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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think how I give birth is not DH's choice?

288 replies

AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 19:36

Slightly redundant post as we are only TTC ATM, but we ended up discussing the birth (if that happens).
Anyway, I said I would seriously look into a ELCS, DH looked like someone had stolen his last fucking rolo and said "Oh you can't do that, it would ruin things, we won't get the lovely birth experience. It's not how people imagine it". I said um, what? It's my body my choice. He agreed, but looked so sad.

2min later I said "I think rates of PND increase when people think they have not managed to have a 'proper' birth" (I have no idea if this is true, my bad). Then he said "well why don't you not have a cesarean to make sure that doesn't happen then"!!!!Shock I ripped him a new one, and asked him why I should go through a VB when it is not what I think is right for me. He apologised, but he's made it painfully clear that if I have a ELCS he will be disappointed and "robbed" of "his" birth.

I've suffered sexual abuse in the past and a sure fire way to fuck up my mental health is to experience pain in my fanjo. I know what is best for me, but I now have this ridiculous idea that I'll be weak and upset DH.

Sorry for pointless thread, we may not even concieve but this is kind of putting me off the whole thing.

OP posts:
Cloppysow · 10/12/2015 21:49

Oh fucking hell. Can you all drop it now?

This is a good outcome.

mathanxiety · 10/12/2015 21:59

Of course the child is his, Gladys, but delivering it is only the business of the OP.

She would deliver whether he was present or not, even if he died at some point during pregnancy.

OP, the fact that he expected you to have a 'solid argument' to sway him rings a few bells for me. This is not a 100% good outcome.

You need to ask him why he expected you to present a solid argument to him. Did he think he could veto your choice otherwise?

The bit about you letting him down needs exploring too.

pippinsfriend · 10/12/2015 22:05

This reply has been deleted

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HermioneWeasley · 10/12/2015 22:07

I'm with math and bath time on this - why would you need a "solid reason" (that is acceptable to him) to give birth to your child in the way that you want.

I see red flags a plenty still here, but I hope I'm wrong and wish you well.

WhetherOrNot · 10/12/2015 22:11

You really don't understand the mind working of Aspergers do you, OP? (Nor do many of you who have posted on here.)

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 10/12/2015 22:20
Star
IceBeing · 10/12/2015 22:26

So happy to hear he has come around alice!

As someone who lost 5 years to childbirth induced mental health problems, I can say that people need to prioritise their mental health a hell of a lot more than worrying about tiny changes in risk factors associated with different birth plans that will likely go out the window in any case.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 22:26

Glad to hear he's come round, OP. I agree with people who suggest a doula might be a good idea though, in case he changes his mind or stops understanding the importance of respecting your bodily and patient autonomy at a crucial point. I also agree that the bit about a "solid reason" is still a bit iffy. I appreciate he has Asperger's but if he can't understand your bodily autonomy for any reason at all, you should tread very very carefully before having a child.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 22:27

Oh, but choose your doula carefully. Most are of course wonderful but you may need to look around a bit to find one who respects your need for an elective C section without trying to convince you otherwise.

topcat2014 · 10/12/2015 22:35

DW had our child by emergency CS - so that was our 'birth experience' - no less valid than anyone else's in my view.

AdjustableWench · 10/12/2015 22:41

Great that he understands now! And of course I hope you get the birth you want.

But... just wanted to echo what a PP said: fanjo pain is not necessarily a part of VB. I've had three VB experiences and it was much like period pain only more intense, but no pain at all fanjo-wise. I tore all three times, didn't feel it, and didn't feel the stitching either. Literally didn't feel it. I had no idea I'd torn until they told me, and couldn't feel the stitching at all. I was induced all three times, so had very fast deliveries, and used gas and air but nothing else.

Before I got pregnant I wanted an ELCS for similar reasons to yours, and decided on a VB after all because I worked with midwives and they told me that the research showed that a VB was safer (better outcomes for both mother and baby). They also told me I'd struggle to persuade the obstetrician without a medical reason. But that was a long time ago so things may be different now.

Long way to get to my point, which is: don't rule anything out just yet. Even with a plan for an ELCS you could end up having a very fast VB at home (I know someone it happened to). Obviously you want to exercise as much control as possible to feel safe. But it really really helps to be prepared for the unexpected.

Good luck with the TTC!

Lweji · 10/12/2015 22:41

Why is everyone so crazed about the outcome?

Because before you end up in an abusive relationship, it didn't openly starts that way. There are signs before. And some of us are somewhat concerned about the future of this relationship based on his attitude.
The OP will do well to keep her eyes open. Hopefully, he is wonderful, but do make sure is is.

