to not take one of my DC on holiday with us?

[livvielunch]

I have four DDs aged 9, 4, 3 and 9 months. My 9 year old is from my previous marriage. She's currently going through her preteen moody phase and is particularly keen on pushing boundaries, ignoring DH and I and being mean to her siblings. We want to go to Disneyland at Easter and I'm considering whether to go when she is away at her fathers. Obviously she will have holidays there that her siblings here do not, which she then gloats about to them. If she came she'd be constantly moaning it's babyish, telling her sisters the characters aren't real, complaining about sharing a room, calling her sisters babies and idiots for liking princesses etc. The younger three would have a much, much better time without her but it feels wrong going on a family holiday without a member of the family. Aibu to consider going without her?

Wow. Lots of judging and projection on this thread!
OP, maybe you should postpone a holiday like this for a year or two until the baby is a bit older and gets something from it. In the meantime, work on your eldest' behaviour (different thread!)

Good luck. Sounds very difficult.

I thought you were going to say the 9 month old. I left my DS with his grandparents when we took my DD to Disneyland Paris as he would have hated it.

However there is no way I would even contemplate leaving an older child at home unless they specifically asked not to go.

When she ruined the day at the theme Park, what were the consequences? If one of my children was ruining the day we would go and sit in the car until they could behave. If they ended up missing the whole day so be it. You need to manage your daughters behaviour. As soon as she acts up manage it. Praise the good behaviour, look for opportunities when she does things right. Start a reward system rewarding positive behaviour and consequences for spoiling things for her sisters. She does this because she is allowed to get away with it, it is attention seeking behaviour. You can change this do not put it down to being a stroppy pre teen, 9 year olds do not normally say they would hate a trip to Disney!

Good advice from previous poster to delay it a year whilst you work on her behaviour and the little ones can enjoy it more.

Personally I'd be looking to spend total 1:1 time with my 9 year old rather than excluding her. No doubt she'll push you away to start with but for her sake you must persevere, she's only 9

It sounds like she's playing up for attention and even negative reactions are better than nothing for her.

I have an 11 year old & 9 year old, the eldest used (still does sometimes) cause problems purely to seek attention, not that he admits it. I now really try to give each of them individual time and attention and it really helps. The youngest has never done it as he sees how ridiculous his older brother looks when he's doing it.

Good luck and remember she might be you're eldest but she probably just wants to be your baby iyswm. If your other children were older than her you would probably view her differently.

I wish you'd all give it a rest with the "I think you're the stepmum" "your DD/DSD" etc. I'm a mum and a stepmum and I really fucking resent this attitude on here all the time.

FWIW we took all the kids to Disneyland; DSS was nine and started off like your nine-year-old: he moaned, thought it was uncool, said he'd rather be at school, it was boring. We said the word 'boring' was banned, I took him on all the rollercoasters and by the end he was posing for pics with Goody. He's 16 next week and still talks about what a great holiday it was. We never mention what hard work he was at the start of it... we just feel really glad that's how he remembers it.
Don't leave her behind. It may be hard work at times, yes, but you can make great memories.

Goofy of course, not Goody.

Bless her Op. She sounds very unhappy.

Don't leave her behind. My dd is 9 she loves Disney so would your dd too, she is just pretending.

Hope you get to the bottom of why she is so unhappy.

I'd leave it a few years. The little one will be able to have fun and create memories, and the oldest one will be mature enough to enjoy her sisters' enjoyment of it iyswim.

In general, when it cones to hols, I wouldn't leave a child under 14/15 out, even if they express a preference to be elsewhere.

Disney with those age ranges is a mistake.

The 9 month old is too young for anything and will tie up 1 parent.

The 3 & 4 year old will want different age range rides to the 9 year old. They will not be able to go on some she can. So who do you queue for the hours for?

From your DD's point of view she was 4 ish when you split with her dad, got a new partner, got pregnant, had another DD, then a year later another child, then barely settled down until another child.

What has her dad done in that time?

She is 9. Parent her don't abandon/punish her.

Your dh should look after the little ones while you take dd1, somewhere she'd like for the weekend xx

Why is it so many people see a problem in a relationship between a Mum and a child, and start with all the "you must be her step mum!" It really is showing up the anti SM feeling of s lot of posters!

OP, as a couple of others have suggested, I would sit down with her, and have a proper conversation with her, where you give her the choice. Make sure you reassure her about how much you love her, and that you want her to come. If she says no, and you are sure she means it, then go without her. If you do go without her, could you let her have some input into choosing where you all go next time? Or could you do a more grown up weekend away with just her at some point, and leave the others with grandparents?

I only have one daughter but at age 4 she was Disney princess mad, sick of it by age 7/8 but has started to like it again at age 12. She has enjoyed many theme parks but because Disney Princess etc is so heavily marketed at KS1 age group, it means that there is a genuine backlash to it at age 8ish. If you wait a couple of years your daughter might not be so anti-Disney.

Back to your post.. The others are probably right about your daughter feeling insecure about her place in the family. Gaining a sibling is apparently as stressful as your husband taking a second wife. Your daughter has gained 3 new siblings and a man who lives in the same house. Even if they love and adore her it is very stressful for her and she needs reassurance especially as she is the only one from your "old" family.
I have seen a internet meme "The child who misbehaves the most is the one who needs you most." I think it's very true.
My youngest is in y5 and I think there is quite a lot of cocky behaviour in y5/6 based on the fact that they are the oldest at their school and that confidence leads to an attempt at behaving in a way that they consider more adult.
Of course you need to stamp out unkindness but some understanding and sympathy would probably go a long way.

