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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not take one of my DC on holiday with us?

236 replies

livvielunch · 11/12/2015 23:38

I have four DDs aged 9, 4, 3 and 9 months. My 9 year old is from my previous marriage. She's currently going through her preteen moody phase and is particularly keen on pushing boundaries, ignoring DH and I and being mean to her siblings. We want to go to Disneyland at Easter and I'm considering whether to go when she is away at her fathers. Obviously she will have holidays there that her siblings here do not, which she then gloats about to them. If she came she'd be constantly moaning it's babyish, telling her sisters the characters aren't real, complaining about sharing a room, calling her sisters babies and idiots for liking princesses etc. The younger three would have a much, much better time without her but it feels wrong going on a family holiday without a member of the family. Aibu to consider going without her?

OP posts:

Original poster

livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:32

Cellar I don't feel she is in the way, I was responding to all the comments about how being pushed out when actually our lives pretty much revolve around her.

Yes children do sometimes say things they don't mean, but you have to be able to listen to them at some point. When she was horrible for the day out and I spoke to her about it afterwards she clearly said she hadn't wanted to go and was angry at being ignored and forced to go

OP posts:

LyndaNotLinda · 12/12/2015 00:32

And your 3,4 and 9 month old really, really want to go to Disneyland? Yeah, right.

You want to go.

Selinemaratima · 12/12/2015 00:33

Wow. I think you're DD is obviously jealous, and doesn't understand how she's feeling. Address these issues with her, work through her insecurities, teach her to manage her emotions: new siblings, going to her dads, being at home, your new partner, school etc - all of which evoke massive feelings for a child. Unfortunately she sounds like she's swimming against the tide and she's misplacing all of her feelings, resentment, anxiety etc towards her new siblings, when really it's you who needs to reassure her and make her feel like the most valid, loved, beautiful, talented person alive. She needs your validation and praise. If I was you I would get my new partner to look after the little ones every Saturday morning (example) and spend that time alone with your big girl. I'd definitely take her to Disney Land and I'd do one special treat for you & her while there. If you exclude this child this time, you are at the beginning of loosing her long-term, I know you feel you already have but I promise this is a phase, nothing that a little love and effort won't solve, she needs you so much more than the little ones. Please take her

AgentZigzag · 12/12/2015 00:34

Has she always been like this with her sisters or has it changed as she's got older livvie?

When you're 9 and trying out 'grown up' personas you can overdo it a bit and put down the things you used to like as a way of underlining of just how grown up you are.

Maybe that's the way to go? To fit her into an older girl role with her sisters? It might make her feel as though she likes the responsibility of being older especially if you play on the hero worship (and how protective she feels of them? (if she does)) of the younger ones.

sugar21 · 12/12/2015 00:34

So who looks after this poor child if she is shunned and left behind?

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:37

A day out is different to a holiday and you can't place the responsibility of deciding wether to go or not on her. She may not realise how much she'd miss out on or miss you all if she said no

multivac · 12/12/2015 00:38

Poor little girl. I really hope this isn't real.

Original poster

livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:39

Yes Agent it's her trying to demonstrate how she's older and more mature - it's only a recent thing but very hurtful for her sisters

OP posts:

gamerchick · 12/12/2015 00:40

She's nine? NINE. OP I don't have any words than give yourself a huge slap in the face.

You think you have problems now? You're really going to reap when she's a teenager. The dislike you show for that bairn oozes out of your posts. Shame on you!

TimeToMuskUp · 12/12/2015 00:45

But saying batshit stuff is a right of passage at her age, surely? I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship; he has his moments where he'll push boundaries and say stuff I deem inappropriate, but generally he respects us and his younger brother. Have you spent much time with her alone recently, away from the house? Have you got time to do that over the next few weeks, to give her some of your full attention every now and then?

Also, she sounds incredibly insecure, jealous and unsettled. I tend to go down the route of "why would they be behaving that way" than immediately cutting them out because nine times out of ten there's a reason, even if it's one you secretly think is a bit barmy. Young children (and she is a young child, and in no way pre-teen) show their unhappiness in all sorts of ways, and, without being super-judgy your little girl sounds desperately unhappy. Please don't take holidays without ALL of your family there.

AgentZigzag · 12/12/2015 00:50

What about telling her that she is going (and she'd better get used to it ) and ask her what kinds of things would she'd like to do while you're there?

Because she's not going to want to do the same things as a 3 YO is she?

Maybe you could set some things up for her to do with either you or your DH while the other is doing stuff with the little ones?

Just play it the same with the hurtful things she's saying, older girls don't say nasty shit to small children (if only!) they're kind and look out for their sisters.

Crazypetlady · 12/12/2015 00:51

No wonder so many adults end up in therapy because of relationships with their parents.

