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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to plan on walking out of work at 1.30 on Friday?

500 replies

PennyHasNoSurname · 09/12/2015 06:25

Its my daughters Nativity, her first one.

This week sees the implementation of a project at work that I am massively involved in. All.of my week is spent on training and development and we "go live" Friday.

As soon as I found out the Nativity date I spoke with my line manager about getting away at 1.30 on Friday, for it, and offered to return after it til whenever I was needed. Our industry is 365 days a year, 24 hrs a day. I am rostered to work til 3.30pm.

It was not well received, and I have been told "this really isnt the best week for this" and my direct line manager has cancelled a lunch date with her own friends on that day.

AIBU or WIBU to remain insistant that I need to leave at 1.30, and to feel that my reason is more important than a lunch date with a friend?

WWYD? Would you leave?

Fwiw I would not be leaving the place understaffed, I am surplus this week as dedicated solely to the new project. We also have tech support in all week and they are there Fri purely for troubleshooting after going live.

OP posts:

Whaleshark · 09/12/2015 08:52

YANBU, as long as you have permission to go, however grudgingly it is given, I would go. Obviously if they say that you can't go there is nothing you can do. I wouldn't underestimate the importance of things like this for the DC though. It is a massively big deal.

AllChangeLife · 09/12/2015 08:52

But presumably she made a choice not to be in a role like police,bus driver, pilot, thereby hoping to get some flexibility?

SunnyDays1987 · 09/12/2015 08:54

Really difficult one, I wouldn't want to miss anything my children did because they are way more important to me than a job. BUT equally you can't lose your job over a nativity play. I would try and push the issue with your manager as much as possible and stress how quickly you'd be there and back and also how you could make up the hours. What about sitting at the back of the room with your phone in your hand so you could go out and take an emergency call if needed?

RakeMeHomeCountryToads · 09/12/2015 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidertracker · 09/12/2015 09:01

You make your choices. Working means having money, whether for essentials or the extra few luxuries, but missing out on some childhood moments.
Staying at home is the only way to guarantee you don't miss out, if that is not an option for you for whatever reason then you have to suck it up.
PS. I work and miss everything as I work in a school.

Sallycinnamum · 09/12/2015 09:17

I dread this time of year. My DC school organise no end of bloody activities parenrs are expected to attend with no thought as to how working parents take the time off.

When I was at school you had one nativity and that was it, now its bloody fairs, discos, meet Santa. The list goes on and I on.

I'm always glad when term ends and I don't feel the need to scrutinise the calendar every morning to see what Xmas related activitythere is that day!

Dancergirl · 09/12/2015 09:17

Nobody is dispensable

But you are indispensable to your child

OnlyLovers · 09/12/2015 09:18

Generally speaking, if a manager makes clear that an employee really ought to be there for something, I think you ought to. And personally I wouldn't skip out early on a highly important day.

But only you know exactly how important this is and exactly how badly it will go down at your own workplace. Up to you, really.

YABU, definitely, to 'feel that my reason is more important than a lunch date with a friend'. Why do you think you get to decide that?

Dancergirl · 09/12/2015 09:20

Imagine if bus drivers stopped the bus to go to a Nativity play.
Imagine if teachers walked out of class to go see a nativity play
Imagine if doctors left a long operation to go to a nativity play
or police officers
or air traffic controllers

All these imaginary scenarios are completely irrelevant. The OP doesn't do any of these jobs, she has already said she wouldn't be leaving work understaffed.

momb · 09/12/2015 09:21

How about going live on Friday and seeing how well it goes?
If by 1.30 it is running fine then put your coat on and say you'll be back by three, otherwise stay and do the professional thing.

Could you send another family member to nativity so even if you don't make it your DD will have someone to wave at?

Original poster

PennyHasNoSurname · 09/12/2015 09:28

Thank you for responses. Food for thought and I will definetly go back to my boss and appeal to her better nature.

I specifically didnt persue certain careers as I want to be able to be flexible for my family. Similarly I also dropped to a four day week coming back from dc2 as this would facilitate being able to attend certain things. DH is a TA so unable to leave his school for the afternoon.

I was given two weeks notice of the date, by which time the project implementation was set.

My daughter absoloutley will remember whether I was there or not (her memory is amazing!), but she may or may not be bothered. I will though.

OP posts:

Sallycinnamum · 09/12/2015 09:37

Fgs op don't put your job at risk because having been made redundant recently and having had a huge challenge negotiating flexible hours with my new employer, it is so hard in the current climate.

NoSquirrels · 09/12/2015 09:45

Very awkward - sometimes as a working parent there is just no way to get to stuff, and the DC understand and accept it. Sometimes there IS a way, but it could be inconvenient (asking for time out of the office/day off when you know it isn't the best time) and then you have to weigh up the pros and cons carefully. You're in the latter situation, obviously.

Much depends on how long you would be absent from the office. If it's 1-3pm, say, then that's a long lunch break and you can offer to be in early and stay late, and answer emails/return a phone call or two where possible whilst you are out. If, with travelling time, you would be out of the office much longer than that, then I wouldn't.

