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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at my asshole boyfriend

180 replies

Whatthecrocodilehat · 11/12/2015 20:04

Been really busy today with poorly baby.
My BF has been texting me and my answers have been short as I have been quite stressed cleaning up projectile vomit all day and doing a trip to hospital.
Basically I didn't ask BF about how his day was and how he is.
When he mentioned that, I said sorry and asked him how he was.
He then goes on to tell me that he had fallen off the roof at work, broken his wrist and gouged his leg down the bone. When I phoned him in a panic he didn't answer so I text him again to ask what the doctors have said.
He said that they said that his misses should always ask how he is so he doesn't need to make up stupid stories.

AIBU to be fucking livid and go over to his and give him a fucking kick in the nuts?!

OP posts:
cailindana · 12/12/2015 13:26

To add I do think this can be salvaged, but only if he explains very clearly what was going on and why he went through the process of making up such a horrible scenario in order to scare the shit out of you. 'I was being a twat' is not enough. There was a lot of calculation in what he did.

Original poster
Whatthecrocodilehat · 12/12/2015 13:27

Yes I'm going to have a long talk with him later when little one is asleep.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/12/2015 13:30

Don't hold back, OP. Make it very clear you have his card marked after this ridiculous behaviour from him.

Original poster
Whatthecrocodilehat · 12/12/2015 13:33

Yeah I will make it very clear that that behaviour is not something I am willing to accept.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 12/12/2015 13:43

Yeah I will make it very clear that that behaviour is not something I am willing to accept.

Yet you have accepted it.

Original poster
Whatthecrocodilehat · 12/12/2015 13:44

Just this once.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/12/2015 13:46

....and you have mitigated for it by saying what a fantastic father and all round good bloke he is

look at this behaviour in isolation and judge it accordingly...in no way is it acceptable, no matter how many times he does the washing up (or whatever)

Costacoffeeplease · 12/12/2015 13:48

It wasn't your thought processes that were skewed op

This is a very sad thread

Original poster
Whatthecrocodilehat · 12/12/2015 13:50

If I cut every person out of my life who has been a bit of a twat at times , myself included there would be no one left. He fucked up, he apologised.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/12/2015 13:52

How well did you know him before he started raising your baby as his own? Do you think it was well enough?

Original poster
Whatthecrocodilehat · 12/12/2015 13:54

We went to school together so quite a long time.

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 12/12/2015 13:57

Some people can be excellent parents but are really, really shit partners.

Cousin's ex was that way. He was a lovely dad; involved, engaged, hands on. But he was also a serial cheat who made really nasty remarks to her quietly in private, denied her sex, and invalidated her opinions.

Don't stay with someone just because they're a good parent. They can be a good parent from their own space. You don't need someone who pulls a stunt like that. 'Practical jokes' are neither practical, nor jokes.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2015 13:57

"It was a totally thoughtless moment which he regrets doing."
It's also possible that quite a lot of thought went in to this actually.

"I think I can find it in me to forgive him this once."
By all means forgive OP. But please do not forget, particularly for comparison purposes with any future bellendery. If it remains a one-off, that would be brilliant. But if more happens, look for the patterns. Does it happen when he's not the centre of your attention? Who was he 'competing' with? Was it disguised as a 'joke'?

Bettercallsaul1 · 12/12/2015 14:05

This has happened at the beginning of your relationship - I would be worried that there might be years and years ahead of this type of thing. That incident was an outward symptom of something fundamental being very wrong, I think. This was not normal behaviour in any way, OP.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/12/2015 14:08

ImtheChristmasCarcass, did your cousin and her ex have sons or daughters? I don't really believe that a man who belittles, cheats on and sexually denies his wife would be a good father to daughters. Maybe when they're too little to look at him critically and be sexualised, but after the age of about 13? That kind of man doesn't tend to like women who don't kowtow to his bullshit.

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2015 14:21

Isn't everyone allowed a mistake?

This one was unkind and thoughtless, but not life-threatening. I bet there are others on this thread who have forgiven what would be a deal-breaker for others.

The OP knows her DP (unlike the rest of us). It is not for Mumsnet to force her to leave him, it's a decision she will make if and when their partnership becomes intolerable. He may never do anything so stupid again.

She says she will talk to him. What she does next is up to her.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 12/12/2015 14:28

One of each. The thing is, it was all done very privately. It's not like he announced to his children that he was cheating, or rejected her advances in front of them. He was all smiles and love in front of them (and us).

But, yes, they were little when they split. They figured him out later as he married an OW and his 'timeline' didn't make sense to them once they were old enough to put 2 + 2 together.

Their daughter is a marvel. Strong and secure. But their son is pretty messed up, emotionally.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/12/2015 15:02

But you seem to missing the point a bit. He didn't 'fuck up'. He got into a sulk as he was jealous of your child and played a sick joke on you. This shows he is not a nice person and that will not change. I would personally not leave my child with him.

cailindana · 12/12/2015 15:04

Nanny - a mistake is forgetting someone's birthday, or arriving very late to a night out. It's thoughtless but everyone does it and it can be forgiven.

This wasn't a mistake. This was a calculated punishment, where the DP actively thought up a nasty way to punish the OP and when she realised it was lie, he didn't say sorry, he said it was her fault because she didn't ask how he was. That's not a mistake. Not even close.

No one is forcing the OP to leave this man. How could we do that?

Do you honestly believe a partnership has to be 'intolerable' for a person to leave?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/12/2015 15:09

And nanny I don't think it should be left up to OP to decide. She has been in an abusive relationship before and now seems to be minimising this one. She is leaving her child with a man displaying jealous and cruel behaviour and he is not the child's father. He could be a danger to the child. Sorry- but he could.

Original poster
Whatthecrocodilehat · 12/12/2015 15:11

A danger to my child?! Are you fucking serious?

OP posts:
cailindana · 12/12/2015 15:13

I think someone who lies about being seriously injured to someone he's supposed to love is a dangerous person too.

Bettercallsaul1 · 12/12/2015 15:13

I think there are mistakes and mistakes - and it depends what's behind them. What was behind this one was complete selfishness, wedded to total immaturity - not ideal parent or partner material. To lie and tell your partner that you have been seriously injured (he said his leg had been "gouged to the bone") when she was already worried and preoccupied with a genuinely sick child is more than simply a "mistake", in my estimation. It argues an unbelievable level of egoism - a determination to shift the focus of his partner's attention on to him, at all costs. It is behaviour worthy of a six-year-old, not a responsible (or kind) adult.

Original poster
Whatthecrocodilehat · 12/12/2015 15:14

Unbelievable

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 12/12/2015 15:14

"I don't think it should be left up to OP to decide"

WTF?