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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think how I give birth is not DH's choice?

288 replies

AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 19:36

Slightly redundant post as we are only TTC ATM, but we ended up discussing the birth (if that happens).
Anyway, I said I would seriously look into a ELCS, DH looked like someone had stolen his last fucking rolo and said "Oh you can't do that, it would ruin things, we won't get the lovely birth experience. It's not how people imagine it". I said um, what? It's my body my choice. He agreed, but looked so sad.

2min later I said "I think rates of PND increase when people think they have not managed to have a 'proper' birth" (I have no idea if this is true, my bad). Then he said "well why don't you not have a cesarean to make sure that doesn't happen then"!!!!Shock I ripped him a new one, and asked him why I should go through a VB when it is not what I think is right for me. He apologised, but he's made it painfully clear that if I have a ELCS he will be disappointed and "robbed" of "his" birth.

I've suffered sexual abuse in the past and a sure fire way to fuck up my mental health is to experience pain in my fanjo. I know what is best for me, but I now have this ridiculous idea that I'll be weak and upset DH.

Sorry for pointless thread, we may not even concieve but this is kind of putting me off the whole thing.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 19:49

My ex tried to make me reconsider a natural birth when I made it clear I wanted a cesarean too so there's potentially three of them.

He also demanded he had a right to be at the birth despite us not being together and him previously being removed by hospital security for being abusive towards me in the waiting room.

Why these idiots think it's anything to do with them I'll never know!

Bumpandkind · 10/12/2015 19:49

When you do conceive, arrange through your midwife, some counselling, a perinatal midwife referral and an appointment to see a consultant doctor who without a doubt will book you for an ELCS. Involve your partner in all of this so he can see how valid your reasons for choosing an alternative birth pathway are. Good luck

TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 19:50

Lovely you have to ask for it but you can choose

ArmchairTraveller · 10/12/2015 19:50

'we won't get the lovely birth experience'

My OH had the bruises round his neck and shoulders from our lovely birth experience for weeks. Grin I grabbed and held on. He almost needed resuscitating.

elliejjtiny · 10/12/2015 19:51

Tell him fine as long as you get to have the lovely experience of him having his balls removed without anaesthetic.

Me and DH go with the "my body, our baby" approach. So anything that just affects me, he has to suck it up. Anything that affects the baby we decide together. It works with sharing info too. DH is a bit of an oversharer generally so we have a rule that he can tell his family stuff about the baby, size, gender any abnormalities found at scans etc. But my wee test results and the state of my cervix are off limits.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 10/12/2015 19:52

A man cannot express a POV about the birth of his child without being called names and being told the OP should leave him?!

What about ..oh I dunno...considering the possibility that he doesnt really understand the technicals of birth, the trauma that the OP may suffer due her past experiences, that a CS may happen anyway.... and trying to talk to him?

No, lets call him a bellend and tell the OP to stop TTC, cos that'll change his opinion wont it?

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 19:52

I think when I sit him down and explain the sexual abuse link to a VB (I'm terrified of tearing) he will be OK with it, it's more about me coming to terms with what he really thinks. I'm fully OK with doing what is best for me, just his attitude was appalling.

Apparently if its an EMCS then that's "different and fine" another thing that makes me think its ASD thinking.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 19:53

Gladys the birth is nothing to do with him.

Enjolrass · 10/12/2015 19:53

This is weird, he said that he would prefer you to give birth.

You followed it up with "I think rates of PND increase when people think they have not managed to have a 'proper' birth" (I have no idea if this is true, my bad).

A statement that supports a natural birth and expected him to say what?

It really sounds like you shouldn't be be trying ttc

RiverTam · 10/12/2015 19:56

So this is the first conversation the two of you have had about the birth of a baby that's not yet conceived? And people are saying red flags? FFS. He clearly hasn't a clue, but surely you carry on talking about it? Obviously if he doesn't listen then you have a problem but at this point? I'm not even sure why you posted, it's obvious the LTB lot would be out in force.

HTKB · 10/12/2015 19:56

I think the guy is being crucified a little. Of course it's not up to him. But you're still TTC.... This is just an idle discussion about things and if he's pictured a VB many times of course his instant reaction might be to express disappointment or discuss why he'd prefer a VB. The discussion doesn't have any consequences at the moment, it's just chatting.

If when you get pregnant and go through the process of getting an ELCS he's still very unsupportive, then is time for the serious chats.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 19:56

Of course it's not his choice. A child may belong to both of you but your body and labour are yours alone. Bollocks to him whinging about the birth experience. He doesn't get a birth experience. He's a man.

I would be wary of having a kid with a man who thinks he should dictate your birth choices to you.

BathtimeFunkster · 10/12/2015 19:57

So he would prefer you to have a more risky, more unpleasant operation with a longer recovery time just so he can have the "experience"'of seeing you in labour?

