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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take one of my DC on holiday with us?

236 replies

livvielunch · 11/12/2015 23:38

I have four DDs aged 9, 4, 3 and 9 months. My 9 year old is from my previous marriage. She's currently going through her preteen moody phase and is particularly keen on pushing boundaries, ignoring DH and I and being mean to her siblings. We want to go to Disneyland at Easter and I'm considering whether to go when she is away at her fathers. Obviously she will have holidays there that her siblings here do not, which she then gloats about to them. If she came she'd be constantly moaning it's babyish, telling her sisters the characters aren't real, complaining about sharing a room, calling her sisters babies and idiots for liking princesses etc. The younger three would have a much, much better time without her but it feels wrong going on a family holiday without a member of the family. Aibu to consider going without her?

OP posts:
MascaraAndConverse89 · 12/12/2015 09:44

What I suspect is that your dp finds her an inconvenience

But why?

Shockers · 12/12/2015 09:48

I clicked on this thread as I am considering something similar.

I have always wanted to visit a certain place and have been looking (for over 10 years!) at a particular holiday which involves staying with locals. I know DD wouldn't cope with this as she takes a few days of being an absolute horror, to settle into a change of scenery. For this reason, we have invested in a caravan that has all her familiar stuff in, to help her.

We will tour France in the caravan during the summer, and I know she will have a wonderful time.

However, I'd like to do the other holiday in October, without her. It's for a landmark birthday (mine), and I would love DH and the two boys to be with me (I'd actually love DD to be with me if I thought she'd cope... but I know she wouldn't).

I was going to pay for my parents to take her to CenterParcs while we were away. She loves it there and its familiar.

The other holiday just costs too much, and I've wanted to do it for such a long time. The rest of the family would get a lot out of it, but I don't believe that DD would (DD is 17 and has M/SLD and other issues).

Reading the thread though, I think I should maybe forget it Sad.

Ironically, I agree with the majority (although I think some of the comments have been really unkind), that this is a child who is acting out because she feels set apart to a certain extent. I can identify with that, as I was the eldest, from a different relationship. I was left out of holidays as a 'difficult' teen (the excuse was that I was going on holidays of my own, with my friends). If I'm honest, it didn't bother me too much (a little), but I was much older than the OP's DD.

Adelecarberry87 · 12/12/2015 09:51

My DS is 7 he can be a little terror but we wouldn't leave him to go away. We have done seperate trips with the kids, he goes to the pictures which DD is too young for and thats acceptable but thats down to age apprioate activities that sometimes both can't participate in. As other posters stated the other DC would probs be too young for disneyland anyway.My DS is my DH SS and my DH and I have a DD. The kids fights but love each over bits. Its a typical of siblings. Me and my brother whom is the same age gap as my darling two always teased each other and we had the same parents.The issue isn't necessarily the fact that the kids have different dads. Its quite simply its siblings its what they do. I see my DS wind my DD the same way DB did with me actually laugh at how identical the behaviour is. Tell her off for her behaviour but don't hold a grudge with her. My DB always picked on me i was his kid sister but no one else could. Also i was'nt an angel by no means. You can't expect siblings to act like the brady bunch. They fight, argue quite alot especially more in the developing years. Give your DD a hug tell her she is very much part of the family and would love her to come on the holiday.

Temporaryanonymity · 12/12/2015 09:52

I've just asked my 9 year old how he thinks your daughter would feel.

He said sad, and lonely. He then added that you should find a holiday you'd all like. He also said that you should show her Stampy's trip to Disney on YouTube because it's really cool.

Moonriver1 · 12/12/2015 09:53

Mascara Because I'm old and I've seen this happen many times. I also struggle to believe or understand that a parent can actually feel this way and act this way towards their own child. So I suspect cohersion or manipulation from the partner who is not the child's parents. Of course I could be wrong. I only suspect it.

anotherbloomingusername · 12/12/2015 09:55

OP, it kind of sounds like you're overthinking it and trying to make the decision FOR your DD. Either way, if you choose for her, she's going to be cross. Have you considered just asking your eldest?

"Hey, hun, we were thinking of taking the younger ones to Disney. Would you like to come, or would you rather do it when when you're away with your mum?"

Let her have a voice in what happens, and possibly she'll react more positively.

firesidechat · 12/12/2015 10:05

I can't comment on you wanting to leave your 9 year old at home because it's incomprehensible to me and I might get myself deleted.

Personally I would leave the 9 month old at home, and possibly the 3 and 4 year old too, and take the 9 year old instead. This is a semi serious suggestion. The younger ones are far too young and your eldest may benefit from a bit of attention.

I know you won't do this though. Not in a million years.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 12/12/2015 10:07

At 4,3 and 9 months they won't even likely remember the trip as they are far too young.

Your eldest has watched her parents split and now has to deal with the fact that your new partner likely resents her. Not to mention a whole host of children and now having little time or space. Your solution of not including her in the holiday is astounding, poor child. Her dad needs to speak up a at least one of her parents needs to care about this little girl.

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 12/12/2015 10:09

I think you're being given quite a hard time here, OP.
I do think it sounds a bit harsh to leave your oldest dd behind when you take the others to Disneyland, but not every child wishes to go there, as unbelievable as it sounds.

I don't know your family dynamics, but if you (and maybe your ex?) have told your dd how much you would love her to have a great time at Disney with her siblings and she still chooses not to go, then I would let her make her choice. She is 9 and entitled to her own opinion.

