that not all mums are the paragons of virtue doesn't it? Grin

tattychicken · 12/12/2015 12:58

My eldest DD sounds like your DD. She was an only until she was 4 years old, then I had three more in quick succession so by the time she was 6.5 years she was the eldest of 4DC. Her behaviour deteriorated rapidly, and she was very hard to deal with. I know I must have disappeared for her, in a fog of babies and breastfeeding and PND. And she felt rejected, confused and unloved. This was without the added disruption of the new partners/blended families.

The worse she got, the more she was hurting, the more I hugged her close, kissed her, took her out for a quick hot chocolate, stayed up late and we cuddled on the sofa watching a "big girl" film. I read her bed time stories, let her regress a little bit. It's easy to think they're older than they are, especially when you're dealing with babies and toddlers. She really is still a little girl.

It is very hard. Our age gaps are similar, and I really struggle to give each child enough time. But I really think she is hurting, and thinks you don't love her. Leaving her behind will confirm her worst fears.

clam · 12/12/2015 13:15

There are some comments on here that are bang out-of-line.

How dare anyone invent imy that the OP's dh resents her daughter? Where the hell did that come from?

Not surprised the OP has disappeared.

cleaty · 12/12/2015 13:35

I think some posters said about the OP's DP, because they really hope a mum wouldn't feel like this about their own child.

Lamaitresse · 12/12/2015 13:37

We have had a few challenges with ds (8), especially since dd (22 months) came along. They adore each other, but obviously life has changed a lot for him. He can remember being an only child, and we are very aware how much things have changed.
Whenever we can either dh or I spend time with him on our own. His behaviour really benefits from being with him, even just talking or playing a game.
With regard to Disneyland, I agree with pp's that your three younger daughters are too little.
We went to Disneyland Paris in the summer, which was a bit of a nightmare during the day as my then 17 month old daughter was too little for most of the rides, and it was a very long day for her. We were lucky enough to go with my dad, who babysat dd in the evening whilst ds and I went back. I have to say that evening was one of the highlights of my year, just being with ds and racing round hand in hand doing all the rides we weren't able to do during the day. Such a special time for both of us.
If you really want to go then my advice would be just to take your older dd. Maybe leave dh at home with the younger 3, and go and spend some time with her. Have fun, cherish her, and I'm sure she won't really think it's babyish when it's just you and her together.

LightDrizzle · 12/12/2015 13:57

I can't believe what a slating the OP has had here, and how patronising some of the responses are "try spending one-on-one time either her" etc. - which the OP is already doing.
I agree with previous posters about asking her what she wants, but don't do it in front of her siblings, when she might feel compelled to keep up the too grown-up act. Wait until you are having a nice time on your date night and "confide" in her that you were planning to go to Disneyland but now you're worried she won't enjoy it. Let her respond. If she is dead against it, ask if she'd prefer to go to her dad's while you all go, or should you all wait until the little ones are a bit older and she is more into the rollercoasters.
I don't think YANBU but it's dangerous territory. Other posters are right that your other DC will get more out of it in a year or two, so why not involve your stroppy little moo in choosing a holiday she will enjoy this year.
For everyone claiming that DD1's attitude must signify deep damage and family isolation, my DD1 and some of her friends went through a sort of mini-adolescence at around eight. They start to assert their independence and become much more peer orientated. There was eye-rolling, studied boredom, sly and snide behaviour and they were a bunch of Heathers at school. She had no siblings and no "broken" family.
It passed and she reverted to general loveliness. She and her once snotty little peers are very successful 24 year-olds who remain close to their families.
Maybe the step-sibling situation has made this child insecure and contributed to her behaviour but there is an awful lot if supposition going on here.

LightDrizzle · 12/12/2015 13:59

YABU - not YANBU!

SilverOldie2 · 12/12/2015 14:21

OP, I have no children but I was a child a long time ago and I would bet any money that your daughter is feeling insecure. By saying she would prefer to go to school she is in fact testing you and is DESPERATELY hoping you will prove how much you love her by telling her how important she is in your life, how much you love her and begging her to go. Please don't let her down.