I would speak again with my manager, and offer to stay if things are really going badly by 1pm, but otherwise how very much you would appreciate it because DD's dad is a TA and really won't be able to be there etc. I don't agree it's the same as her cancelled lunch date, unless that lunch date involved a big significant celebration or something. Five year olds don't have the same understanding of the importance of work projects as adults in the cancellation stakes!

Italiangreyhound · 09/12/2015 09:52

I'd ask your boss again and see if you can do anything as a favour in return for your boss giving you this favour of going out for an hour or two - e.g. extra work from home the night before or go in or stay for an extra hour or two before Friday or afterwards. If you make the offer good enough your boss may say yes. If it is so close to lunchtime can you not request it as an extended lunch time and go in early or stay late that day to make up the time? Being there an extra couple of hours on the day you 'go live' could be beneficial for your boss.

Can you send a relative with a video recorder? Is that allowed? Do the school film the nativity? If not, can you ask them to do an official version that some schools do which could be watched by you at another time or could be sold to parents to raise school funds (some schools do this).

You could walk out for two hours but you may jeopardise your job, if you think it is worth that, then of course you should. But I do agree with Sallycinnamum, good jobs can be hard to find.

Also I would say if you have been very important and integral to the project, and perhaps have gone over and above the line of 'duty', then you might be justified in reminding your boss of this.

Certainly a child's first nativity play out rank's a lunch with a friend and if your boss uses this example it would be good to explain how much this means to you and how this cannot be altered by you (where as a lunch date can be altered at any almost any time).

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 09/12/2015 09:59

I'm a shit worker it seems, as I would and did prioritize children's activities and shows over career. Now my child is 16 and I don't have a fab career, so I think you make the choice you will be comfortable with long term.

Shutthatdoor · 09/12/2015 10:03

Someone else's mum just doesnt cut it, talk to your boss again OP.

Sometimes whether you like it t or not it has to 'cut it'.

As teachers my parents didn't see mine or siblings plays. My DSis is in the same situation now.

Sorry OP YABU.

mellicauli · 09/12/2015 10:11

It's not important that you go because you want to go. It is important that someone is there for your daughter.

If you have a husband/partner, they should go. (They can record it on their phone for you)

If you are on your own and there's no grandparent who is available, I would go back and talk to the boss again.

BumgrapesofWrath · 09/12/2015 10:16

I'm quite surprised by all the people saying it doesn't matter if you attend a child's nativity or not. Do you have short memories? I remember how important it was to me as a child, and if my parents did miss something I was quite upset (and I can still remember it now!)

If you choose to prioritise work over children fine, but don't make out like the children aren't bothered by it.

BumgrapesofWrath · 09/12/2015 10:17

So YANBU OP. If you're not the PM they should be able to let you go for a couple of hours.

Shutthatdoor · 09/12/2015 10:22

No I don't have a short memory.

It was explained to us why mummy and daddy couldn't go.

Yes it may not be 'fair' but that is the way it was and still is.

NoSquirrels · 09/12/2015 10:23

I'm not sure I do remember who was at my nativity when I was 5.

My DPs were both teachers. It's possible my mum was there (but equally possible she was not), almost certainly my dad wasn't there (but I do remember the AWESOME angel wings he made me for it vividly), it's very likely indeed that all or most of my GPs were there. I really don't remember, but I know I was loved and looked out for. If I couldn't be there, I would be OK with missing it if someone else my DC love and matter to was there to watch instead. I'd be sad for me missing it, but my DC would understand and not mind (I know from experience!) I think that's the problem the OP has in this scenario, because her DP can't make it either then she feels she needs to be there.

jelliebelly · 09/12/2015 10:27

You cannot just up and go without permission. You might need to wait until the actual day and see if you really are needed. Unfortunately as a working parent you have to accept that you can't always attend every school event.

TheOddity · 09/12/2015 10:34

I have two parents as teachers and clearly remember having no one there to put my angel wings on age four and all the other mummies sorting out their own DC. I got in a panic and was worried I wouldn't be ready for the nativity and I missed my mum very much at that moment. It is one of the few moments I remember from being four sadly. Generally her working full time didn't bother me too much.

Not telling you this to say you have to go, I just agree it is important SOMEONE is there for your daughter that isn't just someone else's mum. A grandparent would be ideal, but even a close friend of the family, auntie, anyone would do who has specifically come to see her. I know you really want to go but it's not worth losing your job over. I would definitely appeal to your boss again and ask for a couple of hours out the office on the strict understanding you would be back later in the day though. No way should you try and argue for an early home time though, you do really need to go back in afterwards to show willing on such an important day. Can you arrange childcare for afterwards? Guessing your husband will be home by then?

fastdaytears · 09/12/2015 10:35

I don't remember being upset not to have a parent at my shows. I did know in advance though that it wasn't possible and why. I guess I might have been sad if I wasn't sure if they'd be there and then was disappointed. But I was a yes or no kid, grey areas stressed me out!

00100001 · 09/12/2015 10:36

[cough]....[cough].... are you starting to feel poorly OP???

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