Flashbangandgone · 10/12/2015 23:35

Lots of knee-jerk comments demonising the OPs DH.... Totally unnecessary - surely trying to talk to him about it is the reasonable response rather than shrill LTB hysteria! He expressed a naive opinion, that's all. it's not like he's trying to bully that OP into anything, and he seems to be listening.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 23:42

I don't think he needs a solid reason I think the actual reason makes it easier for him to understand, he likes a solid rationale for everything.

No I don't understand " mind working of aspergers" Whetherornot because everyone is different, but I have quite a good understanding of my DH's.

He's not abusive so let's not worry about that. I've been in one of those and I know what it's like.

Adjustable thanks for that, I'm going to explore all options fully to make sure I'm making the right decision if/when it comes too. How did you not feel pain in your fanjo when a baby was coming out?! (Not saying you did, just genuinely curious)

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 23:42

I'm still a little disturbed by the fact that he still apparently feels she needs a "valid reason" to "take away [his] idealised view of birth". Yes, I know he has Aspergers, but it's that lack of proper, gut level understanding of her right to autonomy over her own body and the idea that her labour is still, on a certain level, about his perceptions and preferences. It's not a 100% great outcome if he's saying that it's all right only because she's got a "valid reason" for wanting to make her own bodily choices. Her abuse shouldn't matter either. She would have exactly the same rights even if she hadn't been abused.

It may all be because he has Aspergers and not because he is a terrible evil person. But if the result is still that her own bodily decisions are about 'taking something away' from him, and it's acceptable only if she has a 'valid reason' to convince him...it would give me pause, personally.

AskBasil · 10/12/2015 23:51

"I think the actual reason makes it easier for him to understand, he likes a solid rationale for everything."

He has a solid rationale. It's your body and your experience.

You don't need any other reason than that. That by itself is solid enough. It doesn't need to be linked to anything else easier to understand. Though why a woman's autonomy over her own body should be considered a difficult thing to understand, is perhaps worth mulling over.

Lweji · 10/12/2015 23:56

Even though he may not be abusive in any way, just because you have been in an abusive relationship, it doesn't mean that you won't end up again in another. He could be a different type, not the same as you had before.

Just keep your eyes open.

mathanxiety · 11/12/2015 00:17

OK, so he doesn't need a solid argument. But he still mentioned the argument you made/the point you raised all the same, as if in his mind 'implying' if you will you should have had one to back up your choice. As AskBasil said, you don't have to have a reason, good or otherwise, to choose a particular method of bringing your baby out of your body and into the world.

You need to explore what he meant by 'you won't have let me down I understand now', because this comment supports the reading of the comment about the solid argument comment that I and others have flagged, and that in his head this birth is going to be all about what he expects, what he wants.

kali110 · 11/12/2015 00:42

Hope you manage to talk things through alice !
Ignore the one nasty poster it doesn't sound like your mh are out of control Hmm
For someone who was attacked they are not supportive.

I would also have a eles, i have bad back and joint problems and also struggle with severe anxiety.
My dh would support any decision i made.
I also understand your statement about pnd that you were trying to make not going on your dh's side.
Sure your dh will support you when he understands x

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2015 00:44

Your body, your choice. Of course.

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2015 00:49

PS I have no experience of sexual abuse so no idea but can you find out from any organisation whether others who have suffered abuse and given birth vaginally have found this especially difficult. I only say this because it might be that when women give birth the experience is so different from anything else that it is not going to trigger thoughts or fears etc?

I gave birth 11 years ago by c-section but tried to give birth vaginally. It was painful, definitely, but the pain was in my stomach area not my fango, at least initially, and with an epidural I had no pain at all. Anyway, just saying that it may be worth exploring this if you can.

All the very best for the future, AliceScarlett.

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2015 00:52

I mean because it may be fine for you, nothing to do with your partner. Thanks

angelicjen · 11/12/2015 01:41

I don't know what he's imagining but it won't be like that. Seeing your baby for the first time is the magical bit and that will happen whatever.
As usual people want to label him as awful and question your relationship but I doubt he meant to be disrespectful. He's sharing with you a vision he's clearly pictured clearly, but you've had to tell him it's not realistic. It's good you can air this now. Good luck TTC. That won't be what he's imagining either!

Bambambini · 11/12/2015 01:42

I think posters have gone way OTT about an initial, probably fairly ignorant conversation on a far away possible birth one day.

Glad you are happier now OP. elcs possibly sounds the way to go for you. I waived my elcs at the hospital, half an hour or so before it was planned to happen and opted instead for a natural birth. Looking back, the ELCS would probably have had a better outcome. Vaginal isn't always easier or better.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 11/12/2015 02:46

Can't understand views like pipin, desperate to guilt a woman into a vb she doesn't want- why? What has another woman's vagina and birth experience got to do with you, why care about anyone else's choice but your own? I think we should be happy that we have choices, not try to restrict them.