Hmm
GiraffesAndButterflies · 10/12/2015 19:57

People on MN frequently take the piss out of Nethuns with "your baby your choice, you do what's right 4u huns, xxxx😘Xx". Do you think they see threads like this and have developed a MN equivalent of "That's a total red flag, LTB"? Confused

OP- it sounds like he has a very very idealised and romanticised view of birth. Why not get him to do some reading around that? He can start with the frequency with which women poo while pushing, move on to decisions about episiotomy vs tearing, and go from there. Might help him to realise that the birth he envisages as your joint wondrous experience is in fact something which is going to have real physical and medical impact on your body, and therefore your wishes and decisions should be respected.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 19:57

Thanks Gladys!

I did ask him if he would like to shit out a melon and see how that felt, he said "but it's not a lemon" we can't do metaphors.

It really sounds like you shouldn't be be trying ttc

What? That's ridiculous. To me any birth is a proper birth. I just dislike being criticised for my choice.

OP posts:
Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 10/12/2015 19:57

Gladys the birth is nothing to do with him.

What?! Seriously?!

It is his child too and unless there are relationship issues then of course the birth has something to do with him, unless you are suggesting that the OP goes it entirely alone.

This place never ceases to amaze me, it really doesnt.

Presumably she will want his support? It sounds to me like he has a romanticised idea of birth (thank you Hollywood) and doesnt realise what its really like.

But talking to him and educating him about the reality of birth doesnt fit in AIBU does it? There is no room for name calling and attempting to break up a strangers marriage in that is there?

ArmchairTraveller · 10/12/2015 19:58

Yes, it does sound as if the ASD thinking is narrowing his perception of the situation.
Are you able to sit down and explain logically to him why he doesn't get to dictate what should happen in this instance? That it's not about being weak or selfish, it's about making an active choice.
If it helps, my OH is on the spectrum and has turned out to be a good father.
But logical. And little empathy. Does well with boundaries though...this is my body and I decide... would work with mine.

stairbears · 10/12/2015 19:58

You need to feel in control and respected. He needs to respect that it's your body and your choice. Yes it'd be his baby, but you're the one birthing him or her.

Most OBs will sign off on an elective c/s for insurmountable physical OR psychological reasons.

A c/s can be a totally amazing experience and he can google such, e.g the natural caesarean, playing own music, he can be in theatre, you can remove the drapes etc etc

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:00

HTKB and river, good points. If/when it does happen and he continues to be an arse then I have a real problem.

It's ok tho because I'll just LTB because of these red flags Confused

OP posts:
KittyCatKittyCat · 10/12/2015 20:00

As an adult survivor of sexual abuse, I would recommend ELCS. I tore during my first VB, and the involvement with all these people was fucking horrendous - they were all just doing their job, but god it really opened up a can of historic worms.
I requested an ELCS for DC2. Explained it all. Got a nearly entirely female team, no one near my fanjo (except for the catheter and they cleared the room of extra staff for it), and it was hard physically to recover from but not nearly as mentally traumatising.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:01

Gladys, the birth is indeed nothing to do with him except in terms of how he will be supportive to his partner. It's his kid but not his uterus, vagina, risk of tearing, shitting on the delivery table...not his procedure. If it were any other procedure nobody would whine about having their spectatorial rights removed. He has no right to be there just because he wants to see her in labour (prick) and he certainly has no right to try to guilt trip her into anything she doesn't want to do with her own body.

Casmama · 10/12/2015 20:02

I am honestly open-mouthed about this thread.
This poor guy is having possibly the first conversation about childbirth he has ever had and expresses his opinion without probably ever having thought about it greatly and you all want to tear him a new one? I he birth is nothing to do with him?
Don't be ridiculous.
OP - every final decision on the birth needs to be yours and yours alone but you do your relationship a serious disservice if you don't allow any discussion about it! You will probably find that if you have an actual conversation about it your dh will be absolutely in favour of whatever mKes you happy but for Gods sake give him a chance and take the red flag brigade with a pinch of salt

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:03

Yeah more good points, thanks people, little bit more education and thought on his side will hopefully go a long way. You guys are good problem solvers, well, some of you.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 10/12/2015 20:03

What? That's ridiculous. To me any birth is a proper birth. I just dislike being criticised for my choice.

Where did I say that?

I said that he gave his opinion and you immediately followed his opinion up with a statement that backed his opinion. You then kicked off because he used that to back his opinion up.

And you don't even know if what you said was true.

I don't think you should be ttc because it sounds like a lot of game playing.

Why give him a fake fact that supports his opinion?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/12/2015 20:03

To be fair, OP, you played here when you've had half a conversation with him. So don't be surprised people are advising you not to TTC with him.

Get him to read a book about birth then talk again. If he's still adamant that it will all be sunshine and rainbows, I'd personally tell him to do one.