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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take one of my DC on holiday with us?

236 replies

livvielunch · 11/12/2015 23:38

I have four DDs aged 9, 4, 3 and 9 months. My 9 year old is from my previous marriage. She's currently going through her preteen moody phase and is particularly keen on pushing boundaries, ignoring DH and I and being mean to her siblings. We want to go to Disneyland at Easter and I'm considering whether to go when she is away at her fathers. Obviously she will have holidays there that her siblings here do not, which she then gloats about to them. If she came she'd be constantly moaning it's babyish, telling her sisters the characters aren't real, complaining about sharing a room, calling her sisters babies and idiots for liking princesses etc. The younger three would have a much, much better time without her but it feels wrong going on a family holiday without a member of the family. Aibu to consider going without her?

OP posts:
MyFriendsCallMeOh · 12/12/2015 00:18

Doesn't take a genius to work out that she probably resents being the odd one out, the one that's from a previous relationship, the huge age gap must be difficult for her too. I Imagine the little ones take up the majority of your time too. Do you do much with just her? Shopping? Cinema? Help her to understand that she can do big girl stuff with you but she doesn't need to be unkind when you do stuff with the little ones. She needs more understanding and inclusion, not exclusion from the family.

Original poster
livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:19

All this pushed out stuff is rubbish. She isn't pushed out at all. Her sisters adore her and forgive her anything, they spend their lives running her to school and activities. I have time 1:1 each day with her reading at bedtime and we have a date night/day once per fortnight. A lot of the time she is great but when she isn't she is foul.

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:20

The more I read OPs posts the more I think she's the stepmum. Even in language used

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:21

She isn't pushed out at all.

So what do you call excluding her from a holiday?

If also impressed a 4yo 3yo and 9month old are able to take a 9yo to her activities

ghostyslovesheep · 12/12/2015 00:21

she is foul OP you do get that babies grow up into older children - with hormones and feelings and stuff? Please tell me you at least get that?

Original poster
livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:22

Piper I am not her bloody stepmum!!

She has clearly said:

"I would HATE to go, I would rather go to school"

OP posts:
duckwalk · 12/12/2015 00:23

I know it doesn't really matter, however, I'm curious as to why you keep avoiding the question OP. Is she your step daughter?

Original poster
livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:23

Everyone has feelings ghosty, it doesn't give you the right to be horrid to others around you.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/12/2015 00:24

You just have to tell her every time she does it, so everyone knows (her and her sisters) that gloating, being spiteful, name calling and putting down small children for liking small children's stuff, isn't OK.

Thing is, you can't even leave it to her to decide whether to come or not because not only would it leave her with the mistaken belief that she's in control and bad behaviour gets her what she wants, but she might say no but really want to be a part of you all together.

Sgtmajormummy · 12/12/2015 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsWazowski · 12/12/2015 00:25

9 year olds aren't generally horrid for no reason

cleaty · 12/12/2015 00:25

I wonder if you would all benefit from some family therapy?

Busyworkingmum71 · 12/12/2015 00:25

Wow. Biscuit

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:25

OP the bottom line is - she's your daughter. Always has been and always will be. You chose to have her. You don't get to pick and choose when you include her based on wether or not you like her that day. If only we could all just have the good bits of being a parent.

But Parenting doesn't work like. If she's foul - tough shit. She's your child, take steps to deal with it. And perhaps ask yourself why she's 'foul'. Do you think it's entirely down to her and that you e played no part in her attitude?

ghostyslovesheep · 12/12/2015 00:26

she is A CHILD please say you understand that?

I feel so sorry for her

Samcro · 12/12/2015 00:26

where is nightwatch.......??

Cellardoor1 · 12/12/2015 00:28

Sorry, but the way you speak about her is off and it doesn't seem that you like her very much at all. It's odd to refer to her going to school and doing activities in terms of your younger children 'spending their lives' running her places. It's like you feel she is getting in the way of you having time with your 'new' family. I'm sure she senses this and that is the reason for her behaviour.

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:28

She has clearly said:

"I would HATE to go, I would rather go to school"

Dear parent of 4
I'd have thought you'd know by now that kids don't always mean the things they say. They don't know how to deal with some emotions so tell porky pies.

It seems like you're itching for an excuse not to take her

Sgtmajormummy · 12/12/2015 00:28

OH MY GOD, wrong thread!
Sorry sorry sorry...

Original poster
livvielunch · 12/12/2015 00:28

Exactly Agent, that's why I don't know what to do.

I do keep repeating myself so the younger ones know I don't condone her behaviour and it seems to sink in sometimes but not others with her. I've tried explaining to her that upsetting her sisters means they get more attention and she gets less but still she persists

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/12/2015 00:28

Fucking hell, calm down Glitoris.

No fucking need.

Grin The mummy/daddy thread's over there Sgt >>>>>>

duckwalk · 12/12/2015 00:28

Ok, have seen your recent post saying she's your daughter (or not your "bloody stepdaughter") Either way, you really must take her. You can't tell how things will be by then, she may have come out of this phase by then.

thornrose · 12/12/2015 00:29

My 9 year old is from a previous marriage and there's the thing! 3 other children and your new partner being one happy family unit.

Have you considered how your oldest dd feels?

ghostyslovesheep · 12/12/2015 00:29

and PLEASE say that you understand - as a NINE year old child - when she says I don't care what she means IS 'i CARE SO MUCH IT'S BREAKING MY HEART - Right?

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:32

I honestly think you have issues because she is your ex's and not your DHs. Expecting your youngest 3 to get credit because they're in the car when you take her to activities? No, sorry, that's what happens when you choose to have 4 kids, you tend to run them about together a lot and it's not something your DD needs to be grateful for as YOU chose to have the other 3.