I have a 9 year old who regularly says that things her 6 yr old brother likes to do is 'babyish'. She does it to try to get her own way, so, tv show is babyish, so she can get to watch an older child related show, or get to go to a park that is where she wants to go. But, actually, she still loves those 'babyish' shows and watches them avidly with DS when they are on, and loves those places.

9 is a perfect age for disneyland imo. She doesn't want you to know quite how much she would enjoy it for some reason. wants to appear grown up, doesn't think you are actually going, so has no reason to actually show a real interest, just using it as a way to show you she is not a baby any more.

But, actually, regardless of her moods, her stroppiness, her denial of enjoyment of this kind of thing, she 6does not mean it^. 9 year olds were learning to manipulate with words, with behaviour, to get reactions, to test how you feel about them, to test their security. Your job is to remain there for her during these tests, to show her that you are, and always will be there, and that she is important and loved. If you exclude her from an enormous family holiday because of her 'poor' behaviour, you are showing her that actually, her fears of not being important, not being loved, not being there for her, are real. You will in effect destroy your relationship with her, and potentially between her and her siblings.

I am absolutely amazed, and sad for your DD that you would even contemplate going away without her, and thinking that you would have a better time without her there. If I went on a holiday like that without my DD, no matter how bad her behaviour, I just couldn't enjoy it, as I would feel the family was not complete, I would constantly be reminded of things she might enjoy, was she sad without us. How could you enjoy it without her there? Maybe you need to think about a holiday that everyone would enjoy, including your DD.

She is being a 9 year old. Your job, however hard, is not to rise to it, since you are the adult.

OP I'm sure you've posted about your DD on here before.

Weren't you considering sending her to live with her dad? I'm sure that thread got deleted because it ended so badly.

I agree with Isetan's post

Your poor DD sounds very insecure and unhappy. Hope you can find out why OP. There's a technique called lovebombing that might be useful to you.

If she's 9 can you give her the option? Tell her what you're doing, ask her if she wants to come or stop with her dad instead while you're away? If she's 9 surely she's old enough to understand the choice, by the sounds of it she'll choose to stay with her Dad so you can go without her without feeling guilty.

We're going on holiday without (my) our eldest next year. He will also be 9 then and has additional needs so to be honest it's a well earned break for our younger children.

Having said that, we're having a cheap week in the UK. I could and would never, ever do something as special as Disneyland without him. He drives me mental but I couldn't bear the thought of how devastated he'd be. It would make an already difficult relationship impossible.

We went to Disneyland, with him, this year. He loved it and was brilliantly behaved and I'm so glad he was there. So I think YABU to think of doing such a big thing without one of your children. Go to Butlins or something if you want a week away.

I do believe you are talking about your own daughter, not a stepdaughter.

What I suspect is that your dp finds her an inconvenience.

As many others have said, my heart aches for your 9 year old dd who has likely felt usurped and favoured by three new girls coming along in quick succession as its, without being branded the trouble maker and being marginalised like this.

I agree with the poster who said all the 'babyish' comments are her way of saying she resents the younger daughters who have mum's time.

You should be doing everything in your power to understand and help your little girl with her feelings. Let her talk and really listen to her.

Talk to her and support her and make time for her, and do not exclude her from this holiday or any family plans.

I feel really angry with you, OP.

It sounds like she is acting out in an attempt to get some attention. Give her the attention. Big her up as your special girl. Give her time on her own away from the other three. Tell her you will miss her when she goes off to her dads and make a fuss of her when she comes back. It is HARD to have two families and have to move between two homes especially when the three little ones don't have that burden and get to have their mum and dad with them always.

Remember she may be like your ex, but she isn't your ex. She is a child who lost her united family through no fault of her own and you and her are both suffering from the fall-out.

BUT also have consistent boundaries about behaviour and consequences and ensure they apply to the little ones as much as to her.

Everything you have quoted your 9yo as saying screams 'attack is the best form of defence'. She's been through a lot in her short life - her parents separating, a new man arriving in your and her life and three new siblings arriving in extremely quick succession, being the only one of four whose father does not live with her. And it sounds as if you have expected her to accept all these changes without guiding her through them - and she will need a lot of guiding. You are also 'making' her older than she is. She isn't a preteen. You seem to expect a lot of her in terms of behaviour, and it seems ro be very much 'her' vs 'her sisters - two separate worlds with opposing interests. You do seem, from your tone talking about taking her to activities and your lives 'revolving' around her, to resent and magnify the time you spend looking after her needs. You're focused on younger kids and don't seem geared at all to engaging with the stage she's at. Of course she's going to diss what you seem to value more highly and what she is excluded from by virtue of being cast in a different role.

Quite apart from the fact that I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go to Disney at any age, I agree with PPs that your younger ones are too young to get much out of it, including enduring memories. I think you have got swept along with the marketing, and your younger child's comment that it 'sounds amazing' sounds rather put into her mouth tbh (3 and 4yos don't tend to express themselves like that). I'd cancel this plan and do something you can all bond over as a family - camping trip, cottage at the beach with lots of opportunities to play outside and have fun. If Disney it must be, by all means leave your 9yo behind, if you want to kill your already ailing relationship with her stone dead and give her an experience she'll never forget for all the wrong reasons.

Excellent post hetero (amongst others).

I feel too angry to post so eloquently

YANBU, OP.

Some good posts from Agent, ohthehols and iamanintrovert.

What's your DD's life like at her dad's? Does she have siblings there?