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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think how I give birth is not DH's choice?

288 replies

AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 19:36

Slightly redundant post as we are only TTC ATM, but we ended up discussing the birth (if that happens).
Anyway, I said I would seriously look into a ELCS, DH looked like someone had stolen his last fucking rolo and said "Oh you can't do that, it would ruin things, we won't get the lovely birth experience. It's not how people imagine it". I said um, what? It's my body my choice. He agreed, but looked so sad.

2min later I said "I think rates of PND increase when people think they have not managed to have a 'proper' birth" (I have no idea if this is true, my bad). Then he said "well why don't you not have a cesarean to make sure that doesn't happen then"!!!!Shock I ripped him a new one, and asked him why I should go through a VB when it is not what I think is right for me. He apologised, but he's made it painfully clear that if I have a ELCS he will be disappointed and "robbed" of "his" birth.

I've suffered sexual abuse in the past and a sure fire way to fuck up my mental health is to experience pain in my fanjo. I know what is best for me, but I now have this ridiculous idea that I'll be weak and upset DH.

Sorry for pointless thread, we may not even concieve but this is kind of putting me off the whole thing.

OP posts:
ArmchairTraveller · 11/12/2015 06:23

'I don't think he needs a solid reason I think the actual reason makes it easier for him to understand, he likes a solid rationale for everything.

No I don't understand " mind working of aspergers" Whetherornot because everyone is different, but I have quite a good understanding of my DH's.'

Smile I hope my children find someone as willing and open-minded
as you to love them. Who is prepared to think outside the NT box and explain things clearly, rather than assuming that they are heartless, abusive control freaks.
Good luck with TTC and the rest of your lives together.

hackmum · 11/12/2015 06:45

OP, I'm really sorry for what happened to you. Glad your DH came round.

But I think you'll find a lot of hospitals are very reluctant to perform elective caesareans without a medical reason. There is a lot of pressure at the moment to bring the caesarean rate down. If this is something that worries you a lot, I would look into the situation locally before conceiving.

TudorTrace · 11/12/2015 07:40

I agree he has no place saying "we" as if he too is physically giving birth to your child.

In saying that though, he probably knows that sections are far more risky and the recovery time is far greater. I wouldn't have one if I were you, but of course it's your choice.

Then again, he could just be an idiot imagining too many fantasies about what natural births are like.

jessicame · 11/12/2015 07:57

This reply has been deleted

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shinynewusername · 11/12/2015 08:30

OP, I think your DH has been given a ridiculously hard time on this thread.
Most people - male and female - are incredibly naive about birth until they experience it. He has probably hardly ever given birth a thought and expects it to be like it is on the telly - woman in full make up, 5 mins of brow-mopping and out the baby pops.

Bambambini · 11/12/2015 08:31

Does everyone here always have perfectly worded, perfectly informed responses and conversations every minute of every day of their lives?

shinynewusername · 11/12/2015 08:36

a lot of hospitals are very reluctant to perform elective caesareans without a medical reason.

Please don't scare the OP - really unhelpful Hmm A history of sexual abuse is a perfectly valid reason for performing an elective CS.

OP, when you do conceive, ask to be referred to a mw and/or obstetrician with a special interest in supporting women with a history of sexual abuse and sexual assault. They will want to talk through the options with you but, if the CS is what is right for you, you will be able to have one.

Lweji · 11/12/2015 08:39

We can't have perfectly worded sentences every time, which is a good thing. They show what we really think without our social filters.

BishopBrennansArse · 11/12/2015 08:44

If you come across a consultant that is resistant to your wishes when the time comes I suggest you get in touch with your hospital's supervisor of midwives to discuss which obstetrician would support you best then get your care transferred to them.

I had to do it the other way, wanted a vbac (ended up with emcs anyway but the SOM was amazingly helpful)

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/12/2015 08:56

The issue wasn't that he thought childbirth was a Hollywood experience, the issue was that he thought OP had to justify her own bodily autonomy to him with a "valid reason", and presumably still does. To be fair, very many men do think that childbirth is about what they want to see rather than what a labouring woman needs. But the attitude is not any more acceptable just because it's horribly common.

The fact that this may be because he has Asperger's is beside the point. If there is any reason why he can't accept his wife's right over her own body as a valid reason in itself that doesn't actually require further justification, this is a serious consideration before having a child. Nobody is telling OP what to do. We are simply highlighting it as an important consideration.

And sometimes people express themselves in strong terms to show how serious the issue is.

robinofsherwood · 11/12/2015 09:14

I just wanted to say that a c-section can bea wonderful birth experience. I had an emcs - but only because I went into labour before my planned elcs (breach twins). you can choose to have the screen down and see the moment of birth - I didn't but the anaesthetist talked us through the whole process. You can have your playlist playing - and listen to it. You can ask for lowered lighting at the moment of birth. my husband was the first to cuddle them and from the huge grin on his face he didn't find anything lacking in the birth experience.

