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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think how I give birth is not DH's choice?

288 replies

AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 19:36

Slightly redundant post as we are only TTC ATM, but we ended up discussing the birth (if that happens).
Anyway, I said I would seriously look into a ELCS, DH looked like someone had stolen his last fucking rolo and said "Oh you can't do that, it would ruin things, we won't get the lovely birth experience. It's not how people imagine it". I said um, what? It's my body my choice. He agreed, but looked so sad.

2min later I said "I think rates of PND increase when people think they have not managed to have a 'proper' birth" (I have no idea if this is true, my bad). Then he said "well why don't you not have a cesarean to make sure that doesn't happen then"!!!!Shock I ripped him a new one, and asked him why I should go through a VB when it is not what I think is right for me. He apologised, but he's made it painfully clear that if I have a ELCS he will be disappointed and "robbed" of "his" birth.

I've suffered sexual abuse in the past and a sure fire way to fuck up my mental health is to experience pain in my fanjo. I know what is best for me, but I now have this ridiculous idea that I'll be weak and upset DH.

Sorry for pointless thread, we may not even concieve but this is kind of putting me off the whole thing.

OP posts:
Havalina1 · 10/12/2015 21:25

Alice, I have no words of wisdom with regard to your husband. Lots of advice already given there.

I just wanted to say, labour doesn't throw up pain in your vagina,!contrary to what you might imagine. It's not localised like that. It's more like your stomach and massive tummy bug waves. I had an epidural first time and never felt a thing, during or post birth. My pains post birth were in my muscles in my bum and legs....

Vaginal pain though, there's plenty of that in pregnancy I found. But labour itself, no.

BertieBotts · 10/12/2015 21:25

Stop feeding the troll.

thelouise · 10/12/2015 21:25

pippin stop derailing the thread with your agenda. I know it's AIBU but it's not mandatory to be a massive twat.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 10/12/2015 21:25

I hate to break it to you, but even YOU don't have the choice about how to give birth. Some Councils will not allow an elective CS. You could write a birth plan. But these are utterly useless. Baby comes as and when it wants (it didn't get the memo). You hear people saying "I don't want drugs" (Yes you really WILL want them) or "I'd like Opera playing" (No you won't - you'll be in sooo much pain, you'll be screaming for some motherfucker to turn that shit off). They don't call it Labour for nothing. Just go with the flow. I didn't make any birth plans. Turns out both Labours were miles apart from one another. I had one Emergency CS. And one VB. Let me tell you what's easier - the VB by far. A C-Section takes WEEKS to get over (think how you'd feel if someone took a chainsaw to your tummy then stitched it back up with barbed wire and threw on a dash of salt).

Nicebucket · 10/12/2015 21:25

Your body, your choice.

This made me so angry, I can't even speak.

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse because of which I can't even contemplate a natural birth. If I ever have a baby, ELCS is my only hope of getting through it without emotional damage.

It's not his "birth experience". It's not his body. It's not his decision.

He needs to be supportive and grateful that you're going through 40 weeks of pregnancy and childbirth to give him a baby.

TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 21:27

ILiveAtTheBeach they have to refer you to someone else if they won't do a cesarean.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/12/2015 21:27

Bertie, you're absolutely right. Have reported the goady fucker (and the irony of calling me an insensitive bitch!)

BertieBotts · 10/12/2015 21:28

Oh, I agree, Havalina - epidural can certainly cut out the part where you experience vaginal pain. But I expect that when OP is pregnant, she'll be able to discuss options with her midwife/consultant. Typically the NHS likes to go on evidence basis, so they will work through the options to find the best case for her and the baby. And if I'm right, the consultant does not usually consult the mother's DH about what he would prefer, for excellent reason.

witsender · 10/12/2015 21:28

Right Pippin...if you would like sensitivity how about you display some to Alice?

thelouise · 10/12/2015 21:30

"A C-Section takes WEEKS to get over (think how you'd feel if someone took a chainsaw to your tummy then stitched it back up with barbed wire and threw on a dash of salt)."

