It's weird. I ended up having an argument with DH about something related. We are not TTC. He said something along the lines of "Oh, no way, you are not having a home birth." I kind of spluttered and felt immediate rage and said "EXCUSE ME??!?!"
We couldn't even discuss it for ages. I felt so angry. When we eventually did, it turned out that he was feeling like I had already made all the decisions about birth and pregnancy and childrearing and such without him (because I have a DC from a previous relationship) and he'd been looking forward to researching and discussing and deciding things with me, and he felt a little hurt to have his input outright rejected and told his opinion didn't matter.
I actually can't - I mean there are still SO many things wrong with this whole reasoning, firstly that's exactly what HE was doing to me (cutting off an option that I might or might not have wanted to explore), secondly no, this is not a 50/50 decision. Uh, you feel left out of something which is going to happen to my body, WTF? And WOAH. Projection, much? Because it's NOT like I was planning to exclude him from all decision making etc, it's just that one decision I feel is totally up to the woman, since it's her body. (For context, perhaps I had alluded to having made other decisions already, like breastfeeding since it worked for me before)
But on the other hand, sometimes I suppose the whole pregnancy and birth thing can be a bit elusive for the man and I can understand them feeling left out, even though it's a bit infuriating because childbirth isn't exactly a picnic. DH later explained that he didn't expect to have veto power, but he wanted to feel like he was included in the decision or at least the discussion. And, you know, of course I would have included him in the discussion. It was the flat out "No you aren't having a home birth" (which, TBH, I don't even think that I would want, but hell, it's nice to have the option!) which had given me the absolute rage. Include in discussion: Yes. Let him put across strong opinion and/or convincing argument which includes him being stressed out because he's frightened that I might have complications: Fine. But him having absolute veto power, no, I just can't get on board with that. It's controlling, and he's not a controlling person, which is why it threw me so hard.
Hmm. I actually thought that we had solved this, because we'd talked and he'd explained the feeling left out thing, and wanting to be discussed with and I'd said of course yes discussion, and I'd also admitted that I wasn't overly keen on having a home birth if we were here in Germany anyway. But I got angry at him again when he brought it up a few months ago and I've got angry again typing out this post, so I suppose that it's not something we have actually resolved at all.
I think it can be a bit of an unconsciously sexist thing too - men really don't like it when you don't want to give them 50:50 input (or higher) on something because they are so used to it being the case and want to prove that they are fair, but I really think that for birth, breastfeeding, birth control etc, ie, things which happen to your body, of course they can express their preferences and thoughts, but the final decision is YOURS and veto power is YOURS. But sometimes men don't like that even though (in my mind) it is actually fair and logical for it to be like that. They say things like "Well if you didn't want me to get a vasectomy, I wouldn't" and don't seem to understand that it's not the same. And I think that is what it is - a lack of understanding.
Will be reading with interest.