Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take one of my DC on holiday with us?

236 replies

livvielunch · 11/12/2015 23:38

I have four DDs aged 9, 4, 3 and 9 months. My 9 year old is from my previous marriage. She's currently going through her preteen moody phase and is particularly keen on pushing boundaries, ignoring DH and I and being mean to her siblings. We want to go to Disneyland at Easter and I'm considering whether to go when she is away at her fathers. Obviously she will have holidays there that her siblings here do not, which she then gloats about to them. If she came she'd be constantly moaning it's babyish, telling her sisters the characters aren't real, complaining about sharing a room, calling her sisters babies and idiots for liking princesses etc. The younger three would have a much, much better time without her but it feels wrong going on a family holiday without a member of the family. Aibu to consider going without her?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/12/2015 00:04

But your DS had exams Creiddy, would you have left him at home just because you thought he'd argue with his brothers/sisters?

I can't think of a single set of siblings who haven't argued like cat/dog.

I reckon your DD1 stands out so much because she's so much older than the other three, but that's hardly her fault though is it OP?

GloGirl · 12/12/2015 00:04

Parenting is providing for them, helping the work through the tough stuff and introducing them to the good things.

But yes, complain she's being a whiney child and exclude her from a holiday you're taking her siblings on. She's been an only child for 5 years before these ones came along so she should learn to get out of the way .

I'm reminded of a recent meme I saw "The child that needs the most love will ask for it in the most unloving way"

And yes, I also think you use be a step mum and it doesn't change my opinion a jot.

GloGirl · 12/12/2015 00:05

'You are a...' Goodness knows what I was typing there!

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:06

Did you ever think OP that she may have issues with the fact that her sisters and stepdad and you are one related family and she's from a "broken home"? And that why she acts out?

Minibelle · 12/12/2015 00:06

So what would you do if she was also your dh's child, leave her with someone else while you go on holiday? You're obviously treating her differently as she has a different father.

Try including her in your family maybe she will feel more loved and secure and her behaviour will improve.
Tbh if you think this is acceptable it makes me wonder in what other says is she treated unfairly.

She's 9 be a parent and parent her for fuck sake.

Pobspits · 12/12/2015 00:06

Just quickly to clarify - you told her about the trip? In what sort of conversation? Did you tell her she was it wasn't coming? Why did she just say her sisters were going to a baby place? Did you use it as a weapon in an argument with her?

Original poster
livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:07

I'm not mean and unfeeling, I am trying to consider what's best for all the DC. For one of her sisters birthdays recently we went to a theme park and she spent the entire day saying how babyish it was, how she'd rather be at school, how none of the mascots are real, how big girls don't like this rubbish and they're idiots for liking it etc. She'd said before she'd rather not go and I wish I'd listened.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/12/2015 00:08

How did you react when she said those things OP?

Did you tell her to pack it in talking like that and then go on to say all the brilliant things you'll do together?

Or did you make it clear that you felt the same?

Pobspits · 12/12/2015 00:08

I bet she wishes you'd listen to and hear what's really going on.

Pobspits · 12/12/2015 00:08

*too

Original poster
livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:10

I was telling one of the DDs about Disney after seeing an advert and she said it sounded amazing. Eldest dd started ranting about how it's stupid and babyish and she'd hate to go there.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 12/12/2015 00:10

I also think this is likely a stepdaughter than a daughter. If not I'm even more horrified and suspect she is behaving this way because she already feels pushed away herself which is an unbelievably cruel thing to do to a 9 YEAR OLD! If this is really your own child is she very like your ex and you're projecting?

Pushing boundaries is part of normal development. It's how they learn to be independant. Are you going to reject your other children when they do the same at various ages? Because that's what you're doing rejecting her from the nice part of family life.

It's also scapegoating to differentiate her from her siblings and that's just as harmful to them as her.

gBean · 12/12/2015 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pobspits · 12/12/2015 00:12

I think you have bigger issues in your life right now OP than booking holidays with Dh and kids

AgentZigzag · 12/12/2015 00:13

How do you deal with it when she talks like that livvie?

Twirlywoooo · 12/12/2015 00:14

You're not mean and unfeeling?

Sorry, but yes, yes you are. I'd add cruel to that too.

She's 9 ffs. She's acting out, most probably for attention. Judging by the tone of your posts, it comes across that you don't appear to like her very much.

Poor girl.

AbbyCadabra · 12/12/2015 00:14

Which dd thought Disney "sounded amazing"? The four year old?

Original poster
livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:14

I always try to encourage and include her Agent and sometimes it works and she's lovely but when it doesn't she is extremely spiteful to her sisters. Yes I know it's normal sibling stuff but forcing her to come when there's another option just seems more likely to cause resentment from her which will then spoil the holiday for her sisters, only for her to spend the other week away with her father and come back gloating to her sisters about having a great holiday

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:15

So she whines a bit. Big deal, it's your job to rein it in. Heaven knows how you'll cope when your youngest 3 will be a similar age round about the same time as each other!

Think about what you're suggesting OP - excluding her from a child-centric holiday. That is mean and unfeeling. The fact she gets holidays with her other parent is entirely beside the point. What if he or she chose to do the same and relied on you to provide holidays?

ghostyslovesheep · 12/12/2015 00:15

seriously OP can you not be an adult and understand that kids say things they don't mean

you would be very unreasonable and cruel not to take her :(

namechangedtoday15 · 12/12/2015 00:15

If she's behaving like that at 9 you need to explain that it's not acceptable. Explain to her why and the consequences of spoiling a day out. Follow through on the consequences if she doesn't stop treating her sisters like that.

But when you're sitting with her having 1:1 time explaining why you followed through with the consequences you need to tell her how much she's loved. How you and you DH love her and her sisters and that you want her to be part of this family. That she's always going to be part of this family. And I know it will be hard with 3 younger siblings but I guess you probably don't do much for her age -arrange something that she'd love and let her know you love her.

MsWazowski · 12/12/2015 00:15

It seems like she feels pushed out of your family, trying to get attention, whether good or bad. Poor love, I really feel for her. Does she know that she's as loved as her siblings?

Original poster
livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:16

Yes Abby

Agent I told her she's entitled to her opinion but there's no need to voice it in a way that isn't considerate to other people's feelings.

OP posts:
GlitorisyesIsaidGlitoris · 12/12/2015 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:18

If you think that saying its babyish means she doesn't wanna come then you're very naive. It's Disneyland. She's nine. Of course she'll want to go.

Did you expect MN to say "aw poor you Hun mum knows best you sound like an amazing mum xxxx"