to not take one of my DC on holiday with us?

[livvielunch]

I have four DDs aged 9, 4, 3 and 9 months. My 9 year old is from my previous marriage. She's currently going through her preteen moody phase and is particularly keen on pushing boundaries, ignoring DH and I and being mean to her siblings. We want to go to Disneyland at Easter and I'm considering whether to go when she is away at her fathers. Obviously she will have holidays there that her siblings here do not, which she then gloats about to them. If she came she'd be constantly moaning it's babyish, telling her sisters the characters aren't real, complaining about sharing a room, calling her sisters babies and idiots for liking princesses etc. The younger three would have a much, much better time without her but it feels wrong going on a family holiday without a member of the family. Aibu to consider going without her?

"All this pushed out stuff is rubbish. She isn't pushed out at all. Her sisters adore her and forgive her anything, they spend their lives running her to school and activities. I have time 1:1 each day with her reading at bedtime and we have a date night/day once per fortnight. A lot of the time she is great but when she isn't she is foul."

Page 3 the OP telling us she has 1:1 with her DD.

Oh dear. You of course can't force them no, you can just give them the best chance, teaching them to understand and respect each other and treating them equally and fairly, which is what I think OP should do. If any of my children hated and loathed each other, I'd feel pretty shit TBH sorry to assume, you just sounded like you were speaking from experience, I was actually responding to you saying my post was "drivel" which I obvs disagree with - relationships with our siblings can be so crucial and supportive, not to mention how great it is when all of their children's cousins are happy together and its so sad when they're not.

You know boney I would find you impossible to argue with. But, reading this thread, it is seline's opinion I would put weight on. It's hopeful, kind and constructive. Your message is pretty desolate.

Selinemaratima

Apologies for using "drivel"

I agree that

"relationships with our siblings can be so crucial and supportive"

but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way, I am thinking about terms such as "blood is thicker than water" and others that imply that you must love your family above all else.

Taking it a stage further, how many times do we see on here posters saying you must forgive as they are family, brother, sister, mother father?

The stately homes thread is full of people whose parents claim to have brought up siblings equally, threads on here about how we should forgive family as partners don't last forever.

Saying that love should be unconditional, as far as I can see love should be conditional on respect and understanding, and if that isn't present from both sides then it won't work, whether its wife and husband, siblings, daughter and mother etc.

[ settlinginnicely]
💐 thank you x

You are right in that love can't and shouldn't be unconditional between siblings who wrong each other, although I do believe that we should try to forgive them, and I believe most do, more so than (say) friends. My point was never that blood is thicker than water - if you knew my personal family saga you'd know I'd never say that 😊- Adult relationships are very different; but, the OP's children are effectively babies and by her hanging the majority of the discord her family has on her 9yrold; will only ensure that her sisters see her as the scapegoat and she will undoubtedly see them as the golden do-no-wrong siblings, and this resentment will only get bigger as they and their behaviour matures, resulting in an unfair dislike of one-another IYSWIM, their resentment will be born from, what I consider fairly normal 'young family' behaviour and nothing terribly bad that the 9yrold has done to her sisters per se, because she's 9 and is (quite rightly pissed off with the world) showing her unhappiness in the only way she knows. If an adult sibling upsets the other it's totally different than having a pre-conceived opinion of them, based on their behaviour when they were 9, consequently IMO, the risk of the 9yrold becoming the scapegoat for the whole family, based on the outcome from this one holiday, are massive.

Aeroflot roll those eyes

Selinemaratima

I do agree, the OP (entire adult family) needs to make sure that the 9yr old isn't scapegoated (sp).

The child shouldn't miss out and the adults really could do with sitting down and sorting this out.

There does seem to be major issues on both sides (adults) causing issues with the children, if the adults can sort themselves out then the children should have a good chance.

Absolutely [boney] afterall the OP isn't the only parent here, we don't even know, the 9yrold might even have a stepmother plus other siblings at her dads home. It's too much for her to handle, I'm not surprised the OP has ducked out, but it'd be good to know if she has any plans re the holiday now, after reading these responses, if she feels differently etc I can imagine she must feel pretty low, hopefully she finds most of this constructive eh. Take care x

Oh dear, I have to say this would be very hard for her to take. We sometimes go on holiday and leave some kids at home ibut this has to be done a particular way. Firstly ours are 22, 20, 10 and bump. Eldest 2 are from partners previous marriage. We have been on several holidays with out the big ones and simply stated that they are old enough to go it alone ( and they do) preferring 2 weeks in shagaloof to following us about. Now we will probably start going on some trips with just the baby. The 10 year old does very nicely for holidays already, he skied in the spring, we all went to Florida ( including the twenty something's) in the summer and he has also been to stay with a friend in Hong Kong this autumn and with school to France for a week both without us so I don't feel it unfair to take a little trip without him and he understands that he can't have it all. The only hope I think you have is to send dd on some fabulous summer camp type experience and then tell her you are taking the others away to make up for the fact they aren't going to camp whatever. Otherwise you simply must include her. I can't help feeling you are missing something here, Ds aged 10 is already so warm and loving towards bump and excited to meet her. I have made a huge effort to make him feel as important as possible to her, including him in big moments like the gender scan, shopping for the nursery and he will also be at the birth and will continue to put him on a big pedestal as ' big brother'. I know he will be the most loving sibling and I will be very careful to be sure he is secure in his position and role in the family. I can honestly see him being like a 3rd parent. The older two obviously don't need such careful handling . Maybe you need to seek help or change the way you handle the relationship between dd and her younger siblings.

Wow literally stunned!

Poor girl that clearly doesn't fit into the new happy family, no wonder her behaviour isn't great she must feel so unwanted and excluded.

The fact so many people didn't even believe you were her mum speaks volumes!