Selinemaratima · 12/12/2015 00:51

It's not hurtful to her sisters! I have two under 5 and they're constantly screaming, squabbling, fighting, crying and then a deep breath later loving, laughing, playing... That's real families for you! I think your new partner is the one that's so affronted by your daughters behaviour, you're under pressure to reprimand her. Believe me your little one's do not find it hurtful your partner does, stick up for your girl!!! Of course she's gonna say everything's babyish - she's in a house full of baby's!!! And that's the only amo she's got, poor little mite, she's too young to be fighting this big person fight - speak to your partner! (I bet he's encouraging you to leave her behind) she's your girl!!! Get behind her

reni2 · 12/12/2015 00:52

There might be all sorts of issues and pps are right.

Or maybe she just really does not want to go. Talk to her alone, when no bravado in front of the little ones is needed and listen. If she then says without sneering she'd hate it, leave her at dad's. If she decides to go, talk about the attitude and stop her belittling others.

TimeToMuskUp · 12/12/2015 00:56

Oh and also, don't be so quick to assume she's the one causing all the trouble without provocation. Because there's exactly 5 years between DS1 and DS2 I'd always lean harder on DS1 for any bad behaviour shown. DS2 is now a month shy of 5 and, frankly, he can be such an utter dong that I'm surprised DS1 hasn't karate-chopped him one yet. He winds him up, teases him mercilessly and is a little bollocks at times. Perhaps if the younger ones are riling or teasing their older sister she's less inclined to be kind to them. God knows DS1 deserves a Knighthood for putting up with DS2 and his mischief, and 4 and 3 is old enough to know how to tease an older sibling. Her behaviour could easily come from feeling put-out by younger siblings.

Selinemaratima · 12/12/2015 00:57

The bond between siblings is innate and magical and life-long, please don't rob her of that. In tarnishing her with this 'naughty girl' label, you're risking it becoming a self fulfilling prophecy, in turn you're conditioning your younger children to view her this way, inevitably marring their right to an equal, supportive, honest relationship as adults

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 12/12/2015 00:57

She's 9yr old, been to Disneyland before and declares it babyish. She goes on holidays with her Dad and brags about this too younger siblings. Fair do's, I probably would have at 9 yrs too.

OP - have you discussed your plans with your X? What holiday plans does he have around the same times? If you know what your X is planning you can then offer a choice to your daughter. She might happily prefer her Dad's plan and go with that.

Personally though I'd hold off on Disneyland for a few years. your other kids are so young surely the cost of the holiday now wouldn't make sense (unless you're loaded of course). What does your DD want to do? The younger ones will be happy with any holiday at their age. Your DD sounds sad and angry, perhaps listening to what she wants now might reap benefits for the whole family going forward.

DistanceCall · 12/12/2015 00:58

Why don't you ask her if she wants to come? If she says yes (and she will), then remind her every single time that she sulks that she wanted to come. If she says no, then take her at her word.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2015 01:04

If you do this, leave her behind, the relationship you have with your oldest daughter will be forever poisoned. She will remember your rejection until the day she dies and will consider herself unloveable . The repercussions of such an action are immense.

So you think she'll act out at Disney? Then don't go. Your youngest won't know where she is anyway and the 3 and 4 year old would probably enjoy it more when they are 6 and 7.

You are well on the way to making your eldest the family scapegoat. You need to get a handle on your family's dynamics and make her feel a part of it. Not taking her on holiday is hardly going to do that, is it?

AgentZigzag · 12/12/2015 01:07

'I'm surprised DS1 hasn't karate-chopped him one yet'

Hahahaha love it.

There are 9 years between mine and 6 YO DD2 never talks to anyone in the way she yells at talks to DD1, she really knows how to press her buttons.

DD2's testing out how far she can push DD1, and although DD1 doesn't always keep her cool she's really protective of her there's no doubt at all that they totally, totally love each other.

mumeeee · 12/12/2015 01:12

YABVU she is only 9 and is probably jealous of the fact that her sisters have both their Mum and Dad living with them.
As she is only 9 she probably finds it hard to explain how she feels so she acts out.
You need to sit down with her and explain that Disney land isn't babyish and lots of older girls like it. I know mine loved it at 9 and well into their teens. Tell her there are some rides that are for older children.

DollyTwat · 12/12/2015 01:19

Op I didn't take ds1 (age 13) in holiday with us, he stayed at his dad's. He'd been violent towards me and other awful behaviour and I made the decision to not take him. I cried most of the holiday. I felt terrible.

I dint know if I'll ever repair our relationship even though, if you knew the situation, you'd have agreed it was the right decision. I wish I'd just not gone if I'm honest. I felt guilty about everything we did. We couldn't even talk about the holiday when we got back. When I say 'we' that was me, my dad and ds2

Please, from the voice of experience, don't do it. She will never forgive you

LittleBeautyBelle · 12/12/2015 01:21

She's nine years old. That's not preteen. It sounds to me she is not over her mother and father splitting up and you and your new partner having a complete "new" family that you're taking to Disney, excluding her. She already believes you do not love her, that's why she's challenging you, it is plain to see, you must know this, nobody is that dense.

Is she your daughter or your current partner's?

Selinemaratima · 12/12/2015 01:23

Yes did you give birth to her?

wannaBe · 12/12/2015 01:23

The others are too young for Disney anyway.

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