I could say the same about my vaginal birth to be honest. I couldn't sit for weeks. It stung like a mother fucker every time I weed. I've never been the same down there either,

I've also had birth types and I can't say that my CS was any worse, just different. I'd choose the CS again in a heartbeat.

icy121 · 10/12/2015 21:32

Focus on getting pregnant first. If that proves challenging/impossible then you don't need to worry about 'birth experiences' - and frankly if/when it does happen, you should be just thrilled and thankful to actually be able to have a baby.

TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 21:33

My cesarean didn't feel like that at all. I barely felt it after a couple of days.

List of things that hurt more than my cesarean:
Steroid injections
Injections in general
Stubbing my toe
Burning my arm on hair curlers
Dental injections
When my brace broke in my mouth
Banging my knee and scraping the skin off

Basically loads of daily injuries. So not everyone thinks it feels like a chainsaw.

Keeptrudging · 10/12/2015 21:33

Alice, I think you sound very clear - headed and rational in your reasoning. You're absolutely right to maximise your chances of having a positive experience. You know yourself better than anyone, it's good that you're looking at it so clearly in terms of what you can best deal with.

FWIW, without sharing gory stories, I've done both and my recovery from EMCS was far, far quicker and less painful than with VB. I felt in very safe hands in the operating theatre and it was a wonderful experience. My DD was born safely, that's all that mattered. It was very calm and I felt much more 'in control '. Flowers

TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 21:33

icy what a horrible thing to say.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 21:34

DH and I just had a chat he said:

-I didn't link it with the abuse, I thought you were taking away my idealised view of birth without a valid reason, now I understand.
-You have a solid argument and I fully support your decision, its your body
-This is not about me
-You won't have let me down I understand now
-I think you're making a wise choice

He's a goodun that one Grin Grin

Just needed some time to think I think.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 21:35

Good OP! Sounds like he just made a comment without realising the full implications

tobysmum77 · 10/12/2015 21:37

The most shocking thing I've ever heard in my life is a bloke in a radio interview saying. 'we didn't want an epidural' ..... I mean wtaf???

Yanbu op

greatbigwho · 10/12/2015 21:39

I think his point about PMD could come from the place that women who's births don't go how they planned and expected are a bit more prone to it and I'd guess that maybe the rate of PND in women who have EMCS is a bit higher?

lavenderhoney · 10/12/2015 21:41

You might want to look into having a doula if you do have a DC with him. Because if things go wrong he will have to make decisions for you and frankly he has romanticised the whole thing IMO and it's not a game when your life's on the line. Or that of your child. He'll be a liability.

It might be all lovely, but then again it might not. But it will be an experience, that's for sure.

BertieBotts · 10/12/2015 21:41

Oh bless him :) Great resolution!

alltouchedout · 10/12/2015 21:43

I've had three vaginal births without pain relief, wouldn't want to do it any other way. And because of that I want every woman to get to make her own choices. You should be allowed a section if that's your choice. I was born by section, I'm pretty glad they exist.

Lweji · 10/12/2015 21:43

It's good news, but I still wouldn't be happy that he is only "allowing" you because of the abuse.
It simply shouldn't be his choice, or even for him to judge. He should simply ask you what you want and be there to support you.

PuppyMouse · 10/12/2015 21:44

Alice that's great! He is a keeper after all! Wink

Beach - this isn't about birth plans, the NHS has a defined process for supporting ELCS requests and ime it's agreed based on evidence, counselling and expert medical opinions. Plus if your consultant says no they have to refer you to someone else who will.

When the fuck will others understand this isn't about having a bit of a paddy about pain?!

Keeptrudging · 10/12/2015 21:44

Alice that's lovely that it's all sorted with your husband. Maybe time to get some books and keep the conversation going, he sounds naive rather than controlling. Good luck Smile

BathtimeFunkster · 10/12/2015 21:46

I didn't link it with the abuse, I thought you were taking away my idealised view of birth without a valid reason, now I understand.

Hmm

Does he understand that even if you hadn't been abused, it would still be your decision and that you don't need a good reason to "take away his idealised view of birth".

I wouldn't be that pleased until I knew he fully accepted my right to decisions about my own body.

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