LyndaNotLinda · 12/12/2015 10:13

I suspect people are asking if she's a stepchild because they can't believe someone can be so unkind to their own child. Or so blind to the turmoil that they've put them through.

She's a little girl, not a preteen

PurpleGreenAvocado · 12/12/2015 10:17

YABU, yes. It's only going to make things worse, not to mention what it will do to her self esteem.

DropYourSword · 12/12/2015 10:20

TemporaryAnonimity your DS sounds lovely

liinyo · 12/12/2015 10:22

To reply to Pippidoeswhatshewants

If it was a straightforward choice between going to Disney or not going to Disney I would totally agree with you. But I don't think it is that simple in this case. There is a danger that this little girl would hear it as 'this is what the family are doing, do you want to join us?' confirming her status as being an optional bolt-on to the family, not an integral part of the family. Under those circumstances she is likely to say 'NO' out of hurt and pique and so further distance herself from her mum, step-dad and three little sisters

There is no chance of them becoming a cohesive family unit if one member is excluded from important family events and memories no matter how sensible or well meant the exclusion might be.

Branleuse · 12/12/2015 10:24

Have you asked her? Like I know you didnt enjoy it at the last theme park. We want to do disney, but not if youre going to whinge and moan. Only if you actually want to come and will be excited

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 10:36

I'm so Shock about the amount of people who are happy to take all their children but 1 away on holiday. Bloody selfish horrible people. Do you think it will solve anything? No it will just add resentment. Good luck with them growing up and realising how badly they were treated and forgetting about you when they're adults and most likely lovely and well behaved.

SettlinginNicely · 12/12/2015 10:38

shockers your situation comes across differently. You have obviously put a lot of though into your DD's welfare and happiness and are willing to spend family resources to do something "bespoke" for her. This is quite different from simply leaving a child behind because they are a bit of a pain.

OP, there is no reason for me to pile in on you. I think many others have made the point well. Sometimes we get into a mindset and can't see what we are doing. Maybe all this outside feedback will give you a chance to look at your relationship with your eldest DD and see where you could make changes that would benefit the whole family. Don't turn your eldest into the "goat." Love her.

Janeymoo50 · 12/12/2015 10:38

Blimey, not a good idea even if she in a PITA. I just think it will make things worse. Pick your battles re punishments, this one is a step too far.

ovenchips · 12/12/2015 10:39

Shockers I don't think your circumstances are the same at all and I think it is the OP's particular circumstances that posters are responding to, rather than the concept of holidaying without all of your children per se.

I have a child with SN and in fact the only time we can go away is without her Sad That is shit but those are our circumstances and we have to make the most of it. Quite, quite different to OP's set up though.

Branleuse · 12/12/2015 10:41

my eldest son makes holidays more difficult. A lot of older kids do. It doesnt mean you leave one child behind though.

I think you need to find out why your eldest is being so miserable and snarky. What is she so cross about?

ChristmasHousewife · 12/12/2015 10:45

Piper with the greatest respect you know fuck all. I am not horrible and selfish, I just know that my younger children need and deserve to have a holiday that isn't stressful because their older brother can't cope. He really couldn't care less, he's going away with his dad whilst we're away and loves being the only child/centre of attention with them. We will go away with him too.

You have absolutely no idea the toll that having a child/sibling with additional needs has on the whole family. There's a reason respite is offered for the family!!

GinIsTheBestChristmasSpirit · 12/12/2015 10:48

Ofc you can leave her behind. Just expect that her resentment of her sisters will increase dramatically and this will likely result in her behaviour towards them worsening. She will also feel like she is not good enough for you and again her behaviour will change inline with this.

I'm sure it will make your holiday more pleasant to exclude her but good luck with the irreparable damage you will cause to your relationship with her and the shitstorm awaiting your return.

spanky2 · 12/12/2015 10:50

Christmas you are right. I'm hoping piper is talking about dcs who don't have additional needs. My friend has a disabled DC and she is exhausted. I wish I could do more to help.

spanky2 · 12/12/2015 10:52

Just to add some parents don't love their dcs. Or only love some of them.

lostInTheWash · 12/12/2015 10:54

Last holiday eldest was 9 - we saw a lot of IL before holiday.

Previous holidays IL had gate crashed - youngest was told how sad MIL would be as she wasn't coming this year which upset her but we treated with a breeze it will be fine tone.

Eldest was told few times she was getting too old for such family holidays Hmm.

Eldest was a pain for first day - moody dismissive. The was some boundaries laid down that first day bit plus treating her as a bit older than the younger ones. By day two she was fully enjoying herself.

They all decided it was best holiday ever.

So are you sure these are actually her views - or ones she been informed she should have?

Could you look into ways to spend some time with her and tailor activities than might be of more interest to her - I don't know Disney world so can't say if that's an option.

Have you tried being very clear that you are disappointed in her behaviour and you expect better? Did that conversation few times first day of ours - it's everyone holiday and your behaviour is making it a miserable experience - we expect better.

I do thing you'd have more problems if she is left out - despite what she is saying to you now.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/12/2015 10:59

Selinemaratima
"The bond between siblings is innate and magical and life-long, please don't rob her of that."

Absolute drivel, some siblings love each other, some loathe each other with every step in-between, this attitude causes more harm than good (IMHO)

Livvie

YANBU to feel this way, YABU if you don't take her.