I would be prepared to be very articulate about why you want an elcs and to take it further if needed. My best friend wanted one for similar reasons and had to change hospitals to get it.

Sanchar · 11/12/2015 09:15

Only read page 1&3 but wanted to post before I go out.

I just want to say that before TTC with this man I would buy some books about aspergers and parenting.

My dh wasn't diagnosed until after marriage and kids and, tbh, he stresses the kids out and upsets them daily as he just doesn't get children! He thinks they should have the same reasoning and understanding levels as an adult and it has led to many, many, many arguments.
If I knew then what I knew now...

abbieanders · 11/12/2015 09:23

I know that many people think that harping on about what he said is redundant now because he's decided that his wife has a valid reason to give birth in the way that suits her best without letting him down and spoiling his experience, but OP, please make sure he's really straight about what's happening before you go through with this.

When you produce a healthy, living child by any means at all, there should not ever be any lingering notion that it's wrong. Birth is exceptionally unpredictable and nobody's goes exactly as they wanted or expected. He has to know this before he ruins it all for you.

Also, do bear in mind that he doesn't have to be there if that's what you choose. Prepare him for that possibility, too.

elf0508 · 11/12/2015 09:28

You might not be allowed a section, I begged for one, I knew I couldn't give birth without things going wrong but I was turned down. Had a traumatic birth and next time have to have a section!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 11/12/2015 09:31

It sounds like a good first proper conversation OP and though I think you'll need quite a few more along the way, that's ok.

I don't think the goady poster on here was ever interested in your birth experience, just interested in upsetting people and diverting the thread to be all about themselves. I can only suppose that the random supposition they were trying to push about mental health not being managed could be a projection. I'm glad that person failed to derail your thread and I hope I don't meet them again on here as that kind of self oriented destruction and bile shown on the posts here is very unpleasant to witness.

Good luck OP :) ps I had a elective c-section and it was great.

You absolutely can decide it would be better for you. Hospitals want to dissuade people who just fancy one, not deny women who have compelling reasons to need one for their physical or mental health.

elf0508 · 11/12/2015 09:36

Also I was abused and I still wasn't allowed a section

FishWithABicycle · 11/12/2015 09:37

Don't freak out OP. Stay cool and know your rights - you are likely to come under some pressure to consider VB but if you calmly insist that you have fully considered all the options and you are sure ELCS is right for you then NICE guidelines tell them to respect that. If the particular consultant you see doesn't want to put you on the list for ELCS they have to refer you to another consultant who will.

FishWithABicycle · 11/12/2015 09:41

oops when I wrote that I was only seeing posts up to 20:30 last night and hadn't seen the subsequent 150 messages. The convo has moved on clearly...

Headofthehive55 · 11/12/2015 09:58

alice I hope you get the birth you plan for however it comes!

Just a comment though, I had a cs and it felt like I had been abused in some way. I didn't expect that at all, I've worked in theatre, so was quite taken aback with the strength of feeling afterwards. I felt like a slab of meat to be honest.

I had VBAcs afterwards and they were absolutely fine and I felt more in control. And as previous poster said no pain down there, it's more like period pain and it felt more private. You could always have an epidural which would take away the pain.

Headofthehive55 · 11/12/2015 09:59

But have the birth how you want...that's the key! Good luck!

chillycurtains · 11/12/2015 10:16

Why is he not allowed an opinion? I am confused and think this post is pretty misleading. He isn't forcing you to have a vaginal birth. He just imagined starting a family with you a certain way and you have said it isn't going to be that way.

I am not saying that you should have a vaginal birth as you obviously have major concerns over that which are understandable. But you can't expect him to not even voice his disappointment over it. Childbirth is amazing and he was looking forward to it.

I think you should have the birth you want for you but I do think you are being selfish not allowing him to talk about his wants and thoughts on the birth. Family is something you do together. You also need to tell him why you don't want a vaginal birth if you haven't already.

abbieanders · 11/12/2015 10:26

Family is something you do together.

Birth, on the other hand...

Branleuse · 11/12/2015 10:26

Just tell him that its actually a big deal for you, that its your body, and that you will need his full support in your decision. The baby would be yours together, but the birth is yours.

If he has ASD youre gonna have to just be straight up with him

whois · 11/12/2015 11:08

Also I was abused and I still wasn't allowed a section

www.nhs.uk/conditions/Caesarean-section/Pages/Introduction.aspx

NICE guidelines:
If a woman requests a caesarean section because she's anxious about childbirth, she should be referred to a healthcare professional with expertise in providing mental health support to help address her anxiety.
If a woman requests a caesarean section, a planned caesarean should be offered if a vaginal birth is still not an acceptable option after discussions and offers of support.
If the obstetrician does not wish to carry out a planned caesarean, a referral should be made to an obstetrician who is willing to perform the procedure.

BillBrysonsBeard · 11/12/2015 11:11

They should have referred you to another consultant elf, you were entitled to one.